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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding problems?

122 replies

Happyandglorious98 · 24/02/2024 21:07

Name changed for this.

my boyfriends sister is getting married at the end of the year she offered to pay for all the men’s kilts now my son didn’t get mentioned so I asked my partner if my son was to wear a kilt as the rest of the nephews had one.
she said it would be better but she would not be paying for this so my partner offered to pay for this and he has.

my daughter also today I found out all of her young nieces are either flower girls or bridesmaids no a thing has been mentioned regarding my daughter about her been anything at this wedding.

should I mention this to my partner or just leave it to be clear we are not each others biggest fans that’s a different story but surely you don’t use that excuse and leave the kids out?

Now the older kids are not bridesmaids at this wedding I would say all the kids under 9 are bridesmaids or flower girls expect from mine?

I feel absolutely raged at this I’m not sure what to do or say as I always end up the bad one and I understand it’s not my wedding and I don’t pick and choose but surely you don’t just leave a 5year old out and the rest be involved?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandglorious98 · 24/02/2024 21:50

FirstTimeMum897 · 24/02/2024 21:45

If you actively do not like each other, I'm not sure what you are expecting. It's HER special day. Why should she give time, energy and spend money on someone she finds difficult to deal with?

Yeah ur right it is her special day but it’s not me she would be spending money on or finds difficult

it’s her blood related neice and nephew her own brothers kids bare in mind she gets on great with her brother

I don’t find leaving our 2 kids out is nice at all

OP posts:
FirstTimeMum897 · 24/02/2024 21:51

Why isn't your boyfriend saying anything if they get along so great?

Dacadactyl · 24/02/2024 21:51

Could it be that she doesn't think your kids would behave in a formal setting like a wedding maybe?

LadyBird1973 · 24/02/2024 21:52

I think it's terrible to include all nieces/nephews but exclude one set. It doesn't actually matter whether she likes the OP or not - they are her brother's children. If she's inviting her brother and his family to the wedding, any falling out can't be that bad. Better to not invite that branch of the family than to have them there and treat the kids like second class citizens!

OP, I think your dp needs to be tackling this with his sister. Personally, I'd be inclined not to go.

PrimalOwl10 · 24/02/2024 21:53

A 5 year old is hardwork for a start,her sisters can keep an eye on their own children as they are bridesmaids.

TomahtoTomayto · 24/02/2024 21:54

LadyBird1973 · 24/02/2024 21:52

I think it's terrible to include all nieces/nephews but exclude one set. It doesn't actually matter whether she likes the OP or not - they are her brother's children. If she's inviting her brother and his family to the wedding, any falling out can't be that bad. Better to not invite that branch of the family than to have them there and treat the kids like second class citizens!

OP, I think your dp needs to be tackling this with his sister. Personally, I'd be inclined not to go.

Honestly not my place to speculate but I think the DP knows why as a PP said.
OP said they get along great. Surely he can have a chat with his own sister.
He's the kids' father and if he isn't bothered well then you can't do anything.
Does he even know that his DD is already upset about it for a start?

Original poster
Happyandglorious98 · 24/02/2024 21:56

SophieStew · 24/02/2024 21:31

So which is it?

You are intending to dress your DS in a kilt the same as the males in the wedding party, or you aren’t?

That would be pretty crass when he’s a regular guest and even more unfair on DD. If you don’t get on with this woman, why do you even care what she thinks of you or your DC. Just let DP go with the children and stay home sulking.

Show quote history

Initially she said it would be better if my son was in a kilt but she wouldn’t be paying so my my partner offered to pay which he did?
As they get on great?

why do I care what she thinks of me or my DC I really don’t give two shits what she even thinks of me. But she is leaving out a 5 year old girl when the rest of her cousins are in the bridal party.

What do u not understand my daughter is the only one left out of all the younger ones it’s bloody poison that’s

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyandglorious98 · 24/02/2024 21:58

Dacadactyl · 24/02/2024 21:51

Could it be that she doesn't think your kids would behave in a formal setting like a wedding maybe?

My kids have been flower girls and page boys to the rest of his family’s weddings in the past and are well behaved children.

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 24/02/2024 21:59

Your daughter probably only cares so much because you've been making it a big deal. I can't imagine you're the type to quietly be annoyed about anything.

ILoveSpoon · 24/02/2024 21:59

Yes, it's reasonable to be upset.
There's not much you can do about it though. Kicking off, or even a reasoned message of disappointment, is unlikely to change the situation. It would only harm the relationship further and would be a bitter victory if the kids were suddenly included.

As pp said, make it fun for your kids another way. Can you get DD excited about you and her matching? Get DS and DH in on it too?

Either that or don't go. Decide what you want the relationship to be before going this route as I'm sure the whole family will be pitted against you.

PrimalOwl10 · 24/02/2024 22:00

You've missed what I said previously 5 years olds are hard work the other mothers will be with them assisting their own dc on the day. Makes a big difference. How old are the other dc? Also too many are over kill.

Bushmillsbabe · 24/02/2024 22:01

How many flowergirls is she having in total? And how big is the wedding?
And what is your daughter relationship like with her auntie who is the bride - are they close?

At my wedding I had lots of conversations with the flowergirls mums to arrange dress fittings, hair do's, planning timings etc. Same when my daughters were flowergirls for others - even though these were for my husbands relatives, it was me who took them to fittings, who was with my daughters on the wedding day getting them ready with the bridal party etc. Sorry to be blunt, it may be due to your relationship with the bride that they haven't been invited, as the bride doesn't want to have to liase with you, have you around on morning of wedding, its nothing against your children.

My girls have each been a flowergirl once, at seperate weddings. Oldest for the uncle who is her godfather and youngest for another uncle who is her godfather. Each time I had the other moan about not being one, but each time they only wanted 2 flowergirls, so they had 1 from each family. It was a lot of standing round and posing for photos, and I think the 1 that wasn't actually had more fun as had more freedom. I made a big deal of 'X has to wear what she us told by the bride in boring old white, but you get to come shopping with mummy and pick your own dress, shoes etc in whatever colour you want'. I know you are feeling frustrated about it but your 2 choices are

  • get DP to have a word and either bride may stick with her choice and you will be even more annoyed, or may change her mind but you will know only its only as pushed into it
  • leave it, and make a big fuss to your daughter about how much fun you will have picking out her outfit
geoger · 24/02/2024 22:06

Your DP has to speak to his sister and stand up for his dc. That’s really mean to exclude one child when all the other little girls will be flower girls.
Also why didn’t your SIL want to buy your son a kilt?

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/02/2024 22:09

If you won't state the reason then it must be a big one

Ans even if outs you - you have name changed so .....

HeadsShouldersTitsandArse · 24/02/2024 22:10

Its a bit shit but from what I can see:

  1. you don’t get on well.
  2. Your partner hasn’t taken his own initiative to bring it up anyway, you shouldn’t need to voice it to him.. he should be asking his own questions, they’re his kids too.
  3. your say the other child are either her own/step, or from her sister. - this is probably why she doesn’t feel as close in relationship (ignoring any conflict you tel have) I wonder if there is an element of feeling closer to the offspring of the blood relative who births the children, not so much the father of, albeit still being blood related to the children.. if that makes sense.

But at the end of the day it’s their wedding, they can include and exclude whoever they like. Children have beautifully innocent minds, if you’re making conflict about them not being included.. they’re going to feel excluded and upset. Just don’t make a fuss. No one is entitled to be part of someone’s wedding. Tell DD that she could only have X amount of flower girls, and you’ll take her shopping to find a nice dress, she’ll be included in group photos no doubt, and she’ll get to dance and throw confetti.. let her know all the nice things she’ll be doing on the day rather that what she’s not included in.

LovelyTheresa · 24/02/2024 22:12

I'm really surprised at the harsh responses to the OP. I think the bride is being a mean girl bridezilla, and I think that her brother needs to have a word with her. I would be telling him that if he was willing to let his bitch sister use his kids to pointscore he is being a poor father. People are assuming that the OP is the difficult one, but I'm not a fan of brides who make a big drama about 'my day'.

PrimalOwl10 · 24/02/2024 22:14

Op hasn't told anyone the details of the fall out. Their relationship isn't very good. Op has said her dd is only 5 an challenging age no mention of the other cousins and what ages they are. She is naturally closer to her sisters children and her sisters are brisesmaids and will assist the flower girls on the day.

Hermittrismegistus · 24/02/2024 22:15

People are assuming that the OP is the difficult one, but I'm not a fan of brides who make a big drama about 'my day'

Of course OP is the difficult one. It's the OP that is making a big drama about someone else's special day!

PlanningTowns · 24/02/2024 22:15

Let your partner go alone and stay home with the kids - not worth any of this drama and probably best all round of you don’t get on with her. Your daughter and son are then not subjected to any of it.

as others have said having a 5yo flower girl means that a parent (most likely you) will need to be on hand when getting ready etc. I wouldn’t want someone I don’t get on with being part of the wedding preparations (and someone who will probably sit there with a face like thunder). So it’s not about wanting your child to feel excluded but the logistics of you being there Most likely. I wonder if your invite (I mean you not your children) is to ‘keep the peace’ if you really don’t get on that well

tomago · 24/02/2024 22:15

PrimalOwl10 · 24/02/2024 21:53

A 5 year old is hardwork for a start,her sisters can keep an eye on their own children as they are bridesmaids.

Very good point

Happyandglorious98 · 24/02/2024 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tomago · 24/02/2024 22:18

Tbh I think you should come down with covid or food poisoning and not be able to go. You'll sit there with a face on.

PrimalOwl10 · 24/02/2024 22:19

Shes only turned 5. What are the ages of the other dc?

Greeksummer · 24/02/2024 22:21

It’s horrible to exclude one niece and their Dad should know to speak up for them without needing to be prompted.

I’m guessing there’s a bigger issue than just not getting on. Are you civil to each other at least? Do your kids have a good relationship with their Aunty?

LovelyTheresa · 24/02/2024 22:22

Hermittrismegistus · 24/02/2024 22:15

People are assuming that the OP is the difficult one, but I'm not a fan of brides who make a big drama about 'my day'

Of course OP is the difficult one. It's the OP that is making a big drama about someone else's special day!

I don't see it that way. Of course the little girl is going to be upset that all her cousins are in pretty white dresses and she is the odd one out. The bride is a grown up, and the little girl's aunt. She should put her feelings about the OP to one side on this one. I also think that if OP's partner doesn't stick up for his daughter, that is a problem. Own family always trumps FOO in my world.