Child free event - assume or specify?

[PickledWotsit]

If you were throwing a daytime party (birthday, baby shower, bbq on a summers day or whatever - that sort of thing) do you think you need to explicitly say that it's child free or should people assume it is unless they have received an explicit invitation for their children?

Random vote:

YABU - it's up to the party planner to specify its child free otherwise you should expect children to come with parents

YANBU - Guests should assume child free unless they are told otherwise.

the devil is ib the detail op

what was the event?

without knowing the event who knows if you were unreasonable or now. Just knowing it was daytime means squat all

They should have specified but since they didn't, I would never just presume I could bring anyone with me - child or adult.

If it's not stated then I'd always ask. I always like people to know if I am turning up "mob handed" (I have 3 DC) 😅

Baby shower I'd presume it was just me (unless dh and kids were named).

BBQ and birthdays it would depend on whose it was. One of dh's colleagues (childfree) has BBQ parties and despite them starting in the afternoon, it's very much a grown up affair. I suspect I'd always double check.

It was a day time birthday gathering (no drinking, just a gathering at a house with some picky food put out).

DC is a toddler and I have very little childcare options at the time said gathering took place which this person knows so I assumed that if they hadn't said otherwise, it would be fine.

It was more the way I was made to feel about it that upset me. The very first thing that was said to me was "oh... its no kids" with a funny look before I'd even got through the door proceeding with being asked if there was anyone who could take my child for a few hours then hearing whispers of "she's brought x (DCs name) to other guests.

I would assume that kids were invited to a daytime gathering if I just received a text inviting me to meet up - more so if the invite came from people with kids.

We're you made to feel shit about it at the time or after the event? It's a shame you allowed someone to make you feel that way. I think someone who makes you feel that way for a simple misunderstanding is not a good friend (or a kind family member).

Their behaviour (making you feel shit over a misunderstanding) would make me not want to bother with them I think. I think they owe you an apology at least.

Reading you update that doesn't sound nice. Did you not feel it appropriate to leave?

DH said I should have. I'm a bit of a people pleaser though so often question myself.

Newsflash: it's currently summer in some parts of the world.

That was incredibly rude of them. I'd not bother with these people again after that. How dare they make you feel like shit when they never mentioned it was "child free".

how close are you to the person in question?

were you the only one who turned up with a child?

Quite close and yes I was however I was only one of 3 people (inc the host) who have DC.

the person hosting… do they have young children?

Yes

ah that puts a different view on it!!

no way would i presume a child then

I don't have a problem at all with people hosting child free things. I just, maybe wrongly, assumed you'd be told if that were the case

I wouldn't bring my dc unless I'd checked it was ok regardless of the event.

Never assume OP.

Just to add I didn't know many of the attendees so had no way of knowing the majority didn't have DC (or had DC who were adults at least). I only really know the host, who does have DC, and a couple of other people in passing but not really more than acquaintances.

i thought you said only 3 people including you invited?

I think it totally depends how people are invited. Formal written invitation, I would assume that whoever has their names written on the invitation are invited, but if it was, say, a birthday BBQ and my dc's names weren't included, I would probably still check because I'd think it was odd. A message on a group WhatsApp inviting everyone around for a birthday BBQ, I would assume it was a family event and we wouldn't feel the need to clarify.

That said, I don't think I've ever not had children invited to anything that wasn't a wedding that explicitly stated on the formal invitation, if it was a daytime sort of thing, and not say a hen do with male strippers starting at 10pm.

or only you and two others have children?

sorry confused!

so the host has children. How old? were they present?

No, I said I was only one of 3 people that have DC (or young enough DC to live at home anyway). The others there either didn't have DC or their children were adults/ very older teens 18+