AIBU to think this isn’t a necessary comment to make about how your friend looks?

[Ohhhhh]

I met up with my friend over the weekend and she said something that really upset me. We are both in our 20s and I thought we were good friends, we’ve both been there for each other through hard times.

I am currently dating a really nice man, after a string of not so good relationships. I think I’ve had an average number of relationships, and have enjoyed dating in my early 20s. She is different to me, which is fine, and hasn’t dated as much and wouldn’t like to have causal things like I do - which is her choice. She says she wouldn’t sleep with someone before 4 dates and said I might be setting myself up to fail because I do. Anyway.

She said to me, unprovoked “how do you get all these me ? You’re not pretty but you are attractive” I asked what she meant and she said “well I’m pretty, I wouldn’t say you are, you’re attractive”

I am so upset. I have really low self esteem and have had previous relationships where my looks have been under constant criticism. I also have history of an eating disorder so I guess I am very conscious about how I look.

AIBU to be hurt? I think I am overreacting but I can’t stop thinking about the comment and thinking that everyone thinks I am this bizarre looking creature and I’m her ugly side kick?

When I was a teenager a boy at college said I had a lovely bum he was walking behind me and a friend. So called friend said yeah she's got child bearing hips ! The thing was that I believed her for years because my self esteem was low. Of course now Im older and definitely got child bearing hips I can see the remark as it was intended a put down and a nasty little seed planted in my head . Of course the size 8 tall teenager i was didn't have those hips ! She's jealous of you O/P and thinks she's a cut above you . Ghost.

I think there is a difference between prettiness and attractiveness (though they can overlap). Angelica Houston for example is not what I would call pretty but she is very attractive. Pretty can be a bit insipid and strong features lean more towards attractiveness. So it’s no bad thing. However the way she said it makes it sound like she was deliberately trying to be a bitch!

She might be prettier, who knows? She certainly doesn't sound nicer though, which is probably why you attract more people than She does! 🌷

Yeah, your friend is a bitch. I will say this; Meryl Streep isn’t “pretty” but she IS beautiful and attractive. Being pretty is fairly meaningless and you clearly get all
this men because you are physically attractive AND have a personality to match.

your friend has no such attributes.

Is she pretty vacant?!

I'd be telling her she may be pretty but her attitude stinks and that's why she's not getting 'all these men'.

She isn't much of a friend

What a cow.
She sounds jealous.

She's jealous

It's that simple.

i don’t think she was calling you ugly. Pretty people can be unattractive and vice versa.

beauty shows up in different ways. If she’s your friend and she hurt your feelings you should say that.

i’d say being attractive is lovely as it means people are drawn to you and your orbit

but in general I assume you give friends the benefit of the doubt.

also getting men is not a barometer of beauty if we’re being honest and it sounds like her self esteem isn’t great either.

Angelina Jolie is attractive, Reese Witherspoon is pretty. I think personally attractive has a hint of sexiness whereas pretty is nice, maybe a bit dull.

Either way I don’t think she meant it like that, think she was trying to out you down. Personally I’d rather be attractive than pretty!

Next time she says something like that say, ‘oh, I don’t really think of you as pretty’. Although I wouldn’t give her a next time, she sound a pain.

Not a friend. She's jealous and wants to bring you down.
Friends lift you up

A friend should never voice such a question/opinion.

to me attractive is the next level up from pretty…

and I’d point out you attract all these men because you are attractive and have a personality to match. Maybe she should work on the personality bit it seems…

She's nasty and also a bit ignorant/naive for thinking that dating is based solely on looks when it's much more to do with personality and confidence. I imagine she's a bit insecure about her lack of experience and feels the need to project that onto you

Ditch the bitch!

I didn’t know how to respond I just kind of said “what does that mean?” And she didn’t really elaborate.

It hurts a bit more because our mutual friend said before “OP you are unique looking” when I asked if unique people could be pretty too she said “no”. And the friend who said the “attractive not pretty” comment said what a bitch this mutual friend was at the time.

Ive never had any negative things to say about my female friends - I lift them up and try and make them feel good about themselves. I’m utterly insecure and she knows this. It just stings because I didnt ask for an appraisal of what I looked like and i can feel myself feeling down about myself since she said it.

it’s hard to ditch her as our mothers are quite close.

Trust your instincts OP, the reason this exchange is bothering you is because it is not how a friend behaves. Simple as that. She’s not a friend.

I had a similar situation with a “friend” and honestly have never looked back since I cut her off.

Sorry she said that, try to move on from the comment and her🌹

She's not your friend. Don't make the mistake I did and put up with this behaviour for the next 30 years. Cut and run!

Angelina Jolie is knockout stunning. She isn't 'pretty' because she left that behind at the starting gate. I consider myself to be a beautiful woman, but I would look like a cave troll next to her. She is a poor example of 'attractive but not pretty'. I also don't think that Reese Witherspoon is pretty at all! She has a massive chin and she also seems really up herself.

I agree with the PP who gave Anjelica Huston as an example of attractive without being pretty.

The only other thing I can think of is that it is tiresome to be pushed into being someone’s emotional support human. You mention your insecurities a lot, say that she is aware of them, and she mentioned “all these men” as well as waiting to sleep with them. If you are constantly leaning on her for support and reassurance and going on about your dating issues then she might be quite fed up of it all. It is frustrating to have that be the main topic of discussion and you start to feel used by the person that is constantly seeking your attention and validation for these issues (both dating and general insecurities).

It doesn’t excuse her being rude and unpleasant, but it may explain it. If you want to keep in contact with her you should probably pull back for a while and see what happens.

She sound bitter, jealous and ugly inside

I would never comment on someone’s personal appearance except I might say if I really liked something they were wearing.
It is just beyond rude.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I wouldn’t want her as a friend.

That was a jealous and unkind thing to say. Stupid too!

2 things strike me about your OP.
First I think the friends comment is more about her, secondly are you (OP) happy with your lifestyle / habits because why would you question your attractiveness - it doesn't make sense to me.

She’s a wrong‘un, OP 😬. Spiteful and unnecessary.