AIBU to think this isn’t a necessary comment to make about how your friend looks?

[Ohhhhh]

I met up with my friend over the weekend and she said something that really upset me. We are both in our 20s and I thought we were good friends, we’ve both been there for each other through hard times.

I am currently dating a really nice man, after a string of not so good relationships. I think I’ve had an average number of relationships, and have enjoyed dating in my early 20s. She is different to me, which is fine, and hasn’t dated as much and wouldn’t like to have causal things like I do - which is her choice. She says she wouldn’t sleep with someone before 4 dates and said I might be setting myself up to fail because I do. Anyway.

She said to me, unprovoked “how do you get all these me ? You’re not pretty but you are attractive” I asked what she meant and she said “well I’m pretty, I wouldn’t say you are, you’re attractive”

I am so upset. I have really low self esteem and have had previous relationships where my looks have been under constant criticism. I also have history of an eating disorder so I guess I am very conscious about how I look.

AIBU to be hurt? I think I am overreacting but I can’t stop thinking about the comment and thinking that everyone thinks I am this bizarre looking creature and I’m her ugly side kick?

Pretty is pleasant looking
Attractive is charming and interesting

I personally find beauty (as in Angelina Jolie's beauty) quite unattractive weirdly. Same for men. I can see that a man like, say, Jacob Elordi, or young Brad Pitt is beautiful, but I find that kind of perfect beauty very boring.
it's beautiful the same way a well groomed horse is beautiful. Or a chateau. Or a mountain landscape. I can appreciate that it looks beautiful, but doesn't mean I'm attracted to it.

Anyway, OP - your friend is not a good friend. Not just because of the comment, but mostly because she's dismissing your feelings.
Let her be pretty and lonely and enjoy your new BF.

Because you’re nice to people and she’s not!

She sounds jealous and her comment was cruel and intended to put you down. She doesn't sound like much of a friend to be honest, I wouldn't want a friend like that. Beauty is very subjective anyway so what one person considers pretty or attractive will be different from the next person.

Completely off on a tangent but I don't think Reece Witherspoon is pretty at all. Massive chin. I would have said she was attractive over pretty. I think Angelina is pretty and attractive. Jennifer Anniston is attractive. Lily Collins is pretty.

Marilyn Monroe, Michelle Keegan, Cheryl Cole, Lily Collins, Nathalie Portman, Jessica Alba, Anne Hathaway are all pretty. Some are more appealing than others.
I think pretty generally demands symmetrical and balanced features that fit the generally accepted perfect ratio.
Attractive can be all over the place. Jennifer Anniston, SJP, Cate Blanchett, Blake Lively, Kiera knightly, Uma Thurman

Well she’s a bitch isn’t she.

Maybe she is “prettier” than you (whatever that means) but clearly you are a nicer person with more to offer and she’s a bitter little troll.

You might not be able to completely ditch her bc of your family connection but I’d absolutely be steering clear of her. If anyone asks just say “she is a negative influence and makes me feel bad about myself”

It doesn’t matter if she secretly thought you were the most repulsive looking person she’d ever encountered, there is no excuse for an unsolicited attack on your appearance. She knew it was a horrible thing to say and it would hurt you, and frankly she didn’t / doesn’t care. She wanted to bring you down.

I remember an old “friend” telling me that her ex boyfriend had called me a “fat bitch”, it really stung and I’ve never forgotten it over 20 years later.

Friends don’t say these sorts of things OP, she’s not a friend

She's nasty. I would've been equally as nasty and asked her who gave her the impression she was pretty!

Text her

'I think it's your personality that puts men off.'

Then block the bitch.

With friends like these who needs enemies, right?

That a person has evaluated you at all, let alone decided they are better/prettier etc, is rather galling. Thinking that it’s okay to tell a friend what she did? Nope.

if you can meet guys easily, then you can make new female friends even more so. Dump her and move on. Friends are meant to help you feel good about yourself, not run you down.

Maybe this is an occasion when you can choose to see the positive rather than the negative and start changing the way you think about things. Learning to do this is the best way of improving your self-esteem because your confidence will come from within rather than being dependent on the validation of other people like your friend. The world is full of people who'll tell you things that hurt your feelings and you can't curl up and feel pierced every time. The world won't change but you can.

Looks are subjective. Some people are pretty but don't have 'it', whatever it is that makes people drawn to them. Some people are attractive in an interesting way that some people see and others don't. Some very ordinary looking people have a captivating energy or sparkle. We all find different things attractive and clearly men find you attractive. It's good news that you seem to have found a nice one. Your friend hasn't. What does that tell you?

My guess is that she felt a bit resentful or jealous and said the bit she should have kept in her head (why her and not me?) aloud. I'm sure it's something that many of us have wondered about. It doesn't matter.

One final thought. I'm old enough to be your mum and you remind me very much of myself when I was trying to negotiate life in my 20s. Don't make the fact that men are attracted to you the basis of your self-esteem. Don't become the kind of woman who only ever feels she's okay if she's got a man (or a woman) at her side. Focus on becoming stronger and more confident in yourself as an independent woman.

😂😂 please do this

@Ohhhhh What happens now is, leave the friendship alone for a while. She’s obviously peeved that you’ve been getting more male attention/dates than her and deliberately said something bitchy and cutting in order to undermine you.

If I were you I wouldn’t contact her again. She was nasty to you and feels perfectly entitled to be.

Shit friend. I'd distance myself from that

I brought it up to my friend and she just said I needed to grow up, and that was her opinion

I hate this take on things like this.

Sure, people are allowed their opinions. But friends do not voice opinions that might hurt feelings for no good reason. A good reason might be - "yes I think that dress is a little tight" or similar, not what she said to you.

I think anyone would feel hurt at that. I don't think I'd be able to continue being friends after that. I'd certainly let the relationship drift.

(I had someone say similar to me once, it was really hurtful. It was also tagged with a "you must be a slag" kind of insinuation, as clearly it wasn't my looks the blokes liked )

She's bitchy, bitter, rude, jealous, has a superiority complex and appears very superficial.

I'm not surprised she's struggling to find someone who could tolerate her attitude problem.

Her opinion is based on all of the above which makes it highly questionable. I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you. She's not a nice person.

But you're getting attention and she isn't...

Says it all.

She's jealous

You probably "get all these men" because you aren't a horrible bitch like your so-called 'friend'... Just a thought 😁

She’s negging you. And she’s jealous.

All the attractive vs pretty debate is nonsense in this context. One might muse the difference about other people - if comparing - but not if including oneself, especially if calling yourself pretty.
Im sure if you asked her outright she’d say backtrack and say she meant attractive was a step up from pretty but you know she didn’t mean that.

If her comment on your looks came out in the wrong way, she would be apologetic and trying to explain herself. She’s nasty and jealous, you’re well rid.
I think all of my friends are gorgeous. Like that passage from the twits, all their lovely qualities just beam out of their face in my eyes.
Cut her out, and the other friend who seems equally bitchy. Surround yourself with people who see the beauty in you and cheer you on instead xxx

Pretty is often just surface though isn't it? It needs to be supported with substance to be attractive to ourselves and to others.
I wouldn't worry too much about your shallow 'friend's' comment @Ohhhhh despite your previous issues, you have overcome them and are happy and confident in your current relationship.
Tell her to keep her judgement and opinions to herself and if she can't do that then fuck off. In fact tell her to fuck off anyway.