Finding out baby's gender

[starryeyed19]

My third, my husband's first.

He doesn't want to find out the gender. I wouldn't mind knowing.

Would I BU if I found out and didn't tell him? I feel like I am bending over backwards, trying to make the pregnancy special for him as it's his first time but then I'm missing out on things that I want to do this time around.

I know it's as shady as hell to do it and not tell him but he definitely wants to know. Should I just stick it out?

YABU: You agreed to wait, so wait.
YANBU: It's your pregnancy too, find out if you want to.

it's not a discussion, it's a very basic fact. You have no idea how your child will chose to express their gender identify. It's a very important distinction. And YABU to find out if he doesn't want to know, there is no way you will keep it a secret.

How far gone are you and why does he not want to start getting stuff for the baby?

This man sounds like a massive PITA.

“not controlling, not really”

Why is he trying to make this pregnancy all about him?

Also he’s a controlling red flag on legs. He sounds appalling.

You won't find out the gender until the baby becomes a young person or a teenager ish age and decides its own gender. Depends how the ideology and social contagion has spread by then of course. Could be even more genders by then than the over 150 genders to pick from currently.

If you mean biological sex then speak to your partner and tell them why you would like to find out and reach a solution.

I think that's what some people refer to as having been 'assigned ' a gender. Person who helped with birth flips coin and assigns it. Can then later be adjusted dependent on whether someone wants to swish hair about and wear swirly skirts (or I am confusing that with the big hairy ones who swap a bit later in life).

I think if you find out it will be very difficult to not start thinking of them as he or she and you’ll slip up at some point. You say you’re not bothered but you obviously are! I think you need to have a conversation with him where you say you are excited and want to start getting things ready together.

Given he seems quite sensitive to the fact you have done it before and seems a bit touchy about the fact you already have kids I’d be hyper aware that his behaviour towards your current kids doesn’t change and that they don’t see the baby being treated better. It should go without saying, but he seems like he could need a sharp tug in the early days.

For me, finding out was important to help me feel connected and prepared. It made them more "real". Honestly, I was the one going through pregnancy and I think that means I get to make this decision. I would have found out regardless, as it was important to me.

It isn’t a discussion or a debate. It is a simple fact that what you are considering is finding out the sex of your baby, not its gender.

To your question, I think the parent that doesn’t want to know has to be able to veto in this case, there is no way the other parent can find out and willl not let it slip.

I don't think it's right that he should be saying he 'wants you to find out together'. He can say he doesn't wish to know. I guess he might simply worry you would let slip if you did know. So just find out, and do not say anything.
If it will be difficult for you to maintain the fact you don't know, then would it be terrible for him if you said sorry, I need to know, it's my choice? You still don't need to tell him the sex.
I think he is a bit unreasonable to say/ dictate what you should do personally.

Why?

I think it's fine to find out and he doesn't, just don't do it secretly. Also have some words with him to chill out - you already have two kids, you're doing all the hard work of actually gestating this child, him getting upset at you even mentioning something that insinuates this isn't your first rodeo is deeply annoying.

Of course be tactful about it, but he needs to give his head a wobble on that front.

Devastated is quite strong. If he knew and didn't tell you? How would that impact you?

You'll find out soon enough, OP.

Because we both agreed we don’t want to find out. If he went behind my back (if that was even possible) I’d be really upset. We wanted it to be a surprise for both of us, it’s our first and likely our only, and I think it’s important to be on the same page.

what can't people stop posting about this baby gender nonsense. It's sex. what do some not understand?

I need to know, it's my choice?

Nobody needs to know. The human race got on just fine for thousands of years waiting until babies were born to know their sex.

Ime knowing we were having a ds helped my first time df dh gain some confidence in advance!

Perhaps people don't understand biology and use the word for feelings and how someone feels they are rather than biological reality of sex or plain old XX or XY sex chromosomes?

I mean you're not going to find out on a scan if the baby will identify as pansexual, gender neutral or cat gender, so I imagine they get their words a bit mixed up? There is a push to get rid of the use of biological sex in some groups but that's a big debate.

Op, lots of couples choose to go 50/50 in regard to finding out or not.

You can find out and not tell him. He can’t dictate what you learn and don’t learn. ..

I'm very sorry to all the gender/sex people. I used the wrong word and couldn't figure out how to edit my initial post on my phone. Can we leave it now? The point has been made several times.

Thank you again to the people actually responding to the question asked.

Some PP made some good points about it being more real or feeling more connected to the pregnancy once they knew.

I'm still undecided which I'm taking as a sign to leave things as they are for now. Thank you again for your input. You've given me a lot to think about.

It's not up for discussion; the meaning of the terms was determined long ago. You want to know your child's biological sex; your child will decide years later to what extent he or she follows or embraces or defies or reshapes the gendered behaviors stereotypically associated with his or her biological sex.

Please stop: at least five people have pointed this out. I apologise for making the mistake with the terminology