Why is a man a good dad to one kid but not the other?

[TheCosySeal]

I had a friend over last night for a catch up. She’s a single mum to a 14 year old. She was really upset and venting about how her child gets treated compared to the kids her ex went on to have with his now wife.

She couldn’t understand how he can be what appears a great dad to his youngest two children but pretty mediocre to their child.

A few examples are he’s never shown any interest in their DC school life, never took their DC to school, picked up, been to assembly, parents evening, he leaves it all to her saying he’s working so can’t. Yet he does the school run for his kids, he goes to their celebration assembly’s, parents evening.

Has took his DC on abroad holidays and some of these are long haul. Her child only gets invited to UK breaks when they go.

Never spends any 1:1 time with their DC as he says it unfair to leave his other DC out but takes his other kids out 1:1 When their DC isn’t around! Posting about his daddy/daughter days on his social media or her DC gets told all about it when she’s over.

Never been to a docs, dentist app.

How it appears from the outside is that he really is a hands on capable dad to the children with his wife but can hardly lift a finger to send a text to their child.

What makes someone act like this?

Incase it’s relevant my friend and her ex were only together a very short amount of time when she got pregnant and they split up before their DC was even born.

My teenage grandson's dad is the same - is it just because he's moved on? Very sad.

It could be.
She kept asking me why Is he hands on with them but not hers. I couldn’t think of a good enough reason to be honest!

My ex partly did this to punish me to be honest. My kids = my problem. He is nicer to his young child with someone else has he is married to her and she would leave him if he wasn’t. If she did leave him he would be the same dad as he is to mine. My ex does all these things for his younger child as a woman is making him do it, and I am no longer able to nag/plan for him for our kids. There will be all the mental load on the woman I imagine, and the man just is present/turns up? Because my ex has to make his own plans with our DC he just can’t be bothered and he is too busy with new child/wife.

Because he doesn't want his wife to be upset, unhappy or angry with him. To some men, DC are an extension of their mother and their relationship with the child is a reflection of their relationship with the child's mother.

I don’t think it’s got anything to do with his wife. He was like this before he even met her and from what my friend says she is lovely and her DC has no complains about her.

This is exactly it, he’s doing it for her as he gets regular benefits (sex, food, laundry done etc).

If he wasn’t tied to her anymore he wouldn’t be doing it anymore either. When they no longer care about how you feel this means they don’t really think about the children as separate people with their own feelings.

From what you say, if your friend split with the father of her child while pregnant, they never really had a relationship, he never lived with the child, presumably only spent ‘visits’ with the child as a baby and there was never any question of 50/50 residency?

It doesn’t make it in any way ok that he’s a poor, unconcerned, half-assed father to the 14 year old, but it’s clearly an entirely different situation to living with your child since birth, and being involved in every aspect of their day to day lives.

He won't be a good father to her kids when they break up either.

That’s right, they never lived together, he’s never lived with the child and always had EOW visits.

My friend has admitted that she was very difficult in the early days (first few years) as she struggled to be away from the baby and was upset that he left her but as it was over 10 years ago now she doesn’t think it should effect their relationship anymore.

Loads of men do this it’s not just relevant to a short relationship it’s really common but it’s true over time the less they see their child I think the less they think about them.

Mine was living with his DC from birth till age 3/5 so it still doesn’t make sense otherwise why he treats them any differently to another child without factoring in that the woman/wife is the driving factor

Some men can just cut off from their kids. My friend's ex told her if they divorced (he wanted the divorce but used it as a threat!) he would no longer be the father to their two kids, he'd remarry and start again. Ultimately that's what he's done - gone to Australia, we think, and cut all contact, pays no child support.

Whether it's to punish the mother (as it partly is in her case) or they just don't care enough (also him) or they see the kids as an extension of the mother (him), its all the same. Why do they do it? A) because they're assholes and b) because they can.

@TheCosySeal well there is something in this that she may have sabotaged the child/father bond by her own hand by being difficult and awkward and heartbroken so it’s probably a combination of both. She sabotaged it and he didn’t fight for it and now it’s easier with someone else

Men’s relationships with their children is often linked to their relationship with the mother. It’s the ultimate performance parenting. They parent to keep the romantic relationship together.

When the relationship with the mother has broken down and they get a new relationship, the new woman’s expectations become their parenting style. They have no clue who they are as a parent without the influence of that woman.

I also believe this is the reason many men find it easy to walk away and not see their kids when a relationship ends. Or that many men’s interest in their kids goes up when they have a new girlfriend and down when they don’t. They start getting more involved because they know their new girlfriend won’t approve of a man not being interested in their child. So they get interested. If that relationship ends they stop.

I think PP nailed it in that some men see their children as an extension of their relationship with the child’s mother.

My ex is like this only he's much better too his oldest he even tried to cover up something awful the oldest did to one of our children so he wouldn't get into trouble. I think it's some weird way of him trying to fix his own past as his father dropped him in favour for his younger kids. He lives 3 hours from the oldest and drives down for every school thing, planned drs appointment and special day. Mine are lucky to get a phone call.
Have you looked into counselling for your DC? Also there is no reason for his behaviour. he's just a bit shit. Try to help her work on her emotional intelligence and boundary setting and obviously reassure her that's she's amazing and the issues are his not hers.

There's often a pretty obvious reason, but people don't want to hear it. That he didn't want the baby. Yes, it takes two to conceive...but only one gets to decide if this turns into a child to raise for 18yrs. If the father tells the mother, that he doesn't want to have the unplanned pregnancy, and she chooses to go ahead regardless, it's then a little odd to complain he's not raising the child, because she alone chose to keep it.

I think a lot of women think "I'll have the baby, he'll come round to the idea and love it" but this often doesn't work. Sometimes does. Often doesn't. It's just as simple as not wanting the child, but having no choice that the child was born.

I also have a friend like this. Very short relationship. Pregnancy unplanned. He left her because she decided to keep the child and he didn't want to keep the child. He told her didn't want to raise a child, and that she'd be doing that all on her own, and she, knowing that, decided she would go ahead. He never misses a child support payment. She complains continually that he's a deadbeat who doesn't care. We listen and support her, but there's this constant elephant in the room of, well you actively chose to keep a child with a father who didn't want the child - so you've got exactly what you knew to expect?

I think as they are no longer involved with the mother ,then they no longer have as much interest in the child.sad but true ,so many men are like this

It’s because he’s getting sex and practical benefits like cooked meals and laundry. If they split up then he’ll probably repeat the pattern with the next woman and be a good dad as long as the relationship goes well.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn Her DC father also stated he didn’t want her to keep the child but she went ahead and kept her. I never thought it would come into it but I completely see your point. Her ex also never misses a child support payment but does see the child EOW but never goes above and beyond that I suppose.

“There is no reciprocity. Men love women. Women love children. Children love hamsters. Hamsters don't love anyone; it is quite hopeless.”
― Alice Thomas Ellis

This quote rings true for me, not every single soul but many. I have a friend divorcing after many years of marriage. He has left her for a much younger much slimmer woman, in a heartbeat a 30 year marriage over. There is some research on how men can compartmentalise their lives in their heads. I think they can just do this. My friends husband certainly has. His children hate him now.

I do wonder how many men genuinely want children, I have a mate who had children to keep his wife. They are still together and he is a good Dad to their child but he always says he would have preferred not to have had their child at all. She wanted another, he was just glad she was getting close to 40 and they never managed another, she has no idea he is happy about this. When he got drunk at our house once he told us he was contemplating having a secret vasectomy, as he worked away it was possible. If he falls out of love with her I think he could walk away.

You answered the question yourself. They didn't live together (how old were they?) maybe he wouldn't have chosen to continue the pregnancy but you admit DF sabotaged any chance of a decent relationship in the formative years, now she wonder why?

As others have said, men bond with the child via the mother. If the bond with the mother is severed the bond with the child is too.

I think you are correct. I suppose she feels it was so long ago and that he should get over it but really she did irreparable damage to the relationship before it even began which didn’t help as he never wanted the child in the first place.

Thanks everyone.

It's the age old question. DHs dad left his family when DH was 14 for a woman who had the same number of children, who were the same ages as DH and his siblings.

He had more children with the OW and has been a very good dad and granddad to his new family. They all adore him.

He has basically no relationship with DH and his siblings at all. Any efforts to maintain a relationship have come from DH. The most recent insult was a text DH received asking for his siblings phone number so he could text them on their birthday, when it was no where near their birthday.
It's his loss. They don't really care anymore.
DH thinks it's because he was so guilty about leaving them that it was easier for him to just pretend they didn't exist. The marriage was very unhappy too so it was probably a reminder of that, plus hrs a very selfish man. DH remembers many incidents where this was proved when he was a child.
It's very sad and damaging for kids to be treated like this.

It's quite a common pattern - I've seen it loads. My own dad did it, my son's father did it, his father did it, his stepfather did it (Stepfather couldn't understand why his daughter from his first marriage objected to him introducing his new wife and daughter as "This is my new family")

I think it's a combination of out of sight out of mind for the other kids, compartmentalised thinking (these are my kids I live with) and also, in the patterns I've noticed, the second (+) wife is happier to be in a directive sort of role and tell him what to do whereas the mother(s) of the earlier kids don't expect to tell him what to do, they expect him to do it off his own back and then get fed up when he doesn't which is what leads to the divorce.

A lot of men of our generation and especially the generation before us are also fairly closed off emotionally, so I think they often default to avoidance for things which are hard to deal with emotionally. Which includes reduced contact with the child(ren) from the first marriage and/or the idea of that "failed" relationship/family, because both of those things are painful. IMO this is a selfish mindset because they are putting their own discomfort in front of the feelings of the children. I do think because they are emotionally avoidant, they're unaware that their children feel abandoned/replaced, rather than knowing but not caring.

The last observation is that I think men (not all men, but a lot of them and certainly men in this pattern seem to fit this observation) don't seek validation from relationships in the way that women are more likely to do. So they take children's reactions at face value, my ex's stepdad didn't hear his eldest daughter's reaction as "you have hurt me" he took it as "I don't want you any more" and he thought "OK" or possibly even "How ungrateful!". When I hit my late teens, my dad thought that I was old enough to arrange visits by myself, he didn't recognise "Oh Bertie is still quite young and has a lot going on with college, friends, part time job etc - I should invite her so she feels welcome" - he just saw it as "I guess Bertie isn't interested in visiting at the moment". Whereas if I was in either of those situations I think I'd try and see my child's perspective and see what I could do to improve the relationship.