Children growing up too fast!!

[Highflow]

My son is in year 7, soon to be 12 years old.
Went to a small village school, quite a nice area, nice friends.
Since becoming a parent I’ve thought children grow up too quickly, so intentionally I have tried to keep his innocence. In the things he watches, or plays on the PS5, not having a phone till secondary (and still keeping tabs on it) etc.

Now he is at secondary it’s opened his eyes as well as mine!! From checking his phone, the group chat that he is in with his whole form is awful!
The swear words used by 11 year old children, think the worst word ever, the sexual element of the chat is gross, insinuating oral sex, who is dating who.
Videos uploaded of fights on buses. Gifs of animals humping each other. Pictures of them out round the town with clearly no parents.

Im alternating between removing him from the chat, or keeping it so I can keep an eye on what he is being exposed to at school anyway with these new friends.
I know my son isn’t keen on this new world by the fact he is still choosing to be friends with his primary school friends (who are different schools) via playing online and at the weekend.

Am I a prude, is this the reality now? How do you naviagate this at such a young age. They are still such young children. I worry now for my daughter starting secondary in a couple of years.

They do grow up too quickly and at Secondary they come across kids from all walks of life. Often many kids try and be popular and try not to become a target by bullies so they try and fit in with the lowest
common denominators. In my experience girls are the worst with many mothers encouraging their daughters to wear, tight, revealing clothing, make up, false nails, false eyelashes, false tan in the summer before they go to Secondary.

As others have said you just have to try and help them navigate things the best way you can. Where I live most kids started walking to school with friends and going into town with friends (without a parent to prepare them for walking to Secondary School) towards the end of year 5 so that is completely normal. But that might not be the case if you live in a big city.

It’s quite normal for 11yrs old to be out alone and always has been. Mine fortunately never really wanted to hang out as I remember the trouble I got up to as a teen hanging out but I’d say 11 is the age kids start to have more independence. Mine were getting the bus to school from 11, my son just 11 as he’s an August baby. It was good for his independence. DD has had a lift a lot more as school route is via a woods and a huge hill and she has some health issues but I do think independence is preferable as DS is at Uni now and has no issues travelling all over on public transport

Yes things have happened to kids in my area as well, sometimes bad luck, sometimes naivety sometimes the kids it happens to are not the little angels their parents want you to think they are.

You can't wrap them in cotton wool for ever.

But the trouble with 'let them be kids and innocent for as ling as possible' OP, is that they will not be prepared for potential dangers.
If you introduce this topic in a gentle, slow, non-scary manner, then it won't be as big a worry for the child.
We teach our children about road safety from a very, very early age. It makes them aware of road dangers and gives them the knowledge on how to stay safe.
We teach them about danger in the home (sharp items, chemicals, using the oven and cooker etc) so that they are prepared and know how to keep themselves safe.
And so on.

Online activity comes with a lot of negative experiences. Children need to be aware of this and learn how to try and avoid this aspect, how to ask for help, how to walk away from stupid online things, a lot of stuff like this. It's part of life nowadays, can't be ignored, can't be avoided. We can't put off teaching them until they reach X age. It has to be a gradual teaching process.

Same! I vividly recall graphic notes passed round the class in year 6.

I remember a boy at my school had a talent for art, he drew a photo of my friend giving a blow job to a goat. 🙄

*drew a picture not photo

Op most 12 yos - secondary age kids - will be making their own way to and from school. They might even wander into the town centre to buy lunch. That also happens without parents.

That is a natural step.

Some kids will start full-time work or be off to college at 16.
If you don't start too loosen the reins at 12 when are you going to do it ?

I agree with you OP.

I work with children in schools, often in safeguarding.

Yes, educate in SM/internet use but the trouble with being online, once seen, kids can't un see.

Schools spend so much time dealing with ‘class chat groups’ too. The awful language, the damage to children’s self esteem.

The damage to kids mental health us awful, they just don't gave the emotional maturity to deal with this.

My main finding working with kids is the naivety of parents and other adults in just what kids do see and do access.

The phones make it a million times worse - decades from now people won’t believe we gave under 16s phones without stricter controls, it will be like how we now view smoking.

This. You sound like you are not facing the reality of teen life. Banning it or trying t pretend it doesn’t exist is stupid. You need to have open discussion about being safe online, handling topics he’s not comfortable with etc

Also the point is they aren’t growing up faster- their brains aren’t ready to handle the information they are seeing.

I think it’s healthy to distinguish between online freedom and real life freedom. Online freedom (smartphones etc) has probably moved too fast for children and that’s clearly had negative consequences. We should control this carefully and be conservative. It’s all new in the last ten years and parents are still trying to work out the best way to manage it.

Real life freedom (going into town on your own etc) is something parents have been managing for hundreds of years. Within reasonable boundaries of safety, it’s generally a good thing. It gives children a sense of independence and confidence, it teaches them about the real world, it lets them see their friends and go to activities without parents having to be a constant taxi service! When I was 11 in the early 2000s I was out in central London on my own/with friends, and it was great. Yes there were occasional issues, but they were never truly dangerous and they taught us some valuable lessons about looking after yourself as an adult. I feel slightly sorry for a year 7 who’s not allowed into the nearest town on his own. Restricting freedom like that is not “letting him be,” it’s artificially stifling normal development.

You have to let them grow up, like it or not, but not all develop at the same pace. It's good to be aware of what goes on though and to have conversations with your child so they know they can talk to you about issues they experience.

Independence needs to be gently scaffolded. Whether 12 year olds should go to town alone depends on a lot of factors - ease of getting there, distance, who they might be going with, whether you trust them and feel they are ready etc. But it's never easy to let go the first time - after a while you get used to it - but that's not a reason to hold them back.

OP you are certainly NOT the unusual one!! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job! Trust your gut and also it sounds like your DS isn't ready for going off on his own etc at this age - I know my daughter certainly isn't - it might be fine for some kids but not everyone! Plenty of time for all that when they are older when they adult brains to navigate an adult world

Normal for secondary age kids to be in town with friends, I'd say from year 6. At 12, DS was catching the train to the nearest city.

DS had a smart phone primarily for the maps, public transport apps, and camera They used it to photograph the board at school if they ran out of time to copy down. He mostly just used it to communicate with me in lower secondary, PC for friends, no WhatsApp.

This isn’t a new phenomenon. I’m surprised you’re shocked by this. Same stuff was spoken about when I was at secondary many moons ago.

removing him will do him no favors, you’ve screwed up here by not giving him the skills to navigate these situations.

I’d say an independent trip into town is less problematic than social media and WhatsApp, Snapchat etc.

12 year olds have always been this way. It was like this when I was at school and I am in my 30's now, and for my older siblings who are in their 40's.

This! Keep their trust, keep them talking to you and work through things together.

Dd is 13 and we're constantly navigating various different situations that are new to us. Technology definitely seems to have accelerated the growing up process.

It started in the last year of primary when one by one the kids got phones. It's certainly been an eye opener for me to being a pre-teen / teen these days with her at a huge mixed secondary. I was at an all girls grammar in the same town back in the 90's, I think we were definitely more sheltered up until we started going out to pubs and clubs aged about 16, that's when I remember feeling I was a bit scared by all these grown up themes
that dd seems to have to encounter so much earlier. Phones and tech fast forward a lot of these things, but I do wonder if the type of school you're at has an influence, purely based on how much more sheltered my own secondary days were at the same age

it’s pretty normal at kids (not all) at this age.

it sounds like your son is being pretty sensible about it. My daughter (14) is very similar and stays away from this type of thing. Don’t worry, you know your son

Does he not walk to and from school on his own?

I understand your anxiety but you do need to give them some independence, it’ll build their resilience too.
Pretty normal I’d say for there to be swearing, although I tell him off if I hear it.
So what age will you start to cut the apron strings a bit? My sister was the same as her dd went to a tiny school. She then went to private school as my sister couldn’t imagine her going from a small village school to a large secondary. She wasn’t even allowed to walk to my house until she was about 14. I live 5 mins away.
Keeping them in a bubble is not particularly helpful op. They are not equipped to deal with normal peer issues or about the world they live in. It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in the dynamics of the group chats etc, or perhaps he’s simply telling you what you want to hear?
I remember there being swearing/sex chat when I was young in the 80s, it’s nothing new. Just access is easier and access to more graphic material.

No, I drive him. Too far to walk and too much of a busy road and crossings for him to cycle at his age alone.
Intention was to start that, settle him into secondary then look at the bus. He doesn’t want to get the bus because of all the fights that happen on it.
Fair enough, I’d feel the same, happy to keep driving him.

Could you look into bikeability level 3? That covers main roads. It's level 2 they do in primary.