Why is a man a good dad to one kid but not the other?

[TheCosySeal]

I had a friend over last night for a catch up. She’s a single mum to a 14 year old. She was really upset and venting about how her child gets treated compared to the kids her ex went on to have with his now wife.

She couldn’t understand how he can be what appears a great dad to his youngest two children but pretty mediocre to their child.

A few examples are he’s never shown any interest in their DC school life, never took their DC to school, picked up, been to assembly, parents evening, he leaves it all to her saying he’s working so can’t. Yet he does the school run for his kids, he goes to their celebration assembly’s, parents evening.

Has took his DC on abroad holidays and some of these are long haul. Her child only gets invited to UK breaks when they go.

Never spends any 1:1 time with their DC as he says it unfair to leave his other DC out but takes his other kids out 1:1 When their DC isn’t around! Posting about his daddy/daughter days on his social media or her DC gets told all about it when she’s over.

Never been to a docs, dentist app.

How it appears from the outside is that he really is a hands on capable dad to the children with his wife but can hardly lift a finger to send a text to their child.

What makes someone act like this?

Incase it’s relevant my friend and her ex were only together a very short amount of time when she got pregnant and they split up before their DC was even born.

his other children are 11 & 9

I suppose that’s the point. He is a good dad to some of his kids, just not to my friends DC.

The law recognises that parents are responsible for their children through the obligation to pay child maintenance. It can't force people to parent, no, but it recognises the parental obligation by imposing financial responsibility.

My DS's Dad was a shit dad to him, but jumped through hoops for the children he had after him. I think I agree with a pp who said it could be linked to trying to keep in with the mother of the second and third children.

Still pretty sad and now DS has a limited relationship with his Dad (and those siblings)

Paying for a child and raising a child are two completely different things.

Sending a few quid every week isn’t parenting

Yes? And?

Financials have been briefly addressed right at the beginning of the thread. This isn't about finances.

If a child is wanted before conception and the father stays in love with the mother he's likely to love the child. If he didn't want the child or starts to dislike the mother his love for the child may wain.

... And you can't blame a woman for refusing to have an abortion. She is not thereby responsible for a man being a shit father and the man absolved of responsibility. The law is clear that both bear responsibility.

Well unless he is on the BC he actually doesn’t have any legally responsibility. Even if he is can’t force someone to parent.

Being on the birth certificate is not a requirement to be liable for maintenance. The law's position is that all fathers should contribute to their children's upbringing. You're right that you can't force someone to parent, but it is recognised that all parents have responsibility.

I thought you was talking about being involved. As no if he isn’t on the bc he has no parental responsibility towards the child or having to raise them but yes payments are different but not what this thread is about

It’s really really simple.

some men will only invest in the children they have with the women they’re attracted too and still having sex with.

The second you are an ex the man will see you and the kid as a package deal and the kid is dropped down the list just like you are.

I don’t buy the ‘guilt’ because if you felt guilty for leaving one child and going on to have more kids you’d not continue to be mediocre you’d step up and try harder for all the kids equally.

usually those blokes are mediocre dads before any new children are born.

I actually think it’s more like ‘peacocking’ behaviour and trying to prove to the new partner he won’t abandon their children like he did his first child and her children are the ones he wants to be around hence them getting preferential treatment and being spoiled compared to the kids from a previous relationship who get crumbs.

Do men ‘peacock’ for over 10 years though?

Definitely this. My exH was a great Dad. People even remarked on how hands on he was (irritating when he was “only” doing as much as I was but that’s a different moan) and now he’s a doting Dad to a different family while doing the bare minimum with / for his own.

Those children (older than mine) aren’t his so it’s not about a better bond with them. It’s absolutely about keeping his new partner happy (and ensuring his position too I suppose). He seems to see our DC as my responsibility now.

Some men are strange creatures, I have two friends both have two children each with their partners, both of their partners are all over the first child and not the second.
I think men can be weird, but definitely if they have a second family seem to move on.

Perhaps he didn't properly bond with the first child

That's so sad for your friends DD and he's really mean to rub it in her face by telling her about what he does with his younger DD. He's not a nice man.

He was never a family unit with your friend and DC - and, whilst he had no choice (once your friend was pregnant) as to whether to become a father, it sounds like he made it clear that he wasn't keen to be a Dad to the child.

He's chosen his wife to marry and create a family and raise children with her. So it's unsurprising that his relationships with his DC differ. It's sounds more like he's taken an uncle-type role and not an active parenting one.

To a large extent, your friend chose to risk that for her DC by continuing the pregnancy - which is entirely her right to do (and so also her responsibility). I would imagine a lot of people in her shoes don't properly think through the future consequences for their child when they're dealing with a surprise pregnancy, preferring to hope for the best.

He and his wife make joint decisions for their children and when they disagree, they can work through the options. It doesn't sound like your friend was a particularly willing co-parent and he may well have decided not to engage too much on the practical stuff so he doesn't have to argue with her. How would your friend actually like it if he had a strong view on her schooling or healthcare that she disagreed with? Involvement can work both ways.

I don’t think he rubs her face in it.
my friend looks at his & his wife’s social media, his kids that he has with his wife speaks about events/days and what they have done etc.

Your friend chose not to let him get him involved in the early days and admts,she was obstructive
She can't have it both ways she didn't allow him to develop a proper relationship with his daughter I the early days she can't now complain he has a better relationship with the kids he wad allowed to bring up

In this specific case, because of your friend's behaviour it's not really possible to tell. Based on what you've said, her actions for years did a lot to prevent a close relationship and bond from forming. She, the person who did wrong, can't simply decide that shouldn't matter now she doesn't want it to. You don't get those years back.

That said, there are plenty of men who won't parent unless they're in a sexual relationship with the DCs mother, and he could easily have been one of them even if your friend had behaved better.

If his first kid was important to him he wouldn't have left would he.

Second family is the "better" one, as in the one he has chosen to stay with.

Better one gets treated better.

So he should stay in a relationship he's not happy in?
Are you just ignoring the fact the mother obstructed his relationship with the child ?

They were hardly in a relationship truthfully. There wasn’t really anything to ‘leave’ and no one would of ever classed them as a family.

Thanks everyone. I think everyone has summed it up perfectly to be honest.

Not sure I will be telling her though that she’s to blame, il just continue to support her if needed.