Finding out baby's gender

[starryeyed19]

My third, my husband's first.

He doesn't want to find out the gender. I wouldn't mind knowing.

Would I BU if I found out and didn't tell him? I feel like I am bending over backwards, trying to make the pregnancy special for him as it's his first time but then I'm missing out on things that I want to do this time around.

I know it's as shady as hell to do it and not tell him but he definitely wants to know. Should I just stick it out?

YABU: You agreed to wait, so wait.
YANBU: It's your pregnancy too, find out if you want to.

Sex.

And why not just be honest? You find out, tell him you know but don't tell him the answer. Him wanting to not know doesn't mean that you can't know. Doesn't mean you need to lie about it either.

Because he wants us to both find out together.

What will you do with the knowledge? What happens when you talk baby names etc?

Sex.

You "wouldn't mind" knowing? As in you aren't that fussed either way?

Did you find out with your older DC?

In what other ways are you bending over backwards to make this pregnancy special for him?

Sex
yes you’d be unreasonable. It is special for him as his first so me him have that

We've already picked names for a boy and a girl so it won't affect anything on that front.

I thought these days the midwife flips a coin?

Sex!

Gender

There isn't a way to find out the gender.

I think you do have the right to find out if you want to but I wouldn’t be dishonest about it. Let him know that you are going to be finding out but if he really wants it to be a surprise you can keep it to yourself and not tell him. Don’t find out in secret.

Well in that case you're not being unreasonable to say "no, I'm finding out now because I want to". You would still be unreasonable to do it secretly.

I didn't find out with my first but did with my second.

We're doing things very much according to his timescales. I want to start getting things ready for the baby and buying clothes, he wants to wait, so we're waiting.

I'm trying very hard to be mindful that this is his first child and trying to be careful about recommending ways of doing things or breastfeeding vs bottle feeding etc because he seems to get quite hurt otherwise.

Your body, your right to find out the sex whenever you want to. I do think you’d be a bit mean to actively tell him when he’s said he doesn’t want know though.

Once you know you won’t be able to keep it secret

I'm trying very hard to be mindful that this is his first child and trying to be careful about recommending ways of doing things or breastfeeding vs bottle feeding etc because he seems to get quite hurt otherwise.
He can be hurt if he wants but it's still your baby. If you want to but stuff now buy stuff now. And his opinion on how you plan to feed counts for nothing. Why is he making this about his hurty feelings? It doesn't bode well.

Gender

Really, @measuringmylifeincoffeespoons ? You can tell whether a baby is a steteotypically feminine child or a stereotypically masculine child from a scan?

OP - don't be dishonest with him. Just say you'd like to find out but won't tell him.

I would absolutely not tell him if I did find out the sex of the baby. He doesn't want to find out and I respect that. I wouldn't hint or tell him when he didn't want to know

i think on the bfing thing - if you want to breastfeed then he doesn’t get a say. Any form of guilt tripping around that would domestic abuse.

It's your body and your baby too. Find out if you want to and don't tell him the sex if he doesn't want to know.

I realise that Mumsnet is quite hot on the whole gender vs sex thing but I would appreciate it if you could continue that particular discussion on another thread please.

I’d go along with not finding out to be honest.

He doesn’t get a say in how you feed the baby, how you labour however. So he needs to reframe how he thinks about that to himself, being “hurt” is ridiculous.

Sorry, he's not insisting that I feed the baby a certain way or anything like that. He just seems to get a bit upset or uncomfortable sometimes when I say something that shows that I have done this before. I don't know if that makes sense, I hope it does.

If you find out I guarantee you’ll let it slip at some point. And he’ll be very upset. I wouldn’t do it.

I'm trying very hard to be mindful that this is his first child and trying to be careful about recommending ways of doing things or breastfeeding vs bottle feeding etc because he seems to get quite hurt otherwise

Apologies but this is bonkers and a bit disturbing. You can't spend the rest of your life tip-toeing around the fact that you've done this before and have experience of child-rearing, is he going to sulk about every aspect of parenting if you make a suggestion?