Grandmother doesn't get it

[Firstgrandbabyissues]

Hi all.
Unfortunately I am making a post and I'm sorry to say that it will be a long one. So apologies in advance but I really need some advice .

I used to get along well with my MIL, until I got pregnant. She works as a health assistant at our local hospital and were I had the baby.

It started during the pregnancy. She treated me like an incubator for a baby, would demand I stopped wearing certain clothes because She didn't like it (especially my heels I wore to church) she tried to get involved my birth plan, she even tried to speak to my midwife about my appointments as I didn't share everything with her( some things were private) she would tell me how to parent etc and invaded my privacy. This made my difficult pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum even worse. She always told me how she never felt sick or nauseous once during any of her 2 pregnancies.

I was a planned c section due to medical reason and I didn't want her to know when it was due as I didn't want her opinions about it or try and show up. My husband would tell her whatever she wanted and got mad a me when I didn't want to share personal details with my MiL. His argument was that it was her grand baby and therefore her rights.
My husband didn't tell her when the baby was due but then we started arguing about visits as I didn't want visitors in hospital. He said it wasn't fair on her. She also kept on demanding getting texts when I would go into labour.
I hemorrhaged during the section and spent 6 hours in recovery. Baby was fine!!
My parents live in Sweden and my mum knew about the section as she's had 3, and I know she wouldn't fly over straight away as she knows I would need space to recover in the early days pp.

4 hours after a healthy baby boy was born we decided to start calling people. When we called my in laws my MiL immediately called my baby hers and refused to accept that it was her grandchild. Thankfully FIL put his foot down. She didn't ask how I was doing, got annoyed when she found I he had been born 4 hours prior to the call. My husband tried to wheel baby out to see her as I didn't want visitors ( came to the point where my midwife had to make people aware of MIL in order to prevent her coming by)
Still she met us as we were being discharged as my husband tried to get her into postnatal.

Making a long story shorter. She told my son I had been mean by forcing her to wait 5 days to see him when they came to visit..she spent the first 3 months trying to constantly take baby off me. Was rude and nasty when she didn't get her way. Ex when I sat next to my sister in church, when she didn't get to hold baby in a busy pub as he was unsettled and fuzzy (husbands grandparents 60th wedding anniversary) baby was 8 weeks and we had travelled 2 hours for this event. She refused to give him back when asked for naps, feeding or baby crying. I would always have to take him back. She prevented naps from happening or woke him up from naps even when I'd asked her to leave him alone. She hoovers over him like a possession, treats me like a stupid first time mum (I have studied children's development and family psychology for 7 years-I work with it for a living) she's been pure nasty. My husband has defended her and after Christmas I refused to see her. During Christmas she refused to give him back when he was crying ( she's knows that's our rule as she has complained about me taking my baby back) refused to put him down or hand him back after I told her 4 times it was nap time. She keeps talking badly about me to baby like "mummy needs to do what nanny says because nanny knows best, its in her best interest" etc. My husband got annoyed with me and told me I was the problem for butting heads with his mum. I told him that all I wanted was to be respected as a parent.
He spoke to his parents end of Jan when he realised that I was serious about not wanting to see his mum again as I had put up with it for 5 months, plus the pregnancy. They had a chat and MIL said she was only trying to help but that she understood. However my husband said she didn't need to apologise for her behavior towards me.
She's been a bit better the last 3 weeks, as in no rude or nasty comments. But now she's starting to call me and my husband mean and bullies when we say no to baby, like no to grabbing a knife, plate or anything that can hurt him. I'm not OK with that as that will undermine us as parents. She still hoovers and tries to take over when doing things like putting his coat on, putting him in his pram, trying to take over feeds (baby is FF) she cannot leave things for us to do on our own as she clearly thinks we aren't capable (she still tries to make decisions for my husband due to her controlling needs)..... she's not once to this day said anything positive about me as a mum. Baby is almost 7 months

Today we went out for a meal for her birthday after church, where she hoovered over baby, was desperate for his attention, not leaving him alone to nap.
During the meal she constantly kept commenting about him. From food, to what he's doing...she cannot focus on anything else or talk about anything else when he's around. Told baby I was being mean when I didn't let him grab my plate because its too heavy for him. Baby went to her for a bit but fell asleep. I asked my husband to take him back so we could put him in the pram to sleep but he didn't. I asked again as they were bringing the cake out and wanted him in his pram as I know my FIL would take a video and post it on social media. We keep baby off social media ( we share photos another way with family) and his parents know this. Yet FIL posted the video on social media...
My parents are aware of everything that's happened with my MIL as she has hurt my feeling soo many times. My dad called and said he wasn't happy when he saw the video of my MIL refusing to hand baby back to my husband when he asked for baby back. She ignored him and hung on to baby tighter. Turns out my husband asked 3 times before baby came back to him. I got annoyed as MIL was made aware that her behavior had to change and handing baby back was 1 of the issues. Yet she only managed 3 weeks before falling into her old behavior. My husband said it was no big deal as he got his son back eventually, but for me it's the disrespect of a parent's order.

I really don't kmow what to do anymore as husband keeps playing it down and accepting her behavior, whilst I'm fed up with it. I try and call it out whenever she disrespects us but I cannot keep doing it every time we see them (usually once a week, sometimes more as she complans when she doesn't get to see baby every week) She only lasted 3 weeks since the conversation with my husband. She's mentally exhausting to be around (she always lectures me about my own child) and it's taking it toll on me. My husband wants us to get along so baby can have a good relationship with his grandparents. As do I but I need to be respected as a parent as well, and she's made it clear that she doesn't listen to me. She will only talk to me if I have the baby, she ignores me when not.
Husband is fed up of me bringing it up but I cannot let it go.
So, AIBU about it all or should I keep calling her out? I feel like I can't keep calling her out forever either so not sure what to do.

Really sorry about the long post but could really use some advice! Thanks

Yep. Sometimes you need to go nuclear.

I'm a granny and your MiL sounds horrendous and toxic to me. Besides the fact that I would never want to behave like her, if I had, my son would have put a stop to it.

It sounds like you have two problems: your DH and your MiL, which must be utterly exhausting for you. I think you'd benefit from a month's break (at least) back home and your husband should support you in doing that. Tell him that if he doesn't accept you leaving for a month's rest then it will result in you leaving permanently. Meanwhile, you could consider not going to church or changing churches so you don't have to see MiL as much.

She's bonkers and toxic actually. Who does she think she is, interfering like this?

Your h is useless and weak. He needs to sort this out once and for all. Your mil has a lot of apologising to do actually.

I had a mil a bit like this. My ex h was weak and useless too. Our marriage really suffered and I had PND because I truly believed she could and would take my baby from me forever such was her insistent intrusion.

I’m a grandmother who adores her DGC but your mil sounds positively unhinged. Your DH must stop pandering to her. Until you get him onside, she will keep doing these things.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you during such an important time in your life. Your mother in law is deranged but the biggest problem here is your husband. If he can't get on board in accepting that his mother's behaviour is outrageous then I can't see any way forward here.

Can you speak to him again about it? Maybe couples counselling? A trip home might be a good idea too but obviously DH would have to be on board with that.

If he can't accept that his mother is being unreasonable, to put it mildly, he'll have to consider whether his mother's approval is more important to him than keeping his wife and child.

What a load of absolute bullshit. There’s always one on every thread, isn’t there.

@Shetlands thank you for your comment as a grandparent. It's definitely helpful to have a MILs view on the matter.
I do want them to have a good relationship but she needs to understand that it's not her baby to parent and stop interfering in how we parent. My husband and I always agree on our rules and how we want to handle situations, he just won't speak up when it happens.
MiL complains when she doesn't get to see baby every week. Sometimes we are busy, have other plans or take a Sunday off. She calls and complains that she's not seen baby. I get she wants a relationship him her GS, but I feel like we can never do anything with others or ourselves because she expects weekly visits.

Things will get more difficult and I would love your honest views and feelings regarding below

My husband will be away for 5 months from April (he's in the military) but will be able to come home most weekends...hopefully. as we will only get a weekend together as I family I want to prioritise our family. Especially baby's bond and attachment with his dad. Husband is aware and is keen on still maintaining their bond, but he also goes on about how we need to see his parents every weekend so they can see their grandchild. How can we go about this as I am worried that we won't get enough time as a family due to him prioritising his mum over our marriage. I am aware we will need to see them. But every weekend when we only get to see my husband for 48 hours a week seems a bit much.
Could you please let me know how you think we can go about it as I would love your input.
Should point out that MIL isn't interested in her own son since baby was born.

We are also due a move in September so will be further away from in laws. Should I try and keep calling her out when she's rude and disrespectful knowing we probably won't see them as often when we move and just try and deal with it for now?
I also have a feeling MIL will only be interested during the baby phase as she wants the cuddles and the cute moments. She already tries to hold him down for cuddles even though he doesn't want to because he wants to explore.
We are fortunate to have a baby who's interested in a lot and wants to be around all the time. So I have a feeling she won't be as interested when he becomes a toddler.

While your husband is away, I totally agree that you should prioritise his weekends as family time. Perhaps every other weekend you could get together with MiL & FiL for half a day or lunch. How would you feel about a mid-week visit on the other week so she gets to see the baby once a week? Don't offer that if it stresses you out.

Of course you should keep calling her out when she's rude or disrespectful. Tell her you'll stop her visits altogether if she doesn't listen to you or is rude but add that your FiL will still be welcome to see the baby without her. She has to see there's a consequence to her behaviour or she'll keep doing it and you'll never have any peace. I know it's hard to be tough but as long as you are polite and calm when laying down your boundaries, you'll be doing the right thing.

YANBU at all. ESPECIALLY not about not wanting visitors in hospital. That is your right. You have not been OTT at all, in anything you have done. Please don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I second all the posters saying you need a break in Sweden, to see your own family and get away from the stress of your toxic MIL. I don't think anyone is suggesting you run away to Sweden; just go on holiday to break the crazy cycle you're in at the moment. If your husband objects, ask him how it's fair that you see his family every week, but don't get to see your own.

Seeing MIL every weekend is far too often. Just say no. It's not your job to keep her happy. It's your DH's job to stand up for you, your child and the family the three of you have created. It's HIS job to manage his mother's expectations and to put you and your child first.

Your DH and you need to become more of a team. If you don't, you'll muddle on unhappily for several years until you'll eventually divorce. Nip it in the bud now.

And ignore the posters on here who say you're being unreasonable.

Is it your mil's first or only grandchild?

I think she needs to watch her step. I doubt you will take much more of her shit. She should back off and stop being so bloody demanding. It's not about her anymore. Why does she think it is?

She sounds vile.

My husband will be away for 5 months from April (he's in the military) but will be able to come home most weekends...hopefully. as we will only get a weekend together as I family I want to prioritise our family. Especially baby's bond and attachment with his dad. Husband is aware and is keen on still maintaining their bond, but he also goes on about how we need to see his parents every weekend so they can see their grandchild. How can we go about this as I am worried that we won't get enough time as a family due to him prioritising his mum over our marriage. I am aware we will need to see them. But every weekend when we only get to see my husband for 48 hours a week seems a bit much.
Could you please let me know how you think we can go about it as I would love your input.

my husband was only home for 36 hours a week for DD’s first 18 months. Nearest family was 250 miles away.

absolutely agree about prioritising his time with baby. Would suggest a couple of hours with MIL once a fortnight (or month) which will also prepare her for when you are further away.

but you HAVE to get your husband to see that prioritising her over you is not going to be accepted or that he will have an easy life. You’ll never resolve him if he is not on board 24:7.

I also want to add that when you're standing up to her, say that you've talked about this with DH and he agrees with you - then look at him and say "don't you". Force his hand a bit to say to her face what he's said in private.

This is a woman who has loved her own children and has felt the void of no babies for a long time. She wants to desperately be a grandmother. Too much maybe but give her grace.

Copied from OP original post.... Am not sure if you actually read it?? so here it is again.
She treated me like an incubator for a baby
demand I stopped wearing certain clothes because She didn't like it
she tried to speak to my midwife about my appointments
she would tell me how to parent etc and invaded my privacy.
She always told me how she never felt sick or nauseous once during any of her 2 pregnancies.
demanding getting texts when I would go into labour.
4 hours after a healthy baby boy .... She didn't ask how I was doing,
she spent the first 3 months trying to constantly take baby off me.
Was rude and nasty when she didn't get her way.
She refused to give him back when asked for naps, feeding or baby crying.
She prevented naps from happening or woke him up from naps even when I'd asked her to leave him alone.
treats me like a stupid first time mum
she's been pure nasty.
During Christmas she refused to give him back when he was crying
refused to put him down or hand him back after I told her 4 times it was nap time.
She keeps talking badly about me to baby like "mummy needs to do what nanny says because nanny knows best, its in her best interest"
she's not once to this day said anything positive about me as a mum. Baby is almost 7 months
Told baby I was being mean when I didn't let him grab my plate because its too heavy for him.
She will only talk to me if I have the baby, she ignores me when not.

I'd say this goes above wanting to be a GM....

I can tell you from experience
It doesn't get any easier
If DH is prioritizing her now ,then he always will.
With hindsight I wish I'd LTB

Why do grandmothers think what they want or need is so very important? It just isn't. Sorry but that's the truth.

'void of no babies' 😂😂

It is actually possible to have a meaningful life when childbearing years are over. Your MIL should try getting a life.

It IS the truth and the difficulty I had with my own MiL made me determined to be a better granny. I've bitten my tongue many a time and it's not always easy but I find that I'm asked for advice because I don't give it unsolicited or criticise. Being a parent is hard, especially with a 1st baby and Mum needs lots of support and kindness not bossy instructions from granny. My own Mum couldn't remember what to do with babies so she never interfered thankfully but MiL was a bloody nightmare!

@Shetlands exactly your post.

If you keep your snout out and stop being demanding, then a much healthier respectful energy will emerge.

I would strongly recommend a session with a counsellor to unpick this. I think you need a professional to get through to your husband that his mother is being completely inappropriate and he’s enabling her to behave terribly and never change as he has no boundaries with her. For whatever reason I don’t think he’s got the capacity to hear that from you.

I agree with Springcat 100%.

I had a MIL like this but it turned out that my problem was 100% DH. The ILs would turn up unannounced at the worst possible times and grab the baby - found out many years later that they would arrange visits with him and he didn't tell me!

It's too late now as FIL has died and MIL has dementia but I wish I could apologise to them for being so rude and unwelcoming to them. As far as I was concerned they were being rude and demanding, but they'd been invited by him. I was so angry when I found out.

This situation is probably not relevant to you, but the fact that he is prioritising his mother over you will not change. You need to decided now whether you can put up with this being your life because it is likely to just carry on.

If your MIL is anything like mine, when your next baby comes along she will drop the first one like a hot potato and it will be all eyes on the new one.

You need to ask your husband if he is a man or a boy?

He plays the man role around you, but as soon as mummy is around the apron strings are still firmly attached!

If he's away for 5 months and only back weekends, then I'd tell him that meet ups with the MIL will only be once a fortnight, and only for a morning or afternoon, not a full day. That way you get him 75% of the time, and he can see his mum 25% of the time one weekend, then you have him the entire weekend next time.

Or why doesn't he take the baby to see her for a couple of hours when he is home at weekends? You get 2 baby free hours, the MIL gets 2 hours of cuddles, then you can have the rest of the weekend.

Your DH is the problem here.

"stop trying to control everyone and everything. Speak to your husband and listen to his ideas and what he wants."

Why? He's not exactly listening to her in any way, is he?

The OP has a right to control her own life and that of her baby's, She has a right to stand up for herself and protect herself from the MIL's very intrusive, overbearing and hurtful behaviour.

Her husband has few "ideas" other than obeying his mother. He would rather, for a quiet life, that the OP just quietly gives in and does the same. What a life!

Good advice.