to change therapist over this?

[Craybourne]

This is more of a ‘WIBU’!

Been going to therapist for maybe around 6 weeks. She’s quite good – she’s got to the point, she’s very astute, and I’ve been finding the sessions useful. All good.

A couple of things are niggling me though.

The first is that I’ve started to notice is that when we part ways at the door, we’ll say a friendly goodbye, but then when I’ve sort of glanced back after as she’s shutting the door, I’ve seen that her face has immediately dropped into a look of dislike and disgust. (Like a bit bored and eye-rolly) (This is nothing at all related to what I’m going to the sessions for – it’s not about paranoia or anything like that!)

Other possible explanations – it could just be she’s tired, maybe her face is like that, maybe it’s just a job and she cba with clients nowadays, I don’t know. But it’s just a bit jarring and has made me feel like she may not like me all that much. Which isn’t the law obvs, but does make me feel less comfortable in sessions.

The other (likewise pretty small) thing, is in messages, she seems to do that passive aggressive thing of switching to ‘regards’ rather than ‘kind regards’ if the message is less favourable. Again, could just be coincidence, but it’s such an openly acknowledged thing now (how many memes have you seen about it), and only ever seems to be the sign off if it relates to something that might inconvenience her.

So, two pretty minor things on the face of it! But making me feel a bit uneasy about her. If it was the Dr’s receptionist – who cares. But for this sort of thing feels a bit more important. Am I being unreasonable in thinking twice about going back? Would be an easy decision except for the fact that I’ve otherwise found the sessions useful and would rather avoid starting from scratch with someone else ideally.

AIBU?!

My therapist, who is excellent, is extremely formal in text message communication, and you could certainly read disapproval into her communications if you were insecure.

Few points for clarification

• The face: definitely not imagining it! Maybe about 4 sessions in I happened to glance back as I was walking off and was surprised to see her smile had dropped into a grimace the moment I’d turned away. Not just a ‘relaxed’ face, but a lip curled on one side, eye roll-y sort of look. I thought – well, maybe just tired or RBF or whatever. Maybe she’s burnt out from listening to people talk about themselves for years. Who knows. I did have a think if there’s anything I might have done or said that came across as rude (for example), but really couldn’t think of any reason that would explain it as being personal to me. (Although obvs it’s perfectly possible to just not warm to someone for reasons that are not really anything to do with them – and I don’t feel she’s required to ‘like’ me, although I do think a good rapport is helpful.) Next session I paid a bit more attention (allowing for the possibility I’d just imagined it, as you do). This time noticed exactly same thing again – as I say, definitely not imagining it! Whatever the reason, it’s disconcerting, but open to different explanations for ‘the face’ that might not have occurred to me. Lots of posters have provided some interesting perspectives I hadn’t considered.

• This is not something that I regularly notice in others or have a particular general worry about
• Have seen other counsellors in the past and had positive experiences

• I’m not attending counselling for anything to do with confidence, self-esteem, lack of assertiveness, anxiety, etc. Have found some of the assumptions interesting, and also interesting that as it’s a therapy setting, lots of posters are projecting all sorts of frailties and insecurities! I think the perception of therapy expressed in some of the posts is interesting too, particularly the deficit / ‘broken machine needs fixing’ model. Interesting further that a lot of the posters are therapists or clients themselves (I think typical for any thread with ‘therapist’ in the title.) But anyway, that’s a whole other conversation!

• KR / R – I worked in offices for years going back to the 90s and this is kind of a thing – some people do switch to regards if they’re irritated! I didn’t learn about it from memes (:D) – think it’s more one of those relatable things that has become a meme.
• I don’t think every time someone uses ‘regards’ it means they’re expressing annoyance.
• I don’t think every time someone switches from KR to R it expresses annoyance.
• I do think in a context where someone might be expected to be a bit put out, plus they suddenly start using regards where their standard sign off is KR, it could gently suggest they’re a bit irritated. In my own professional communication, I would be aware of this potential (mis)interpretation, and so would avoid doing this unless I really was annoyed and didn’t mind them knowing! Of course, some people may be completely oblivious to how a lot of people might perceive this.

• I’m going into careful detail here as I’m taking the time to respond to some of the various queries on the thread! I am not writing a phd about KR / R or RBF ☺️

You're the one paying her - you can stop or find a different therapist for any reason you wish.

That’s awful, so sorry you had that experience :(

Did you feel able to report him? There are definitely some decent therapists out there, although don’t blame you at all for feeling wary of entering back into the fray. You’re placing a lot of trust in someone. Sounds like your instincts were very spot on though.

Absolutely! Just would rather stick with one person if at all possible, and at 5/6 sessions in have covered a fair bit of ‘background’ – kind of an upfront cost (time, money) at the beginning of any course of sessions with someone new.

On the other hand, maybe that’s a bit of a sunk-cost fallacy! It’s quite an investment of time and money so would ideally like to be pursuing it with a therapist I feel at ease with.

Funnily enough, there was a recent thread where someone said her therapist had become her friend, and lots of people weighed in saying that under other circumstances they could have imagined being friends with their therapist. I thought – I don’t think we would necessarily have that kind of rapport, and maybe that’s a good thing (there’s more professional distance, the boundaries are more clear cut). But still, I don’t want to be actively disliked! lol

Sorry Japan, just musing off the back of your reply. Realise I’ve gone off on a tangent here 😆

No, not really. Was a very low point and it took my energy up going there every week and getting so upset alongside the general therapy feelings. I'd had therapy before but she had retired so went on a recommendation from someone who works in the industry and is a friend - so very hard to do much about as it feels a bit close. Was about 2yrs or more ago now so I've had time to process it. I do think I need more therapy (last year was what you might call eventful) but I don't have the energy for it atm.

Some conversations will never be comfortable. But you should feel safe, physically and emotionally. If you don't then I'd stop throwing good money after bad and change therapist.

Yeah I think that’d annoy the best of us 😆 I can see how the commitment might keep someone on track (don’t know if that’s the intention) and can see the benefit in having a clear structure. But I’m very much from the consumer rights / respect a paying customer school of thought and worship at the altars of Which and Martin Lewis. I couldn’t see myself ever getting into an arrangement like this

I agree with this although I do think it's worth telling her what you observed and see what she says before deciding to go to someone else.

Thank you!

How did this play out @Craybourne ? Did you stick with her? Or were your instincts correct? I wonder might she have been experiencing physical pain, like back pain for instance, and hence the grimace?

I am a therapist in training and I am very formal and simple when it comes to messages. What I AM is consistent. But I don't want the work to spill out into texts and emails.

I once had a client - for the first few sessions I used to walk a few steps out of the room and say 'do you know the way out?' (Twisty therapy room corridors)

On about week 5 I didn't do it as I assumed he knew the way out. At the following weeks session he shared how sad it made him feel that I hadn't checked that he knew the way. After that we had a little joke that I'd always walk a few steps down the corridor with him!