Why is a man a good dad to one kid but not the other?

[TheCosySeal]

I had a friend over last night for a catch up. She’s a single mum to a 14 year old. She was really upset and venting about how her child gets treated compared to the kids her ex went on to have with his now wife.

She couldn’t understand how he can be what appears a great dad to his youngest two children but pretty mediocre to their child.

A few examples are he’s never shown any interest in their DC school life, never took their DC to school, picked up, been to assembly, parents evening, he leaves it all to her saying he’s working so can’t. Yet he does the school run for his kids, he goes to their celebration assembly’s, parents evening.

Has took his DC on abroad holidays and some of these are long haul. Her child only gets invited to UK breaks when they go.

Never spends any 1:1 time with their DC as he says it unfair to leave his other DC out but takes his other kids out 1:1 When their DC isn’t around! Posting about his daddy/daughter days on his social media or her DC gets told all about it when she’s over.

Never been to a docs, dentist app.

How it appears from the outside is that he really is a hands on capable dad to the children with his wife but can hardly lift a finger to send a text to their child.

What makes someone act like this?

Incase it’s relevant my friend and her ex were only together a very short amount of time when she got pregnant and they split up before their DC was even born.

My father did this to my elder half-brother. Moved on with his new nuclear family, didn't give a stuff about his firstborn child and in the end gave up bothering with him altogether.

Although my younger brother and I reconnected with our half-brother as adults, our father's behaviour cost all three of us the relationship we should have had.

We've never forgiven him.

My ex h never gave a crap about our kids. He told dd aged 5 that he loved a mummy who wasn't me. Only spoke to them to offload his own problems.

Now however, he's super-dad to his partners's children and best grand dad to her grandson. Despite the fact my now adult kids have an incredible and supportive stepdad, the photos in step dad's office are of his own children not mine. At least they come first for me.

Yeh, it’s different for everyone.

I have a half brother who I have nothing to do with and neither does my full sibling.

I really don’t care about him at all and would stand by my dad 100% of the time.

It will be a great big mix of the following, really:

• He (by admission) didn't want your friends DC
• He didn't have proper bonding time with the DC when they were young (because your friend found it difficult. However, I except even if she'd been super enthusiastic about encouraging him to bond with her DC, he'd still have been distant. Just that her "interrupting" it so to speak made it worse/easier for him to disconnect emotionally)
• Men can compartmentalise etc etc

As to why he treats the new DC better, it may be because he's trying to keep the new wife happy. Or because he "wanted" their DC (sometimes people do change their mind about having DC when they're older.) Or a mix of both really

I don't say this to excuse the father and say "Well he can't be blamed really because he didn't want the DC". It's absolutely shitty behaviour on his part. But his is most likely the reality of why he's like this (doesn't make it okay though). Not sure if any of that helps your friend, tbh if I was your friend I'd probably feel better if you just told me, "He's a twat, here let's have a glass of wine and watch Eastenders together" than trying to explain the above reasons...

Logical when you consider that men usually live with their wife's children, whether those are their children or not.
They are more expected than women are to be live-in parent substitute to their step-children.

I don't think it's particularly helpful to compare one relationship with another. His new kids are younger, and he's been a hands on parent since they were born, and probably sees his role as part and parcel of family life.
I'd counsel your friend not to fixate on comparisons with the other kids but to accept the relationship for what it is - he's never had a full parental rule, it's a weaker relationship, more like an uncle than a parent, but still better than nothing. And if her DC is unhappy about aspects of it, help them to speak direct to their dad about this.

Some men are only interested in the children of the woman he’s currently interested in. Should the shit move on again, his interest will travel on with him ☹️.

A lot of men, when they move on from a woman, they move on from the children they have with her - just draw a line, put it behind them, and start again. This is especially true if they were young when they had their first family.

I have a friend who was a "first family child". Her father remarried and had a second family when my friend was a young adult. He couldn't make time to see her for a few hours on a visit to her home town because he "needed to spend time" with her half brother...who he lived with.

The woman needs to own her decision and be accountable for actively choosing to have a child that she knew would have no/very limited contact with the father.

Women are not "accountable" for the failings of men.

If a man decides to have sex with a woman, he knows a baby could result.

He can "actively choose" to be an involved father to any such baby, or not.

Either way, whether a child has an involved father or not is up to the father himself. It's his responsibility and his choice.

The last part is very relevant he never had a bond with your friend when she had the child, likely he didn't want the child. His wife he has a bond with and had children willing

Since when is it a failing not to want to raise a child? Do you think if a child is conceived and only the mother wants to keep it, you be forced to raise it against your wishes?

Whether a child has an involved father at any point is absolutely down to the father's choice. That's not the issue. The issue is the mother complaining that someone who told her categorically that they would not be in the child's life if she chose to have it, is staying true to their word, and it turns out, life isn't great for her/the child as a result. She's not a victim in the slightest. She decided all of this. But only wants to blame the father for her life choices.

To know your child will only have one (living) parent present, and still decide to have the child, you need to be fully accountable to that child. "Yes, you don't have a present Father, it was always going to be the case and I knew this, but I wanted to have you.". And that's a pretty shit thing for a lot of children, not all, but a lot. But the mother doesn't want to take accountability for the fact she created this situation for both her and the child. She chose to proceed with a pregnancy with someone who didn't want a child. Which again, it's not a failing to not want a child, and conception by absolutely no means, means a child must be born.

Absolutely women have the choice. Absolutely this is right. But you also have to own that choice, and not blame others for the choice only you were responsible for.

There’s been threads on this before and yes the general consensus is that men should stick around a raise a child they didn’t want/ plan.

Each case is different.
My friend did everything in her power to facilitate her kids seeing their dad once the marriage broke down. He has still become very unreliable and its a shame for the kids. My friend never bad mouths their father, she has conducted herself perfectly and can never be accused of being an obstruction or a reason his kids eventually wont want to see him. That's all on him. She is a fabulous mother.

We have another friend who has made the kids' fathers life hell, and in turn, the kids are missing out on seeing their father, its a disgrace. She has been so awkward and has let her emotions take over from making objectives decisions for their children. She is weaponising them and she is failing those kids. She then tries to complain he doesn't do enough - its crazy. He tried/tries to be involved, he had to take her to court etc etc - just madness.

In your friends case, if the father has been pushed away and refused access early on, this does have a massive effect on the relationship between the father and child.
He is bound to have a closer bond with the kids he wanted who he lives with.
This doesn't excuse him, if he is failing his first child. Not every case is exactly the same.

When the resident parent is difficult, it makes things so hard going for for NRP. It’s not about ‘not effecting their relationship anymore’ but recognising that damage was done all those years ago which has a significant impact.

Also keep in mind that people mature in parent very differently at 25 vs 35, what’s the age gap between the children?

Wow.

I completely get it when the child was planned and the woman made a life choice based on thinking both parents would always be present, then has no real option to do anything about it once the child is born. That's a shitty man right there.

I don't get the entitlement that someone should raise a child that was actively born against their wishes, and this was made clear from conception or even before. Why on earth should they just because another person independently decided the child would be born?

It's crap for the child in most cases. The child is only there in this crap situation because one parent chose to have them knowing this would be the situation.

There's plenty of parents out there who really do disrupt the relationship with the non resident parent in the early years, related to their own emotions or for other reasons. It's hardly surprising that this then affects the relationship between the non resident parent and the child going forwards. It's only more recently that 50/50 is more default in terms of child arrangements - used to be a lot harder for dads to get more that EOW plus a night in the week if they were lucky. When dads do want 50/50 the response on here is that he's absolutely just dodging paying CM - but when they settle on EOW they are deadbeat dads who aren't interested in the daily grind. Also - people do change and mature, 14 years is a long time.

Because abortion is not just another form of birth control and infanticide is against the law?

I wish I knew. My dd is the youngest of 4 and this was what drove her father and I apart. When i was 5 months pg he got a tattoo with the other 3's names. Nearly 14 years later hes still claims to be trying to incorporate her name into it. Its so blantant she has refused to see him for years and feels completely like she isnt good enough. It's disgusting and my heart breaks for all the kids who go thru this.

What an utterly ridiculous response to absolve someone from any responsibility of their own choices.

No it's not "birth control" how stupid to suggest. It's a real considered option and one that is taken by millions of women.

And to even state something as insane as infanticide.

Ridiculous. Beyond ridiculous.

Because he's an immature prat unable to separate the child from his relationship with his ex. He's not a good dad, and 14, the child knows it

Men don't get an "out" from fatherhood just because abortion is available as an option to women. There may be many reasons, religious, emotional, medical, why women either don't want or don't see it as an option to have an abortion. That's not to criticise any woman who has an abortion - but expecting someone to have one just because you'd prefer not to have a child is not a reasonable stance

It is incredibly lazy to point to abortion and say "see, see, she should have had an abortion because he didn't want to be a father. It's her fault he's a shit dad, he never wanted the child". That ship sailed when conception occured.

Women are not to blame for some men being shit dads. Whatever the circumstances.

And of course, when the baby is here, neither parent can send them back or decide that parenthood isn't for them.

Um, I'm not sure if you're confused, but yes, any parent gets an "out" from parenthood.

The mother gets the added choice of taking the "out" by preventing the child from existing.

The father doesn't, but his equal right to "out" can start from the day of conception. This doesn't change because the mother decides she'll have a child regardless.

On what planet are you to think someone has to raise a child they don't want??

I think if you love the mum, you love the kids more.
Also when you’re in a loving, happy relationship it’s easier.
Not that it’s right, it’s not the child’s fault.

He never loved her? He loves his wife so wants to make her happy?

Your last paragraph isn’t true… both parents can back out and decide parenthood isn’t for them. That’s why we have adoption.