Do you allow your 17-year-old to…

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Have completely unrestricted and unsupervised phone access (so not even having to leave phone downstairs at nighttime)

Work part-time if still at school or college.

Learn to drive (either self-funded from wages or with parental help)

Travel in a car driven by a 17-year-old

Stay overnight at the home of a friend you do not know

Use public transport alone at night

Regulate their own sleep, even if this means getting out of bed at 3pm on a weekend

Stay home alone overnight or for multiple days

Be out and about without you know really knowing exactly where they are at any given moment

I've never seen anyone sy that it's OK for 15 year olds to share a bed either 🤷🏻‍♀️

17, yes; 15, no.

My children were allowed to do all that at 17 but I did like to know where they were when they went out In the evening.

Yes to it all.

I was living alone in a different city at university at 17. People need to stop babying older teenagers.

Yes to all, she's 18 now but yes at 17.

Yep

Yes to all .

I have and the consensus being that they'll do it anyway so best they do it under your roof...

And yes this being said about 15 yos.

Yes to all when I was 17 tho I drove everywhere from passing my test. I have a DS, so will be encouraging him to do the same and intend buying a tank for him to drive.

@LindaHamilton

Gender plays a massive part in thread responses on mn. Very relevant.

It's not relevant at all when you are trying to compare a 16 & 21 year old with a 21 & 25 year old though. If you want to make comparisons and use gender as the argument compare similar ages because a 25 year old dating a 21 year old is absolutely nothing like a 16 year old dating a 21 year old.

Yes to all of it , he's a good teen

I did all this at 17.

I will let ds when he's 17, but I don't think he'll want to, given his current desire to stay in his room all the time. His younger sister has more life experience. She's 12 and already planning when she can have her girls' holiday!

Yes- reflecting on my own teenage years

Yep to all of those when DS was 17.

Would you allow it all the day they turn 18?

Thanks for replying- I hope this thread is helpful for you.

Yes to all of that. They knew if they got into difficulty they could always phone.
In a few months they would be at uni and you’d have know knowledge of what they were doing.

The aim at this age is scaffolding for adulthood.

That’s a great way of putting it, @danesch . We parents have to remember that from a legal perspective, everything changes on their 18th birthday. From that day onwards, they’re legally adults and we can’t access their financial, medical or educational information without their permission; we can’t prevent them from traveling anywhere they want, etc.

Even if it makes us uncomfortable, we have to prepare them to function as adults, or it’s a huge shock on their 18th. DD (18) was taken aback that she had to grant me permission to view her uni information-and even with her permission, I can still only access the tuition info, not her classes and grades.…of course, the uni doesn’t mind parents paying for things. 🤣

Yes to all apart from being left alone for multiple days.
I’ve spent a lot of time, effort and money renovating my house and don’t want it trashed, so wouldn’t leave alone for multiple days as would dread coming and finding my home ruined, by careless teenagers and friends.

I agree with the scaffolding comment.

I think the main takeaway from the thread is that you need the trust and good communication embedded way before fourteen years because once they start building independence and you can’t physically control them or influence them to the same extent that you did, say, when they were eight years old : it’s your relationship that will stop them going off the rails when they are away from you, and if your expectations are clear, they won’t want to disappoint you.

Secondly, imho, it’s really important to ensure as best you can that their peers are “good” kids with involved parents (if possible who you know) because the influence of their peers becomes increasingly important during adolescence and that’s when they start to establish their own values and independence. And you want those values to be positive and not destructive.

I presumed that scaffolding of these freedoms and this independence was implied.

My daughter has had increasong freedoms since lockdown ended when she was 14/15, which means that now I am confident she can manage that which she is given.

Greater freedoms will come when she turns 17, but, without prior experience, she would have found it very difficult to manage if shed been given all fredoms akd independenceon the day of her 18th birthday.

That's what my parents did and it was untenable.

it’s your relationship that will stop them going off the rails when they are away from you, and if your expectations are clear, they won’t want to disappoint you.

Yes. Not just that but they understand the reasons for the expectations too. They can begin to make decisions with increasing maturity and based upon experience rather than its becaise what mum and dad have told them to do and it's unfair.

Yes - my 17 did all this except being driven in a car by another 17 year old (none of her friends drove although a 19 year old did).

Why? Because she joined the Navy at 18 years and 1 month old, I’d have done her no favours babying her at 17.

Have completely unrestricted and unsupervised phone access (so not even having to leave phone downstairs at nighttime) YES

Work part-time if still at school or college.YES

Learn to drive (either self-funded from wages or with parental help)YES

Travel in a car driven by a 17-year-oldNO

Stay overnight at the home of a friend you do not knowNO

Use public transport alone at nightNO

Regulate their own sleep, even if this means getting out of bed at 3pm on a weekendYES

Stay home alone overnight or for multiple daysNO

Be out and about without you know really knowing exactly where they are at any given momentNO

She chooses not to do those things. In this day and age I want to keep my child safe, so I want her to feel that she can call me anytime day or night.. I trust her more than most parents.

Yes to all for my now 20yo DS and 19yo DD1. My 16.5yo DD2 is another matter entirely. It is and will be a big no to all of those!