Do you allow your 17-year-old to…

[Topray]

Have completely unrestricted and unsupervised phone access (so not even having to leave phone downstairs at nighttime)

Work part-time if still at school or college.

Learn to drive (either self-funded from wages or with parental help)

Travel in a car driven by a 17-year-old

Stay overnight at the home of a friend you do not know

Use public transport alone at night

Regulate their own sleep, even if this means getting out of bed at 3pm on a weekend

Stay home alone overnight or for multiple days

Be out and about without you know really knowing exactly where they are at any given moment

"Allow"??

Wtf. They're 17. I was at university at 17 with a part time job.

Very similar to@MichaelAndEagle as long as the 17 year old had been driving for a few months, I.e., not if they’d passed their test last week.

During the school week, we used an app that would shut phones off at a specified time. Some of her friends had tracking apps on their phones, we discussed it with DD and decided that none of us were comfortable with it so we didn’t use one.

Now, she’s at uni a three-hour plane ride away so we have no idea what she’s up to! If she hadn’t gradually built up to independence, she might not have settled in well as she has.

Yes to all. Although I’d holler at him to get his butt out of bed before 3pm (if I’d noticed, which I wouldn’t always).

Mine were all 18 when they started uni/foundation years

I knew there would be no replies from the OP.

On the off chance this is real - your 17 year-old has already done all these things. They just haven’t told you.

Yes to all except public transport (because there is none here). He has taken Ubers on his own and with friends.

he’d do it all whether I let him or not.

Yes to all of it. From 16 would train back from London, i would collect from station
But yes to everything else

Yes. And my 16yo.

Yes to all except travel in a car with anyone under 21 unless I say ok. He is also not allowed to drive with his friends as passengers.

Yes to all. He does tell us roughly where he's going or who hes out with as that's just considerate when living at home.

Yes to all except leaving them alone overnight. I didn't do that until they were 18.

They were very good about asking me if they could travel in a newly qualified drivers car. IME the newly qualified drivers are more cautious and careful than the ones who have been driving for a while.

Travelling alone on public transport at night would depend on what time and when. Mostly I'd try to pick them up in the car.

17 year old, and 2 almost 16 year olds here. Have answered for the 17 year old.

Have completely unrestricted and unsupervised phone access (so not even having to leave phone downstairs at nighttime)
Yes.

Work part-time if still at school or college.
Yes. Works about 8 hours a week.

Learn to drive (either self-funded from wages or with parental help)
Yes. Is learning to drive. We are paying for lessons. We decided to tell all our kids that we will pay for driving lessons when they want to learn to drive - this is intended to remove some of the urgency of feeling they have to do it at 17 and that they don't skimp on lessons (and we are in the fortunate position of being able to afford it).

Travel in a car driven by a 17-year-old
Yes. Nervous about this, of course!

Stay overnight at the home of a friend you do not know
Yes, but would want to know address etc. Hasn't come up. DD has has the same inner circle since she was 12, so in fortunate position of knowing all the kids (and parents) fairly well.

Use public transport alone at night
Yes, though would offer to pick up if unhappy. In practice hasn't come up due to where we live.

Regulate their own sleep, even if this means getting out of bed at 3pm on a weekend
Yes.

Stay home alone overnight or for multiple days
Yes. Has only happened in practice for one night, but would be happy with more if it arose.

Be out and about without you know really knowing exactly where they are at any given moment
Yes, though in practice we are in touch a fair bit throughout the day.

The aim at this age is scaffolding for adulthood. That means a level of autonomy and risk that isn't always comfortable as a parent. It's our job to sit in that discomfort (and also recognise the times when it is our job to step in/come up with alternatives). It's not easy!

Yes to all of those. My twins are 16, 17 in a couple of months and I haven't left them home alone overnight yet. But they're already doing the rest and I left my eldest when too she was 17.

I think all of that is pretty normal expectations for a 17yo.

Minus the mobile phone (I had a phone, but smart phones were still a fair few years off), I was certainly doing all those things by that age, and I'd consider my upbringing to be fairly sheltered.

I let my 16yo do most of that, obviously minus the driving yet and he doesn't have a part time job as he has GCSEs coming up and I'd rather him focus on studying, he does however do volunteering relating to a hobby once a week. I haven't actually left him overnight yet but I'd be fine doing so I think.

I let my DD go out on her own, knock for her friends and play in the street around the corner outside her friend's house regularly when she was 6 yo. I am fully in support of letting children have independence and I believe that by keeping them under wraps, we are removing their ability to resolve issues and make judgements on situations that they encounter for themselves.

Exactly this.

And yes to everythijg in the op too. She does all of that.

She'll (fingers crossed!) be going to university in a few months time when she'll need to have developed the skills and experience to manage herself and live independently.

The only rule we really have know is that she let's me know if she's not coming home to sleep.

She's confident, capable and responsible. She's also no longer a child.

My 16.5 year old DS is allowed (or will be allowed) to do all of those things- though like many others I’m not looking forward to him being driven by other 17 year olds!
I am curious as to the motive behind the question though- is this a parent trying to set boundaries, a 17 year old trying to show their parents what’s ‘normal’, a young adult questioning their parent’s methods in hindsight- or some sort of journalist?

MN is a funny/hypocritical place on threads like this, on one hand you'll be told yabu for not letting your 15 year old share a bed with their bf/gf as they are adults. Or yabu for not demanding your 14 yo be home at a certain time.

And then the same posters will call 25 yo men creeps for sleeping with 21 yo women as ''21 year olds are still kids''.

Likewise it depends on the gender, I've seen threads where a poster said her 16 year old son was messaging a young female teacher in his school and it was flirty and the op was told to mind her own business as he was pretty much a man...

Yet on the next thread men in their 20s who sleep with a 19 yo female are crucified...

I've literally never seen anyone here call a 25 year old a creep for dating a 21 year old. You're massively exaggerating there.

no I'm not. I have seen these comments before on mn. There was even threads on mn about the 16 year old darts player dating the woman in her 20s and many posters defended it saying it was ok because he looked and acted older or that it was their own business....

When men do this in reverse gender situations mn is up in arms. The levels of hypocrisy and double standards on mn is massive.

Re the 16 yo sending flirty messages to their teacher- I find it hard to believe a majority of MNers told that poster to mind their own business. I can imagine one or two replies like that but would expect the majority of replies to be concerned.

Any links?

Really? Don't act so obtuse to say you haven't seen these comments/threads. There was a wave of them about the darts player dating the older woman months back and many posters said it was ok.

And then the same posters will call 25 yo men creeps for sleeping with 21 yo women as ''21 year olds are still kids''.

I agree That no one would or has on MN ever called a 25 year old man a creep for dating a 21 year old.

26 and 19 maybe. 27 and 18 definitely. 25 and 21 never. You're exaggerating which diminishes your point.

Also, different people are responding to different posts which is why you get a range of opinions.