AIBU...want to catch up with some I met over 10 years agoo

[ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees]

Hi, I want to understand if I'm being weird or unreasonable and see what people think.

I meet a man about 10 years ago. We went on two dates. Didn't even kiss and he has to move country for work shortly after.

We kept in contact, occasional calls, texts initially but it died out. When he returned, he contacted me out of the blue and let me know he was back. He suggested coffee but I had a lot going on at the time so it didn't happen. He moved again a few months later but only 2 hours away.

We still keep in touch birthdays, Christmas but not in regular contact.

There wasn't any initial physical attraction and I don't see him like that but I never clicked with someone as much on my life. So much in common, great conversation, on the same page with do many thing. Some of the best conversations of my life. He's kind, intelligent, very funny. It was like we had known each other for years. We both thought so.

I really think we could had an excellent friendship and he says the same. I would love to catch up with him regularly. We are both extremely respectful to partners so I guess that's why we haven't.

I have a partner of 2 plus years. He is a fantastic guy and we are considering moving in together soon. Definitely the best relationship I've ever had and I've never really had a bad one.

He knows about the first guy. Nothing kept secret at all. He has no problem with me meeting him.

I was thinking of calling him and arranging a catch up? How do I even go about it? I don't want a romantic relationship. I have just never clicked with someone so much before.

Any thoughts?

Sorry but I would continue the loose contact and not arrange to meet. I can't see that any good will come from this.

Very happy at present. Every adoect of my life is going well at the moment. t's not romanticised at all. I don't want a relationship but we were just similar.

I thing a lot of people only have surface level conversations and basic chit chat. This was different. We could talk about everything. It's not just the dates. We spoke a lot on the phone too.

Can I ask why?

Life got busy. He was overseas. He contacted me as soon as he got back.

It sounds to me like you're doubting moving in with your current partner. I'd be rather hurt if my partner thought more about a couple of conversations a decade ago than conversations with me.

Also, being overseas is no reasons to not be in communication. I call bs.

Don't think I'm doubting moving I or at least not consciously.

I do prefer conversations with this guy than conversations with anyone else. There's no point in lying about it. It's true. They are just in another level.

Things just died out. He wasn't coming back. He invited me to visit him on a couple occasions (offered to cover flights) but the logical side of me was thinking it was insane to travel so see someone I only met her person twice so I didn't. Conversation did trickle after that and we kept it to just birthday's, Christmas etc.

It's far too easy to accidentally fall in love with a great friend - humour is very attractive. You're telling yourself that you don't see him romantically, but you did initially. And that only stopped because he moved. I think you need to not meet if you have a partner.

Fair point. I did when I agreed to go on the first date.

Has no one else ever meet someone that they just instantly connected with on very level, like you had both know each other for years. It was great fun and just so easy. We both discussed it. It was different and really hard to explain.

I would never cheat on my partner. I don't want to meet this guy to pursue anything romantic. I really don't.

I’d also suggest the timing isn’t coincidental, regardless of your conscious intent, but I think you should actually contact him. Either he doesn’t want to meet and be friends, in which case there’s no issue and you move on, or he does and either it works as a friendship or it’s clear one or both of you wants a relationship. Either way, I think better to go there than to start living with someone when your head isn’t quite in it because you’re thinking about someone else.

Yep. And they became my partner.

This sounds very intense for somebody you had two dates and spoke on the phone a bit with. I keep in touch with people I’ve dated and we meet for a drink if they’re in town, but there’s none of this “best of my life” shit going on. How would you feel if your current partner wanted to meet up with a woman he said he’d had an instant connection with and had the best and deepest conversations of his life?

@fiddlemeg Yes it pittered out after about a year or so. He was away. There wasn't any way to meet up and I suppose I tried forget about him. He was someone I briefly met, we weren't in a relationship etc. It seemed pointless at the time so I stepped back.

I never would have contacted him again only for he contacted me again years later when he returned home.

I don't want a relationship. I want our conversations back and to meet up again as friends.

Not really bored either.

I trust my partner. I don't control his friendship or his contacts. His best friend is female. They are extremely close and she's a great person. I'm sure he would probably say similar about her as I fo this guy. She's definitely a large part of his best childhood memories and teenage/college experiences. They have an breakable bond and I'm pretty sure he would describe it as a deep connection.

If he doesn't want to be with me, I'm sure he'll let me know.

I'm a bit surprised that no one seems to have anything similar or strong male friendships or even female friendships where people just "get" each other and it's like they've always know each other.

Surely life is about meaningful connections.

This isn’t a strong friendship, though, is it? It’s a man you only met twice, that being a decade ago, and appear to have been thinking and fantasising about having a brilliant connection and amazing conversations with ever since.

I have plenty of long-standing strong friendships, both with men and with women; I’m also in an open marriage, so don’t even have to worry about that aspect of things. I wouldn’t be at all happy with DH meeting up with a woman from his past who he described in the way you describe this man, and I know he wouldn’t me, either.

I do have these, but your attitude to these friendships seems different to mine — you say one of the reasons you’ve never met him again is because ‘you’re respectful to partners’.

I find the idea that opposite-sex friendships should take second place to relationships deeply odd, and if any male friend didn’t want to continue to be in touch with me because their girlfriend didn’t like it, I would think they were an idiot and not worth my time. Having said that, in 30 years of adult life with good male friendships, I’ve never had this happen.

I’ve only ‘clicked’ with people three or four times, yes it’s a very wonderful thing. I deeply love my partner but he is not one of them (it’s usually been women for me, and I’m straight). If I met a man who I had that click with I would not pursue a friendship with him because I do think it could be threatening to my relationship - it would be too easy to ‘escape’ to during any dull or difficult moments. I have many male friends, one of whom I used to be in love with, and have deep meaningful chats with. My partner’s best friend is a woman. That’s all fine with me. But I would not want either of us to get into the kind of relationship that you are describing with this man, it would lead to unhappiness.

It was a strong friendship for about 2 years. Then it died down.

It has been rebuilding since he returned home. We just haven't met up again.

I'm not sure why everyone is so against it and don't see the harm in it at all. I miss him. I don't need a friendship with him but I would like one.

I have plenty of other friends and all connect or bond over different things. This is just a case where we seem to connect at every level. He gets me. I get him. Is that really a bad thing?

I certainly don’t see any harm in it. I think you should contact him, though I also think it’s very possible it won’t be the way it was originally, a lot of water having passed under the bridge.

Thank you. This is what I mean. It's just an instant "click" with someone and yes, it is a wonderful thing.

I also love my partner and exactly the same as you, he's not one of those people but he is fantastic in so many ways. We have a great relationship but have many different perspectives on thungs but in a healthy way, yet we sometimes don't fully understand each others perspective. It's not a problem, the differences compliment each other.

I see what you are saying about the lines could easily blur but if he was female no one would every question that friendship.