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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lack of respect from DD and partner?

102 replies

Grumpynan · 27/02/2024 03:51

I’ve been mulling this over since Saturday, and have decided to ask other mums their opinion, am I being over sensitive/a prude?

so I live at the moment with just my young adult DD and DH. DH away for a few days so just the 2 of us. Saturday she asks if I mind her partner staying over, they are planning to go out for dinner then on to the local wine bar and don’t want him driving after. I’m happy with this, they’ve been together a while and he has stayed over quite a few times.

fast forward 10.30 pm. I’m in bed reading, they come home, nice meal but wine bar packed decided film and hot chocolate instead is that ok. Of course, I tell my DD there’s a bottle of white wine in the fridge and a box of chocolate left from Christmas.

few hours later I must have dozed off, but I’m woken up by a noise. It’s soon very clear they are having very load, very long sex. Now I know they are adults I know they have a healthy sex life, but ! I’m sure my sons had sex at home before they moved out, I’m sure DD has had sex in her room before. I know I did when I lived with my parents. But I have never had it confirmed before ! I just assumed as healthy adults it happens. But this was loud.

eventually it stops I go to sleep. In the morning I go in the kitchen and find not only had they drunk the white wine (fine) but also a very very nice bottle of red which my DB had given me to drink on my birthday ( another story o won’t bore you with ) my DD knows this wine is special, and knows I’m saving it for my birthday. They had also emptied a bottle of DH best brandy, if here he would probably have said they could have a nip, but they had finished it.

I went to take the dog for a walk, got home to a note, they had gone out for the day DD would be back late that night. Again fine

but when she came home late Sunday we discussed the weekend and she said she had a good time. I asked about the wine, ignored the sex 🥹, she said they were having a good time and she would buy another, very dismissive, I said it was very expensive and special gift, apparently I was overreacting.

last night she made a point of saying she had replaced my precious wine, yes red, but no where near what my DB had given me

she’s not normally like this, she’s normally a lovely person.

so am I being over sensitive and a prude

or is she being inconsiderate

OP posts:
Yolo12345 · 27/02/2024 08:56

Honestly, I'd let it go. She is young, there's more important issues in life. I would be encouraging her and her boyfriend to move out tho...

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2024 09:01

Completely disrespectful and I agree with PP who said they just didn't care about the sex - of course they knew, you don't have long, loud sex without knowing, it's completely different to some inadvertent noise / movement.

I think you need to have a calm conversation about boundaries and respect, explain that the wine needs to be replaced exactly (same brand, cost, not just a similar one), and that while he is welcome, it's your home and whatever they decide to do shouldn't wake you up.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/02/2024 09:03

Yolo12345 · 27/02/2024 08:56

Honestly, I'd let it go. She is young, there's more important issues in life. I would be encouraging her and her boyfriend to move out tho...

But this is fairly important, surely? Her DD drank a special bottle of wine, after being allowed to drink another bottle, and eat chocolates that were there; she then was completely disrespectful in the way she had sex.

It doesn't need to be embarrassing or protracted, but a clear reminder about behaving respectfully and fairly is important, IMO.

Yolo12345 · 27/02/2024 09:25

@EarringsandLipstick well it's a pity about the nice bottle of wine but nobody has died, you have a home, your health, a job, your daughter has a partner, she's out enjoying her life. I honestly don't think it's worth making a big deal of, we all make stupid mistakes when we are young. But of course it depends on your priorities.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 27/02/2024 10:37

Sex is sex, couldn’t get worked up about it. But I’d make it clear she has to replace the wine and brandy with like for like.

Original poster
Grumpynan · 27/02/2024 10:38

Thanks for all your replies, it’s nice to know I’m not a prude 😉

DH has said the brandy he can live with, it’s his birthday soon (very subtle hint 🙄)

shes 25 moved out for 2 years to study then moved back last year when she got a job locally whilst she saves to get her own place. It’s working well, she pays a small rent (which I’m saving for her though she doesn’t know this ). We can afford to have her here and the 3 off us rub along nicely. Things like the wine are bought with the shopping and we share a bottle a couple of times a week any more than that she buys herself, not that she does often. So she wouldn’t just take the bottle in the fridge without checking first and I was just saying have it if they like, the chocolate was left from Christmas but again she wouldn’t have without asking as these would normally be when we watch a film together or something.

the red wine was special, it’s my 60th this year and my DB can’t be with me so has left my present with DH, he always buys me a special bottle of wine, it’s something we use to enjoy over the years, he would spend ages choosing the right bottle and would go to silly lengths to get the right vintage etc. I’ve had strict instructions how to serve this one and what with 😂. It will have cost him a pretty penny and he will have gone to great lengths to get it, not dip to Tesco !. TBH if she could get the same one it’s spoiled now.

i’ll let the matter drop with her now and assume she got carried away with the occasion and wasn’t thinking, I’m just upset and feel it wouldn’t hurt to have that acknowledged

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 27/02/2024 10:39

Is she being inconsiderate or her BF I wonder.I think they both had very bad form TBH.I would be cross about it .If the wine was special I would tell her the price and at least have something towards a new bottle .This is poor behaviour on their part

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 10:54

She probably didn’t realise on the wine but you should make sure she knows just to make sure she is more careful in the future as I doubt she got the enjoyment out of it that it deserved.
presumably your brother will ask how it was which will be awkward.

Original poster
Grumpynan · 27/02/2024 10:58

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 10:54

She probably didn’t realise on the wine but you should make sure she knows just to make sure she is more careful in the future as I doubt she got the enjoyment out of it that it deserved.
presumably your brother will ask how it was which will be awkward.

She knows, it’s something we do ever year and was there when he gave it to me her boyfriend was there too, so unless they were both to drunk to remember either way they didn’t care

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 27/02/2024 11:17

I think all of it is annoying but ok as a one of had they been apologetic the next day. It is the attitude afterwards that would bother me. I probably would make her buy the correct bottle of wine as replacement becase she was cheeky when replacing "precious wine"

FranticHare · 27/02/2024 11:23

I wouldn't drop the wine issue.

Assuming you still have the (empty) bottle, find the price online and send her the link - asking if she would like to buy the replacement herself or if she wants to give you the money.

I can understand (just about) her being drunk and opening the bottle in error, but to not show any remorse after the event or to try and properly replace the bottle is not on. She is quite old enough to know better!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/02/2024 11:26

Surely she needs to buy the same bottle your DH gave you to replace it?

Herdinggoats · 27/02/2024 11:36

To be fair I have no idea how much wine costs. I might be aware that a bottle is special because of the sentimentality of the occasion that it was given on, but if you wanted me to know what it was worth you’d have to tell me.

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2024 11:40

Ohhbaby · 27/02/2024 06:13

Uhmm I'm not so sure about people saying she won't know how loud she's been. My dh and I (still young, in our early 20s) regularly stay over at our parents or inlaws. We live far so generally stay over when we visit. But we are always conscious of not bothering others when having sex. Surely you know sex can be loud and you shut up accordingly if you're not in your own home?
We've had multiple family holidays or Christmases or new years where everyone drinks and never once have anyone heard other couples have sex. It's inconsiderate.

Totally agree. Bollocks did she not realise how loud she was being in her DM’s house. She just didn’t care.

toomuchfaff · 27/02/2024 11:42

Simply tell her that you expect "like for like" replacement; what she has provided is not like for like so she can have it back and you want the replacement by weekend. And you mean the expensive wine and the brandy. If necessary - provide her with links for both so she knows what to get.

Caiti19 · 27/02/2024 11:48

It's disrespectful and selfish. I'd have her replace like with like. If she's adult as in 18, I'd be sitting her down for a talk about respect. If she's adult as in 26, I'd be locking away the booze going forward.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2024 11:50

It sounds like she was being insensitive about the wine, like for like, and hide it next time. As for the sex, she won't know it woke you unless you say something. Just say, I heard you two last night in the bedroom, in fact it woke me up! It will make her blush no doubt, and I'm sure they will keep it down next time. This does happen, it happened to me once when my Mum had to tell me she heard everything! They certainly were not doing it on purpose to annoy you!

pastypirate · 27/02/2024 11:57

How inconsiderate for an adult. She's being well cared for by her parents she needs to treat you both with more respect.

I would spell it out to her the nouse and the wine. It will be awkward but imo better for your relationship and living situation in the long term.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/02/2024 12:01

Grumpynan · 27/02/2024 10:58

She knows, it’s something we do ever year and was there when he gave it to me her boyfriend was there too, so unless they were both to drunk to remember either way they didn’t care

Show quote history

Oh in that case it is very disrespectful.

Hotgirlwinter · 27/02/2024 12:19

I absolutely would not be “dropping”’it - she took something which was yours, without permission and has been rude and dismissive about replacing it.

Id be fuming and I’d expect her to replace it like for like.

You sound like a lovely mum and a reasonable person. She’s behaved very poorly over this - I wonder if she’d be the same to her partners mum (I very much doubt it)

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 12:47

Yolo12345 · 27/02/2024 09:25

@EarringsandLipstick well it's a pity about the nice bottle of wine but nobody has died, you have a home, your health, a job, your daughter has a partner, she's out enjoying her life. I honestly don't think it's worth making a big deal of, we all make stupid mistakes when we are young. But of course it depends on your priorities.

@Yolo12345

one of my priorities in life is nice booze so for sure I’d be making her replace it like for like.
does that make me a bad mother with my priorities all wrong in your book then?

SausageAndEggSandwich · 27/02/2024 12:55

I wouldn't be dropping the issue regarding the wine. Drinking it is bad enough when a) it was a present, which she knew b) it was a special bottle and not cheap c) trying to fob you off with any old replacement

No - like for like or cash equivalent please. She was really thoughtless and selfish and needs to deal with the consequences.

Queenconsult · 27/02/2024 13:14

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/02/2024 12:47

@Yolo12345

one of my priorities in life is nice booze so for sure I’d be making her replace it like for like.
does that make me a bad mother with my priorities all wrong in your book then?

Show quote history

But you don’t have children…🙈

KimberleyClark · 27/02/2024 13:20

Yolo12345 · 27/02/2024 09:25

@EarringsandLipstick well it's a pity about the nice bottle of wine but nobody has died, you have a home, your health, a job, your daughter has a partner, she's out enjoying her life. I honestly don't think it's worth making a big deal of, we all make stupid mistakes when we are young. But of course it depends on your priorities.

Yes we do all make stupid mistakes when we are young, doesn’t we shouldn’t be expected to make amends, especially if the “mistake” means someone else has been deprived of something that was theirs and special to them.

FirstTimeMum897 · 27/02/2024 13:24

I wouldn't drop the wine issue. She needs to go and buy the exact same bottle. She needs to understand how expensive it was and she can't just take what she wants.

If she had been apologetic and said they got carried away, fine, I would have dropped it then too. But her attitude stinks.

I'd also ban the boyfriend. No way should anyone have to sit in the house listening to 2 people who don't have the right to live there having sex. That was so disrespectful to you.