I go to a regular monthly hobby group. One women who attends is in a wheelchair -though she has some limited mobility she can use sticks for
a few times myself or others have helped push her wheelchair to bathroom at breaks. Wheeled in and left her to it. Popped back and knocked on door when she was ready to come out
no problems - happy to help. Most meeting are just 2 hours so she doesn’t need lol, it is the more irregular whole day meetings that I’ve pushed her chair.
at latest meeting she now has electric self drive chair, but she asked for help with “the bathroom again”. Sure, no issues , nothing else explained . I was a bit surprised given she has new chair but though oh well, it’s a tight squeeze into disabled loo.
got into bathroom, about to leave her, and then had her tell me , no I couldn’t leave her and that I now needed to help her onto the toilet and started to explain how to lift her skirt, pull down pants and remove an incontinence pad form around her bottom- I was stunned. I said I wasn’t prepared for that, didn’t know what to do and was very uncomfortable with it. She said it was simple, just needed “a bit of help” and proceeded to tell me what to do.
in the dithering (in fairness on my part) she then had an “accident” on the floor over her undies .
I was left to remove wet undies, pick them up annd bag them and used pads up from pool of urine on floor , and then to help get her into new clean undies and pad.
I also have a very bad back myself which means bending and lifting is painful. And she’s not a small woman
I was feeling sick (smell of urine) and felt so very uncomfortable. I have never ever done this for anyone and even when my own dad was having accidents in care home (dementia) I’d leave to staff who knew how to hold him, lift him safely and change him without further accidents.
when I said after I was not comfortable with what was happening, she dismissed it really, said “I thought you knew and agreed “! Of course I didn’t know her condition had deteriorated so she couldn’t manage toileting herself. She never once told me that when she asked if I could help her. I had no reason to suppose at all she needed more than help with doors etc.
I am appalled she assumed I would carry out such an intimate carer role for her. I am not unreasonably sqeemish but this really turned my stomach and embarrassed me seeing her completely naked waste down.
Her husband drops her off. He left her. Didn’t come back at all during day to help. Nor did she come with another carer . Seems like just because I’ve helped her a couple of times with wheeling her about in old chair , that she ambused me into doing this way more intimate and personal care for her.
I was too shocked and guilty to just walk away and leave her. Clearly she needed the loo. She was aware I wasn’t happy and embarrassed as I told her, but she made no apology in assuming I’d do this for her.
AIBU to say she was totally unreasonable to dump (sorry no pun intended) on me like this, without being explicit about her needs . Surely she should have spoken to someone in group BEFORE attending a whole day session. when her needs changed to agree how they would be managed, or got her husband to come back at lunchtime.
there are other people in group who have known her for years, and much closer- one lady who runs the group has known her for 15 years or more. I’ve only been attending group for 2 years. I barely ever talk to her as her interests in this hobby are slightly different than mine and I go with a different group of friends. i just helped in past because I was sitting near her and the door on that occasion. She seems to have now latched on to me
AIBU to also raise it with chairwomen - say that this lady needs to discuss a better approach to her care if she continues to attend all day events? I know it’s personal but she said “I thought you knew” to me which leads me to think others may know and I am a complete mug.
im actually quite angry she just assumed I would be her carer for this intimate care, without my explicit consent.
AIBU to feel this way? AIBU to say no in future? AIBU to raise it with the chairwomen and say the lady needs to come with willing carers to perform these tasks?