to change therapist over this?

[Craybourne]

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

She shouldn’t be conveying that body language, whether it’s in the session or afterwards. For her, something is ‘off’. I agree with others, please bring this up with her. Most therapists don’t get honest feedback from their clients, which is one reason why there’s so many shit counsellors out there.

On the subject of inappropriate behaviour, I think it’s appalling that @timeooooout has ‘diagnosed’ the OP with having an insecure attachment style.

I haven't 'diagnosed' anyone. Get over yourself.

Instead of a resting bitch face, she's got a resting rolly eye face.

TBH if I was leaving a therapist after a difficult session and she was all giggles and have a lovely weekend - I'd be a lot more concerned than I would about a downcast look with rolly eyes.🙄

I do think the op sounds anxiously attached to the therapist. It's an observation not a criticism.

All the checking and ruminating suggests there's more to go for the op to feel comfortable in the relationship.

That's ok. It's early days at 6 weeks.

How many ‘less than favourable’ emails have you sent her? Must be quite a few for you to have identified a pattern?

Why not change, I had a therapist who I felt got a bit impatient at time. Tbh I'm not keen on therapy so I'd find someone I was happier with. I liked better help because it was quite non committal and less body language involved both ways.

Honestly, anyone would think that there aren't just some really shit therapists about. Some of them seem to get their qualifications from a box of cornflakes and/or a weekend course. Others are just temperamentally unsuited to the field and lack compassion, common sense, and basic human kindness. Others are warped and deeply punishing.

Going to see someone who may or may not be an objectively good therapist - whose job it is after all to tease out your perceptions - and then ignoring your own perceptions and uncomfortable feelings about something you clearly perceived is a very special kind of mindfuck that women should not be encouraged to perservere with and pay for!

Therapists have to unwind and relax between clients and that's maybe what you're seeing. She's probably going to write up your notes maybe.

Yes, you did. Check out your ridiculous post from 21:21.

I would have no worries about the signing off myself, personally. But I understand people feel things differently.

The face fall is very interesting. If you're seeing disgust or eye-rolling then it would be great if you could say something. This kind of observation can lead to really useful work for a person in therapy; hard to address but if you can, it could be very useful for you.

Honestly, anyone would think that there aren't just some really shit therapists about. Some of them seem to get their qualifications from a box of cornflakes and/or a weekend course. Others are just temperamentally unsuited to the field and lack compassion, common sense, and basic human kindness. Others are warped and deeply punishing.

Totally agree with you. I trained with some people who wouldn't know genuineness and empathy if it bit them on their arses. Financial exploitation also happens i.e not ending the therapy when it should (in private practice). There's just too many qualified counsellors / therapists out there.

We can read a lot in to stuff that isn’t there at all.
i am having therapy session via teams atm. Early on in the sessions I mentioned my therapist that I felt uncomfortable because when I was talking to him he seemed to look bored and look away to the side.
this clearly baffled him at bit-. I m hyper vigilant regarding facial expressions-but he came back to it later in the session and said he had been thinking about what I said and actually that was what he did when someone had said something he really needed to think about.
thing is @Craybourne you don’t KNOW you are filling in the gaps here. Ask yourself ‘ I don’t know what this face means. Do I want to know?’ Then decide whether you will ask her. If you don’t you are just making up stories based on your own narrative.

I didn’t even know that kind regards/regards was meant to be a slight until I read it somewhere, I honestly thought I was being respectful and friendly when I wrote either.
As for the change in facial expression, I suppose you do try and put on a positive face with customers/clients/patients and you want to do your best for them but it is exhausting. It would bother me if feeling a negative vibe from sometime though so can understand the dilemma if it leave you feeling that vibe

I have been seeing therapists for years and when I was in my late twenties I started seeing a woman weekly.

I have a mental illness and had a bit of a wild misspent youth and had a history of being in unsuitable relationships, I don’t want to say anything too outing but it was obvious that my therapist had a completely different more conventional experience growing up and she disagreed with some of my decisions and actions.

At first I thought I was paranoid because I noticed she was pulling a face like she was disgusted when I talked about something that I’d done that I was ashamed of, I ignored it but struggled to be as open as I wanted to be in sessions. I carried on going then in one session I was talking about a traumatic experience I’d had years ago and I was looking down at my lap, I glanced up and caught her visibly shaking her head like she was appalled.

I wanted to raise it but I didn’t feel comfortable enough to do it, instead I sent her an email afterwards saying I felt judged and wouldn’t be attending any more sessions. She replied saying if that’s how I felt it was for the best and the next therapist I had was much better and we made a lot of progress.

You might have the wrong idea but at the same time if you had a really good relationship and trusted her then I suspect you wouldn’t doubt her feelings towards you so much and would probably assume that’s just her natural facial expression or she had another reason.
I have found the regards vs kind regards thing can be obvious if someone is using it passive aggressively. I deal with someone regularly who signs kind regards most of the time but every time something isn’t to their liking they just put “regards”
Not everyone is aware of this though and it might just be that you are reading too much into it, my friend changes from regards to kind regards, adds kisses etc… I mentioned it once and she said she deals with people from all walks of life daily and sometimes signs off emails without thinking, she once signed an email off to her boss saying “lots of love xxxx” which luckily they had a good laugh about.

If you aren’t comfortable bringing it up in a session you could mention it in an email? I wouldn’t mention the way she signs off her emails but I think you need to bring up her facial expressions like others have advised. You need to trust your therapist and not be questioning if she’s secretly judging you or not.

Being able to discuss worries like this is a good skill to have and it might benefit you in the future. I often wish I could ask people straight out if I’ve done something to annoy or upset them rather then worrying about it. I am quite paranoid over things like that and it usually builds up instead of being easily resolved.

I hope you get it sorted!

I figure the Regards vs KR is if the person is in a hurry or the text message is already long.

BTW has there been a lot of appointment time changes? Even in the six weeks? Or why the texting...🤔

@westisbest1982 an attachment style is not a diagnosis.

Noticing someone's anxious behaviour in relation to another8 is not a diagnosis. It's what is known as an observation.

I hope that helps you in your understanding the thread.

Indeed. And why is some of it 'less favourable' whatever that means...

It might be that as you're leaving - she switches to off mode. I know when I get off the phone to a client or in person I kind of shift modes. I;m also an eye roller! but sometimes it is more a wow and processing things. I think there are two kind of people using kind regards - those who have used it way before memes and continue to do so and those who using it deliberately - which do you think she is?
At the end of the day though you need to feel you can build a professional relationship with someone and if you don't think you can with her then that is ok - there are other people you can work with.

Sounds like you are sabotaging the relationship. These are things you need to bring to your session . You are saying there is something going on between the transaction between the pair of you at the end of your sessions .
You also need to explore the narrative you are creating about the 'endings' of emails .
Endings seem to be a recurring theme for you ... there is a huge amount to explore in therapy around endings .

Or you could just run away ... rather than face what endings mean for you !!!

This makes sense.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all to feel a bit unnerved by her negative face change. You know what you witnessed. It’s unprofessional and someone in her position should have control over it.

I also wouldn’t like the KR changing to just R, because she’s been inconvenienced. Again, it’s unprofessional imo.

Personally, I would find another therapist because I wouldn’t feel comfortable with her, particularly after the first issue.

It sounds to me like you're totally over reacting OP. I don't want to be unkind or anything, but presumably if you're in counselling, you're may not be feeling very confident, and are seeing something that isn't there. Why would you expect someone to still be smiling when you've already turned your back on them? My DH will often say to me, 'why do you look so miserable', when I'm not aware that he's been looking at me, and it's just my resting face, or perhaps I'm thinking about something, I couldn't possibly smile 24/7 just on the off chance that he's going to look up at me.

As for the sign off, 'kind regards' is usually used when you don't know someone very well, but once you feel more confident, it's not really necessary, and as someone else suggested, it's just a speedy way of signing off, a bit like you could sign off a letter to family, with 'lots of love' or just 'love', they both mean the same thing, but love is just quicker.

She has resting bitch face and may have never worked in an office setting to know this is a thing. You’re overthinking, I think.

Not particularly, just general exchange of information about times & days and a couple of ‘mix ups’ which needed to be cleared up