Anonymous FB messages

[BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam]

My ex and I broke up in 2022, when our little one was born. Things were quite volatile between us for a few months, a lot of arguing. However we've not spoken for well over a year.

Since the middle of last year, I've received a couple of anonymous Facebook messages, from two different accounts with different names, no profile pic etc.

The first one was along the lines of "Paul (not real name) has moved on, they've bought a house together, time for you to step back".

The latest one, last week was "Paul's got what he always wanted, a little boy, Oscar, time for you to disappear and let him move on with his family".

I don't speak to my ex at all and haven't done for over a year, bar the odd text mesaage in regards to our child. All contact with our child is done by him picking her up from nursery, keeping her overnight and dropping back to nursery the next day. I know nothing of his life these days however after the latest message, I did a bit of digging and it turns out he has had a kid, born recently. It rankled a little as our kid isn't even 2 yet, but we certainly weren't ever going to get back together, so whatever.

I'm actually feeling really unsettled by these messages. I don't know who is sending them, him? The new woman? We don't have mutual friends. I don't have anything to do with him so why would I care if he's bought a house and had a baby with someone.

Would I be unreasonable to go to the police about these messages? It's creeping me out knowing that there is someone who is contacting me but that I don't know who they are. Would the police even act and trace who it is and tell them to back off? I feel really....I don't know....invaded.

For me the concern is he's made enormous changes in your DD's life without even letting you know so you can support her with the changes. This to me is not a father who is putting his DD first. Also due to these messages which presumably are from your DD's step mother I would have concern as to how she is treating your DD. You say she is with her father but you don't actually know this. She could be alone with her step mother. You say your DD sleeps in a cot in her father's room but this is not necessarily the case now there is a new baby. It's a tricky situation, but I'd be inclined to speak to the grandmother. I wouldn't let him being angry stop you doing something for the welfare of your DD. I'd also go back to one night because a new baby on the scene is hardly a stable time to start increasing contact.

This would worry me too and I'd seriously question where your child is going and staying? It irks me a bit that you know so little about his home life when your daughter is going there to stay.

This person sounds a little nuts and they potentially have access to your child. From the message, and if it is the new woman, it seems like they have issue with your daughter and are suggesting she's unwanted.

I'd speak to your ex and get to the bottom of it.

I don't think he would be cheating on her if things are hunky dory between them and they will be as i believe they've only been together 18 months ish max. So not much time for things to turn to shit and for him to then go looking elsewhere, in amongst buying a house together, having a baby etc..

He did message other women while I was pregnant/when our daughter was only a few weeks old, however we weren't together at that point, things had already hit the rocks with us and he was merely staying 3 or 4 nights a week with me to help with the newborn days. I do now know that the woman he was messaging when our little one was weeks old is the woman that he's now with, i recall seeing a message pop up from her on his phone when we were sitting in a cafe after having gotten a grocery shop from morrisons and our DD was around 6/8 weeks old at that point.. Not that I think that messaging other women while he was sitting in my house or out with me and his newborn daughter was acceptable, regardless of our relationship status, as he knew the effect it was having on me, especially at a time when I should've been able relax and be supported, being pregannt and a new mother. Personally if I had been him, I'd have been concentrating on being a new father. However we clearly have different morals and priorities.

Do you think the anonymous friend request was someone/her wanting to see your feed and to see if you’ve posted anything suggesting you are close with him ?

If it is her, I would not be comfortable leaving a young child with her. I’d see it as a protection issue.

As I've already said, I assumed that our daughter was going to our old shared house when he had her, he didn't let on otherwise. So I'm not sure why you're irked by me when this entire change of circumstances has been hidden from me and I was under the impression that she was at home with her father.

We did initially speak about things before we went very low contact with one another bar essential messages regaridng our daighter and I said that I had some stipulations, one of which being that no new partners be introduced until things are serious between them, for me that would've been around the 2 year mark. He said that he would respect that. I certainly didn't expect him to have moved in with a partner and have given my daughter a sibling before she was even 2 years old.

I think that perhaps because I changed my settings to only allowing friends to message me, that the person wanted to send me a message hence the friend request, which if accepted, would allow them to do so.

Well this is my main concern - these are massive changes in a childs life, especially a 1 year old who can't understand what's going on and he has chosen the easiest path, keeping it all hush hush, instead of being honest with me, as awkward as it may be, explaining that he's already had another baby with someone while our child is still only 1 year old.

I messaged him a month or two back saying that she had been unsettled the past couple of times she had returned to me and that I was concerned that the increase in nights was what was unsettling her. He still chose to say nothing at that point, instead blaming her being unsettled on potentially a growth spurt.

This, for me too.

Logic suggests it is his new partner and that she resents ex’s periods of contact with OP’s child, or having the child in her home. From a safeguarding perspective, this sets off alarm bells. I would not allow him to take our child unless he can confirm that new partner is treating my child well and that she is not at risk there.

I would now change privacy settings on FB too.

He doesn’t want to risk bringing drama in? Is that a joke? He’s got two babies under two with two different women! First woman doesn’t know the second woman and second baby existed until an anonymous message a few days ago! First woman has no idea where any of these people live. I’d say he FUCKING LOVES drama wouldn’t you?

Yeah, I see your point. If the woman is decent, and cares about her granddaughter then it's a shame she's not a better ally.

My mind is blown. You are not safeguarding your daughter. You have no idea who she is spending time with and where. Is he leaving her alone with others? Does the new woman have a peado brother/father/nephew....is she a frigging peado herself? Is she sending the messages? Does she resent your baby? Is she being cruel on the sly? Is she neglectful of your baby's emotional well being? This is insane!!

What do you expect OP to do?

If she refuses contact and goes to court the ex partner will be awarded contact, a lot of what you have typed is 'what if' nonsense that nobody knows.

Benicebenicebenice Stop blaming OP for her ex's behaviour. He has parental responsibility.

BaaBaaBlackSheepOfTheFam I think I would show the messages to your ex and express concern. Unless you think there is any possibility he is using stories about you to make her jealous?

Have you actually read my posts or are you just enjoying frothing on? I only found out about this whole situation a few days ago. My daughter hasn't spent time with him since. So where you're getting your wild assertions from, I have no idea.

I would feel unsettled by these messages too.

Also, if he picks your daughter up from nursery and keeps her overnight, wouldn't you want to know his home set up so that you know who is around your child?
He literally has another child (a half sibling to your child) and you didn't know.

If it was my daughter, I would want to know who else lived in the place where she was staying

Sorry to hear you're going through this.

My prediction it the other woman and she was on the scene when you split it before. She knows she can't trust him and is worried that he will go back to you.

Professional job or not she can still be mean to your daughter. Keep an eye on this. She is jealous of your daughter and that you still have contact with him even if it's only the occasional text.

Speak to him and show him the messages. Hopefully he will tell her and she stops contacting you. Looks like she doesn't have access to his phone or she would have snooped and seen you are not seeing each other.

You only found out a few days ago, so before that you admit you had no idea where she was staying and who your ex was spending time with. You say he hid it from you, you as the child's mother have a responsibility to her to make it your business, to know where she is and whose company.

.

This.

My db split acrimoniously from his wife and they had a four year old son. He had remarried quickly to a woman with two teenagers so no stranger to children herself. This woman and her teenage daughter treated my nephew terribly (he told us shocking things as he got older). Second wife did all the things like refuse to let first wife know their new address, sent her nasty messages etc First wife rightly refused to let her ds go somewhere she didn't know the address for, so they had to tell her in the end. Second wife was extremely jealous of my db's relationship with his son (again, we are talking people in their 40's who should have known better). Second marriage didn't last long, thank goodness, for my nephew's sake. I would log a complaint with the police and I would go to court to arrange official maintenance and contact and get CAFCAS? involved if you are worried about the welfare of your daughter, they represent the interests of the child. Someone close to your ex is threatening you and I'm guessing it's his new woman, I certainly wouldn't be letting my child go into such an unknown situation.

Could he be having an affair and using you as an excuse to get out of the house?

Or has he saved someone else's number under your name, so when he's texting other woman, your name comes up, and now she's getting suspicious?

Personally, I would be tempted to write back and be polite etc, just ask what they mean and who they are talking about. You'll have your answer pretty sharpish.

You think the op should police where her daughter's Dad goes and who with?

And how do you suggest she does this?

Op well done for managing this really tricky situation. It sounds like a nightmare.

I think a lot of posters here are clueless about the system and maybe imagine Father's have no rights.

He genuinely hates drama. Just wants a quiet life. I could be wildly surmising here but this woman that he's with is around 44/45. Speaking to a friend about the whole situation, I'm guessing that she's deliberately "accidentally" got herself pregnant (his fault as well, he's aware of condoms) due to age and it being last chance saloon for her. I think he's panicked, buried his head in the sand and just sailed along with the entire situation.

Not that it's any excuse, what he's done is shit, he's a shit to his very core. I can't imagine not telling your 1 year old child's resident parent about all of these changes to her life. But I think that's what's happened.