To end 10 year relationship over this?

[101Nutella]

This is a case of how bad is too bad and can people really change? On the face of it things aren’t ’that’ bad but it’s really upsetting me day to day.

background: had my first DD (8 months) with DP (34) of 10 years. We own a house together and both work full time (earning similar wage) but I’m currently on maternity leave. We have been renovating a house prior to the birth. DP works remotely 9-5 so has a 1 min commute. No expectation of CPD or overtime.

the daily issues boil down to lack of /different standards in partner and his lack of motivation. He says he would eat beans on toast every day and doesn’t want to do any house or garden maintenance at all. He says he works and there is no other time to do anything outside of loading or unloading the dishwasher at night/eating food. His low standards then lead to damage eg slopping coffee down the walls when carrying it, breaking or losing things but never replacing them, using the last of something without letting me know so when I need it eg bread or milk there is nothing and I have to take baby to shops or go without.

i know things are busy but I don’t agree this is full capacity for him. You can pull 5 minutes here and there to get things done. I feel completely overwhelmed with the life admin, breast feeding, a baby who doesn’t sleep, baby admin, finishing the house, preparing to go back to work and trying to scrape money back after he ran us in to 15k debt during the build with bad/no budgeting. During this time I had HG /was medicated/ was working full time (scraping by) and ordering/sourcing things for build. He said he had it handled- he didn’t.

im dreading going back to work FT on top of all this. I feel cross that he took my option to spend time with DC away with money mismanagement. Further more in day to day he is unreliable- falling asleep in arm chair with baby despite promising not to (suffocation risk ) shoving letters in drawers and missing parking tickets etc, doesn’t look up anything for family/child etc just watches sport, sleeping through baby monitor / ignoring crying if he is ‘giving me a break’ (so I end up staying awake to check on baby), ignoring my things in the calendar and booking things over them leaving me to cancel with no childcare (physio appointments that kind of thing). I keep thinking maybe these aren’t big enough to leave someone.

but I just feel alone every day and so overwhelmed. Unless I do it- it won’t get done and that’s anything from making sure there is toilet roll in the house, to doing a food shop, to DIY, to knowing all toys/ developmental needs for baby, checking we have money for bills. To my absolute shame we haven’t set up DD bedroom yet coz we have some space issues but he doesn’t seem bothered at all/ would never plan to help me. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to do this/ feel pride in setting your kid up in a room somehow. The garden is a jungle from moving in and it’s really important for me to have somewhere for DC to play in spring. DP left all garden tools at his parents when we moved in a year ago and hasn’t collected them. He lets dog poo in garden and doesn’t clear it up. I avoid garden as very uneven and have some physical damage as a result of the birth- so I also can’t dig it all up etc. partner would do nothing towards it.

I’ve explicitly expressed my concerns, suggested solutions, cried, said we need to change etc but nothing changes. He is also defensive if I do raise anything and is often evasive about things. I just find it exhausting trying to have a conversation with him as he just wants to argue.

When I suggest something to do he is dismissive and almost mocking eg why would you want to go there? Do people even go there?! And I just feel like he is an energy vampire at times. He doesn’t have alternative suggestions just wants to be a critic!

for our 10 year anniversary he got the date wrong and is still working on the gift 3 months later. He panic bought some perfume I don’t wear. I just like little thoughtful things or a token. I find it really hurtful and disrespectful frankly on top of everything else. He can’t even be pleasant to me eg grunting / looking at phone or TV, no chat or coming to see me before bed, and some days he’s the only person I see all day. I just feel very sad. I don’t understand what is happening?

im trying my best here and on about 3 hrs sleep a night but I just feel sad that my partner doesn’t care if he speaks to me or not on any given day. AIBU to think that sometimes that enough is enough?

He winds like he just doesn’t care about you. If he can’t when asked see why you should do the things he can’t do after finishing at 5pm then imagine how much easier it will be on your own. It will be hard sharing custody but tell him if you split up he’ll have to do everything not 50/50

How would you feel if your child was in a relationship like this?

He sounds like a useless feck. You would do much, much better on your own.

@Mumsanetta ive told him this can’t go on. He just says because of the child we have to stay together. I don’t agree.

If he cared that much about you staying together for the sake of your baby he would change. Your DH seems to think he has trapped you in your relationship but but I’m glad you don’t agree.

ive got myself a separate bank account and put a bit of cash in there. I’m preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. Well done, keeping doing this and ramp it up if you can.* *Take your time and put together a plan for leaving your DP.

I have no idea how I could do the childcare 24/7 as DC really doesn’t sleep. You will probably find that’s it’s actually easier to cope with your baby when it’s just you - it’s easier to swim when you don’t have a dead weight tied round your neck. You’re already pretty much alone, you just happen to be sharing a house with your DH.

he is a good parent to her in terms of kind/ loving but I don’t think he would remember routine for her if he was parenting alone eg keep her up to long, not recognise hunger cues, not remember to apply medication or clean teeth. That kind of thing.

He is not a good parent to her, you are - a good parent would remember her routine and learn when their child is hungry.

we have no nearby family so I can’t go anywhere. Get some help if you need it but, just remember, you’re not stuck with your DP and can make a viable plan to leave him.

Can I just say thank you to everyone who has messaged. I really thought I’d get some ‘pull yourself together, it’s not that bad etc’ but I wanted an outside view.

i really appreciate your kindness- it means a lot.

during one dispute he said ‘you think the perfect man is out there, going to do x,y, z more than me- good luck’. Then it dawned on me- I actually started to laugh and said ‘good god, you think my alternative is another man? No!! My alternative is living alone in peace!’

he was so shocked!! I think that really gave him something to think about But it’s the truth isn’t it? If I’m going to earn equal money, do the house management and the child management then why would I also have a manchild to contend with?

Like a poster above this does sound like ADHD. I could have written your post almost word for word about my own DP - the lack of motivation and drive, having to nag and cajole him to do stuff, the forgetfulness, lack of care and the confusion and frustration it causes for the other person. After googling our own issues in desperation a few years ago, I came across a Mumsnet post from someone having similar difficulties with their partner. I encouraged my DP to take an online test, which overwhelmingly suggested ADHD, he was subsequently referred by his GP and had a positive diagnosis of the inattentive form of ADHD. Several years on we are still together but it is not easy and I can relate to so much in your post. For me it often feels like I am swimming through treacle and the relationship can often be more like parent/child which can be so frustrating and draining.

For us it has been a very difficult journey and ultimately the problems are all still there. You have to have enormous reserves of patience and understanding, I know I don't get this right most of the time and it is a constant challenge with many ups and downs. I often feel very conflicted as I know I have a right to have my needs met in our relationship, but at the same time I recognise the difficulties he has in meeting those needs.

It might be worth your DP exploring a diagnosis to see if medication can help, or to get some help with managing it. Medication is very successful for some people and can help improve focus etc. Also you could have a look at some of the books on ADHD, e.g. by Gina Pera, who also runs online courses for couples.

So sorry you are going through this and hope you can find some clarity.

Has he always been this grumpy, or since your pregnancy/having your DD? I wonder whether the overwhelm with the life change is making him 'check out'. My DH was like this and once I understood his perspective better, we were able to talk better again (without just defensiveness/evasiveness/grunting) and now we're in a much better place, and DH is motivated and proactive again. A colleague once half jokingly said to me 'I think there should be a rule that noone should break up within two years of having their first baby!' (of course outside of cases of abuse) and indeed at about the 2.5 year mark things got a lot better for us. You are completely right to feel upset of course, and I don't want to minimise that at all. You would be completely 'in your right' to leave him over his attitude and mismanagement. However, I guess since you have your DD now, the big cost to weigh this up with is for her to have separated parents, you having to let her stay by herself at her Dad's and all of that. If you think there is still something to fight for in your relationship, it might pay off to give it a bit more time.

I actually welled up reading this and I was only about one third of the way through. This is not a partnership. You wouldn't treat an animal this way never mind the mother of your child. Hugs x

This man is incredibly neglectful. Get a solicitor and leave him.

I don’t usually say this. But this is a prime case for LTB

💐

I think this hit the nail on the head really. The question to ask is whether he actually brings anything to your life. If the answer is nothing, then you know what to do. And tell him this. He probably has no idea you’re looking to leave him and hopefully he’ll get a shock.

It sounds like he is naturally a lazy fucking pig. So either you stick around and also live in a pigsty, or you continue doing everything and bubbling with resentment until you die.
Personally I would get out, raising a child with a lazy pig would turn me into an angry, bitter woman.

God he sounds utterly useless. Sounds like it’ll be far less stressful without him.

My ds has diagnosed ADHD and l can see some similarities as he forgets stuff and would do that thing with leaving bills etc. However he really tears into stuff when he is motivated eg with the garden he would be likely to wake up one Saturday and have that garden dug by lunchtime as when he gets a thing into his head he can work so hard. Also he has a ds and was very hands on wanting to be totally involved in the early days. He wants his child to have everything so it is very hard to understand why your dh has no inclination to do stuff in the excitement of a new baby eg . getting the room set up.Your dh sounds motivated by nothing. Does he have friends? Does he do any sport or go to a gym? What is his family like? His dad? Do ye ever laugh and have fun together? What are the things that attracted you to him originally? With my ds l can see why he would get frustrating being quite scattered but himself and his dp are always chatting and laughing and planning stuff together while your dh seems just dead in himself. There is definitely some mental health stuff going on but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it as it will e no environment for your baby as she grows aside from it being soul destroying for you.

This is awful for you, Nutella. This bloke is acting like a teenage boy and treating you like you're his mum - taking it for granted that you will do everything so he doesn't have to. This is not good.

If it were me (mid-fifties-woman), I'd tell him to get it together or you're going to have to say ta-ta.

I'm so sorry to say but he sounds like a waste of space.
Wishing you all the Best going forward.

I'm giving you a round of applause for saying that to him, Nutella! 👏👏👏

This is not ok. If this has been your wntire relationship and only highlighted now with a baby then this is a wake up call for you.
If this is recent then oculd it be stress / depression (yes man can get dperession postpartum) etc.

My husband is pretty useless with some things you mentioned but he makes up for it with things I can't do and he takes the load off in other areas.
He can not cook to save his life or clean to a good standard but he fixes everything in the home, he does all the shopping so I don't need to drag DC around with me, he services my car himself, plumbing, electrics etc etc. We balance each other out and it works. He is also super hands on with DC and safety conscious even more then me.

So the matters where he is useless are not so massive. If your doing everything then you will run youraelf into the ground. And that's when it will be worse. If he can't communicate properly that is also going to be a massive challenge as it is already.

Hope he changes, and you can move on.

Of course you leave him. I can't understand why you had a baby with this person 😕

@junebirthdaygirl that’s really interesting- thank you. He doesn’t seem to get hyper fixated unless it’s something around technology/for him. Which is why I find it selfish but I don’t understand enough about ADHD. He’ll get obsessed with like getting a GoPro or when we got our car it was all I heard about for a year before (watching reviews etc). It’s like once he sets a plan in his head- he can’t go back on it. Even if it’s bad!

no over time he doesn’t make effort to see people and he doesn’t see friends. He doesn’t do sports or hobbies- he used to but again now says no time at all to do it. I find all that draining as anything social comes from my side or family. He could jog in a morning (he likes running) but doesn’t make any time for it.

his dad work and does bits round house but garden stuff etc. v helpful but he’s very reserved and set in routines. His sibling has some kind of ASD. I sometimes wonder if something like that is happening? My partner has a really difficult time understanding inferences in communication and nuances which leads to conflict about the house eg can u put the baby bag away (means unpack old bottle, check bag is ready for next time)- he would just put back even though he’s seen me doi it a million time and explain it.

originLly he was outgoing and a bit more care free. He was always up for a plan and he was extremely kind/supportive. Just like a nice buddy to have around. Looking back I think it’s been changing for a few years but I was working away/getting longer job hours etc so didn’t notice. Plus I had a decent social circle.

its come home to roost since we relocated for my work (close to his family/joint decision) as I moved during COVID and don’t have the social network here. Plus I’ve had a baby so can’t just travel around as easily.

I'd say ask he to go to counselling as a make or break. Be clear to him how important it is. If he refuses, I'd honestly just end things.

@Nofilteritwonthelp thr person he is currently I WOULD NOT have bred with!! No way!!

I think when you’ve known someone for years you perhaps have rose tinted glasses as you remember how they were- we used to travel a lot and have fun. He was pretty good house wise albeit he didn’t have organisation systems so receipts shoved in a draw etc. however I like setting systems up and being organised so it felt like skill sharing. Now it just feels like endless domestic labour on my part and him not taking the reins on anything.

i find it incredibly sad. He says he loves me and wants it to work but it’s like he can’t find any urgency to put one foot in the other to get there. It doesn’t help that our financial pressure is huge now with the debt repayment and remortgage.

@JumboJett i won’t if something during the birth rocked him? It was pretty traumatic and ended in emergency section. We’re both ok (well I’m a bit dodgy but having physio for it and thankfully it’s improving- has been a long road on top of everything else).

but he genuinely was terrified during it (kept me calm, did good job of hiding it) but in bits afterwards. When we came home he was so good at hands on looking after us both/cooking / just handling the emergency sort of basics. But then as I’ve got well and carried on he’s almost like crumbled. He’s miserable, insular etc but he lights up with our DC. He is a constant source of fun, games , attention, love and support for her. Which is why I think it’s not a black and white situation but I have no idea what’s happening?

Firstly it seems like becoming a father turns some men into useless man babies. I think its because the baby is taking all the attention away from him. But it sounds like these problems might be long standing.

Secondly, doctors are way too liberal with dishing out antidepressants and then leaving patients to get on with it alone. Anyone on psychiatric medication should be under the care of a psychiatrist and getting some kind of talk therapy too. Of course that almost never happens. Not everyone reacts well to these medications and it can cause a personality change or other mental health symptoms in some people. If you think there’s any chance that his current deterioration in mood and demeanour are related to his mental health treatment, or lack thereof, its worth trying to get that sorted out before taking further steps. Maybe couples counselling could help too.

Otherwise, it sounds like you know what to do but don’t want to take that step, which is very understandable. Maybe move in with family or a friend for a week if you can (or even a cheap hotel/airbnb) - possibly it might shock him into action.

It definitely sounds like he's doing the thing of being abusive once a baby is here. I don't think he'll change ever.

I really feel for you, your situation sounds exhausting. I personally found transitioning to parenting hard and the relentlessness of it made me very unmotivated generally eg previously I’d have loved a garden blitz then have a cold beer and a nice sit down as a reward! But now you do the garden blitz then back to parenting so I do get it. However, I don’t really see things as optional like your partner seems to do so maybe my standards have slipped a bit but I still recognise that there is no choice but to get on with it. My wife however doesn’t seem to struggle with the relentlessness of parenting like me (we are both female if that’s relevant) but is extremely disorganised so I am very much in charge of all of that so I totally feel your perspective on that.

I think he has probably got into a cycle of feeling useless, feeling sorry for himself and lost all motivation. I wonder if you can sit down and divide up chores but also divide up some free time so it’s not all about who does the chores but also who gets to have 2 hours to do what they want? So it feels more positive? Or possibly do this with the help of a relationship counsellor?

I don’t think it’s acceptable you having to live like this, it’s too exhausting for you and so unfair. But hopefully if he is a decent person you can make some changes together. If not, then i don’t think you should stay in this situation.