Grandmother doesn't get it

[Firstgrandbabyissues]

Hi all.
Unfortunately I am making a post and I'm sorry to say that it will be a long one. So apologies in advance but I really need some advice .

I used to get along well with my MIL, until I got pregnant. She works as a health assistant at our local hospital and were I had the baby.

It started during the pregnancy. She treated me like an incubator for a baby, would demand I stopped wearing certain clothes because She didn't like it (especially my heels I wore to church) she tried to get involved my birth plan, she even tried to speak to my midwife about my appointments as I didn't share everything with her( some things were private) she would tell me how to parent etc and invaded my privacy. This made my difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum even worse. She always told me how she never felt sick or nauseous once during any of her 2 pregnancies.

I was a planned c section due to medical reason and I didn't want her to know when it was due as I didn't want her opinions about it or try and show up. My husband would tell her whatever she wanted and got mad a me when I didn't want to share personal details with my MiL. His argument was that it was her grand baby and therefore her rights.
My husband didn't tell her when the baby was due but then we started arguing about visits as I didn't want visitors in hospital. He said it wasn't fair on her. She also kept on demanding getting texts when I would go into labour.
I hemorrhaged during the section and spent 6 hours in recovery. Baby was fine!!
My parents live in Sweden and my mum knew about the section as she's had 3, and I know she wouldn't fly over straight away as she knows I would need space to recover in the early days pp.

4 hours after a healthy baby boy was born we decided to start calling people. When we called my in laws my MiL immediately called my baby hers and refused to accept that it was her grandchild. Thankfully FIL put his foot down. She didn't ask how I was doing, got annoyed when she found I he had been born 4 hours prior to the call. My husband tried to wheel baby out to see her as I didn't want visitors ( came to the point where my midwife had to make people aware of MIL in order to prevent her coming by)
Still she met us as we were being discharged as my husband tried to get her into postnatal.

Making a long story shorter. She told my son I had been mean by forcing her to wait 5 days to see him when they came to visit..she spent the first 3 months trying to constantly take baby off me. Was rude and nasty when she didn't get her way. Ex when I sat next to my sister in church, when she didn't get to hold baby in a busy pub as he was unsettled and fuzzy (husbands grandparents 60th wedding anniversary) baby was 8 weeks and we had travelled 2 hours for this event. She refused to give him back when asked for naps, feeding or baby crying. I would always have to take him back. She prevented naps from happening or woke him up from naps even when I'd asked her to leave him alone. She hoovers over him like a possession, treats me like a stupid first time mum (I have studied children's development and family psychology for 7 years-I work with it for a living) she's been pure nasty. My husband has defended her and after Christmas I refused to see her. During Christmas she refused to give him back when he was crying ( she's knows that's our rule as she has complained about me taking my baby back) refused to put him down or hand him back after I told her 4 times it was nap time. She keeps talking badly about me to baby like "mummy needs to do what nanny says because nanny knows best, its in her best interest" etc. My husband got annoyed with me and told me I was the problem for butting heads with his mum. I told him that all I wanted was to be respected as a parent.
He spoke to his parents end of Jan when he realised that I was serious about not wanting to see his mum again as I had put up with it for 5 months, plus the pregnancy. They had a chat and MIL said she was only trying to help but that she understood. However my husband said she didn't need to apologise for her behavior towards me.
She's been a bit better the last 3 weeks, as in no rude or nasty comments. But now she's starting to call me and my husband mean and bullies when we say no to baby, like no to grabbing a knife, plate or anything that can hurt him. I'm not OK with that as that will undermine us as parents. She still hoovers and tries to take over when doing things like putting his coat on, putting him in his pram, trying to take over feeds (baby is FF) she cannot leave things for us to do on our own as she clearly thinks we aren't capable (she still tries to make decisions for my husband due to her controlling needs)..... she's not once to this day said anything positive about me as a mum. Baby is almost 7 months

Today we went out for a meal for her birthday after church, where she hoovered over baby, was desperate for his attention, not leaving him alone to nap.
During the meal she constantly kept commenting about him. From food, to what he's doing...she cannot focus on anything else or talk about anything else when he's around. Told baby I was being mean when I didn't let him grab my plate because its too heavy for him. Baby went to her for a bit but fell asleep. I asked my husband to take him back so we could put him in the pram to sleep but he didn't. I asked again as they were bringing the cake out and wanted him in his pram as I know my FIL would take a video and post it on social media. We keep baby off social media ( we share photos another way with family) and his parents know this. Yet FIL posted the video on social media...
My parents are aware of everything that's happened with my MIL as she has hurt my feeling soo many times. My dad called and said he wasn't happy when he saw the video of my MIL refusing to hand baby back to my husband when he asked for baby back. She ignored him and hung on to baby tighter. Turns out my husband asked 3 times before baby came back to him. I got annoyed as MIL was made aware that her behavior had to change and handing baby back was 1 of the issues. Yet she only managed 3 weeks before falling into her old behavior. My husband said it was no big deal as he got his son back eventually, but for me it's the disrespect of a parent's order.

I really don't kmow what to do anymore as husband keeps playing it down and accepting her behavior, whilst I'm fed up with it. I try and call it out whenever she disrespects us but I cannot keep doing it every time we see them (usually once a week, sometimes more as she complans when she doesn't get to see baby every week) She only lasted 3 weeks since the conversation with my husband. She's mentally exhausting to be around (she always lectures me about my own child) and it's taking it toll on me. My husband wants us to get along so baby can have a good relationship with his grandparents. As do I but I need to be respected as a parent as well, and she's made it clear that she doesn't listen to me. She will only talk to me if I have the baby, she ignores me when not.
Husband is fed up of me bringing it up but I cannot let it go.
So, AIBU about it all or should I keep calling her out? I feel like I can't keep calling her out forever either so not sure what to do.

Really sorry about the long post but could really use some advice! Thanks

Use the opportunity to go to Sweden lots, husband can visit you there.

arrange to meet them at a cafe for lunch or supper when your DH returns to uk, that way there’s a clear start and end to the contact.

also more think pavlovs dogs. Each time she over steps, decrease contact for a few weeks. Each time she behaves appropriately, arrange to see her again the next week. And repeat repeat repeat. Similar has worked for me.

OP was post-partum, 5 days is a very reasonable time not to have visitors.

This dismissal of the needs of the actual mother is depressing.

To be fair - could the father not have shown the baby to his parents for a few minutes at least without the mum, in that case? Would have avoided the pressure cooker effect.

But OP says they did try to do that:

My husband tried to wheel baby out to see her as I didn't want visitors ( came to the point where my midwife had to make people aware of MIL in order to prevent her coming by)

This. I can’t believe she calls you both bullies and DH sits and takes it. I’d explode if someone undermined me like that infront of my child about anything let alone my parenting!
I agree with the poster who said about going to Sweden for a break from them all…. I’d be telling DH you need some time to think!!…. That might make him take his testicles out of his mothers apron!

Enjoy your time in Sweden with your parents.
where are you moving to in September? As in how far away from in less will you be?
we live 300 miles from my inlaws and apparently that’s far enough that they’ve never bothered to meet their granddaughter who is now a teenager!

I think you have a husband problem more than an MIL problem, in that his inaction and refusal to support you is emboldening his mother to treat you poorly. I have very difficult in-laws who are extremely disrespectful and undermining of my husband and I, but I'm fortunate in that my husband sees it for what it is and is just as bothered about it as I am.

No advice as I'm not sure what you can do apart from try to get your husband on board, but solidarity as she sounds pretty awful and I can't imagine how stressful it's been for you dealing with her on top of being a new mum!

Let me guess... you, through no fault of your own, have a "difficult" relationship with your DIL. 🙄

In the bin with this rubbish advice.

@nonmerci99 exactly what I thought.

It's cool though that we all learn so much about how not to behave as a mil / grandmother.

Like learning to understand that what we might want isn't really a priority for new parents / our adult dcs.

I have said just this to my husband -- his parents have given me valuable lessons in how NOT to behave should my children go on to have children in the future.

She’s a fucking lunatic and your husband her little flying monkey. What a total nightmare they are.

“If you don’t get your mother in line, and tell her to behave, she will never see this child again. And before you both start, no, she doesn’t have rights over my child. Don’t fuck with me.”

Time to get tough. They’re riding roughshod over you.

Yes, but it says he ‘tried’ (is that against her wishes ?), and the MIL said she hadn’t seen it for the first 5 days, so presumably didn’t manage.
I have sympathy for the OP, (as I said, my MIL was a milder version of this, and it took years for our relationship to recover - she backed off over time) and definitely think her needs come first - but it does feel like sometime around day 3 or 4 she could have stood a 20 min visit from her inlaws, or agreed to have the baby wheeled into the next room so they could meet him.
i think the MIL sounds like a nightmare but the OP is being a bit rigid. Eg - crying baby def needs to be handed back but when a tiny baby falls asleep on someone, what’s the big deal, especially when it’s only once a week, not every single nap.

My advice to you OP would be to limit contact (eg every fortnight not every week, or do it when DH not around, so on your terms, and don’t stay too long - or just drop the baby off for an hour so at least you don’t have to witness it and she can’t comment to him about you)…. And definitely pick your battles. If you pick the big ones or the ones where she is most clearly overstepping, your husband is more likely to back you. And beware the constant moaning about his mother to your DH. It will harm your relationship (it did mine), and he might turn against your own mother.

Maybe shes become more clingy with him because she's not allowed access like usual with a grandparent ?

What?? You say this as if it's a right that she has access??

This woman is overbearing and unhealthily obsessed with your child. I would actually leave your husband over this. Do you see what's happening op. He's built a picture in his mind that YOU are the problem and as time goes you are going to have many massive problems on your hands. The baby is going to get bigger and she will be demanding overnights. Your dh will become less hands on, you will ask him for more help, he will say send the baby to his mother if you complain and then you are a problem again for not doing that. He sounds absolutely pathetic I'm not addressing this.

Pack your bags and go home to Sweden.
And it's hovered..not hoovered

I agree with all those saying you have a problem with your DH as well as MIL.

Your MIL sounds genuinely mentally ill to take this to this degree, and the family dynamics in your DH's family, and his pandering to her rather than caring for his own wife and baby properly, are worrying.

I mean she is out of order for saying the things she does & not respecting your boundaries. But there are always so many mother in law posts like this, she obviously just wants to be involved. You will be the mum in law one day as well, how would you like to be treated? Imagine you were banned from seeing your only grandchild

If my adult children banned me from seeing my grandchildren because of my behaviour, I'd work on changing my behaviour. I'm a granny and I have no right 'to be involved'. It's their little families and my role is to support them not make their lives more difficult.

The first few months of a babys life are always fraught with all kinds of craziness.
I consider this situation a prime example.
Im sure things will settle down, esp. after baby is 9 months old.
You have your own accommodation so it should be easy to ease her out of your every day life. Get some kind of security camera on your front door to prevent her turning up unexpectedly
I think probably, her main gripe is that her precious son has got married. Shes using the baby to marginalise you and your influence. Keep asserting your will, and she will get the message.
I dont think SHE will ever change but YOU will work out how to handle her as time goes on.
You do not have to socialise with them, or you could minimise the time socialising. .

MILs are a pain with their first grandchild - it does calm down and in the future you might be very glad of her help.

This is absolute lunacy! MIL has massively overstepped and she needs put in her place. The main issue is your spineless husband! He needs to step up and defend you. It’s his mum, his problem! Tell him he either respects your wishes and puts her in her place or you’ll leave and he doesn’t have an issue to worry about

Let him take baby to mil house you will get a break and some time for yourself

Read what @fourelementary says and maybe try to reset the situation. Your child will benefit from a harmonious relationship with GPs, especially since your family is further away.

You sound like a very young teen.

Write her a letter with everything you have said here. Your husband is useless but he cannot force you to see you MI. Just stop seeing her until she can act like a normal person. DH needs to support you. Try not to be oversensitive though.