Child free event - assume or specify?

[PickledWotsit]

If you were throwing a daytime party (birthday, baby shower, bbq on a summers day or whatever - that sort of thing) do you think you need to explicitly say that it's child free or should people assume it is unless they have received an explicit invitation for their children?

Random vote:

YABU - it's up to the party planner to specify its child free otherwise you should expect children to come with parents

YANBU - Guests should assume child free unless they are told otherwise.

They sound rude. You did nothing wrong. Hosts should specify whether it was family friendly or adult only.

Young primary and no they weren't. Because it was child free but I hadn't been told that.

I was hosting I'd confirm when inviting people, if I was a guest I'd check if not confirmed.

I think it depends on the event, age of children, relationship, whether the hosts have children etc as to whether it's reasonable for someone to assume children are invited.

I accept I probably should have checked too. I do think the reaction was unpleasant still though even if I did wrongly assume.

So host had made arrangements for her own DCs not to be there, but hadn't at any point warned you that it was a child-free occasion? That's pretty stupid of her, I would say. Had the other person with young DCs been told not to bring hers?

I don't know I didn't ask. I don't really know her that well and felt very awkward by that point.

. I don't really know her that well

you said you were “quite close” 😐

how many people roughly attended?

leaving likely would have been the “people pleaser” thing to do!

The other person who had children!

was it a big event? lots of people?

There were about 10-15 people. As I say I didn't really know anyone except the host well so I had no idea who'd been invited or who did and didn't have DC before going.

we’re others welcoming to your toddler? how long did you stay for?

If I were the host, I'd have put "Would you and 'Simon' like to come for lunch" and that should be enough to know it didn't include your dc

If it were a mass message going to several people, I'd have mentioned it were child free

but

If I receive an invitation I would assume it was only for whoever it was sent to unless is said "Would you and the kids like to come over"

If there were any ambiguity then I would message back "Just wanted to check, if this child free or for all / both of us".

So yes, YWBU to assume, but it seems the host could have been clearer. Although, that said, it does depend on how you know the other person..... mate you've met through the dc is more likely to include the dc, than a colleague or someone you know through a hobby you do without dc.

I wouldn't invite someone to a day BBQ and not invite the kids - weird! Fur a baby shower - isn't it traditionally all female do the invite would just go to the woman and they wouldn't bring kids I guess.
But you must ABSOLUTELY specify if no kids are included to avoid any doubt.

I definitely don’t think you were in the wrong to assume children were invited! We have 3 small kids and no family who would be willing / able to look after them in the daytime. If our friends wanted me and DH to come to something I would expect them to say something like “It would be lovely to see both Monkey and MonkeyDH but realise it might be a bit tricky getting childcare for MiniMonkeys 1, 2 and 3.”

If I got an invite to a baby shower (just me), I’d assume I couldn’t bring my kids. If a daytime bbq or party, I’d assume I could

I'd always assume a daytime thing was child friendly because most of the people I see frequently have children.

For me it would depend on the event and wording.. If it was “having people round for a BBQ if you and DH are free” I would assume I can bring the family. . If one of my friends invited me for an example to a birthday lunch or baby shower at her house with some other friends I might check in advance about children. However considering you are a single parent she should have absolutely made it clear.

Daytime event, best to specify. I probably wouldn’t even think to check for a daytime event tbh.

If they knew I had a toddler I would assume my child was welcome too.

If they wanted adults only, they should have specified.

They should have specified but I also would've double checked myself too.

I had an unexpected child turn up at my wedding - I don't have children and it simply never occurred to me to specify do or don't bring children. Fortunately the child was still at the baby food eating stage so there weren't really any issues.

If I received a formal written invitation with individual names and the children weren't included, I would at least check with the host before turning up with them.

If I just received an email/SMS/WhatsApp message/DM/whatever that said "do you want to come round for a BBQ" then my assumptions would depend on who the message was from. If the host was a family member or friend with children, I'd assume the children were invited unless they made it clear this was a grown-ups only event. If the invitation came from an acquaintance or a work colleague or something then for a daytime event I'd probably check what they had in mind. For evening events I'd be more likely to assume they would be child-free.

You need to be very specific, and expect people not to come, it's pretty unusual not to include children at daytime events

I think both parties are responsible. If everyone followed simple etiquette it’d be easy. That is if you are the host to put only the names of those who are invited and if you want their children present then put their names on the invitation. And if you receive an invitation then only those whose names are listed on there should attend. But unfortunately there’s always someone throwing a spanner in the works at either end. Taking their kids when they haven’t been listed on the invitation or inviting kids but not adding them to the invitation. So it probably is best to specify though it really shouldn’t be necessary.