Are my DC hyper or AIBU as my expectations are warped ?

[coveruplep]

My DC always around and jump off furniture after dinner. Like a circuit. Yes I tell to stop but they start again or go in another room and do it. They are very wired in the evenings. We have a healthy diet mostly home cooked, protein, carbs and vegetables and have exercise, fresh air & down time each day including screen time, but not excessive or super restricted.

The running about is straight after main course, they cannot seem to stay sitting and get down after a few minutes. It’s not a sugar thing like after giving a sweet pudding, although I appreciate all carbs are sugar. It’s daily.

Ages nearly 7 & 4, been trying to sit at table as family for dinner forever. Now I don’t know AIBU the expectation they should be able to sit still for 10 minute dinner or did I start the expectation when too young and now there’s a habit of getting up and not staying seated ? How long should they be able to sit at their ages?

Seems the few people I’ve asked about a comparison on this do not do family sit down at the table dinners. Told that the kids eat in front of Tv or on children’s table or sofa so it’s not so formal or more come to table to collect food, but not sit at it. Have one friend we’ve eaten at table when on a play date, but kids get down quickly too, but not hyper like mine.

I find some like this impossible to know what is “normal” expectations as I grew up in vvvv strict family so you behaved or got beaten, so I find it hard to know what expectation is realistic with my children. No other little children in family.

DH says I’m not strict enough and let them get down from table without asking. Obviously I am maybe too lenient as I try to break the circle. Tonight DH was out and behavior was even looser, but DC seemed more relaxed but it’s the weekend. Is it possibly ADHD instead ? How can you stop it anyway without consequences?

Oh fab cross posts with people saying similar things!

I'd say they are over tired and get silly. Dinner at 6.30-7 for a 4 yo is very late, even for the 7 yo. Mine were in bed at that time. They had their dinner at 5, DH ate after they had gone to bed.

But equally you need to be much firmer. Never allow jumping on the furniture. That is a definite no!
Ask permission to get down from the table. If they do get down, that's the end of the meal. If they get down they have to go and do something quiet - read, puzzle etc. Not screens. If they are being silly, the need to come back to the table where you can see them.
I think you are over-compensating for your up bringing. Kids need (and actually want) boundaries.

What are the consequences of them leaving the table after you told them not to?

Mine (youngest are 4 & 6) always sit for every meal, and ask if they may be excused at the end…if I say no they wait and if I say yes they go and play. Maybe have colouring book available as your younger one is still quite young?
Do you give lots of snacks/late snacks? Are they actually hungry for the meal?

6.30 is very late, what do they do between school and home? That should be the time to race round the park/play football/burn energy.
6.30 should be wind down time. Dinner at the table, they put their plates in the sink and you take them upstairs to do bath and books etc
I think due to your upbringing you’re too lenient. At no age should they be jumping on the sofa and maybe they know they can do it because you don’t disclipline them.
Ime thinking ‘adhd’ is an excuse for children to be undisciplined horrors. If there’s issues at school in the future then of course look into it but that shouldn’t be your go to thought.

Thanks @coveruplep .

I think your parents are wrong about the sugar - apparently there's very little reason to believe it affects children's behaviour.

Agree with some other posters that an earlier meal might help, but I also think your boys sound fine. They won't be doing this in ten years time.

Mine are 10 and 7. Both boys and 7yo has adhd. They can sit at the table but get very distracted and fidgety. 10yo less so. It's a challenge to get 7yo to stay sat down tbh.

The whole time period between 3.30 and 6.30 is a bit of a witching "hour" anyway and I hate that time of day. They're letting off steam after a day at school but it's better in the summer when they can play outside.

I do feel your pain. Mine also jump on sofas / beds or try and play football with soft toys in the kitchen. Drives me mad.

I grew up in a v strict household when it came to dinners around the table. We were expected to wait until my father was served before eating, he sat at the head of the table, if we got down from the table at any time without permission we would be smacked, we could only speak when spoken to and had to clear our plates without comment.

In comparison my DC are feral. I've tried to instil sitting at the table, cutlery use, manners but they are so active. Neither DC can physically sit still on a chair, they tend to prefer standing to eat. They get down and run around, weve tried telling them off repeatedly, we've tried positive reinforcement (reward for staying at the table). They will never finish a meal and under eat, losing weight as a result. To get them to finish a decent part of a meal we often have to spoon feed them at 6+.

They both have now been diagnosed withal ADHD. We've learnt to build in movement breaks into meals. We might get them to put on a mid dinner show to music for example. This helps a bit but they still struggle to sit. At school they are the same but not as noticeable as their lunchtime is 15 mins and they are encouraged to get out of the hall as quickly as possible to let the next year group in.

We avoid going out with them too much and when we do we say to the waiting staff we will tip higher if they can speed up the process. Typically, one of us has to leave with both DC before the end of the meal leaving the other one to pay and skip dessert because they start getting too active for a restaurant setting despite taking 2 thousand colouring books and trying to engage them in conversation and games (eye spy etc) they aren't allowed tablets etc.

Mine, including DS with ADHD, sat at table for every single meal.

I agree with PP that they are eating very late.

The jumping around on furniture sounds like a habit that you need to change.

Mine could sit and eat for a while. After dinner could be chaotic and they often had a lot of energy. One used to go crazy dancing on the table. They both used to leap around on the bed and play wrestle. Jump off the windowsill onto the bed. Hurtle through the house on a scooter or wheely bug. I wouldn't let them do anything where something could get broken, but otherwise wasn't too bothered. To be honest, thinking about this makes me feel nostalgic, because they are a lot older now and that kind of crazy fun has gone.

I have a very similar problem with my DS 6. He just cannot sit still, we are strict, in that if he jumps up to leave mid meal, I say ah ok so you're done with your food, when i say this, he darts back. But he really cannot sit still even with his bum on the chair, he's wriggling and squirming all over the place. He sits at the table at school, but in that wriggly, kind of way in that he's trying really hard to control himself.

I also have an 11 DD who has never been like this. Able to sit down and eat no problem, at a young age could take her to a restaurant. My DS, it's really not worth our while going to a restaurant with him as far too stressful.

I am hoping he grows out of it, but he has a few red flags for ACD/ ADHD. No diagnosis though, but I think some kids with high energy levels struggle more than others regardless if there is any other cause. For us we have tried many things and it's still a struggle!

Have a think about whether the table is comfortable for children too. Furniture is often designed for adults. Boosters, cushions, benches etc can make a difference.

Ask them about it but not at a time when you are trying to eat. But think about how long you want them there for anyway. 10 minutes is a good start.

I don’t “allow” things like jumping off the sofa, and if I say no, they stop , but start again 2 minute later. Another poster is right they do tend to listen to DH more, he thinks they shouldn’t be doing any activity after eating for 30 mins. It’s the don’t swim after eating type rule.

I'm not keen on allowing more screen time after dinner by gaming as want them to wind down (appreciate the irony as seem to go the opposite way) . We have just dance game dance game, and it’s too hard for my 4 year old maybe next year once at school so used to more structured activities as such, but 7 year old likes it. But I will try encouraging some light activity, before dinner would get the wiggles out better.

I do think I need to manage my expectations more, thanks for all the posters.

• playing in the park, running, football, climbing trees, skipping, playing chase. All good ideas between school and dinner if you can be outdoors.

The Just Dance suggestion was an indoor one. You could do it before dinner rather than after if you don't want screens after dinner.

If they listen to DH and not to you then you need to figure out what it is that you do differently. Is it your tone of voice? The consequences he puts in place? His attitude when he asks?

I also think that a good period of activity before dinner might be a good idea.

My kids are similar. I'm autistic and have ADHD. My son is autistic. Other two siblings... well the jury is out on them, but it's more likely given the genetic component of these things.
I have tried every parenting trick in the book, some of which is mentioned here. It doesn't work. I wish it did. I'm baffled by other children we see in public who are sensible and quiet. Mine are always having fun and joking about with each other. They're not naughty but they're not these quiet, reserved children I see everywhere. There isn't anyone else that has managed to make them behave any differently so far.

Those saying if they can do it at school then they can at home...well, not really? Children eat as fast as they can at school then go run outside for the rest of the lunch hour!!

I wouldn't jump to adhd but I wouldn't dismiss it either. It would show in all areas of their lives.

@coveruplep they won't "wind down" though if they are full of energy.
Could they just dance to music rather than it being from a screen?
How about some more physical games that can be played indoors like indoor bowling (plastic pins and a foam ball).
I saw an inflatable ring toss game in Poundland the other day. It's Easter themed so it was an inflatable large bunny and you have to toss the rings over it's head.
We had a plastic "crazy golf" set when my girl was younger.

You are giving them dinner too late so they are overtired. Try dinner at 5 - 5:30.

If a child has ADHD then running around/not being able to sit still is not going to be confined to one moment every day. If my kids are hyper after dinner then they likely haven't had enough exercise/fresh air that day or they're overtired or they've had too much sugar.

My eldest (12) does have severe ADHD and was diagnosed at 5 but has always been more manageable in the house because it's a controlled environment. Running around and jumping off furniture is an absolute no in our house . yes, the kids get hyper sometimes but then I would usually send them outside to burn it off or separate them/keep them busy.

Maybe I’m in a parallel universe, but my garden is small and like a muddy swap, wet slippery patio. It’s pretty standard, pot plants, small flowerbeds. We patio jet washed each spring but it’s a north facing. We do have a trampoline that takes up most of the garden, but it’s all wet. No room for climbing frame or swing. I’m not putting in fake grass, which anyway would be wet too. They don’t really want to go out there after school in winter, summer it’s lovely.

The playgrounds here are mostly grass based after council updated. I will try to walk them a bit further after school pick up ( standard time) to go to a rubber matted / concrete type park. We do visit the park about once a week after school. 4 year old not a fan of long walks.

I have tried earlier for dinners and it doesn’t make bedtime any earlier and they aren’t hungry. They don’t want to eat, or sleep, so unless I do dinner for getting home time, (which I can’t as I’m working until 3) then walking to Nursery then onto school to pick up. DH works out of the house. So I have to give after school snack - apple/ cracker & cheese/ cereal bar/ breadstick type thing.

I do know one family who has dinner at 4pm, but I thought that was unusual, maybe not.

What consequences are appropriate for if they don’t listen to what I say? I try to model good behaviour and say no, but I can’t think what you can actually do to stop it. Shout or different tone of voice, maybe more impactful ? I mean ban Tv/ screens is the only thing I can think of, but then I will have to entertain them so I’m not sure it’s really a punishment to get parents attention is it?

@coveruplep yes parks or back gardens in winter aren't great. Most of my local parks are currently swamps thanks to all the rain (I'm in a flat so don't have a garden).
If they are hungry enough for after school snacks I would definitely bring dinner time earlier for them. It could be if they are eating the after-school snacks they aren't really that hungry when it is dinner time anyway.

How much screen time do they have? If you take screens away they can play independently.
Are they constantly entertained by you, having screens or jumping on furniture? When do they get to be bored and explore etc?

Personally I would wrap them up, give them a bowl of water and some random toys/paintbrush/whatever and send them into the garden.

I think consequences is the wrong approach/direction here.

We shouldn't be thinking up consequences for children who need exercise showing us they need exercise... we should be helping them to move!

There are other things you cna have inside - pull up bar over a door, spinny baskets/disks for spinning. Lots of ideas.

One trip to a park in a week genuinely isn't enough exercise for kids. Even more so for kids with energy!

Even if they do have adhd - that will just tell you they need more sensory input/exercise... or if they are looking for sensory feedback from spinning/jumping again it's what they need.

But it is something that is good for all kids.

They don’t want to play the running around jumping games before dinner, so wondered if it’s a release from the demand of sitting. But the sitting is just about 10 minutes max and I do not manage to stop them leaving the table after this. Focus and attention span for both DC isn’t brilliant but again don’t know what other children are like.

@coveruplep It's not a popular view on Mumsnet but yes, I would use a harsh tone with DD if she behaved like that. I normally give a warning e.g. "I'm telling you nicely this time; if you don't do what you're told I won't be nice", and this is enough 99% of the time, because she knows that I mean it. Basically you and DH both have to be bad cop and have to be prepared to follow through and for the kids not to like it.