Wedding problems?

[Happyandglorious98]

Name changed for this.

my boyfriends sister is getting married at the end of the year she offered to pay for all the men’s kilts now my son didn’t get mentioned so I asked my partner if my son was to wear a kilt as the rest of the nephews had one.
she said it would be better but she would not be paying for this so my partner offered to pay for this and he has.

my daughter also today I found out all of her young nieces are either flower girls or bridesmaids no a thing has been mentioned regarding my daughter about her been anything at this wedding.

should I mention this to my partner or just leave it to be clear we are not each others biggest fans that’s a different story but surely you don’t use that excuse and leave the kids out?

Now the older kids are not bridesmaids at this wedding I would say all the kids under 9 are bridesmaids or flower girls expect from mine?

I feel absolutely raged at this I’m not sure what to do or say as I always end up the bad one and I understand it’s not my wedding and I don’t pick and choose but surely you don’t just leave a 5year old out and the rest be involved?

3 , 4 , 7, 8,9

ive just spoke to my partner we have just decided not to go and I’ll do something fun with the kids that day 🥰

It does sound unfair, however she could be doing this because she doesn’t want you there and is hoping that you will flounce and not attend. What you do is attend with a smile on your face, dress your children in wedding attire of your choice. When the other guests and family enquire why your children weren’t included in the wedding party, just smile and say they weren’t asked you’ll have to ask SIL why.

Are you sure you can’t resolve this amicably? Maybe your DP should speak with his sister first before deciding not to go to the wedding.
Not going could lead to a massive fall out and if they’re close like you say they are it would be a real shame

I think it's shit to leave your daughter out. Your DP should be asking his sister why.

You say you don't get on, how much involvement does the bride have to have with you on the day - surely the other bridesmaids could watch your daughter till after the ceremony if the issue is you would need to be there for getting in ready etc

Unless given your lack of relationship you've stopped your kids from seeing their Aunt.

Absolutely, not attending would be playing completely into the brides hands, that's what she wants but doesn't want to look bad by not inviting them. This way she can say 'I would have loved to have them there, but OP stopped my brother from coming'. Plus it saves the bride money.
I would go, put my best 'I'm an amazing person, having a great time, oh no, of course I don't mind about my daughter not being a flowergirl, she wasn't fussed about being one, she has been 1 so many times she is getting a bit bored of all the fuss tbh' face on and show her you dint give a sh1t about what she thinks

That sounds like the best plan. I'm glad that your partner isn't on board with his sister using kids to play her stupid little popularity contest. It is very highschool behaviour. Ignore people saying 'it's a pity to cause a rift': it doesn't sound as if the relationship is worth keeping up, anyway,

I’ve never stopped them seeing any of my kids! She is a lot closer to her sisters kids

I voiced to my partner that he should just go
instead of the 4 of us he said he will not be attending if I don’t go I really don’t want him missing out on his sisters wedding I have asked just not to voice it to her at all and leave it as it stands and if I do end up decide to go I will find her a lovely dress a princess one she likes ❤️

i am in now 2 minds two just put a different outfit on my son instead of the kilt but I’m a bit confused incase that makes me look a bit petty

I love this ❤️

Best advice n the thread.

I agree with you OP even if the bride doesn't like you she apparently loves her only brother. You would have thought then that she would have included his children in the wedding party unless of course she never sees them or doesn't have any sort of relationship with them? I can't see where you've mentioned this, if you have.
You've made the right decision though, taking your children to a wedding where they're clearly not welcome in the same capacity as the other kids would have been awful.
Enjoy your day with them elsewhere.

Definitely go, totally be the bigger person. They will see her as the one with issue not you It will also show that you don’t give two shits!!! This will totally piss her off in a way and you can sip your Prosecco with a subtle smirk on your face.

ive just spoke to my partner we have just decided not to go and I’ll do something fun with the kids that day

Seriously ?
A few post prior to this you claimed your boyfriend and his sister "get on great", yet you are seriously now talking about him missing her wedding because of what dress your little will or won't be wearing ?

I'm beginning to see why the bride isn't so keen on you.

This is what changes everything and should have been in your OP

YOur partner's sister sounds unkind. I'm sorry.

It sounds like bride doesn't want to deal with you so hasn't included your children. You can't have an acrimonious relationship with someone and expect them to be all peaches and cream with your children. Particularly as you would have had to take the kids to fittings etc (I doubt your OH would do that).

I don't understand why your partner doesn't speak to his sister and ask why your kids have been left out ?

It seems your SIL doesn't want to deal with you , doesn't want to keep asking if your DD is available for picking dresses , fittings , finding shoes ect . It's probably more to do with your relationship with her .
Yes it's mean to leave out a 5 year old but it's the bride's choice. Just buy her a nice dress . After the wedding she will be running around with her cousins and they will all have pretty dresses.
Not going just going to fuel the fire between and frankly make you look just as petty as she's being.

So not EVERYONE is involved. What has age got to do with it?

Ime what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, especially if your children are old enough to clock the exclusion. So she should, in this instance have all or none. I think your partner should address it, too. Do you think it's from spite or some sort of oversight/blind spot? People can be a bit one track about weddings and forget the bigger picture.

Ironically, NO children in the wedding party was our (especially my) hill to die on - we have 3 aged 3-5 across both the family (both sides) on grounds of not liking the idea but also it was about fairness. When I was being pressured to include the 5yo 2nd/3rd cousin on my side as a flower girl, we refused because a) I didn't want it and b) we didn't think it was fair to DHs side to not then have his little 3yo niece who we didn't include for many reasons but also because we just didn't want that. Took my mum awhile to realise that what she was proposing was going to look very onesided and maybe mean to DHs family on the day. And to be really fair we'd have to include the 5yos 3yo brother as a page boy. Also unwanted. No one else had any issue with us saying adult only because it covered all 3 equally.

I do agree that "logistics" mentioned upthread and having you be there makes things trickier but as long as all parents have the outfits I've never understood why children can't be met at the venue and slotted in last minute. We certainly didn't want 3 little ones underfoot for ages and it's not fair on the children / a lot of faff for what is basically a photo op.

My DP took my som for his fittings for the kilt already himself.

It’s not even that I put alot of like Spanish outfits and things on my daughter and always hand them to my partner to give to his sister I gave her 2 bin bags full couple month back to give her so we’re not completely on bad terms we do be civil and say hi n things at events but wouldn’t sit and have a proper chat I do try make an effort but why should I now not doing anything anymore to try and please anyone

My daughter is 5 and would be so upset in these circumstances. I have no advice OP but solidarity. Your SIL is behaving horribly.

Well because in your first post it wasn’t clear if they children were your boyfriends as you referred to them as “my” son and daughter!

You need to say "our son and our daughter" you keep saying "my son, my daughter". That's why people are getting confused.

Issue is we don’t know the actual issue of why they do not get on. It could be trivial it could be huge it could be both or one of the parties behaving badly.