Grandmother doesn't get it

[Firstgrandbabyissues]

Hi all.
Unfortunately I am making a post and I'm sorry to say that it will be a long one. So apologies in advance but I really need some advice .

I used to get along well with my MIL, until I got pregnant. She works as a health assistant at our local hospital and were I had the baby.

It started during the pregnancy. She treated me like an incubator for a baby, would demand I stopped wearing certain clothes because She didn't like it (especially my heels I wore to church) she tried to get involved my birth plan, she even tried to speak to my midwife about my appointments as I didn't share everything with her( some things were private) she would tell me how to parent etc and invaded my privacy. This made my difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum even worse. She always told me how she never felt sick or nauseous once during any of her 2 pregnancies.

I was a planned c section due to medical reason and I didn't want her to know when it was due as I didn't want her opinions about it or try and show up. My husband would tell her whatever she wanted and got mad a me when I didn't want to share personal details with my MiL. His argument was that it was her grand baby and therefore her rights.
My husband didn't tell her when the baby was due but then we started arguing about visits as I didn't want visitors in hospital. He said it wasn't fair on her. She also kept on demanding getting texts when I would go into labour.
I hemorrhaged during the section and spent 6 hours in recovery. Baby was fine!!
My parents live in Sweden and my mum knew about the section as she's had 3, and I know she wouldn't fly over straight away as she knows I would need space to recover in the early days pp.

4 hours after a healthy baby boy was born we decided to start calling people. When we called my in laws my MiL immediately called my baby hers and refused to accept that it was her grandchild. Thankfully FIL put his foot down. She didn't ask how I was doing, got annoyed when she found I he had been born 4 hours prior to the call. My husband tried to wheel baby out to see her as I didn't want visitors ( came to the point where my midwife had to make people aware of MIL in order to prevent her coming by)
Still she met us as we were being discharged as my husband tried to get her into postnatal.

Making a long story shorter. She told my son I had been mean by forcing her to wait 5 days to see him when they came to visit..she spent the first 3 months trying to constantly take baby off me. Was rude and nasty when she didn't get her way. Ex when I sat next to my sister in church, when she didn't get to hold baby in a busy pub as he was unsettled and fuzzy (husbands grandparents 60th wedding anniversary) baby was 8 weeks and we had travelled 2 hours for this event. She refused to give him back when asked for naps, feeding or baby crying. I would always have to take him back. She prevented naps from happening or woke him up from naps even when I'd asked her to leave him alone. She hoovers over him like a possession, treats me like a stupid first time mum (I have studied children's development and family psychology for 7 years-I work with it for a living) she's been pure nasty. My husband has defended her and after Christmas I refused to see her. During Christmas she refused to give him back when he was crying ( she's knows that's our rule as she has complained about me taking my baby back) refused to put him down or hand him back after I told her 4 times it was nap time. She keeps talking badly about me to baby like "mummy needs to do what nanny says because nanny knows best, its in her best interest" etc. My husband got annoyed with me and told me I was the problem for butting heads with his mum. I told him that all I wanted was to be respected as a parent.
He spoke to his parents end of Jan when he realised that I was serious about not wanting to see his mum again as I had put up with it for 5 months, plus the pregnancy. They had a chat and MIL said she was only trying to help but that she understood. However my husband said she didn't need to apologise for her behavior towards me.
She's been a bit better the last 3 weeks, as in no rude or nasty comments. But now she's starting to call me and my husband mean and bullies when we say no to baby, like no to grabbing a knife, plate or anything that can hurt him. I'm not OK with that as that will undermine us as parents. She still hoovers and tries to take over when doing things like putting his coat on, putting him in his pram, trying to take over feeds (baby is FF) she cannot leave things for us to do on our own as she clearly thinks we aren't capable (she still tries to make decisions for my husband due to her controlling needs)..... she's not once to this day said anything positive about me as a mum. Baby is almost 7 months

Today we went out for a meal for her birthday after church, where she hoovered over baby, was desperate for his attention, not leaving him alone to nap.
During the meal she constantly kept commenting about him. From food, to what he's doing...she cannot focus on anything else or talk about anything else when he's around. Told baby I was being mean when I didn't let him grab my plate because its too heavy for him. Baby went to her for a bit but fell asleep. I asked my husband to take him back so we could put him in the pram to sleep but he didn't. I asked again as they were bringing the cake out and wanted him in his pram as I know my FIL would take a video and post it on social media. We keep baby off social media ( we share photos another way with family) and his parents know this. Yet FIL posted the video on social media...
My parents are aware of everything that's happened with my MIL as she has hurt my feeling soo many times. My dad called and said he wasn't happy when he saw the video of my MIL refusing to hand baby back to my husband when he asked for baby back. She ignored him and hung on to baby tighter. Turns out my husband asked 3 times before baby came back to him. I got annoyed as MIL was made aware that her behavior had to change and handing baby back was 1 of the issues. Yet she only managed 3 weeks before falling into her old behavior. My husband said it was no big deal as he got his son back eventually, but for me it's the disrespect of a parent's order.

I really don't kmow what to do anymore as husband keeps playing it down and accepting her behavior, whilst I'm fed up with it. I try and call it out whenever she disrespects us but I cannot keep doing it every time we see them (usually once a week, sometimes more as she complans when she doesn't get to see baby every week) She only lasted 3 weeks since the conversation with my husband. She's mentally exhausting to be around (she always lectures me about my own child) and it's taking it toll on me. My husband wants us to get along so baby can have a good relationship with his grandparents. As do I but I need to be respected as a parent as well, and she's made it clear that she doesn't listen to me. She will only talk to me if I have the baby, she ignores me when not.
Husband is fed up of me bringing it up but I cannot let it go.
So, AIBU about it all or should I keep calling her out? I feel like I can't keep calling her out forever either so not sure what to do.

Really sorry about the long post but could really use some advice! Thanks

@Firstgrandbabyissues you need to be a lioness here.
Ask for the baby back and if she doesn't comply immediately then stand over her and repeat give me my baby now, I won't ask again.

If she tries to tell you what to do shut her down with 'dh and I know what we're doing why don't you attend to your own household.'

If all else fails put baby in cot.
Come downstairs and tell her to fuck off.
Or if at her house pick up baby and leave, every single time.

Practice doing it.

I'm surprised this post came so late.
Your husband is meant to be supporting you and the child you have together. He seems completely unable to put in place boundaries with his mother - who is overbearing and insensitive (as well as tone-deaf to her behaviour).

If I were in your position I'd be reconsidering the entire relationship.

I never understand why there is always such a drama about visiting. I think making in-laws, siblings etc wait 5 days before visiting is ridiculous. I would be absolutely gutted if I had to wait five days to see my grand child.

I have 7 GC. I have spent a lot of time bigging up my own AC and their partners over their parenting; standing back and only doing what is asked of me. That does not leave me out in the cold and not enjoying my GC - quite the opposite! The AC know I will respect their role; they know I am there when needed.

I find it utterly bizarre when some women behave in this deranged way - I use the word deranged advisedly. It seriously is not normal behaviour at all.

You need to have some serious words with your OH - now.

Claw your week ends back. Face time eow....
Dh can send pics whenever he wants to.

What is especially worrying are her undermining comments - Mummy is mean etc. Before long your baby will be of an age to take this on board and it will cause trouble.

Retreating from being in her physical company is the only way forward. If dh kicks off remind him who he married...

This isn’t going to improve.
Go to Sweden with baby, if only for a couple of weeks. Ignore all comms from MIL. This will be symbolic, she’ll realise that you can make things very difficult for her. Use the time to mentally recharge.
When you come back have a full and frank conversation with your partner- make it clear that unless she changes she won’t be seeing baby at all. Stick to your guns. She’s clearly not got the baby’s best interests at heart. Tell him that legally grandparents do not have the right to demand anything.
When he goes away/ you move, if you are still seeing them make it once a month at most.
Do not, under any circumstances, agree to her doing childcare on her own, either formally or informally. She sounds downright dangerous.

This says exactly what I was thinking better than I could have articulated it. Fully agree!

Bloody hell, I couldn't disagree more with that diatribe. I pity any future DIL you may have.

I'm a granny and I wouldn't dream of forcing myself onto my DC and their families. I'm there if they need me and they know I'll do whatever I can if they need help or advice. It's certainly not the role of a grandparent to make demands, to critise or ignore the parents' wishes. That kind of overbearing behaviour has the opposite effect than that intended and guarantees that you will see less of your grandchildren not more.

OP thank goodness you're moving further away in September. Honestly your MIL sounds unhinged, and your DH sounds as though he's deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with his mother. Read up on it, it's very interesting. My husband was the same for many years before we had DC. He's an only child and his parents were insufferable when we got together. I could write a book! I went NC with them for a few months after our wedding - I was sick of their constant criticism and passive aggression. DH also had to learn that I would not dance to their tune. It worked eventually and we came to a truce situation.

Your upcoming issue with your DH's weekend visits, I'd say, to keep the peace and tide you over until you move, that they come over one of the mornings early, say 9am for an hour (or you go to them so you can leave when it suits you), and then maybe once a month have them over for tea with little one if you can cope with it. Whatever happens it's so important that you establish your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck!

I agree. Both of you sound unreasonable. These threads are probably variously a mix of mil problems, dil problems and a mix of the two. People are 'drawn' like cartoon characters in many of them. People are often 'screeching' , 'demanding' and 'bullying'. It must be exhausting.

Husband is aware and is keen on still maintaining their bond, but he also goes on about how we need to see his parents every weekend so they can see their grandchild.

What about your parents in Sweden? Do they get to see their GC weekly? Has he thought about that?

If someone is recovering from a traumatic birth, they want time to process. Grandparents, etc. don't take precedence and it's not a competition.
Having had an EMCS myself and needing an unforseen transfusion, I was absolutely knackered, sore, and very emotional during the first week. Visitors and all they entail (however well-intentioned) would have been one too many extra thing to deal with at that time.

A few things. I wouldn't let your MIL near the baby, as in, not in the house, not holding your child, not meeting for a meal, absolutely nothing. There is something wrong with her mentally and it sounds as though she is a danger to your child. The second issue is that it seems your husband doesn't take your concerns about his mother seriously. I would tell him that if he doesn't support you 100% then you are leaving him and then enlist your parent's help in getting you and your child away from this toxic family. It is sad that your husband won't protect you and your child.

My MIL used to pull stunts like this. She'd often turn up unannounced on my doorstep at 9am when DC was a tiny baby expecting to come in for a cuddle or to take DC out. It got to the point where I'd ignore the door and if she questioned it I'd just say I was asleep after a long night and didn't hear the door. She even got FIL to 'talk' to me about denying her access to my baby.

The good news was that once DC got bigger and harder work she did stop being so batshit. Hopefully your MIL might be the same. Tbh, I think I'd start making excuses not to meet up with her. I'd also have to speak to DH and tell him how upset it was making me. I don't have GC yet, but I sure as hell am not going to be as bonkers as some as the MILs on MN.

Your child isn't a toy. You will need to set some firm boundaries.

Soon your child will be old enough to understand your MIL talks to you like a piece of dirt and doesn't respect anything you say or do.

Don't be ridiculous!

The woman needs to back right off.
The H needs to grow a spine.

The OP needs to consider her options.

@Firstgrandbabyissues

I'm a grandmother. I agree with Shetlands to a large degree.

She's unhinged and she'll only get worse

If I'd done 1% of what she's done my DC would have disowned me

Did you read the rest of the post?

It completely depends on how the new family are feeling. It’s her medical event, not the grandparents or her husband’s. Yes it’s his child too but a few hours after giving birth his focus should be on his newborn and his poorly, sore wife. By day 5 I was getting better but up till then was still really ill, bleeding heavily, struggling to get DS to latch, and sobbing uncontrollably every couple of hours. The absolute last thing I needed was a visitor. Its 2024, we can send pics and photos instantly. Granny can still bond with her grandchild a few days after he’s born. Counting myself lucky lovely IL’s and my parents cooed happily over video call and WhatsApp pics and insisted they were happy to wait till we were ready to invite them to meet baby.

I wouldn't be letting her near the baby again for a long time. Not until baby is a lot older.

If DH wants to continue to visit his parents willy nilly then he can do so on his own. You and baby stay at home. I'd make absolutely sure he knew that it was because I was no longer willing to put up with his mother's unacceptable behaviour and his abject failure to deal with it.

I think a break for a month with your own parents in Sweden sounds like a good shout.

@Notchangingnameagain it's just not about you and what you want though, is it?

Some people are certifiably fucking crazy. Your MIL is one of them.

I'd cut contact and go out with baby every time she comes round. You gave her another chance and she blew it

Thank you all for your advice and comments. I've tried to not turn to mumsnet but I felt I needed impartial views from people who aren't my parents.
Next time I see her I will address her again not doing what she was asked, lay down the criteria for her being part of DSs life going forward. But if she does anything like this again she will be cut off for good. No tears, excuses or conversations will make a difference as she has over and over again shown that she will not change. Actions have consequences and it's time she realises that. She's been given enough chances.

I'm aware husband is a major part of the issues so I will call him out next time on the spot and have him speak up. He chooses him mum again, than I will have to reconsider the future of our marriage. He's had enough chances as well to say something as I've always told him about his mums behaviour. I wish I'd have known that his behaviour would change once baby arrived before I got married. Yes I know that's a harsh thing to say.

I have a trip to Sweden planned for next weekend, cannot wait to see my parents again.

Thank you all again for your input!