AIBU to think this isn’t a necessary comment to make about how your friend looks?

[Ohhhhh]

I met up with my friend over the weekend and she said something that really upset me. We are both in our 20s and I thought we were good friends, we’ve both been there for each other through hard times.

I am currently dating a really nice man, after a string of not so good relationships. I think I’ve had an average number of relationships, and have enjoyed dating in my early 20s. She is different to me, which is fine, and hasn’t dated as much and wouldn’t like to have causal things like I do - which is her choice. She says she wouldn’t sleep with someone before 4 dates and said I might be setting myself up to fail because I do. Anyway.

She said to me, unprovoked “how do you get all these me ? You’re not pretty but you are attractive” I asked what she meant and she said “well I’m pretty, I wouldn’t say you are, you’re attractive”

I am so upset. I have really low self esteem and have had previous relationships where my looks have been under constant criticism. I also have history of an eating disorder so I guess I am very conscious about how I look.

AIBU to be hurt? I think I am overreacting but I can’t stop thinking about the comment and thinking that everyone thinks I am this bizarre looking creature and I’m her ugly side kick?

She's clearly not saying you're ugly, as she says you're attractive. I don't think anyone else thinks you're ugly either.

But really I wouldn't care what someone as shallow and rude thinks of me! She's not your friend OP.

I think she is implying I am not the best looking as she preempted with “how do you get all these men?”

not that it’s a lot at all but still

I think I'd rather be attractive than pretty, it seems more of an all-round package. It's a shitty thing to say though, paired with 'how do you get all these men'. I'd be rethinking my friendship with her tbh.

I had a friend at a similar age say to me 'we are both plain without make-up'. Well, thanks. Speak for yourself. It was part of a wider pattern of her putting me down.

It was an unnecessary and nasty comment.

I do agree that often women especially are either pretty or attractive, but her comment asking how you get all these men is just nasty.

and then her explanation makes no sense either, if she can see you’re attractive then why ask how you attract men

She thinks she is better looking than you, and she is wondering why men prefer you to her. She should wonder this in her own head to avoid upsetting you by revealing that (rightly or wrongly) she thinks she is better looking. But she either lacks the social skills to filter her thoughts, or she wanted to take you down a peg by choosing to say it out loud.

Wow. I can’t believe a “friend” would say that.

She might be pretty, but she's also a bitch.

Ignore her bitchy comments. If she can't get a bloke it is probably down to her unpleasant personality.

That was a horrible comment, OP. She’s not your friend and/or she has serious insecurity/jealousy issues.

You aren’t unreasonable to be hurt, but don’t allow what she said to define how you perceive yourself. Everyone has their own ideas on what constitutes pretty or attractive, but in any case, it sounds like meanness or issues is causing her response, rather than your appearance.

I think people can be attractive and not pretty, she is clumsily saying this about you.

How Vile, she's not a friend at all. Seriously rethink the time you spend with this person!

That was a mean backhanded comment. Had you both had any alcohol? Sounds like she let her inside thoughts come out. I would be upset as well op. But we all know that it's not all about looks.

No we hadn’t been drinking, she was asking about the guy I am currently dating and abruptly came out with this.

I would never say anything remotely like this to anyone. Of course, prettiness is subjective and I don’t think I would class her as my idea of pretty but I would NEVER say this.

I just feel insecure because I am newly dating someone and basically being told it’s odd that men would want to date me at all

Yep get the impression that she thinks she is the pretty one and confused as to why she’s not had successful dating experiences I think. Might be true that she is prettier but an odd thing to say I think

But you don’t SAY it to a friend.

It’s jealousy, obviously. She’s miffed and knocking you down a peg to make herself feel better.

I suspect this comment is born out of jealousy tbh. She might not be like you in the sense she doesn't date as much etc but perhaps it's down to lack of confidence, poor self esteem or whatever, rather than a preference. I can't see what anyone else would say that. She's making a comparison between you and her, yet apparently doesn't want to be dating like that, so why the comparison? She's jealous you are attractive.

As others have said, it was an unnecessary and inept comment, and to be honest her comment about “setting yourself up to fail” by sleeping with men after less than four dates (like four is the magic number ffs) is also unnecessary and quite judgemental.
can I ask if you responded to her comment beyond asking what she meant or were you just stunned? Might be good to put her back in her box at some stage

Please don’t let a careless, hostile, remark from this absolute bitch make you feel bad about yourself.

I really struggled to see myself as desirable and attractive—I for sure never thought of myself as pretty. Now in my sixties I have had two great men who adored me and were absolutely smitten by me.

My brother gave me a clue when he told me thst in his opinion men were physically attracted to one or two features of female anatomy and were extremely uncritical of those they didn’t care about. All the things women are taught to obsess about were not relevant. If a man falls for you he basically sees the things he is attracted to and nothing else.

She shouldn't have said it because it's rude and unnecessary.

But her comments don't change how you look and how you've always looked, so there's no point in dwelling on it.

And I'm not sure how you've got 'bizarre looking creature' from 'not pretty'?

I'd have said, "I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

But it's definitely not a kind thing to say to anyone, especially not a good friend. If she's pretty, perhaps others see it as merely superficial and you give out better vibes.

Her comment isn't even implied jealousy, it's explicit.

You know you have a different opinion from her about many things. This can be one of them.

If you are happy and didn’t feel the need to seek out the validation of this 'friend' then why take it to heart when she offered her (clearly bitter) judgment unprompted?

It's a horrible comment and it comes from jealousy.

Sone people are just more friendly,more approachable and have a relaxed attitude towards men & don't put them up on some sort of pedestal.

We had the same sort of thing with a former friend in college who convinced herself everyone else must have looser morales as we got more attention.

We didn't, we just were more relaxed around men, enjoyed a bit of banter and flirting and didn't care about the outcome.

She over analysed everything and took it all very seriously and people found it off-putting. It was very intense.

We just wanted to date and see what happened. She was husband hunting from the off.

You are not responsible for her jealousy.

How damn rude. None of my friends would say that as they're not rude. Ditch her and concentrate on your normal friends

Is is possible she was being self depreciating? Attractive is a much better thing to be than pretty. It sounds like all shebhas is looks, whereas you're attractive all round.

Assuming she is correct to appraise herself as pretty, she's basically answered her own question by coming out with such an unattractive attitude.

Besides, scowling catwalk models are "pretty". Give me attractive any day of the week.