to change therapist over this?

[Craybourne]

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

As a therapist I’d say it’s probably worth discussing with her in person if you feel able to. Then her response will give you a better feel for whether you can continue the work. Seems a shame to change if you’ve otherwise found them helpful so sounds like it’s worth trying to talk about it.

If it doesn't work for you, then that is all you need to know to change.

But honestly, I think you are projecting. And actually, it IS her job. She isn't your friend or your relative. She's doing a (very important) job of work.

Thanks! I did consider this but just seems super awkward (even if on the face of it you ‘should’ be able to bring it up). She’s only human. I wouldn’t want to look round and she’s beaming and waving at me or each message that says ‘kind regards’ be like – yes, that’s better 😂😂

I'm a counsellor
The 'regards' is probably her attempting to maintain professionalism.

The 'eye rolly' thing. I would as a PP said, talk to her about it

I am sure I sometimes don't have the nicest look on my face (RBF) but it isn't a slight on my clients at all. Counselling can be quite exhausting, but also it could be that she's feeling something she felt you may be feeling, maybe her 'eye rolly' look is more of a look of expressing and processing the emotions she has just felt. Definitely worth sharing wiht her if all else is okay IMO.

No totally, I don’t expect us to be friends. But also it does affect sessions if I feel she doesn’t much like me on a personal level. It’s inhibiting. I’ve been to other therapists in the past and never had the same sense.

It made me think a bit of that Paul Kaye character out of Afterlife telling him he wasn’t into all that namby pamby shit 😆

Regards Vs Kind regards, you're being ludicrous. I use Regards even though I've probably heard the passive aggressive nonsense.
The face drop, probably your imagination or she may be going through some issue in her personal life, like a sick relative and she's putting on a brave face for the appointment.
Perhaps you have a self destruct part of your psyche that sees you're making progress, so it wants to sabotage you.
Discuss it with her

It’s really hard to bring stuff up so I totally understand. I still find it difficult to do it with my own therapist but if you are able to be brave and do it I think it would be really useful and could potentially improve your relationship.

If you don't feel able to discuss it with her them yes, change. Sometimes as clients we can be a bit sensitive but I do think that they should be approachable.

There's not really much I feel unable to bring to my therapist. We might disagree quite strongly at times, it's a running joke that our sessions have never been short of conflict but it's always talked about and processed. If he's hurt my feelings I tell him directly. Usually this prompts an explanation, a conversation and if needed, an apology.

I'm in no way as qualified as the counsellor PPs, but I am studying it. The facial expression is not ok, she should totally put to one side any negative thoughts about your or prejudices, because you need to feel totally comfortable with her. She doesn't have to like you etc etc, but it certainly shouldn't show.

Regards vs kind regards - you may think this is a ‘thing m everyone knows about because you’re on social media a lot. But this is the first I’ve heard of it. So you are imagining that her online world is the same as yours here - which is unlikely to be the case particularly if you’re not of the same generation.

I totally get that it does feel awkward to raise this sort of thing, but if you’re able to say to her that you sometimes feel disliked by her, it could be the very thing that makes therapy genuinely helpful and life-changing rather than just talking to someone about your stuff.

Particularly if you feel this ever comes up in other areas of your life (I.e. feeling like you’re ’too much’).

@StasisMom what we don’t know here is whether the therapist is ‘making a face’, which would obviously not be OK, or just relaxing her features as she closes the door after an intense 50 minutes of interaction and concentration.

Maybe her resting face is like that? She's had to a fully focused session with you, she's engaged, listening and working so when she's finished, her face just relaxes and she takes a breather.

Personally I think go with your gut. If you don’t feel fully comfortable with her I’d change.

That’s kind of how I feel – if I’m waving someone off at the door, I can manage a smile (even if it’s just a polite one) long enough to get the door closed and safely out of sight. I don’t really want to be wondering what she thinks of me personally. I don’t need to feel she reeeaally likes me, I just see it as basic professional courtesy and neutrality.

And if a client of mine (or anyone else I know) saw me pulling a face the moment their back was turned I’d be mortified!

I think the regards/kind regards thing - the first is just quicker and more likely to be used if it's not your first message.

Fair point, hadn’t considered that

I wouldn’t read anything into the face. i often have people ask me what’s wrong at work when I am just thinking. And it’s not necessarily negative thinking it’s just how my face is.

If this is all that's wrong you've been lucky to find her!

She's allowed to relax her face and to write "regards". Come on now.

If they annoy you, they are worthwhile reasons either to speak to her or to look for another therapist.

That sounds like a great rapport and therapeutic relationship you have established!

I would raise it with her. Particularly if any of the stuff you're working on in counselling relates to
Feeling insecure
Not trusting people
Having been let down or betrayed by people who were supposed to love you
Feeling you're not good enough
Feeling you have to be perfect for people to like you
Lack of assertiveness
Inability to be direct when taking care of your needs

I would start off with kind regards and then drop down to regards for a subsequent message because it feels awkward to use the full greeting a second time. No other malice behind it.

I'm struggling with the idea of going back to therapy after a bad experience and keep on imagining having to start from scratch (I want to just talk about here and now rather than go over the last 40 years all over again!). My bad experience however was pretty humiliating and the first and last time I would ever use a male therapist. I had stuck with him despite not feeling it from the start because he manipulated me by saying "Would you have a problem with a male therapist? Are you open to actually listening to a man's view?" in the first session. I actually didn't hear it in a negative way, rather tried to actually question myself and realised perhaps I did have a bias...huge mistake. He said so many things that were over the line about my recent break up (suggesting I didn't initiate sex enough - even then I had to say actually it was always me cringe and then going on to say I needed to "bring out my anger in the bedroom with toys, perhaps" which was when I left). I feel very vulnerable thinking about therapy again after this. What's worse is he aggressively chased me for weeks for the final payment which I had already sent him but he had missed.

Is she a psychodynamic therapist?
This is more the way they practice.
My therapist never smiles when we meet or part. It isn't a friendship or like any other form of relationship you are in. The rules of courtesy do not apply in the same ways. Indeed therapy is an opportunity to explore why we are attached to these things in our daily lives.
You may find a person-centred humanistic therapist more amenable to you. However, I would be interested in whether that would be as useful to you, since I think there is a lot that merits unpacking here around why you feel the need to be liked or thought of as pleasing.

As a therapy client I do get what you're saying and it's very easy to read into things that aren't there. However there are therapists who do use passive aggressive ways to deal with clients and I don't think that should be denied. The difficulty with things like text messages is that it's hard to really approach them with the therapist which is kind of the point if they are being passive aggressive. I once has a therapist who used to sign every text message with an 'x' apart from when she was inconvenienced by something I said or asked and then there would be no x.

I guess I'm saying trust your Instincts but also be aware that you might be reading too much into it. Give it some more time and see how you feel.