To end 10 year relationship over this?

[101Nutella]

This is a case of how bad is too bad and can people really change? On the face of it things aren’t ’that’ bad but it’s really upsetting me day to day.

background: had my first DD (8 months) with DP (34) of 10 years. We own a house together and both work full time (earning similar wage) but I’m currently on maternity leave. We have been renovating a house prior to the birth. DP works remotely 9-5 so has a 1 min commute. No expectation of CPD or overtime.

the daily issues boil down to lack of /different standards in partner and his lack of motivation. He says he would eat beans on toast every day and doesn’t want to do any house or garden maintenance at all. He says he works and there is no other time to do anything outside of loading or unloading the dishwasher at night/eating food. His low standards then lead to damage eg slopping coffee down the walls when carrying it, breaking or losing things but never replacing them, using the last of something without letting me know so when I need it eg bread or milk there is nothing and I have to take baby to shops or go without.

i know things are busy but I don’t agree this is full capacity for him. You can pull 5 minutes here and there to get things done. I feel completely overwhelmed with the life admin, breast feeding, a baby who doesn’t sleep, baby admin, finishing the house, preparing to go back to work and trying to scrape money back after he ran us in to 15k debt during the build with bad/no budgeting. During this time I had HG /was medicated/ was working full time (scraping by) and ordering/sourcing things for build. He said he had it handled- he didn’t.

im dreading going back to work FT on top of all this. I feel cross that he took my option to spend time with DC away with money mismanagement. Further more in day to day he is unreliable- falling asleep in arm chair with baby despite promising not to (suffocation risk ) shoving letters in drawers and missing parking tickets etc, doesn’t look up anything for family/child etc just watches sport, sleeping through baby monitor / ignoring crying if he is ‘giving me a break’ (so I end up staying awake to check on baby), ignoring my things in the calendar and booking things over them leaving me to cancel with no childcare (physio appointments that kind of thing). I keep thinking maybe these aren’t big enough to leave someone.

but I just feel alone every day and so overwhelmed. Unless I do it- it won’t get done and that’s anything from making sure there is toilet roll in the house, to doing a food shop, to DIY, to knowing all toys/ developmental needs for baby, checking we have money for bills. To my absolute shame we haven’t set up DD bedroom yet coz we have some space issues but he doesn’t seem bothered at all/ would never plan to help me. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to do this/ feel pride in setting your kid up in a room somehow. The garden is a jungle from moving in and it’s really important for me to have somewhere for DC to play in spring. DP left all garden tools at his parents when we moved in a year ago and hasn’t collected them. He lets dog poo in garden and doesn’t clear it up. I avoid garden as very uneven and have some physical damage as a result of the birth- so I also can’t dig it all up etc. partner would do nothing towards it.

I’ve explicitly expressed my concerns, suggested solutions, cried, said we need to change etc but nothing changes. He is also defensive if I do raise anything and is often evasive about things. I just find it exhausting trying to have a conversation with him as he just wants to argue.

When I suggest something to do he is dismissive and almost mocking eg why would you want to go there? Do people even go there?! And I just feel like he is an energy vampire at times. He doesn’t have alternative suggestions just wants to be a critic!

for our 10 year anniversary he got the date wrong and is still working on the gift 3 months later. He panic bought some perfume I don’t wear. I just like little thoughtful things or a token. I find it really hurtful and disrespectful frankly on top of everything else. He can’t even be pleasant to me eg grunting / looking at phone or TV, no chat or coming to see me before bed, and some days he’s the only person I see all day. I just feel very sad. I don’t understand what is happening?

im trying my best here and on about 3 hrs sleep a night but I just feel sad that my partner doesn’t care if he speaks to me or not on any given day. AIBU to think that sometimes that enough is enough?

You do know that people with ASD/ADHD are perfectly capable of being a functional parent?

Please stop using possible ASD/ADHD as an excuse. He wasn't like this before... and ASD/ADHD doesn't just 'start'.

He sounds awful. You'll be relieved to be away from him. I kicked out a man-child who was happy to do nothing around the house and got us into debt with his secretive spending (on my credit card!!!). I had no family support and it was still sooo much easier once he was gone.

I have inattentive ADHD - it sounds like he has this too. We have three people in my house with inattentive ADHD - we are all on the spectrum so have different issues.
Regardless of your long term relationship - I think he'd find it helpful to get diagnosed so he can understand where his traits are affecting him the most and work on strategies. There is also medication which can be a quick fix while he's doing this.
BUT - adhd or no adhd if how he is living his life does not suit you then there is no reason why you should stay if you don't want to. But I would encourage him to do for a diagnosis as he will presumably be having your child some of the time plus ADHD can be hereditary.

You’ve been together 10 years??? Why on earth did you have a baby together if you have such different standards and values?

You can have ADHD and still be a twat.If he understands he is making your life really hard you need to get to the bottom of why he isn’t he stepping up and getting a diagnosis/trying meds.

When I had my little one I suspected I had ADHD. Having a baby exhasberated the challenges I faced and my husband had to take on a lot to compensate for this. He worked full time in a senior position, did the night feeds (having ADHD means I suffer from emotional dysregulation, which is made worse with lack of sleep) and he did all of the cleaning as I’d walk off half way through a task as I couldn’t maintain my concentration. I knew this wasn’t ok and I felt awful for putting my husband in that position. I sought a diagnosis and after finding the right meds I was quickly pulling my own weight again and also had the head space to support my husband as much as possible as a thank you for his previous help and understanding.

I have a next door neighbour who clearly has ADHD (his sons diagnosed) but he doesn’t seem to have any desire to overcome his issues and support his family. He hyper-focuses on DIY and spends thousands each year on this hobby. He recently paid over £50,000 for a ‘garden room’ even though his garden is tiny and both him and his wife work away from away from home so it’s locked over 90% of the time. Although he always finds money for unnecessary DIY his wife and son spend every holiday stuck around the house as his money mismanagement means they can’t afford day trips or holidays

If your husband wants to turn things around and is willing to put the work into achieve this, great. If not, as others have said, do you wantnto have the same life in 5+, 10+ years.

Who are the debts in the name of op? You aren't married, his recklessness caused the debts, you don't have to stay to pay them off. That's on him.

Given he is much worse since the baby and his comments, I think it's more abuse than ADHD. He feels like he's got his feet firmly under the table with you.

This sounds like my relationship 4 years ago. Sudden change after baby, I out it down to lots of things. 4 years on we have recently split up, he is now saying I am at fault for his lack of an active role with parenting...
Try relationship counselling. If you both actively do it, then it is really beneficial.
If he isn't actively trying to make changes or listen to what you care about then please don't do what I did... wait 4 years hoping it would get better and the man I loved would return. He never did and all that happened instead was my self confidence disappeared, he convinced me there were no issues or I was the issue, and the kid's have had to live in a horrible atmosphere. 4 weeks since we moved out, wish I had done it sooner.
If you decide to do counselling and work on the relationship continue to build that nest egg and keep quiet about it. Good luck.

whats he actually bringing to the table, kick him out. Why are you getting 3 hours sleep a night?

I'm just going to put this out here, because I think this is where female socialisation lets us down:

DON'T FEEL YOU HAVE TO STAY WITH HIM JUST BECAUSE HE HAS ASD/ADHD.

And at this stage it's only a theory that he might have one of these conditions.

The reason I'm stating this so bluntly is, the "be nice" training we've all had since we could walk and talk tends to kick in, the sense that you can't kick a man when he's down (which really doesn't apply here, but will kick in anyway), the fear that unspecified people will think badly of you should they know you left your partner who was 'ill', the ridiculous notion that you would never forgive yourself for abandoning him in his hour of need, the wails of 'but he can't help it!' you brace yourself against hearing.

All those things are irrelevant.

People with ASD/ADHD can be nice. They can be nasty. They have their own personalities, just like everyone else. And it's the personality that you're having the relationship with, not the condition. A nice person will try to find strategies that make their and their loved ones lives work. A nasty person will throw their loved ones to the wolves of their condition.

You, @101Nutella, are not responsible for his behaviour, he is. And his behaviour is fucking awful. And no, he's not a good dad, he's neglectful (garden, room, dogpoo) and dangerous (falling asleep in the chair). Do NOT think you have to stay if it turns out he has ASD/ADHD. It doesn't matter if he does. It's not his Get Out Of Jail Free card. You are not trapped in this relationship, you can exit it any time you want. And I truly believe it is in your best interests to do so.

You already do everything, so if you leave him your life won't change much. You'll still do everything, but you'll only have to take off yourself and your baby instead of a grown man aswell.

Leave. Your life would be easier.

@SENDhelp2023 baby is still breast fed, has had a bad run of back to back cold/viruses etc so is up coughing etc. She isn’t eating solids well yet so still feeds a couple of times through night too.

she was very small when born and has managed to grow+ jump growth percentiles too but still small so it’s not a case of training her not to eat at night either. She needs the calories and is super active trying to walk etc all day long.

the way I see it a month from now it could all change and be improved. I just need to survive a bit longer til I can wean her and she can eat properly. It’s hard but she’s my child so I’ll do what I can for her as much as I can. I do some combi when I’m shattered so I can get a couple of hours here and there.

shes never slept for more than 5 hrs in a row and that’s like a unicorn event! I apparently didn’t sleep until I was 5 so I only have myself to blame!

I couldn't live with someone like this. I couldn't respect or love them. It makes me think your life would be easier without him.

You deserve so much more than he is giving you. He takes you for granted and sounds like a complete man child. You can't go on like it and once you're back working full time you'll find it much harder still with having to chase around checking he's done what he's supposed to do. He sounds draining to live with and totally useless.

My adult son has ADHD but because he knows he's impulsive and can be lax he has a spreadsheet to keep his finances in order, uses a Monzo account to pay money into for things like car insurance etc. he also has a checklist of basic jobs he needs to remember to do everyday eg load up dirty dishes into dishwasher. Then jobs to do every week, change bedding and wash etc. He says he needs to be extra organised to make sure he does his fair share and doesn't leave it all to gf who doesn't live with him but spends 3 nights a week there. I've told him keep on top of your house or it will put off your gf. I'm really proud of him for going the extra mile to try to overcome his ADHD. The thing is he has to want to keep on top of it. Your DH doesn't sound like he cares.

@caringcarer ive never felt so totally hopeless in my entire life. When I cry I don’t even recognise myself as it’s like a deep hurt/distress is coming out. I take some breaths, pull myself together and crack on. I’m being very kind to myself in terms of my inner monologue to try to get through it. I’ve never known empty loneliness like it. It’s like living with a robot- I can’t describe it- just no compassion. Just blank stares often when I cry. I do it mostly alone but sometimes it’s just too much

@101Nutella this is may be really hard to hear, but some people simply do not have the capacity or willingness to care for others, and nothing you can do will make them develop that capacity or willingness. Crying and showing how much you’re hurting won’t do it. They will only shut down in response because they have no idea what to do (this is what you’re seeing with the blank stares).

At a guess your partner had a shitty upbringing and was modelled poor standards of care for others. Or he might have a serious undiagnosed condition that means he doesn’t feel empathy for others. The first situation might be salvageable if he can actually recognise how low his standards are (through no original fault of his own.) If it’s the latter, there’s probably no hope for the relationship and all you can do is get out.

Either way, it’s not your fault. If he doesn’t care about you / for you because he doesn’t know how to or isn’t capable of caring for another person well, it’s no reflection on whether you’re worthy of being cared for. You are. If the relationship is important to him, it’s his responsibility to recognise that he needs to do whatever it takes to sort his issues out or he will lose you. And it’s your responsibility to walk away if he is not meeting the very basic and reasonable standards of care and respect and support that you want.

You’ve got probably another 40-50 years of this ahead of you. He won’t change.. is this what you want from your life ?

"I’ve never known empty loneliness like it"

This is so sad xxxx

I could have written this. I was telling someone the other day that the person I married switched when the baby was born and I felt like I was living trapped at the bottom of a deep chasm, and everyone else was up on the surface.
It was thoroughly miserable and indescribably lonely, and you aren't overreacting. It feels like the most enormous betrayal and was the biggest disappointment of my life. I felt thoroughly duped. I suspect my exH has ASD, however I don't give a shit if it's ADHD, ASD, or ABC, it's not your problem to find strategies to cope with, and it will take you down if you let it.
Don't. Get out and start afresh, from someone who knows. Divorce is not a disaster, spending your life like this would definitely be.

👍

My dad was like this but my mum never left him. She just ended up doing the job of two parents whilst working full time and also having an extra person to micromanage. My dad was unable to cope with adult life basically and the only thing he would be interested in or get hyper-fixated on was comics or computers. It is so obvious to me that he is undiagnosed ASD/Asperger's, but let me tell you it was MISERABLE growing up in this environment. There was so much built up resentment from my mum towards my dad and there was such a horrible atmosphere in the house because of it. Not only that but because of how my dad was he was unsafe as a parent due to his inattentiveness, and there were many times I was injured as a child due to not being adequately supervised when my mum had left me in the care of my dad.
My mum did eventually leave him many years later when I was in my twenties but the damage had already been done.
I strongly urge you to leave this man for the sake of your child. You do not want them to grow up in an environment with this level of dysfunction.