Wedding problems?

[Happyandglorious98]

Name changed for this.

my boyfriends sister is getting married at the end of the year she offered to pay for all the men’s kilts now my son didn’t get mentioned so I asked my partner if my son was to wear a kilt as the rest of the nephews had one.
she said it would be better but she would not be paying for this so my partner offered to pay for this and he has.

my daughter also today I found out all of her young nieces are either flower girls or bridesmaids no a thing has been mentioned regarding my daughter about her been anything at this wedding.

should I mention this to my partner or just leave it to be clear we are not each others biggest fans that’s a different story but surely you don’t use that excuse and leave the kids out?

Now the older kids are not bridesmaids at this wedding I would say all the kids under 9 are bridesmaids or flower girls expect from mine?

I feel absolutely raged at this I’m not sure what to do or say as I always end up the bad one and I understand it’s not my wedding and I don’t pick and choose but surely you don’t just leave a 5year old out and the rest be involved?

Don't ruin this for your partner, it's his sisters wedding.
Your son is wearing a kilt so is involved.
Buy your DD a beautiful party dress, go and have an amazing day, head held high.

And remember her spitefulness when you and your partner are getting married!

I agree. Whatever the reason why you and your sister in law don't get on, if anyone who knows you is reading this, which is very unlikely, you've already outed yourself anyway!

Well that changed quick. You are absolutely outraged that a woman won't have blood relatives in her bridal party to insisting your boyfriend is really, really close to said woman to now saying boyfriend won't even attend the wedding.

You go from 100 to 0 in seconds which probably explains why the bride doesn't want you anywhere near her, and I can't say I blame her. It's you she doesn't want, not your children.

It should have been clearer your children are her niece and nephew from her brother. That's outrageous actually and bloody petty. I have a SIL that pulls that shit with our kids, we no longer have any contact with her. I'd pull out of the wedding and do something fun instead, DP can go if he wants 🤷‍♀️💐

"Spanish outfits?" What?

It’s not even that I put alot of like Spanish outfits and things on my daughter and always hand them to my partner to give to his sister - what does this mean?

Traditional style from boutiques. A bit dearer than run of the mill kids clothes.

Me to they seem to cause so much anguish and stress. Surely it’s about marrying the man you love and everything else is unimportant?
This sounds like another over the top wedding costing a fortune and people are still not happy.

Hold on a minute.

OUR daughter AND son is the only one left out of all the small kids?

it’s poison and spiteful end of I haven’t stopped my partner going to his sister last wedding I would never do that I told him to go I WILL not be there

I agree it's wrong of sil to not have your/her brothers kids as has everyone else under 9 in it

Brother aka your partner needs to ask sister why

Tell him to man up

Yes the brides choice but to have all her sisters kids there but not brothers seems very strange

She obviously doesn't like you I'm afraid!
Don't dance to her tune, try and work with yourself to get rid of grudges and hurt feelings.
Move on.

It doesn’t really matter if you get on with her or not. It is your children who will be upset - most 5 year olds love dressing up and it is mean to leave them out if all their cousins the same age are included. Before you gave the actual ages of the other children I wondered if she was considered too young. I think your partner needs to ask why they are left out and tell her your children are upset not you.

Since when is it a bride's job (or actually anyone else's) to manage the expectations of another person's child?

A wedding is about celebrating and witnessing a legal contract between two people, not an opportunity for a 5 yr old to play dress up. It is down to OP to talk to her child that life is never equal or fair, and that different people have different reasons for things, including lack of finances. Otherwise this child will have serious trouble navigating life.

While what you say is true, it's a brutal lesson for a 5 year old to stomach over a close relative's wedding. I think it's better to say nothing, but if asked, just say you don't know why and move on.

Now it's clear that the cousins are all blood related then it seems unnecessarily cruel to exclude one little boy and one little girl only. It doesn't sound like bridal party numbers are particularly restricted and it might not be the best in law relationship, but there's no clear rift, well, not until this incident.

In this situation I would attend with good grace and dress my children in special outfits that they love, but not anything that nods to the attendants' look.

I think it's particularly strange that the Bride says it would be better if her nephew wore a kilt when he's not invited to be a member of the actual wedding party. I wouldn't go along with that. Can just imagine the awkward scenario where the wedding photographer understandably tries to martial the little boy into the main photos and someone pipes up 'oh not him, he's not part of it' or, they don't do that and he's included, so only his sister gets sidelined.

"Since when is it a bride's job (or actually anyone else's) to manage the expectations of another person's child?"

When leaving out one set of children but including everyone else's, I do think the bride has some responsibility here. It's a shitty thing to do to her own niece and nephew. I wouldn't want to have someone in my life who be so wilfully mean to small children.

OP your dp should tell her this behaviour is spiteful and he wants no part of her wedding if she can behave like this.

I haven’t stopped my partner going to his sister last wedding I would never do that I told him to go I WILL not be there

the point is, by you making this into a drama, You have put him in a difficult position. Made it very difficult to go. It would look like he's chosen his sister over you. He would be answering questions all day about where you were.

Your little one is 5. As has been previously said, whatever you think of the decision personally, you should have kept that from her and said "not everyone can be flower girl" and just moved on. If she is given the impression from you she is being left out, that is how she will feel. If she is just told she has been invited as a guest and she can choose a lovely dress to wear, and how exciting it is to be going to a wedding, etc, etc, then she will be excited and looking forward to the wedding.

You can smooth it over with a 5 year old, so they don't feel the snub, but that doesn't mean it isn't a snub.
Weddings are key moments in a family - leaving out the brother's children is unlikely to be forgotten or forgiven. It has the potential to impact on family relationships forever.
The bride was ill advised to do this. It's a very pointed thing to exclude only the brothers kids - yes, the OP can behave as if she doesn't care, but maybe feels she is letting down her own children and tolerating the snub if she does.
I wonder what the bride's and her brother's parents have said about it.

My nephew and his wife had everyone of the cousins as their bridal party apart from my children. It hurt a lot at the time. 10 years on it still annoys me. But it showed who they were.

We all went, smiled, were lucky enough to be in ONE small wedding photo... I was and am, glad we went.

It is his sister who has created the situation, though. Why are you blaming the OP?

You can't usually influence the behaviour of others, but you can influence your response.

Dont know who voted on this but no you are NOT being unreasonable.And make your man stick up for his kids! Of course your daughter will feel left out, especially if your son is also wearing kilt like the other boys & menfolk.She also wants to be same as the wee girlies.This bridezilla needs a kick up the arse.

Absolutely, not attending would be playing completely into the brides hands, that's what she wants but doesn't want to look bad by not inviting them. This way she can say 'I would have loved to have them there, but OP stopped my brother from coming'. Plus it saves the bride money.
I would go, put my best 'I'm an amazing person, having a great time, oh no, of course I don't mind about my daughter not being a flowergirl, she wasn't fussed about being one, she has been 1 so many times she is getting a bit bored of all the fuss tbh' face on and show her you dint give a sh1t about what she thinks

Stick with this.
Get your DD a really nice little outfit. TK Maxx often has good girly dresses. And you wear what you want. Go. You don’t have to stay late. Just have fun.

all the children that are bridesmaids and flower girls are blood related to the bride

I think that probably answers it. I’ve heard two things over the years in regards to weddings.

1. that all child participants (flower girls and page boys) come from brides side, not the grooms
2. that all flower girls come from the brides side and page boys come from the grooms side

Not sure which of those is ‘correct’ and it seems only relevant to people doing it ‘traditionally’, whereas most people these days just do anything but I have definitely heard of these as ‘rules’ over the years for the more traditional weddings so suspect that’s your answer as to why your kids are not in the actual wedding party rather than out of spite.

It was definitely the case when I was young. My only aunt got married before I was born and then all my uncles got married when I was a child (primary school age). I therefore never got to be a flower girl as the flower girls ‘had’ to come from brides side and I had missed that chance with my only aunt being married by the time I was born let alone old enough to be a flower girl. I understood it perfectly when it was explained to me as a small child, my parents did not throw a hissy and ditch the wedding. I had a good time at all the weddings irrespective as I was taken shopping to choose a special dress, had my hair done nicely etc even though I wasn’t a flower girl and tbh I would have had more fun as I wasn’t restricted to flower girl duties, the endless waiting around, photos etc.