Children growing up too fast!!

[Highflow]

My son is in year 7, soon to be 12 years old.
Went to a small village school, quite a nice area, nice friends.
Since becoming a parent I’ve thought children grow up too quickly, so intentionally I have tried to keep his innocence. In the things he watches, or plays on the PS5, not having a phone till secondary (and still keeping tabs on it) etc.

Now he is at secondary it’s opened his eyes as well as mine!! From checking his phone, the group chat that he is in with his whole form is awful!
The swear words used by 11 year old children, think the worst word ever, the sexual element of the chat is gross, insinuating oral sex, who is dating who.
Videos uploaded of fights on buses. Gifs of animals humping each other. Pictures of them out round the town with clearly no parents.

Im alternating between removing him from the chat, or keeping it so I can keep an eye on what he is being exposed to at school anyway with these new friends.
I know my son isn’t keen on this new world by the fact he is still choosing to be friends with his primary school friends (who are different schools) via playing online and at the weekend.

Am I a prude, is this the reality now? How do you naviagate this at such a young age. They are still such young children. I worry now for my daughter starting secondary in a couple of years.

It is depressing, especially with boys. Both my daughters had to wear shorts under their skirts and sports bra that couldn’t be pinged or undone. My eldest suffered constantly from this until she left to go to college. My younger daughter switched to an all girls private school where she was able to relax.

My 14 son’s school have a zero tolerance approach to this with regular phone checks. Two of his friends have been permanently excluded for inappropriate behaviour. I keep a eye on things but he saw what his sisters went through so I trust him.

I went to what was considered a really rough primary school and I remember being shocked when I started secondary at the antics of some of the girls from the so called posher areas so this sort of thing has been going on since forever but with the internet and phones it's all more in your face.

I think it's probably the same looking back when I started secondary.

Luckily I got my first phone age 15 and it cost 10p to send a text 😂 so it was all "in person"

It's just nowadays it's all there, on a phone, 24/7. There is no down time.
It was relatively easy to stay away from the troublemakers when in person but now they are all in one group chat.
I was surprised by the swearing, slang, mature content in the y7 WhatsApp too. It did start (more mildly) in the y6 WhatsApp group but my kids went to a large primary... It did definitely go up a level though after the transition to secondary.

Also we can see it now... My parents had no idea what we were up to!!

I think there’s a difference in being kept young and allowing appropriate internet access for the age group. I’m the only parent in a Y4 class to my knowledge where my child only has an mp3 player for audiobooks and it doesn’t connect to the internet. We have plenty of chats about what can happen online and how to deal with situations, but he already knows at 12yo he won’t be given a phone with internet access. In later teens, he probably will with certain restrictions.

He’s not being kept young in that scenario, he’s simply not allowed on devices that aren’t really designed for children. We work in Tech and it’s not uncommon for parents to have these rules in that field. It’ll be exactly the same for all my DC (he’s the oldest).

It’s very common for technology to advance so quickly that problems are caused and solutions found later. Some phones are being designed with much more restrictive controls for children, some with only phone calls and texts available. I think we’ll see more restrictive regulations come in and stronger advice about children and teenagers and devices as we move forward.

@Beezknees - 'baffled' by what? The amount of drunks and drug users in a large city centre who call out obscenities? The homeless with severe mental health problems that follow and intimidate people? The rudeness of people in general in a large city centre? I have witnessed so many awful things in the city centre nearest to me including 2 knife attacks and a rape. I myself was once followed and almost attacked in the city centre. It is really not a very nice place to be and I don't feel comfortable being there as an adult and I certainly wouldn't want my 12 year old DD being anywhere near the city - I hope you are a little less baffled now Beezknees!

Same. I went to a rough and failing comprehensive. My friend went to an incredibly expensive private school. The things they got up to at the posh school shocked me to the core!!

With family link you can see keep parental controls after 13, but you have to agree it with your child as they have the power to switch the controls off (it'll inform you if they do). My daughter turned 13 this month, wanted to switch the controls off but I told her one of the conditions of her having a phone is that we keep the controls on so they stayed on.

It’s a difficult balance. It helps if they have similar friends and parents with similar ideas.
Definitely encourage age appropriate independence, some parents seem to go for the drive them everywhere/sort everything approach then wonder why they can’t cope at sixth form or uni.
Structured activities can be good. I’m a girlguide volunteer leader (girls 10-14) and the girls get opportunities but in an age appropriate way. You need to do it/ask I’m not your mum is one of my sayings. They did a large scale camp where whole site was secure and they could go around with their friends trying activities and going to stalls, they loved that. There’s a massive difference in age group. I was on a coach for an international trip for hours with the girls - one yr 6 watching an adult tv show on her phone (her parents had bought her expensive data package) another, no phone happily colouring and writing postcards.

The problem with not letting do stuff is they miss out on age appropriate learning. Dc had friends in yr 12 not allowed to get train to nearby city yet parents were encouraging them to apply to live away at university in cities? Now at 17/18 they make perfectly sensible plans to get last train home after gig together and at last minute someone’s mum messes it up - ‘Katie’s’ mum doesn’t want her to get the train she’ll drop off if you pick up etc. They have now gravitated to similar approach friends thankfully.

Legally they can opt out of Google Family Link and the Apple equivalent at 13. Infact they get emails just before their 13th Birthday telling them so.

They can, but you can make not opting out a condition of you paying for their phones

@Natsku I was told on another thread that the UK had the lowest age in Europe for kids being able to take control.

But you are in Finland, which makes me wonder if its been an EU law that said 13.

Pretty sure its an EU law. 13 seems too young for it though, that's why I told DD its not happening (but I did loosen up some restrictions, to make it less harsh on her).

Another sad thing about kids being stuck to their phones is the impact it has on their learning, and actually living life.
I know I spend way too much time on my phone as an adult, but I do pray by the time my DC is old enough to want a phone we will have better controls and the dominant negativity of SM and the internet will have been curtailed.

Not all towns are equal. My current town is a bit dire and pokey but full of local mums and grandmas, my old one was kind of done-up but had groups of daytime drunks, people clearly on drugs, and just a general dodgy feeling about it.

My eldest is nearly 10 and i wouldnt let her out just to hang around either- there are too many wierdos out there,thousands of children go missing without being found every year (just dont get the same attention like madeleine) and when kids hang around with no real purpose thats when they start to get bad ideas. Sending your kid to get him out of the way to to lurk around on the streets its just bad parenting/neglect.

I have been grabbed by makes i dont know too many times and asked to have intercourse- just when i have go to do grocery shopping for a run. Too many perverts and wierdos out there

Seems sad. Have happy memories of first year secondary getting the bus to town in and trying on clothes with my best friend and getting a wimpy. First taste of freedom! Kids need time away from the family unit with their mates or it’s smothering.

It was just easier to do it when I was young because we weren't tagged.

I don't find city centres THAT bad and I've been to a lot. You get the odd weirdo but certainly nothing to ever feel that terrified by. I go in twice a week for work, most homeless people mind their own business.

What law?

It isn't compulsory to have Google link and you can turn it off anytime

Is this in the UK?

Teaching children how to navigate tricky situations doesn’t take away their innocence, it allows them to keep their innocence for longer.

From the age of 13 children Google puts the control into the hands of children "according to the laws of your country" I think is how the email was worded.

Children at 13, can turn off the parental controls from their phone. This also means they can turn off any YouTube filters etc.
Apple sent my friend a similar message.

@Natsku is in Finland and had similar also as her DD turned 13. She thinks its a flow down of EU laws

Good grief. This makes it sound like parents have no option but to shrug. You Are Parents. Stop paying the blimming bill.