To end 10 year relationship over this?

[101Nutella]

This is a case of how bad is too bad and can people really change? On the face of it things aren’t ’that’ bad but it’s really upsetting me day to day.

background: had my first DD (8 months) with DP (34) of 10 years. We own a house together and both work full time (earning similar wage) but I’m currently on maternity leave. We have been renovating a house prior to the birth. DP works remotely 9-5 so has a 1 min commute. No expectation of CPD or overtime.

the daily issues boil down to lack of /different standards in partner and his lack of motivation. He says he would eat beans on toast every day and doesn’t want to do any house or garden maintenance at all. He says he works and there is no other time to do anything outside of loading or unloading the dishwasher at night/eating food. His low standards then lead to damage eg slopping coffee down the walls when carrying it, breaking or losing things but never replacing them, using the last of something without letting me know so when I need it eg bread or milk there is nothing and I have to take baby to shops or go without.

i know things are busy but I don’t agree this is full capacity for him. You can pull 5 minutes here and there to get things done. I feel completely overwhelmed with the life admin, breast feeding, a baby who doesn’t sleep, baby admin, finishing the house, preparing to go back to work and trying to scrape money back after he ran us in to 15k debt during the build with bad/no budgeting. During this time I had HG /was medicated/ was working full time (scraping by) and ordering/sourcing things for build. He said he had it handled- he didn’t.

im dreading going back to work FT on top of all this. I feel cross that he took my option to spend time with DC away with money mismanagement. Further more in day to day he is unreliable- falling asleep in arm chair with baby despite promising not to (suffocation risk ) shoving letters in drawers and missing parking tickets etc, doesn’t look up anything for family/child etc just watches sport, sleeping through baby monitor / ignoring crying if he is ‘giving me a break’ (so I end up staying awake to check on baby), ignoring my things in the calendar and booking things over them leaving me to cancel with no childcare (physio appointments that kind of thing). I keep thinking maybe these aren’t big enough to leave someone.

but I just feel alone every day and so overwhelmed. Unless I do it- it won’t get done and that’s anything from making sure there is toilet roll in the house, to doing a food shop, to DIY, to knowing all toys/ developmental needs for baby, checking we have money for bills. To my absolute shame we haven’t set up DD bedroom yet coz we have some space issues but he doesn’t seem bothered at all/ would never plan to help me. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to do this/ feel pride in setting your kid up in a room somehow. The garden is a jungle from moving in and it’s really important for me to have somewhere for DC to play in spring. DP left all garden tools at his parents when we moved in a year ago and hasn’t collected them. He lets dog poo in garden and doesn’t clear it up. I avoid garden as very uneven and have some physical damage as a result of the birth- so I also can’t dig it all up etc. partner would do nothing towards it.

I’ve explicitly expressed my concerns, suggested solutions, cried, said we need to change etc but nothing changes. He is also defensive if I do raise anything and is often evasive about things. I just find it exhausting trying to have a conversation with him as he just wants to argue.

When I suggest something to do he is dismissive and almost mocking eg why would you want to go there? Do people even go there?! And I just feel like he is an energy vampire at times. He doesn’t have alternative suggestions just wants to be a critic!

for our 10 year anniversary he got the date wrong and is still working on the gift 3 months later. He panic bought some perfume I don’t wear. I just like little thoughtful things or a token. I find it really hurtful and disrespectful frankly on top of everything else. He can’t even be pleasant to me eg grunting / looking at phone or TV, no chat or coming to see me before bed, and some days he’s the only person I see all day. I just feel very sad. I don’t understand what is happening?

im trying my best here and on about 3 hrs sleep a night but I just feel sad that my partner doesn’t care if he speaks to me or not on any given day. AIBU to think that sometimes that enough is enough?

Living alone Vs living with a man who does not share house/childcare/life responsibilities is much better.
That said, 8 months old is young, and it does not seem like you can leave today even if you wanted to. Also you said he was not that bad prior to baby, so there is a chance for him still.
I vote for finding a good moment and explaining to him calmly, you feel that atm he is only contributing his work wages to your life, and you think you'd be happier if he did it by cms. Buy a few more months to see if he's doing anything to change, and to squirrel more money away. If nothing changes by the 1year mark i would go.

@101Nutella this is classic adhd issues in a romantic relationship. It is hard. Start focusing on yourself otherwise you will loose yourself trying to save him. It’s a mental illness and if he takes no ownership your are on a hiding to nothing

@frequentlyfrazzled thanks for your
honesty. I had the same with my h but ultimately chose to leave as despite his official diagnosis he was in complete denial.
I felt I was being abused. He refused therapy or meds. Where could we go from there? Many times I read on here descriptions of relationships like the OP’s and instantly recognize the pattern. Untreated and unmanaged ADHD is the devil.

Some posters can be dismissive of the effects of adhd and say it’s a deliberate behavior etc but unless you have firsthand experience it’s easy to draw that conclusion.

I imagine it was always this bad but having a child not to mention BF so being sole carer practically just puts so much more pressure on us women.
Leave him.

@Gioia1
I didn't know ADHD was considered a mental illness, I've always considered it a neurodivergent condition.

I think even if you're not at a point of leaving, a week at your parents, telling him you're considering your options would be a great step. Either it scares him into sorting himself out, or it gives you a breather having family around.

Definitely sounds like ADHD, but he also sounds quite unpleasant. If he's not willing to be treated for ADHD (after official diagnosis) you should walk away, because things will not improve. I've wasted 8 years of my life hoping for better with a now ex-partner who refused to take meds.

Absolutely!!
You don’t need a man child end of.

Also if he is like this now, what on earth will he be like when you go back to work? I think that is an even bigger point in the new patent dynamic because he will have to step up (massively in his case)

This is awful. I don't think you can have a baby and do a house renovation and work full time with someone with adhd who is also lazy. Assuming it was just adhd then surely if you wrote him a list of what he has to do from 7.20-9am and from 5-7pm he could follow it? Like he does his tasks at work?
This shouldn't be your job but might help
IF he's willing. I stronfly suspect he's not willing- if so my priority would be to tie up the essentials in the house and get it on the market and get a flat for me and baby

ADHD is not a mental illness, although people who have it are more prone to developing MH problems. But in and of itself it's not a mental illness.

OP your partner sounds like a dead loss tbh, regardless of any underlying reason for his behaviour he's not interested in putting in the effort to change - evidenced by "we have to stay together because of the child". He has no intention of being more helpful or resuming his previous ways, he perceives it isn't necessary as the mere existence of the child is enough to keep you around (chained to the kitchen sink where you belong....)

I reckon what you'll find is that the more you try to discuss this with you the more aggressive and challenging he will be.

Honestly who cares what issues he has. He is an adult with a responsibility to get help and pull his weight in his family unit. He sounds beyond pathetic and I couldn't even look at someone like that let alone want to share a life with.

He is lazy.
Can you live like this for the rest of your entire life?

You can’t go on like this OP. That’s not a partnership in any sense of the word.

He isn’t reliable or dependable and you can’t even trust him to put his own helpless child before himself. He seems incapable.
He refuses look after his own health or his home environment. And if he isn't prepared to help himself, you can do no more for him at this stage.
You are tying yourself in knots trying to help him and having to constantly pick up after his negligence. It’s sapping your energy and reserves. And his ignorance is hurtful.

Mentally and emotionally, you would be better off alone. So it’s good that you have started to develop the idea of leaving him. Your baby will hopefully start to sleep much better soon. Concentrate on that for now and then your energy levels will improve for the task of leaving him.

In the meantime, can you have a break right away from him for a couple of weeks to clear your own mind and to see if he can get his act together with the house ?

Oh god I couldn't cope with a man like that OP. I'm sorry that's not very helpful but he just sounds really lazy.

My DH works 6 days a week in a very senior role working extremely long hours and he is very hands on with kids/house etc in the little down time he has.

Are you sure you're able to cope with this situation forever?

So he is home from 5 but can't do anything? Wow!

I generally think that when there are children involved couples should make every effort to stay together but in your case I don’t think that would be good advice. A friend has put up with a similar scenario in her marriage for over 35 years and she has become bitter, is always moaning and looks way older than her 60 years. Her husband won’t do anything at the weekend because they’re his days off work and so she spends her days off doing absolutely everything. I’ve told her to leave him but now she doesn’t want to spend her old age on her own. She will be as I know that when he retires he will spend his days doing his hobbies and excluding her.

IF he has ADHD traits it doesn't stop him from being a kind and considerate human being (I say this as the mother of a child with ADHD and ASD, and a DH with loads of ADHD traits).

He sounds like he's stopped bothering with any kind of effort because in his eyes you are trapped because of the baby. You apparently need him because you are on maternity leave.

Personally I'd stop doing things for him in the short term. Just look after your DD and yourself, you have enough on your plate. Well done on getting a fund started to escape, and also to point out that you don't need a man FFS. It shows how infantile his thinking really is.

Absolutely end the relationship. I PROMISE you'll be so much happier without him x

This is so sad! OP - my DH and I are both ADHD types and life feels like muddling through. But we work hard, and outsource what we can, so our children have good lives.

One key question is whether you want another child. You might be able to get this relationship back on track where he is doing a bit more - but moving from one to two children means the domestic work escalates.

If you're in your early 30s, you do still have time to rebuild your life, find another partner and have another child. And even if you don't, I agree with other posters that it's much easier to run a household without a chaotic adult that you're also parenting.

I would say there's a good chance he's ND one way or another, if things just seem to break in his hands and he can't walk across the room without slopping tea up the walls then I'd be suspecting dyspraxia - and the poor executive function and 'low' standards along with happily eating the same thing everyday and not really seeing the point of birthdays etc all point towards him being ND too - possibly even ASD. Even the black and white thinking of 'we have a baby so we have to stay together as parents' smacks of ASD. I suspect he's pretty over whelmed by work and when he gets home just needs down time to decompress. He probably also was totally traumatised by the birth and is still trying to process all that.

I think you need to look though at what he is good at and remember those things. Then look at what you're struggling with and work out how to fix those things - online shopping? Finding a new home for the dog that no one wants to clean up after and using the money saved to get a cleaner? Personally I would never suggest that leaving a relationship with a new baby is a good time (unless abusive obviously) because it is a time when any relationship is under huge pressure and strain and it does get easier and things will change again. You need to be talking - talk about what you really appreciate about each other, what you're really struggling with, how you can work together to improve things - but don't expect him to be able to do things he can't. If his executive function is not good then expecting him to remember that he needs to do x or y next Tuesday at 2:30 is just setting you both up to fail.

Of course you don't have to stay with him, no one has to stay with anyone if they're unhappy. It's clear you're not working together as a team right now and the resentment is starting to build. If you don't both want to fight for it them it's going to fall apart. It just depends what you want really .

@takemeawayagain thank you for your insight- I make you right. He’s always tripping or choking on his drink or barging past someone coz he misjudged space- no malice what so ever. Also he’s only been in his new job for 2 years- it’s v different and very public facing so I did wonder if he’s masking then depleted by the end. It’s such a shame as when he’s at his happiest is plying with DC etc but due to his fear of getting sacked he wouldn’t consider going PT to do the childcare coz the men are v ‘traditional’ there and he wants to fit in. I think he could really be happy.

i think that in the short term we have to coexist whilst we sell up anyway. So taking some of the tips on this post to survive mentally will help to lower the resentment and stress on my part- as I see this as temporary- hope for the best but prepare for the worst and all that.

the issue we have is due to his financial mismanagement we don’t have spare funds to our source things so we are trapped.

if any one has any more strategies for coping with ASD/ADHD in total overwhelm and shut down please let me know. We need to survive this until we can exit it you know?

@takemeawayagain how do you balance not setting someone up to fail but actually getting the day to day responsibilities done, without just doing them all yourself? What does partnership look like with ND/ASD and NT? Or is it set to fail?

If you really think he has ASD etc you need to ask yourself two things.

Would he seek diagnosis and take any medication prescribed to see if it helped? If not, then nothing will ever change.

Even if he did the above, but medication etc didn't help, would you stay just because he's now diagnosed so therefore not his fault, ie lazy. If not, then don't waste your time waiting around. Focus on having the best co-parenting relationship you can do, rather than being a support person at the detriment of yourself.

Good luck, and remember that you are already doing it all so once you are out it won't be as hard as you think

Look OP. You would be far, far better off just with your child, minus this "partner".
I have a rule, won't swear while at Mumsnet, it's not necessary.
So many of these f* useless men.
Bit about me, to make you chuckle. My husband doesn't see the long grass either, so every summer I'm around with a scythe, something I learned as a kid in another country. Apart from all else.
Child free, fortunately. Actively preparing to leave.
Do the same. 💐

Oh wow. You need to end this. You're worth so much more.

He is a constant source of fun, games , attention, love and support for her. Which is why I think it’s not a black and white situation but I have no idea what’s happening?

Yet he ignores her crying, sleeps through her night wakings, doesn't plan or organise or suggest any activities or anything to do with her and you wouldn't trust him to be able to keep her routine?

Not quite such a constant source of attention, love and support really?