Grandmother doesn't get it

[Firstgrandbabyissues]

Hi all.
Unfortunately I am making a post and I'm sorry to say that it will be a long one. So apologies in advance but I really need some advice .

I used to get along well with my MIL, until I got pregnant. She works as a health assistant at our local hospital and were I had the baby.

It started during the pregnancy. She treated me like an incubator for a baby, would demand I stopped wearing certain clothes because She didn't like it (especially my heels I wore to church) she tried to get involved my birth plan, she even tried to speak to my midwife about my appointments as I didn't share everything with her( some things were private) she would tell me how to parent etc and invaded my privacy. This made my difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum even worse. She always told me how she never felt sick or nauseous once during any of her 2 pregnancies.

I was a planned c section due to medical reason and I didn't want her to know when it was due as I didn't want her opinions about it or try and show up. My husband would tell her whatever she wanted and got mad a me when I didn't want to share personal details with my MiL. His argument was that it was her grand baby and therefore her rights.
My husband didn't tell her when the baby was due but then we started arguing about visits as I didn't want visitors in hospital. He said it wasn't fair on her. She also kept on demanding getting texts when I would go into labour.
I hemorrhaged during the section and spent 6 hours in recovery. Baby was fine!!
My parents live in Sweden and my mum knew about the section as she's had 3, and I know she wouldn't fly over straight away as she knows I would need space to recover in the early days pp.

4 hours after a healthy baby boy was born we decided to start calling people. When we called my in laws my MiL immediately called my baby hers and refused to accept that it was her grandchild. Thankfully FIL put his foot down. She didn't ask how I was doing, got annoyed when she found I he had been born 4 hours prior to the call. My husband tried to wheel baby out to see her as I didn't want visitors ( came to the point where my midwife had to make people aware of MIL in order to prevent her coming by)
Still she met us as we were being discharged as my husband tried to get her into postnatal.

Making a long story shorter. She told my son I had been mean by forcing her to wait 5 days to see him when they came to visit..she spent the first 3 months trying to constantly take baby off me. Was rude and nasty when she didn't get her way. Ex when I sat next to my sister in church, when she didn't get to hold baby in a busy pub as he was unsettled and fuzzy (husbands grandparents 60th wedding anniversary) baby was 8 weeks and we had travelled 2 hours for this event. She refused to give him back when asked for naps, feeding or baby crying. I would always have to take him back. She prevented naps from happening or woke him up from naps even when I'd asked her to leave him alone. She hoovers over him like a possession, treats me like a stupid first time mum (I have studied children's development and family psychology for 7 years-I work with it for a living) she's been pure nasty. My husband has defended her and after Christmas I refused to see her. During Christmas she refused to give him back when he was crying ( she's knows that's our rule as she has complained about me taking my baby back) refused to put him down or hand him back after I told her 4 times it was nap time. She keeps talking badly about me to baby like "mummy needs to do what nanny says because nanny knows best, its in her best interest" etc. My husband got annoyed with me and told me I was the problem for butting heads with his mum. I told him that all I wanted was to be respected as a parent.
He spoke to his parents end of Jan when he realised that I was serious about not wanting to see his mum again as I had put up with it for 5 months, plus the pregnancy. They had a chat and MIL said she was only trying to help but that she understood. However my husband said she didn't need to apologise for her behavior towards me.
She's been a bit better the last 3 weeks, as in no rude or nasty comments. But now she's starting to call me and my husband mean and bullies when we say no to baby, like no to grabbing a knife, plate or anything that can hurt him. I'm not OK with that as that will undermine us as parents. She still hoovers and tries to take over when doing things like putting his coat on, putting him in his pram, trying to take over feeds (baby is FF) she cannot leave things for us to do on our own as she clearly thinks we aren't capable (she still tries to make decisions for my husband due to her controlling needs)..... she's not once to this day said anything positive about me as a mum. Baby is almost 7 months

Today we went out for a meal for her birthday after church, where she hoovered over baby, was desperate for his attention, not leaving him alone to nap.
During the meal she constantly kept commenting about him. From food, to what he's doing...she cannot focus on anything else or talk about anything else when he's around. Told baby I was being mean when I didn't let him grab my plate because its too heavy for him. Baby went to her for a bit but fell asleep. I asked my husband to take him back so we could put him in the pram to sleep but he didn't. I asked again as they were bringing the cake out and wanted him in his pram as I know my FIL would take a video and post it on social media. We keep baby off social media ( we share photos another way with family) and his parents know this. Yet FIL posted the video on social media...
My parents are aware of everything that's happened with my MIL as she has hurt my feeling soo many times. My dad called and said he wasn't happy when he saw the video of my MIL refusing to hand baby back to my husband when he asked for baby back. She ignored him and hung on to baby tighter. Turns out my husband asked 3 times before baby came back to him. I got annoyed as MIL was made aware that her behavior had to change and handing baby back was 1 of the issues. Yet she only managed 3 weeks before falling into her old behavior. My husband said it was no big deal as he got his son back eventually, but for me it's the disrespect of a parent's order.

I really don't kmow what to do anymore as husband keeps playing it down and accepting her behavior, whilst I'm fed up with it. I try and call it out whenever she disrespects us but I cannot keep doing it every time we see them (usually once a week, sometimes more as she complans when she doesn't get to see baby every week) She only lasted 3 weeks since the conversation with my husband. She's mentally exhausting to be around (she always lectures me about my own child) and it's taking it toll on me. My husband wants us to get along so baby can have a good relationship with his grandparents. As do I but I need to be respected as a parent as well, and she's made it clear that she doesn't listen to me. She will only talk to me if I have the baby, she ignores me when not.
Husband is fed up of me bringing it up but I cannot let it go.
So, AIBU about it all or should I keep calling her out? I feel like I can't keep calling her out forever either so not sure what to do.

Really sorry about the long post but could really use some advice! Thanks

The problem is here OP neither of you have ‘rights’ to your baby but MIL is definitely being overbearing and sounds horrendous.

I don’t agree with the whole her not seeing him for 5 days at the start, your DH has every right to want his parents to see his child when his DC is born and I think as others have said you are both using your baby in a game of tug of war and your DH is worse than useless.

Are you able to visit your parents for a break? Just maybe two weeks or so? Take DH with you, don’t bring up the situation with his parents and maybe try to spend some time alone together too.

Strange comment, when this is a forum where people post opinions.

This thread is so concerning and apart from the usual resident mumsnet MIL's rights activists who are moaning about how they have the right to scoop up into a womans womb and take the baby out because they are the grandchild I am glad OP is getting a lot of support.
OP your MIL sounds absolutely unhinged and dangerous - this is not normal behaivour. An overly excited grandmother maybe breaks a few rules here and there, like giving too many sweets or being a bit too desperate for a cuddle. This is deranged. This behaivour sounds more like someone who desperately needs mental health intervention and your spineless husband isn't helping. I am always shocked by these stories but maybe I've spent far too long around women with adult children who have full lives outside of being a mum and whilst they might be excited to be a grandmother they have zero intentions of trying to force themselves into a motherly role.
People say this is all about being a loving grandmother but this woman is clearly more interested in control. It's only someone who is control obsessed who throws fits and tantrums about being asked to wait a few days to meet a new baby and tries to dictate to and undermine new parents at every turn. I've realised for some women the love of small children is actually that they have complete control and once their children are adults they look to their new targets aka their grandchildren.
I can't wait for the day people understand that love of a grandchild comes a lot from having a supportive and loving relationship with their parents - this is coming from someone who is now pretty low contact with her paternal grandmother because of her suffocating need to be the centre of everyone's lives and her historical treatment of my own mother.

Yes, I’d be off home to Sweden too.

Only read the OP posts.
Honestly I would just stay in Sweden.
Give your DH an ultimatum on who to support. His wife or husband mother.
The way things are going it cannot be both.

Good luck, it sounds really difficult and awful

Is it possible your MIL has signs of early dementia this kind of fixated horrible behavior is quite common I know most people associate dementia with memory problems but certain types of dementia it is behavioral and quite often any nasty traits they had before are exaggerated with the illness.

Or mil could just be a cunt....

Go and visit your parents in Sweden, they are entitled to enjoy their grand child; consider if you can stay in this marriage; get advice on a restraining order against her, keep a detailed diary of dates, times etc, especially around trying to get control of your pregnancy and birth notes

From the amount of boundaries crossed before baby arrived, she would be lucky to even see a picture if it were me.

Anyone thinking they have a right to the personal, medical information of another person because they’re the grandmother is unhinged and deserves a wide berth and if the hcp actually shared such info without consent, they should be reported.

This. YAB a bit U.

Wow, I think you need to ditch your husband and send both him and his mother packing. He should be backing you up and he isn’t. Why isn’t he making you his number 1 priority? He isn’t going to change and will continue to zap the life out of you along with his mother. This is serious. I wouldn’t want any of them in my life. Between the pair of them they will ultimately cause you mental illness because of the stress. Your time as a new mum has been ruined by them both. This isn’t on and I really hope you see sense. Take the baby and go and live with your parents for a while.

Behave yourself. Some grandmothers clearly must behave like this, otherwise we wouldn't hear sorry tales like this one on MN, but most certainly do not. Or do you seriously believe that becoming a grandmother automatically signifies the inset of total lunacy?

I am sorry if your world is populated by such poor quality adults.

I would be considering a divorce. I have no respect for a man who cannot risk hurting his mothers feelings for the wellbeing of his wife and child, and would not be able to look at him the same. He is consistently undermining you and your authority to do your best for your own child. If this is allowed to continue then he and his mother will teach the child to treat you with contempt, just as they do. He needs to understand how serious you are about this, and the damage he is doing to your relationship by continually siding with his mother.

Other side of the story would be interesting.
I.was very unwell after the birth of all my children but managed to understand how important a quick visit from grandparents was to them.

as youved realised your d isnt helping at all h@es eithher got your back or not and you need to reconsder your marriage

Oh dear. She needs to get over herself and you need to tell her straight. Ask yourself if this was any other person other than MIL would you tell them? If answer is yes then tell her .. . Straight. Otterwise it will only get worse. ( A MIL speaking here btw.)

Then you'd be the one causing drama about visiting. It's the person trying to force their presence on others (in practical terms, the mother) when the mother is uncomfortable with it that's the problem.

Unless the child is dangerously ill and may not survive, you can wait a few days. It's not about you.

Sounds like you’ve become overly invested every time there’s a meet up. I can imagine, having read your post, that you get yourself worked up before the meet ups, and then over analyse everything your mil does. Maybe there is some crossing of boundaries, but you also need to pick your battles and not be so controlling. It’s obviously affecting your dh too, and I’m guessing he was the person who was the tug of war prize between you and mil before baby came along. It all sounds so draining.

Enjoy your trip to Sweden!
Your dh needs to grow a pair and stand up to his Mum. My dh took years to do this, so it may take a while. My mil was outside my room when I gave birth and due to me having an emergency c section saw my baby before me. Next one, we didn’t tell her when the c section was so dh rang her and said we’d had a baby boy - she shouted at him and made a grown man upset when he’d rung to say we’d had a baby! Bitch! 15 yrs on, we have very little contact and the kids don’t give a shit about their gps! Sad, but not my doing.
Please be firm and say you won’t see them anymore if this behaviour continues. She’s had her chance at being a mum, now it’s your turn. All she’s doing is ensuring that she has a rubbish relationship with her dgc.

I'm sorry it must be awful living with all this trauma and no support. Such a shame when so many ftm have no one close by, you do but it's raising so many problems.

It does sound like a power/control issue. I've been on the other side where family accused me of taking over and being overbearing when my late DP got ill. Hos illness was something I have specialist knowledge in and I tried, honestly to share it with them, not to make me 'in charge' or 'know it all' but that's how they took it. I've since discovered people often do take things this way and I try to keep shut up more now in sim situations.

Absolutely not.

I would do what my children wanted. I would not force myself on them but would be gutted if I had to wait five days.

I would not share that feeling with them.

My personal experience is that I was fortunate enough to have my Mum at the birth of my children, as did my siblings so couldn’t imagine asking her to wait five days plus.

My FIL provided childcare whilst in labour so saw us as soon as we got home, equally I couldn’t imagine asking him to wait five days plus.

I hope that my relationship with my children and their significant others is not fractured enough when the time comes that they’d not want me around to help and support them in any way I could.

Each family has the right to decide who can visit and when visiting takes place based on their own circumstance’s and their own feelings.

It seems though, that a lot of threads about timescales for visiting newborns are generally centred on keeping an annoying, overbearing and interfering mother in law away.

The baby becomes a pawn in a game of control between two woman.

You are going to have to cut contact with her because this will be a nightmare as your baby gets older. I don’t know how that will work though with your DH taking her side. I fear she’s going to mess up your child…my mum is a narcissist too (although nowhere near as bad as MIL) and she caused so much drama when my DS’s were little. It was like having three children.

I’d suggest counselling because I think your DH needs someone else (who he has more respect for) to tell him that MIL is toxic. Otherwise your marriage will break up and she’ll end up spending more time with your child, probably trying to turn them against you. I wish you could just run off to Sweden…a much better place to raise a child…sorry that’s not helpful!

And don’t listen to the people saying she shouldn’t have had to wait five days. If she’d behaved herself during the pregnancy I’m sure you’d have been more keen to see her!

OP your MIL is a narcissist. Unless you’ve dealt with one personally it’s impossible to understand how much stress they cause.

I agree with this, and say that as someone who had a more mild version of your MiL myself. I think that is why DH probably isn’t backing you, because in theory you agree but in practice you are being overly sensitive.

I wouldn’t jump on the first vague crossing of a boundary - as you will then look like you are looking for trouble - but wait for a very clear-cut one to make your point.
I would say very calmy ‘if you don’t give baby back I am afraid I won’t let you hold him again’. And if she does do something extreme, then calmly leave.
Once your baby is slightly older, it might be less annoying to let her have him for a couple of hours, so she can ‘play mother ‘ to her heart’s content, and you won’t have to witness it. Personally I preferred that (i don’t think there is any safeguarding risk to the child, and she is not unhinged, just self obsessed), rather than having to watch it all, having the baby cry and be unable to take him back when I could have soothed him so much more quickly etc. So drop off, then pick up and leave quickly (avoiding the lecture about how what an amazing time they had and all the amazing things she got him to do), thereby minimizing your time with her. She won’t care as she is only interested in the baby.

Finally - you are needy or unrealistic to be expecting praise. No one will praise you for doing what they themselves managed to so (and in her eyes i am sure she is convinced she did it all very well). And quite frankly, a good mums is the default is it not - the bad ones are the ones which stick out. And it’s highly possible she doesn’t agree with all your principles so she probably thinks you are fine but not necessarily amazing !

I'm sorry for your troubles. Your MIL sounds like a very selfish, controlling woman. Apart from how she is reacting towards you and your child, look at the dynamic between her and your DH... he can hardly bear to stand up to her. You and your child should always be his main priority and your happiness should be paramount, You come first, because if mum isn't happy, then baby won't be either. It would seem that he has never cut the apron strings. I don't know your ages, but it is waaaay past time. You need to sit down with him and explain child development and that if he thinks that this untenable situation isn't going to have a lifelong negative impact on his child, then he's he's either ignorant or just doesn't care. Neither is a good look, but, as a matter of urgency, he needs to 'man up', start acting in the best interest of his wife and child and lay down some hard and fast boundaries for his mother. That should not be your job and, anyway, you tried that and her empty promises didn't even last 21 days. Don't listen to the earlier naysayers, being a grandmother isn't some kinda automatic entitlement, it's a privilege that is earned and that's the way it should be. It's also a two way street and of course we all make compromises, but she is just flat out uncompromising. My god, imagine refusing to give a child back to its mother??!!! I don't care what the circumstances, that's wrong on so many levels. She sounds unhinged... She obviously doesn't care about the happiness of your little family unit because she is so selfish that she's prepared to put her own messed up assumptions about 'grandmother' entitlement first. It makes me wonder about her relationship with her mother, because where did she learn these behaviours? Whatever, it's shocking and the reason you feel she doesn't respect you as a mother and as an equal is because she doesn't. Soo disrespectful. She is spoiling precious times and these are precious times with the new life you brought into the world that you won't get back. Your FIL is no help either. He's obviously very much under her thumb, which is fine if that's where he wants to be, but to film your baby, directly against your wishes, which you made known to him, and to then post it on social media, then that makes him shockingly equally complicit. You need to ask your DH exactly where his loyalties lie, because at the moment, it doesn't seem as if they lie with you and his child. If they did he would already have set boundaries for his mother and you could all find peace, MIL included... because at the moment she sounds very far from peaceful...
Sorry for the long post, but I feel so very angry on your behalf. I hope you all manage to resolve this issue. ✌🏾❣️