to change therapist over this?

[Craybourne]

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

Thanks for the response

Sorry if my post was confusing, I don’t ‘know’ about the KR / R thing from social media but from decades of working in offices! It really is a thing, and I’m not particularly young!

Re mentioning it, it’s a bit of a tricky one I guess because you’d only really want to be bringing up something like that with someone you really trust – ironically!

As I mentioned in another response, I’ve been to a few different therapists over the years and never had the sense or wondered before that they might dislike me. But do dislike passive aggression (in others lol) so fully accept I may be picking up on something that she’s oblivious to

@Craybourne If you are experiencing her as passive aggressive it might be what therapists call "transference" ie you are bringing your experience of other relationships and dynamics into the therapeutic relationship. That is super useful info for your therapist! Deffo say all this to her.

This would really put me off. I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour before, and I think it really shows the person's true character, and the fact that they don't really like me.

If you did decide to talk about all this with her, her reaction would be incredibly interesting. If she gets defensive then you'll have your answer.

Not all therapists are trained or adept in dealing with transference unfortunately.

I just emailed my physio and signed off Regards. Do you think she hates me now? Should I ask MN? You are very likely over reacting as you're at a sensitive time in your life. She's your therapist. Ask her, she'll cope. And don't worry about the face drop. Everyone, no matter how much milk of human kindness flows in their veins, is entitled to feel relief when they finish work. Remember she is working, you aren't friends.

Is there a reason you've been messaging her so much over a relatively short space of time?

Don't you book the next session as you leave the current one?

I don’t feel the need to be liked or thought of as pleasing, in my view professional courtesy is actually a good way of maintaining appropriate distance and neutrality – keeping things less personal and treating others impartially.

In a therapy setting I don’t feel the need for the therapist to like me particularly, but I also don’t want to feel a sense of dislike. I’d have thought the reasons for this were self-explanatory, but I’d say as humans we avoid forming relationships with people who feel disinclined towards us – it’s a good survival instinct.

Interesting about the psychodynamic stuff – I think she works with a variety of approaches and is not ‘A Psychodynamic Therapist’. I did ask when we first spoke about the schools of thought she draws on, may review this. I mean we do always smile and say hello and chit chat when we meet (and part) so doesn’t seem like she’s following any ‘no pleasantries’ theory especially. Thanks for sharing

But shouldn't she be a bit more self aware? As in know that her face can do that and so hold off till the door is closed, so OP or any other clients, don't get the wrong idea? People with RBF generally seem to know they have it...

We just keep in touch to arrange subsequent sessions

@Craybourne Ah deffo not a strictly psychodynamic therapist then, as you said anyway. They work to strict routines ie you come at the same time every week, at least once a week. I have to pay even if I can't make it, which always annoys me 🤣 but the process etc etc etc...

@StasisMom all we have to go on is OP’s interpretation of this person’s facial expression. But OK. When you’re a qualified therapist let us know how you manage to settle on a professional facial expression that doesn’t come across as insipid to the narcissistic client, or arrogant to the client with an inferiority complex, or fake to the paranoid client, or overfamiliar to the avoidant client, etc. People are always going to be bringing their own stuff.

That said, if OP doesn’t feel comfortable raising it with the therapist and gets a sufficiently bad vibe that it will ruin the therapy, she should find another therapist. It doesn’t necessarily follow that this therapist is shit.

How does a message about booking a session come to be less favourable than another message about booking a session though?

I just wondered if she's trying to set a boundary around your frequent communication.

lol nooooo… nothing like that. I don’t contact her between sessions.

Just when there has been a more extended exchange a few times (still about session times). Don’t want to be too specific (hence why it’s confusing probably!)

It's really hard to tell, because I've never glanced back to check a therapist's facial expression after I've walked away, nor have I sent extended messages that might annoy one.

I can't tell if it's a you problem or a her problem, op, but I'm veering towards it being an anxious attachment style in you.

I told my therapist that one form of email sign-off she used made me feel cared about, whereas another didn't. So she now only uses the one that makes me feel cared about. I don't think you're being ridiculous at all.
I can't read facial expressions, is it possible you're misreading hers? I would definitely talk to her about it.

She shouldn't be doing that while in view of the OP, that is unprofessional. I think the regards vs kind regards is a reach, but the face thing would bug me, possibly enough that I would change therapist over it, or at least bring it up.

This is exactly what I think — she’s just gone into neutral/rest mode after your session to gather herself and relax before transferring her attention to her next client. I tend to go upstairs to the loo after my session, and if I glance through the ajar door of the room, my (excellent) therapist looks quite different to the way she does during our session. Different expression, posture etc.

As others have said I think you need to bring it up. Mine once sent me an email to confirm the time after à holiday period that said something like "I hope you had an enjoyable holiday and I look forward to seeing you again on X day. Please confirm that this time still suits."
As it happened I had had a terrible holiday but didn't feel I could write back and say that. I did bring it up in the session and she said she had been trying to send a caring message rather than one that was purely business-like but that she had clearly misjudged and apologised.

lol… I’m not glancing back for the purpose of checking her face, I’m just happening to catch her facial expression just after we’ve said goodbye and she thinks I’m not looking.

I’m not imagining the expression – that’s not what I’m questioning – and I’m not saying I can be certain that I know what it expresses. It gives a sense of dislike, although as I’ve said in the OP, I appreciate she could be tired or just have RBF. A few posters have added some interesting perspectives to consider.

How do you know you’ve never sent a message that might annoy someone? 😁

(None of her messages have annoyed me btw, I just wondered if I detected a note of passive aggression. It happens – some people do communicate like this. Difficult to know for sure, which is the nature of the beast!)

Pretty bold to diagnose an anxious attachment style based on the scant info I’ve shared!

As you get closer/deeper to the therapist it gets riskier, so in my experience it’s normal to have these sort of concerns and it would be great if you could bring it up. It kind of means the therapy is working. She will want to hear it. If that doesn’t feel safe enough try and trust the process, or you could bring up that you’re feeling scared of trusting her and then explain what you’ve said here

That’s helpful, thanks!

@Craybourne I know I've never sent a message that annoys a therapist (which is what I said - I didn't say 'anyone') because I've not messaged any therapist I've had, let alone got into a back and forth and then monitored and analysed their sign offs.

Can you see the difference between that and your approach?

You won't know if you have misread her unless you talk to her about it. I get that that can be really scary to do, but it also may be very helpful.

I say this as someone who has misread others' intentions towards me many times!

@Craybourne

It sounds to me like the work is beginning!

See if you can talk about it with her.

Oh that’s awful and completely unethical for your ex-therapist to be so direct with that type of advice giving. I hope he clearly stated your right to complain about him with his governing body. Hope you’re okay and please don’t let that stop you from receiving support in the future. There are good ones out there!

OP, as a therapist, I can completely appreciate your counsellor may be a little fatigued, it can be tiring holding the therapeutic space for 50 minutes and all that fills in up. However, from the moment you enter, to the moment you leave, that is your space. Whatever happens in that time is relevant to the therapy, including hello’s and goodbyes. If it helps, I actually feel extremely touched when my clients can bring in an issue/question about our relationship, especially if their reason for seeking therapy is some sort of relational trauma. It gives an opportunity for repair and dialogue, this can be extremely healing. I imagine if you both work well together and you don’t sense this during sessions, she possibly doesn’t fully realise she’s doing it.

Good luck xx