This is a case of how bad is too bad and can people really change? On the face of it things aren’t ’that’ bad but it’s really upsetting me day to day.
background: had my first DD (8 months) with DP (34) of 10 years. We own a house together and both work full time (earning similar wage) but I’m currently on maternity leave. We have been renovating a house prior to the birth. DP works remotely 9-5 so has a 1 min commute. No expectation of CPD or overtime.
the daily issues boil down to lack of /different standards in partner and his lack of motivation. He says he would eat beans on toast every day and doesn’t want to do any house or garden maintenance at all. He says he works and there is no other time to do anything outside of loading or unloading the dishwasher at night/eating food. His low standards then lead to damage eg slopping coffee down the walls when carrying it, breaking or losing things but never replacing them, using the last of something without letting me know so when I need it eg bread or milk there is nothing and I have to take baby to shops or go without.
i know things are busy but I don’t agree this is full capacity for him. You can pull 5 minutes here and there to get things done. I feel completely overwhelmed with the life admin, breast feeding, a baby who doesn’t sleep, baby admin, finishing the house, preparing to go back to work and trying to scrape money back after he ran us in to 15k debt during the build with bad/no budgeting. During this time I had HG /was medicated/ was working full time (scraping by) and ordering/sourcing things for build. He said he had it handled- he didn’t.
im dreading going back to work FT on top of all this. I feel cross that he took my option to spend time with DC away with money mismanagement. Further more in day to day he is unreliable- falling asleep in arm chair with baby despite promising not to (suffocation risk ) shoving letters in drawers and missing parking tickets etc, doesn’t look up anything for family/child etc just watches sport, sleeping through baby monitor / ignoring crying if he is ‘giving me a break’ (so I end up staying awake to check on baby), ignoring my things in the calendar and booking things over them leaving me to cancel with no childcare (physio appointments that kind of thing). I keep thinking maybe these aren’t big enough to leave someone.
but I just feel alone every day and so overwhelmed. Unless I do it- it won’t get done and that’s anything from making sure there is toilet roll in the house, to doing a food shop, to DIY, to knowing all toys/ developmental needs for baby, checking we have money for bills. To my absolute shame we haven’t set up DD bedroom yet coz we have some space issues but he doesn’t seem bothered at all/ would never plan to help me. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to do this/ feel pride in setting your kid up in a room somehow. The garden is a jungle from moving in and it’s really important for me to have somewhere for DC to play in spring. DP left all garden tools at his parents when we moved in a year ago and hasn’t collected them. He lets dog poo in garden and doesn’t clear it up. I avoid garden as very uneven and have some physical damage as a result of the birth- so I also can’t dig it all up etc. partner would do nothing towards it.
I’ve explicitly expressed my concerns, suggested solutions, cried, said we need to change etc but nothing changes. He is also defensive if I do raise anything and is often evasive about things. I just find it exhausting trying to have a conversation with him as he just wants to argue.
When I suggest something to do he is dismissive and almost mocking eg why would you want to go there? Do people even go there?! And I just feel like he is an energy vampire at times. He doesn’t have alternative suggestions just wants to be a critic!
for our 10 year anniversary he got the date wrong and is still working on the gift 3 months later. He panic bought some perfume I don’t wear. I just like little thoughtful things or a token. I find it really hurtful and disrespectful frankly on top of everything else. He can’t even be pleasant to me eg grunting / looking at phone or TV, no chat or coming to see me before bed, and some days he’s the only person I see all day. I just feel very sad. I don’t understand what is happening?
im trying my best here and on about 3 hrs sleep a night but I just feel sad that my partner doesn’t care if he speaks to me or not on any given day. AIBU to think that sometimes that enough is enough?