Are my DC hyper or AIBU as my expectations are warped ?

[coveruplep]

My DC always around and jump off furniture after dinner. Like a circuit. Yes I tell to stop but they start again or go in another room and do it. They are very wired in the evenings. We have a healthy diet mostly home cooked, protein, carbs and vegetables and have exercise, fresh air & down time each day including screen time, but not excessive or super restricted.

The running about is straight after main course, they cannot seem to stay sitting and get down after a few minutes. It’s not a sugar thing like after giving a sweet pudding, although I appreciate all carbs are sugar. It’s daily.

Ages nearly 7 & 4, been trying to sit at table as family for dinner forever. Now I don’t know AIBU the expectation they should be able to sit still for 10 minute dinner or did I start the expectation when too young and now there’s a habit of getting up and not staying seated ? How long should they be able to sit at their ages?

Seems the few people I’ve asked about a comparison on this do not do family sit down at the table dinners. Told that the kids eat in front of Tv or on children’s table or sofa so it’s not so formal or more come to table to collect food, but not sit at it. Have one friend we’ve eaten at table when on a play date, but kids get down quickly too, but not hyper like mine.

I find some like this impossible to know what is “normal” expectations as I grew up in vvvv strict family so you behaved or got beaten, so I find it hard to know what expectation is realistic with my children. No other little children in family.

DH says I’m not strict enough and let them get down from table without asking. Obviously I am maybe too lenient as I try to break the circle. Tonight DH was out and behavior was even looser, but DC seemed more relaxed but it’s the weekend. Is it possibly ADHD instead ? How can you stop it anyway without consequences?

I think it’s totally normal. My dc get a rush of energy after eating and don’t want to stay at the table after they’ve finished.

Also I can remember doing laps of the dinner table with my sister after dinner as kids from that rush of energy from the food 😂

I’ve since read that there’s a biological reason why kids do this. We humans need to ‘shuttle’ the glucose we get from eating into our muscles to prevent insulin resistance. So it’s actually good to move about when we’ve eaten.

Mine don’t even sit still to watch tv. Watching them now doing headstands and rolling around the floor whilst ‘watching’ tv.

As for the posts essentially saying ‘just tell them to’, I’m sure most of us have tried that, and that doesn’t work for all children. If ours get down from the table mid meal of course we tell them off and they do comeback and sit down, but they forget and often get down mid telling of a story to act it out etc. We used to do time outs etc but that really doesn’t achieve anything or stop them doing it again. They aren’t seeking to be naughty, they really just can’t sit still. We now know that this is just our children, they try their best to sit through the meals and normally do, but even when in their chair they’re moving non stop, falling off their chairs etc. I also have a toddler who does sit through meals, so I don’t think it’s just our parenting. I like the idea of fidget cushions, might look at getting those.

Thinking about it ....other than restaurant meals and special occasions like Christmas - do other people's meal times really go on for longer than 10 minutes?
It doesn't take very long to eat. Once I have eaten I wouldn't want to sit there doing.....what? What do you do once eaten?

@coveruplep interesting that he poll says ‘this sounds pretty normal’

vs the militants on the thread saying you need to discipline more.

i think was you are describing is pretty normal. Eating in 10 mins then getting down when finished is normal especially at home.

sometimes for our younger one (now 6) we have what’s know as a ‘running dinner’ where after 5 or 10 mins at the table he gets down and runs around and comes by for another mouthful from time to time.

we also sometimes do screens at the table or dinner in-front of the TV midweek when we’re all tired.

i know mumsnet thinks this is the path to hell but i can confirm it is not!

we eat out pretty often. We go to kid friendly places that serve what they like and get the food out fast. Like Wagamama

we take games like top trumps or colouring for the youngest the older one (10) now brings a book and reads.

if the food is slow or they’re tired we let them watch on a phone.

when relatives come around it’s generally fine - it’s so exciting that they happily sit at the table and go with the group dynamics. If we’re out at a restaurant we le only go somewhere family friendly and take it in turns to take them for a spin to the playground if they need it.

they learn naturally as they get older as long as you are creating those opportunities to see what a normal group meal looks like.

if it’s an important family event I PLAN in advance - research the menu, take alternatives, take activities, give them a pep talk that now is the time to be on best behaviour

Mine aren't allowed run and jump on furniture they never have been so don't. Meals last approx 20min as it is an important conversation time in our house and all 6 of us engage in it. Just the way it has always been in terms of expectation.

I have a 1 and 5 year old, they both sit at the table for dinner. Both have to ask to get down (one year old points). But after dinner they are a bit more mad. So we allow playfighting, a monster game where I chase them for kisses, hopping/jumping/moving body games, dancing with music and disco ball. They usually get hyper just before bed.

With dinner I have had to reintroduce dinner time (short story is me and their dad split so we lost the dining room as it became his bedroom) so have 3 weeks putting these routines in place. They have learnt quickly, but the first few dinners were hell haha! I didn't get to eat much, definitely not hot food! But now dinner time is a breeze! I would definitely say to persevere, make it your priority to reinforce and not give in. Good luck!

My kids often get quite hyper after dinner. They kinda sit and behave now but they are 7 and 8 and it can still take a bit of nagging, especially the younger one.

Yes, mealtimes are not just about eating they are a social occasion . So we talk about the day , a big conversation at dinner with the dc was always what they had had for school lunch and if it was any good ! What they think of dinner, what was happening the next day , who needed what kit etc sometimes the older ones would help the younger ones with advice good or otherwise about schoolwork, sport , issues with teachers /friends etc . General chit chat really and then as they got older we talked about things in the news , politics , and we often played ‘whose birthday ‘ which meant that someone looked up famous peoples’ birthdays of the day and then using yes/no answers the rest have to guess who it is . Sometimes arguments would break out , squabbles etc I definitely found this easier to cope with at the table as I am from a large noisy family whereas dh is not. But heated discussion at the table is normal in my world. Last night there were only three of us but we still spent 30minutes talking about our weekends and Trump and whether the grandparents will cope with their new Alexa !

Also obviously time for teaching manners, setting expectations . It’s hardest with teenagers I found as sometimes they just want to provoke you into an argument about how to eat peas or use your knife or provoke their siblings , one is very good at lighting the match and watching the other two combust but we still persisted and I think it’s worth it.

My 7 & 4 year olds will sit at the table and eat a meal. If extended family are here they get a bit more excitable and there’s some messing about.

Send them into the garden for 10 minutes before dinner.

Then set a timer for them to sit at table for specified time. Tell them after the time has finished they can go back into the garden.

The 7yo can definitely sit for dinner though as they do it at school and the 4yo probably can but they are more hit and Miss at that age.

I think clear boundaries are needed, and it's possible to do this without being authoritarian. But you do need to be authoritative.

If they don't need to ask permission to get down from the table, they'll be in the habit of leaning as soon as less than very interested, then it's a challenge for their behaviour to be directed to something less disruptive because your still trying to eat etc.

At that age you're still teaching good table manners, so seeing expectations, modelling dinner behaviour, conversation etc. I think your DH is right.

My kids had to ask to leave the table (when they get older that habit becomes excusing themselves from the table at a socially acceptable point). If they went to leave the table without asking (which was rare for us because it was the habit from day one, but you would need to build to that as the habit on your house is very different) I would stop that happening by reminding them they hadn't asked and asking them to come back.

This is obviously much easier if you start off that way, but if they refuse then you insist.
If they still refuse you explain it's not optional and what you will do if they don't respect that (suitable punishment which is proportionate and age appropriate).

Once this is habit your unwanted behaviour can go away and they can learn to be at the table properly. I think this is just lenience giving them idle time which they are then spending how they wish which is not what you want. I think you need to impose sensible house rules before concluding your kids have a condition. Their behaviour is normal for young kids (boisterous) but the opportunity is one you're giving them (no good table manners boundaries).

Sure some kids would leave and flop in front of the telly instead, so not asking to leave the table doesn't automatically mean your kids are running over the furniture, but they can't do that if they're sat at the table properly.

In your situation I would introduce the rule change so you aren't just moving the goal posts unexpectedly. Tell them what's going to happen from now on. Then do it and stick to it.

Sorry for the auto correct errors, but you get the gist.

vs the militants on the thread saying you need to discipline more.

There's nothing militant about expecting your children to sit at the table for meals without repeatedly getting up to bounce all over by furniture.

They wouldn't be able to behave like that at school or nursery so it's hardly an extreme expectation

@cyclamenqueen that's interesting. I come from a family that never really ate every meal sat at the table and now I don't even have a dining table.

Some children might not do things you'd rather they didn't without simple family habits around dinner time, but some children need them.

So for those children that need them, everyone is happier with clear rules, which become nice habits and don't lead to parental frustration and stress.

It is probably a really fun time they look forward to connecting and playing together as well as having energy to use up
I would try to redirect into occupational therapy style exercisss jumping along the hall get them a tunnel or if you have space a mini indoor trampoline etc

My 4 year old sits at the table and gets down when we say (when everyone has finished tbh it's usually her that is last!!) I would say we sit for 30 mins sometimes upto 45 if we're all chatting having pudding etc. she also sits well at a restaurant for upto 1.5/2 hours, but I think not all kids her age would be happy with this. We would talk at the table and she would colour. Phone would be a last resort. All of mine have sat at the table since being in a high chair and all managed to sit like this. I also highly suspect one has adhd. So I wouldn't say adhd just because they cannot sit.

I also work in a preschool and our 2-4 year olds generally sit for 30 minutes at lunchtime. Some finish earlier but are happy to sit and wait 5/10 mins. We have a couple of autistic children that struggle to sit past eating but that is also apparent in attention elsewhere. Funnily enough the child we suspect has adhd and cannot focus on any activities can actually sit for lunch!

In regards to going hyper after eating I found when younger my older ones would be like this, not jumping on sofas as I wouldn't let them but often they would go for a bounce on the trampoline to burn it all off before bed! Otherwise they would drive me mad inside. I highly recommend a trampoline if you don't have one and if it would fit in the garden as they all still use it as Pre/teenagers!

DS can get fidgety if dinner takes a long time and we do need to make a conscious effort to engage him in conversation, he particularly likes it if I have a joke or fact for him. He doesn't get down without asking and he clears his plate. We eat at the table every day. If he ever dives on the sofa he's told off, if he does it again there's an immediate consequence he very rarely does it now. He's a very high energy child, active all the time, talks from the moment he opens his eyes until the moment he falls asleep. He needs a lot of physical exercise, walk or scoot to and from school, gymnastics, athletics, tennis and swimming are the current after school activities, the one weekday he doesn't have a sport after school he had PE. Weekends always have activity, long walk on the beach looking for shells, crabs etc even in winter, cycle, park, if the weather is real really horrendous even soft play.
We were out every day during half term. My mum commented over day last week that we'd walked more than 10,000 (adult) steps and he was still going without issue.
I really think young children are like puppies they need exercising.
He also sleeps and eats well. I think all 3 are connected.

The only thing that stops this is getting out. I always find an errand to do (mostly picking up vinted parcels!) which involves a long walk. Then I let her put the code in the locker & buy her a 30p lolly. If we do 7000 steps after school, she’s much better (& sleeps better) . Otherwise, I feel like I’m at jungle Jim’s!

They just don’t do enough these days to wear themselves out!

I think this is normal isn't it? Kids eat and then have an energy burst, let them muck about for a bit and then starting moving them towards bed.

I think this is when clubs like cubs and swimming are useful as they give energetic kids a chance to expend more energy!

This time of year is rubbish for children, it's dark and wet but in a few weeks the evenings will start getting lighter so you can get out with them more.

They do not want to go in the garden. I would have to shut them out there, they would press their little faces to the kitchen door windows and wait to be let back in. It is wet, muddy my garden is about 25 foot and narrow, North facing. IT IS WINTER. And no I’m not going out there to entertain them, I have no issue with the outdoors but it will not be fun.

This could be part of the problem. Kids need to move and they've not grown up playing outside and being outside as you think "it's not fun".

If you owned a dog you wouldnt keep them in all winter as you'd know they need to move.

Much about parenting isn't "fun". Your kids either need to be encouraged to play outside... or they will play inside. It is not natural to be cooped up inside all day.

They need to climb, bounce, swing, move and their bodies are showing you that by the way they are playing!!

So yes either exercise them and encourage outdoor play , get somenplaythings for the garden. Mud kitchen/ water play/ stuff to make an obstacle course with and teach them to play (which yes will involve you being with them) or accept they will clamber indoors.

This can't really be a new concept to you now? Have they been in fulltime childcare for most of the time?

Try eating earlier.

Mine loved 'playing' just dance on the big TV on YouTube but it was just screen records of someone else!! Fooled them for ages as they think they're doing it

Our rule is that you stay at the table until everyone has finished eating then you can get down. So sometimes DH and I stay chatting for a bit but they are off as soon as the last fork hits the plate!!

@AmazingLemonDrizzle how would you give that patronising advice to some who lives in a flat and has no outdoor place to play?

I think what you need to asl yourself is if the expectations of your parents and other adults were removed, would you personally be OK with your kids jumping about a bit after dinner?

I had a similar upbringing to yours and also struggled with knowing where to draw the line with this stuff. At that age I used to joke that my kids didn't know the sofa had a front entrance (because they would run in the door and jump onto it from the side). We only sat down for dinner at Christmas and birthdays and age 7 we could get maybe 20 minutes before they got fed up, and we would gratefully let them go and eat the rest of our dinners in peace. Now they are 11 and they can sit fine in restaurants etc. I think most of this stuff comes eventually as long as you tell them off for behaviour that is really disturbing other people (running about in restaurants etc). How early you get them to comply depends on how much effort you're willing to make in being consistent with praise for sitting nicely, keeping them chatting over dinner etc.