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Subtle way to tell family members not to bring dog to my home around newborn

127 replies

Camcam · 23/02/2024 10:47

Hi all,
DGM and DGF have a boisterous lapdog which yaps, jumps up on furniture and tries to chew toys. They take it on daily walks close by a farm so it usually has muddy paws and long hair.

I previously was living with DF (paying board) who is a dog lover so couldn’t make any comment when they used to bring the dog around almost daily. Now I have my own place and feel very irritated when they bring the dog around. I have to go around sterilising ds toys afterwards and cleaning the floors/furniture as it leaves so much hair around. I’ve made some not so subtle hints for them to leave the dog at home but they say she can’t be left alone as she gets anxious.

I’m due in a few weeks and having a c section (single parent) so absolutely do not want the dog. DGM and DGF are wonderful and come over often and will be wanting to visit the new baby. Does anyone have advice on how to tell them the dog isn’t allowed in without miffing them? 😫
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Patrickiscrazy · 25/02/2024 10:24

OP, you don't have to be subtle. Be very clear.

caringcarer · 25/02/2024 10:39

I've got 2 dogs and only take them to someone else's s house if they are specifically invited. They just stay home. I take them for a walk first then when they get home they snooze.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/02/2024 10:50

Just say no dogs Op!

and if they have any issues with that then fuck them

rookiemere · 25/02/2024 10:54

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/02/2024 10:50

Just say no dogs Op!

and if they have any issues with that then fuck them

Yeah f**k them and their free childcare!
Oh wait ......

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/02/2024 10:57

devildeepbluesea · 23/02/2024 10:55
**
It’s up to you as to whether you allow dogs in your home but believe it or not, people with dogs also have babies. They don’t tend to sterilise toys on a daily basis and most of the babies are still alive.”

Young children and dogs are a bad idea full stop. Nothing to do with hygiene. Toddlers are too young to understand how to behave properly with dogs which leads to the risk of the child being bitten, whatever the breed, and a miserable time for the dog.

Hedgerow2 · 25/02/2024 11:13

@Dancingontheedge - I see you've toned down your generalisation and now refer to 'most' dog owners. But no, I'm not aware how oblivious most dog owners are because, like you, I don't know most dog owners.

RampantIvy · 25/02/2024 11:21

devildeepbluesea · 23/02/2024 10:55

It’s up to you as to whether you allow dogs in your home but believe it or not, people with dogs also have babies. They don’t tend to sterilise toys on a daily basis and most of the babies are still alive.

Yes they do, but they chose to have both. If you are a dog free household then it is entirely understandable to not want dogs in the house.

mydamnfootstuckinthedoor · 25/02/2024 11:30

No point in being subtle - dog owners just don't get it. Just tell them outright - although do be prepared for them to tell you that the dog is "a member of their family" and that if dog doesn't come, neither do they. I've been there with doggy relatives.

Bordesleyhills · 25/02/2024 11:50

The dogs aren’t used to a baby and I don’t want them fighting with each other or getting jealous of the baby so it’s better they don’t come

TheBayLady · 25/02/2024 12:00

Just say no ! Please set your boundries and stick to them, It is your job to protect your child so learn to say no.

Nanny0gg · 25/02/2024 12:06

ginasevern · 23/02/2024 12:32

Did you wrap the baby in sterilised bubble wrap with a separate oxygen supply as well?

No shoes is perfectly reasonable

ttcat37 · 25/02/2024 12:07

5 weeks post c section here. I said to my DM “I’m only bringing the baby over if you shut that dickhead dog away”. She was too desperate to see the baby to care. She had 9 months notice to train the dog not to be a dickhead and did fuck all so here we are.

Dancingontheedge · 25/02/2024 12:17

Hedgerow2 · 25/02/2024 11:13

@Dancingontheedge - I see you've toned down your generalisation and now refer to 'most' dog owners. But no, I'm not aware how oblivious most dog owners are because, like you, I don't know most dog owners.

Well that was the part you objected to, so I changed it for you.
Subtle doesn’t work with dog owners.
Or they think their dog should be the exception to the rule.
Or that others are being ridiculous about saying ‘No dogs’ and if only they are given the right arguments such as already offered on this thread, then suddenly The Light will dawn and they will understand how very special dogs are in every way and not deny them anything.
So just tell them no dogs and keep saying it. And do t let them in if they turn up with the dog. Yes, they will think you are meeeaaan. But you make the decisions for your baby and your home.

fiftiesmum · 25/02/2024 12:20

It would depend on the dog - my sister took her very quiet and small dog to see new grandchild and baby's parents quite happy - whole family are doctors and of the mind that pets can be beneficial to health (allergy reduction).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/02/2024 12:35

Camcam · 23/02/2024 11:06

Thanks all, I’m going to have to be blunt. My fault as I should have told them from the start.

I feel bad as they have been very helpful with babysitting Ds1 when I have had some last minute growth scans recently during this pregnancy so have not been able to say anything when they bring the dog over on these occasions.

Will have a chat with them in advance. Hopefully they don’t get too miffed. Thanks again :)

I think it is very sad that you feel guilty about asking them for something so simple when you have a perfectly valid reason for not having the dog in the house.
You will have had major surgery and won't be able to cope with the mess that the dog leaves.

Just because they have helped in the past doesn't mean you can never say anything to them that they won't like, or be firm about something you don't want to happen... You don't have to back date your requests! Situations change all the time and a new baby and elective cesarian are BIG changes and they ought to recognise that! Its not a lack of respect or gratitude and It doesn't mean you hate them or the dog. If they choose to take offense instead, you have to educate them.

They wanted to help you and you were grateful and thanked them. That is the end of the transaction. Otherwise it was conditional help with a price tag and the cost is now too high. Them helping you out doesn't mean you have to submerge your own wants and feelings about anything they impose on you from now on.
You are a mother and you have to stand up for your baby's needs and your needs. No one else will. It's not a question of guilt or gratitude, it's a simple question of you organising things in the best way for your child.

In my experience it is FAR FAR better to put up with someone being offended by a perfectly reasonable request (when the alternative is them continuing to impose their will on you) when it would be a simple thing for them to simply not do it. They have to start viewing you as an adult in charge of your own life and your baby's life and not as a child who can be ordered about.

So if you ask them nicely and they are offended, put up with it but stay firm. "I am sorry if you don't like my request but I have explained that I have very good reasons for making it and must stick to it" or something along those lines. Most people, when they see you are firm and not budging will gradually just accept it and find a work around - like asking a friend to check on the dog or meeting you at a park cafe or something, and then the problem is solved. You and your baby should be higher in the pecking order than a dog for heaven's sake!

If they are difficult about it, then there is a bigger problem to address, but it will show you that they care more about their own wants and needs than yours and you can start to dismiss the guilt for standing up for yourself. As a mother there will be plenty of occasions where you have to do this and practice makes perfect.

Sorry I don't mean to sound naggy, but have been in this situation with young babies and I do understand how it can make you feel awful, but it will be such a relief for you when you do manage to deal with it to your satisfaction.

SwordToFlamethrower · 25/02/2024 12:40

Tell them in no uncertain terms, no dog in this house now, or ever.

Your house, your rules!

RampantIvy · 25/02/2024 13:26

Did you wrap the baby in sterilised bubble wrap with a separate oxygen supply as well?

What a ridiculous comment Hmm
If you are a dog free household it is not at all unreasonable to not want dogs in your house Hmm

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/02/2024 15:45

@AngelinaFibres I have and I don't like it.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/02/2024 18:35

I have been thinking about how to manage going forard in the house and have decided make it dog free for now. This will keep it acalm house for me and baby when she arrives. It may change in future but for now I'm asking everyone to leave their dogs elsewhere when they visit.
Can't what for you to meet baby..

Don't enter discussion. If it helps you, swnd a round tobin to everyone you know so that thye don't feel singled out. It's fine to say you'll review in time.. (and.then review and say you like it as it is!)

Good luck!

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 28/02/2024 18:11

I don't think my parents would bother coming to see me if they couldn't bring their dog. Some people see their dogs as a part of their family and as such might be quite bemused why you wouldn't want their dog there. I understand why you don't want a dog around your new baby, but don't be surprised if they will take it badly.
I don't like it when my brother brings his horrible child along with him as she's noisy and rude, but I wouldn't dream of telling him to leave her at home.

RampantIvy · 28/02/2024 20:38

Children aren't dogs though @SaviourofSchoolUniform.

Mintchocco · 28/02/2024 20:41

SaviourofSchoolUniform · 28/02/2024 18:11

I don't think my parents would bother coming to see me if they couldn't bring their dog. Some people see their dogs as a part of their family and as such might be quite bemused why you wouldn't want their dog there. I understand why you don't want a dog around your new baby, but don't be surprised if they will take it badly.
I don't like it when my brother brings his horrible child along with him as she's noisy and rude, but I wouldn't dream of telling him to leave her at home.

This is so ridiculous it's hard to know where to start

kitchenplans · 28/02/2024 21:28

The thing is though, when a dog is nervous and can't be left, then the dog simply can't be left. No dog owner (or indeed no decent human being) would deliberately put a dog into a situation where it's going to cause significant fear and distress. So, unless they have a source of readily available dog care, then "no dog in my house" (which the OP is perfectly entitled to stipulate) will actually, in practical terms, translate into meet ups not happening in OP's house, but instead in ddog's house or some other dog friendly venue. And GParents definitely won't be available ever for babysitting, as they can't leave the dog.

OP can 100% stipulate no dogs in her house, but she cannot, under any circumstances, expect to dictate that her Gparents leave their anxious dog alone, distressed, and the natural result of this is that meet ups can no longer happen at OP's house.

If OP is happy to put the effort in to do the travelling to GParents house (or another doggy friendly venue) for meet ups and accepts that GParents offering babysitting is now off the table in all circumstances, then she is perfectly within her rights to have a "no dogs in my house" rule. Her house, her rules and up to her to deal with the resulting consequences.

TempleOfBloom · 28/02/2024 23:26

The thing is though, when a dog is nervous and can't be left, then the dog simply can't be left.

God forbid that any dog owner should ever consider training or moderating their dogs behaviour rather than expecting everyone else to accommodate, compromise and concede.

But Dogs Behaving Badly Graham sorted out a nervous dog that ‘couldn’t be left’ quickly, kindly and effectively on a recent episode.

echt · 29/02/2024 00:45

OP, just tell them not to bring the dog around, but not what to do with it, that is their problem.

Sorted.

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