AIBU...want to catch up with some I met over 10 years agoo

[ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees]

Hi, I want to understand if I'm being weird or unreasonable and see what people think.

I meet a man about 10 years ago. We went on two dates. Didn't even kiss and he has to move country for work shortly after.

We kept in contact, occasional calls, texts initially but it died out. When he returned, he contacted me out of the blue and let me know he was back. He suggested coffee but I had a lot going on at the time so it didn't happen. He moved again a few months later but only 2 hours away.

We still keep in touch birthdays, Christmas but not in regular contact.

There wasn't any initial physical attraction and I don't see him like that but I never clicked with someone as much on my life. So much in common, great conversation, on the same page with do many thing. Some of the best conversations of my life. He's kind, intelligent, very funny. It was like we had known each other for years. We both thought so.

I really think we could had an excellent friendship and he says the same. I would love to catch up with him regularly. We are both extremely respectful to partners so I guess that's why we haven't.

I have a partner of 2 plus years. He is a fantastic guy and we are considering moving in together soon. Definitely the best relationship I've ever had and I've never really had a bad one.

He knows about the first guy. Nothing kept secret at all. He has no problem with me meeting him.

I was thinking of calling him and arranging a catch up? How do I even go about it? I don't want a romantic relationship. I have just never clicked with someone so much before.

Any thoughts?

If you didn't think there was any harm in it, you wouldn't have posted. It wouldn't be a question and you'd just be meeting him

I don’t think it’s so much about how other people see it, but about your own peace of mind. If you and your partner have a disagreement next year and have to struggle through it, putting loads of effort into seeing each other’s perspective, and it’s worth it but it’s hard… wouldn’t you find that harder to do, and perhaps be less likely to give it your all, if you have a growing emotional intimacy with a man who ‘just gets you’?

Thank you. Very possible things have changed but I think I would rather know. We are on contact still albeit less often but neither of us have suggested meeting up in a long time.

Honestly, this isn't some sort of romantic pursuit. I have nondesire to sleep with him or anything like that. There isn't a strong physical attraction at all. It's a mental attraction, I love how he things and his perspective on things. It's like we understand each other without having to explain.

Even happy to meet his partner and him mine.

There's all the danger of an emotional affair developing herself though, even if you don't have a physical attraction

I'm not sure why everyone is so against it and don't see the harm in it at all.

There are little tells in your posts which suggest you don’t even believe this yourself.

Asking for advice on “how you go about” arranging to meet him: people don’t generally question themselves or need to ask strangers for advice on how they should text a platonic old friend to see if they’d like to catch up over a coffee. You say you had a strong friendship for two years and are used to calling and texting each other, suggesting a coffee meet next time you text isn’t rocket science, is it?

On the one hand saying that your partner has no issue with you meeting this man, then following that up by saying you haven’t met because you’re both “extremely respectful to partners.” In friendships, people don’t generally need to think about whether their actions are “respectful to partners.”

Posting in the first place. People don’t tend to seek opinions when they have no doubt of their motivations or whether what they want to do is kosher. You’re so vehement that you definitely don’t fancy him, definitely don’t want a romantic relationship, know nothing inappropriate will happen - and yet here you are asking whether you should do it. Why the doubt?

When someone contacts you out of the blue for years wanting to meet up they are after something.

And by something I mean more than a conversation

After years* not for years!

Why not do it then? What's the reason you are hesitating? If you are already friends then simply suggest a meet up. What's the problem?

I think you should go for it. I think I really understand what you're trying to say. We're complex and we have different needs (not talking just sexual or romantic) and it's completely fine to want meaningful connection outwith your relationship . I get that gender differences do complicate things because of the world we live in but it shouldn't be a barrier.

There are so many pieces that have to fit in place for a relationship to be really successfull and it's totally normal to have some parts of yourself that don't quite slot in there. I don't think it's a poor reflection on your relationship to still be craving something from other connections in your life. I think it's healthy that you both realise that. I won't dismiss some of what's been said already, you could be unconsciously romantisizing the past or harbouring some doubts about your current relationship. The timing could be suspect. You don't come across as a delusional person, though. I reckon if you're going into this with your eyes wide open and ready to really question what you're feeling and why as things progress, then it's worth the chance.

You've already said your partners supportive so go with your own gut, not ours.

What's the worst that could happen? It ruins your current relationship? If it does, there's probably a reason. 2 years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. If this does change the course of your relationship, there's probably a lesson to be learned from that.

Just be open to questioning your feelings.

The fact that you feel the need to ask the question, I think, tells you the answer. I think you know its right in that grey area and you are seeking validation for your impulse to meet up.

If I'm wrong. and you really don't see any chance at all of some romantic entanglement, even if its one way and you don't reciprocate, and you're 100% happy with current partner, and he's aware and ok with it, go have a coffee and a natter.

But my suspicion is that there is a hint of a flame there that you find exciting and can plausibly deny.

I think the last few posts have made me realise a few things.

I think that my partner is a fantastic person but there are times we approach things very differently or think very differently. We are different but it balances out.

With the other guy, the attraction isn't there and I can't see it every being if I'm honest but we communicate better. There's no explaining, it just is.

I feel bad even typing this but a blend of two of them would be something else, but that's not possible.

Myself and partner don't argue but we do seem to have to spend time why a lot. Examples even this, I wanted to cancel something we had planned to go to a funeral because it was important to me to be there. He sees it more as the deceased won't know so wanted to prioritise existing plans etc. It's not a big issue but it took him a while to understand my perspective. I think we were raised differently so have to work harder on underatanding the other person's point of view.

Even a few weeks ago, a neighbour asked for my help. My partner's first reaction was how to make sure I wasn't getting tied into something long term whereas I had never considered it as I felt it's more important to help others where you can. Neither of us are wrong- we just have different approaches.

Someone called it out earlier. I'm considering moving in with partner and I support I'm thinking of everything. As if I move in the plan with be to get married etc. We don't see ourselves rowing back from it etc.

I'm almost 40. Never married before. I know I love him. I know he's fantastic etc. The fact he does always instant "get" me does play on my mind (the sane applies to me, I don't automatically understand him. It is the only niggle in our relationship & it doesn't even cause problems because we always talk it out. I find it all a huge decision. How do people know that someone is actually the person is the right person to spend their lives with?

I think I'm far more confused than I thought I was.

Just leave it. Don't risk messing up your current lovely relationship. Madness IMO.

Why are you asking the question?
In all honesty, I think you are asking the wrong question (and I mean this kindly ).
What you should be asking is ‘do I love my partner enough even though we are different and I have a deep connection to someone else, even though it’s not a romantic connection.’
you are looking for something and not finding it in your partner .
you are comparing your partner to another person, and finding him lacking. That isn’t great.
it sounds like that is what this is about .
good luck OP.
its right to ask ourselves these questions

Regarding your first question about meeting this man, personally while in a relationship I wouldn't pursue it as it started as dates that didn't lead into more due to circumstances. I'm find it disrespectful towards your relationship and partner.
Regarding your current partner and how to know he is the right person to share life with, I can only talk about myself but my DH and I just get each other from the first moment. I feel like he is meeting me on my level and we have same mentality. We can spend ages talking about absolutely anything and even when we disagree or argue I cannot help admiring his emotional and intellectual capacity to deal with things.
From that sense I am slightly conscious how you describe your partner and TBH I am not sure you are with the right person.

It sounds as though you want to have an emotional affair with the man from the past. Do you think it would be worth having couples therapy with your current partner, before deciding whether to move in together?

At least two people other thread have mentioned their partner just got them snd understood them from the start.

Me & my partner are very aware that we aren't like that and I find his different approach good and he would say the same. It widens our perspective on things and I like that. We says I make him more considerate and he makes understand that it's important to put yourself first more often. I think we are both good for each other. Opposites attract and all that.

I don't know. I think it's always been in the back of my mind that we don't always understand each other but we do communicate very well so doesn't cause many issues. Do we need to get each other when it doesn't cause problems? I do love him. If he was gone in the morning I would be devastated but I would cope because I would gave no choice.

With regards to couples counselling, I think if we ever get to a stage we need outside intervention, then we would just break up. What would I even say to the counsellor. We love each other but don't "get each other" but communicate well so it doesn't cause problems. There's another guy who gets me but neither of us fancy each other- is a friendship then disrespectful & an emotional affair because if it is that's wrong.

I don't think I'm disrespecting my partner. There's nothing here that he doesn't know and that we haven't discussed already.

Think I'm just going around in circles again. My partner's female friend understands him better than I ever could. I don't believe there's anything more to it. If they were ever to get together they would have by now. She can I are also opposites and while nowhere near as close to her as my partner is, we have a decent friendship.

Apologies but I don't even know what I'm even asking anymore.

Same.

I don't think I'm disrespecting my partner. There's nothing here that he doesn't know and that we haven't discussed already.

You've told him that the best conversations of your life were with this guy and if you could make a smooshed version of them together it would be your perfect man? Because if DH said that to me, I'd be heart broken.