Finding out baby's gender

[starryeyed19]

My third, my husband's first.

He doesn't want to find out the gender. I wouldn't mind knowing.

Would I BU if I found out and didn't tell him? I feel like I am bending over backwards, trying to make the pregnancy special for him as it's his first time but then I'm missing out on things that I want to do this time around.

I know it's as shady as hell to do it and not tell him but he definitely wants to know. Should I just stick it out?

YABU: You agreed to wait, so wait.
YANBU: It's your pregnancy too, find out if you want to.

I'm sorry but this is madness , I mean he's aware that you've 2 older children and have in fact done this before but gets upset about the fact? Doing everything to his timescales?He sounds very controlling and I think you've bigger problems than finding out the sex of your baby.

I agree with @GalileoHumpkins. It sounds a bit worrying.

Your DH gets absolutely no say on how you feed your baby.

Personally I think it would be hard to know and not accidentally let it skip, so unless you have very strong reasons for wanting to know in advance, which it doesn't sound like you do, I think it would be better to wait.

In the subject of recommended ways of doing things, I don't know what the gap is between your current children and this baby, but bear in mind that recommendations change over time.

I have a friend with a big gap between children and the advice on a number of issues changed during that time. Even though she was an experienced mother when she had her 4th child, she had stuff to learn. As an example, her first children had all been put to sleep on their fronts, in accordance with the advice at the time. Advice on weaning also changed. So it's worth checking that what you did with your current children is still the recommended approach.

He's honestly not trying to insist that I feed the baby a certain way or labour in another way but I feel that sometimes he wants to make all the decisions together and that isn't always feasible. He isn't controlling, not really. He likes things the way he likes them, but quite a few people do. I'm not great at communicating what I want and need to get better at that.

I'm very open to learning and yes, masses of things are different so we are both learning some things together

I'm pregnant and DH and I have decided together not to find out. I'd be extremely hurt if he went behind my back and (somehow) found out anyway.

What difference will knowing make to you if he doesn't? Presumably you'll have to continue with all neutral preparations anyway.

This is really strange op, he knows this isn't your first child, you've had experience on bringing up 2 children, this experience is invaluable, you can't act like this is your first just because he gets upset. Surely he is mature enough to know that anything you suggest would be for the good of your child

I think he does know that. He probably just feels out of his depth and isn't really very good with that.

YABU

I just cannot imagine you wouldn't let this slip. When you were buying stuff for example, even if you're not massively into the blue/pink thing, it would definitely become clear.

As it's his first and your third I go with his wishes

Finding out the sex is the least of this family's problems.

Sex.

It would be a bad idea to find out in secret. My dh wanted to know and I didn't so I suggested the sonographer told him and not me. He found that too strange and in the end I agreed that we would both find out. So I compromised but I didn't regret it.

I think whatever you decide you need to arrive at together

If you want to find out, then tell him that. I can’t see how it would affect what you buy for the baby though? Prams etc are pretty neutral purchases and so are clothes for the first 6m or so - babygrows mostly!!

You'd be lying by omission. Are you happy with that?

It's very hard not to refer to the baby as 'he/she' when you know, you're bound to slip up at some point!

OK, thanks for your opinions and advice everyone.

You've given me some stuff to think about that hadn't occurred to me before so thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

Yep same here. I’d be devastated if my partner knew and I didn’t.

I know. Clever aren't I.

What do you mean?

I dont think its that big a deal. I was desperate to know babies sex. If dh didnt want to know id have just not told him.

It is possible to keep it a secret. I did!

Read the posts about her husband's reactions and behaviour.

Your pregnancy, your medical record, your health. Do what you want. Men really need to stay in their lane when it comes to pregnancy. And stop trying to make it special for him. What the fuck? You’re putting your body under an immense strain to have a baby. You’re at risk. What you say goes.

Keep a close eye on the ultrasound and see if you can spot whether they're a boy or a girl when they measure the baby's legs. My last two pregnancies I've figured it out without being explicitly told.