Children growing up too fast!!

[Highflow]

My son is in year 7, soon to be 12 years old.
Went to a small village school, quite a nice area, nice friends.
Since becoming a parent I’ve thought children grow up too quickly, so intentionally I have tried to keep his innocence. In the things he watches, or plays on the PS5, not having a phone till secondary (and still keeping tabs on it) etc.

Now he is at secondary it’s opened his eyes as well as mine!! From checking his phone, the group chat that he is in with his whole form is awful!
The swear words used by 11 year old children, think the worst word ever, the sexual element of the chat is gross, insinuating oral sex, who is dating who.
Videos uploaded of fights on buses. Gifs of animals humping each other. Pictures of them out round the town with clearly no parents.

Im alternating between removing him from the chat, or keeping it so I can keep an eye on what he is being exposed to at school anyway with these new friends.
I know my son isn’t keen on this new world by the fact he is still choosing to be friends with his primary school friends (who are different schools) via playing online and at the weekend.

Am I a prude, is this the reality now? How do you naviagate this at such a young age. They are still such young children. I worry now for my daughter starting secondary in a couple of years.

Right.

@Beezknees

I didn't let my DC out alone at 12 either, I thought it was too young, I think they were around 14 before I did.

Now fully grown adults and absolutely no problem with independence!

Thank you

Well precisely. People have weird ideas on here about how apparently your kids will never be able to leave home and cope unless they’ve had had total freedom and independence from about the age of 10!

And don’t get me started on how we shouldn’t be making their lunch or doing their laundry, helping tidy their room etc…once they are at high school. In fact they should be running the household and cooking three course meals from the the age of 5 😂

So they never went to school alone until 14?

I don't know why people can't accept that's unusual. Most children go to school alone from year 6 unless you're very rural and live miles away from school.

I have had people express incredulity that my 8 year old "still" plays with toys. 🤔

Well, yeah. I'm not a skivvy. But hey, women will continue to moan about being expected to do everything at home while running round after perfectly capable teens. I just chose not to martyr myself and actually expect mine to help around the house.

IMO a lot of parents today use "we are letting them be independent" as a cop out so they don't actually have to parent their children.

On this thread we're discussing letting 12 year olds go out to town with their friends. Nothing remotely out of the ordinary.

I am largely referring to children using smartphones, as also extensively discussed on here.

And I was actually quite strict compared to some MNers who let their children play out at age 7. But I can't imagine not letting my child go anywhere alone until age 14! Mental.

I'm considering myself very lucky that DC 17 is into sports and from his personal exercises before breakfast to lunch time sport and sports after school he is kept rather busy. I'm very thankful he's in WhatsApp groups about sports teams and matches.

Sounds like my 15 year old. He’s at football on Saturdays and Sundays, after school he’s in our street or the field around the corner kicking his ball. He plays in the school team too, also in the Cross Country team. He wouldn’t have the time to be hanging around in town thank goodness.

I absolutely agree with this - some parents would rather there DC's would be anywhere other than under their feet so that they don't have to 'parent' and sugar coat it by saying that they want them to be 'independent'

This has reminded me…25 years ago I was at a friends house. Her (11 year old) sister was being read the riot act by her mother. Apparently she’d been chatting to a man online and telling him she wanted to take it up the bum. We thought it was hilarious at the time….shudder

Did people chat online 25 years ago?

Yes we did. MSN chat rooms!

Yep, mine does karate Tuesdays, Crav Maga Wednesday, Cricket training Friday evening, cricket Saturday, cricket Sunday and on Mondays and Thursdays he either goes for a run around a lake near to us if nice weather or uses home gym if bad weather. He does try to fit in a cinema trip and ice skating with friends once a month each but I drop him off and DH collects him. Occasionally he goes bowling with his friends. Or after a cricket match in the summer he'll have pizza with team mates in the clubhouse. In the summer cricket matches can last from noon to almost 8 pm. College takes up the rest of his time. No hanging around the streets or spending days on end gaming. I'm wondering if things will change once he gets a girl friend.

Teenagers?
So 13-19.

I agree about them taking risks (sadly why so many teenagers die on our roads both as pedestrians, drivers and passengers or young drivers.)

But the risks I'd want a 13 year old are very different to a 19 year old.
Snorting coke at a party and having sex with a random - fine at the upper end, not so much at the lower end etc etc

@caringcarer you know it’s developmental healthy for kids to have unstructured time right? So “hanging around” is actually them learning to navigate social situations.
and I say that as the mum of a gymnast who has a lots of hours of training. If young people don’t learn to have unstructured time away from adults how do they learn to negotiate the world?

I'm 38 and no one has ever pulled a knife on me in a bowling alley or otherwise in my entire life. That's not something that happens on a regular basis to kids going into town (and we live in London - not some leafy village).

Exactly. Me neither. I've lived in big cities including London and have never witnessed rapes, knifings, muggings etc.
I resent people saying it's lazy parenting that I allow my 13 year old DD to go to town with her friends. There's nothing lazy about it. I'm simply allowing her the same independence I had at that age, having assessed the risks and being aware of her level of maturity.
I don't let her go roaming around late at night. I let her go to a busy shopping centre in the middle of the day with a large group of friends. Perfectly safe. If she happens to walk past a drunk who asks her for money then she'll walk on by, as she's seen me do many times.

My 11 year old is also in year 7. He has a smartphone but no WhatsApp or other social media except YouTube. He seems happy with that. He can text and call his mates if he wants but no group chats. I thought he’d be hassling me about getting WhatsApp but he doesn’t seem that bothered. He walks 1.5 miles to school and gets the bus back. He doesn’t tend to go into town. He’s allowed to walk to friends’ houses and school but isn’t allowed to just ‘hang around’. But he likes gaming at home and meeting up with friends to do an activity or game together. He’s quite open with me so will occasionally ask me what certain swear words mean and I will explain them.

I don't structure him at all the sport he does. He opts to do it. He's just this week organised himself some work experience for over Easter holidays. It's helping at sports events for younger kids. I did suggest he had some downtime over Easter but he's happiest when busy. I can't make him stop. He's very pro-active and I often only know about it once he's organised it. Like with this work experience. He has a lot of contacts and makes good use of them. I'd rather that than a kid who hangs around complaining they are bored and needs parents to organise everything for them. He has time to chat to his friends online too or meet up with friends to go bowling, ice skating or cinema. He just doesn't like doing nothing.

@caringcarer yes he sounds much different to kids who are so over scheduled they can’t bear to think what to do when not occupied. Just unusually proactive which is great.