To think DH should do more around the house?

[wonderings2]

Moaney post...sorry...

DH and I both work full time, I WFH & he works a 10 drive away. He earns about 20-30% more than me and I contribute a slightly lower percentage of my salary to shared pot. We have DD (5) who is in school a 1 1/2 miles away.

DH's jobs:

Puts DD to bed (I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read - he does the rest)
Takes DD to his Nans at the weekend for 2 hours so I get a "break"
Put the bins out
Go and see my Dad once a week (this takes 2 hours)
Cuts the grass in the summer
Sorts out car MoT's, services etc

My jobs:

Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food
All tidying and cleaning in the house
All washing and ironing, putting clothes away
All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family)
All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass.
Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)
Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.
From May to September he'll be out most Saturdays from lunch time until 8pm playing cricket.

Im so effing tired and worn down, I had a run of poor mental health last year and let the house get in a bit of a muddle (obviously everyone was fed and clothed and DD's room is always clean and tidy) but our bedroom especially got really bad & I dropped the haircuts, nails etc. I'm feeling much better now and gradually chipping away at everything but whenever I point out that he should help he just points out the bedroom and asks why he should bother?

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?

Your husband is a lazy shit who has no consideration or respect for you, and this is a horrendous example to be setting for your daughter. She will grow up to repeat the same mistakes you have made.

It doesn't matter "what other men do" it's what happens in your house and between you is what matters.

Ask him why he thinks you should do the lions share. Then tell him when he predictably answers that he's to take care of himself from now on.

His laundry
His cooking
His mother.
His admin (birthday cards, gifts etc)

Tell him that his selfishness is a nail in a coffin of a marriage, one at a time and he has to take on more before your head explodes and end up divorcing him anyway.

He doesn't know any men that cook! I assure you plenty do. Stop doing anything for his mum

Could you show him the list you have typed out and ask if you can review it together as it is clearly extremely unbalanced?

For starters I would move his mother's shopping, admin etc to his list!

Get him to do a list of who does what and sit and compare and go from there. Also from today I'd stop ironing. Madness. I'm a sahp and I don't iron dh's clothes.

That list would be fair enough if you were a SAHP. It is bloody ridiculous if you are working full time! You should be doing equal shares of everything.

I would instantly stop washing and ironing his clothes and stop doing his mother’s admin.

Of course this split is not normal, you are being taken for a mug.

Have you pointed out that he does significantly less than if he were doing it alone?

Can you put in the same percentage as him? If so, I'd start there and tell him you've written down a chore lost and as of 1st of next month, he can do the top half and you do the bottom half, then swap the following week. No ifs or buts. See his counter offer. Watch the fucker squirm then about why he should do less than you.

He's very selfish. You work and your tired as well. He needs to pull his weight or I'd reconsider the relationship. I can't imagine sitting and doing nothing while my partner struggles.

If he doesn't want to clean he can pay for a cleaner.
If he doesn't want to do laundry he can send the clothes for a service wash.
If he doesn't want to cook then he doest eat.
If he doesn't want to do gardening he can pay a gardener.

He needs to pull his weight or pay to outsource the work.

Can you get a cleaner? Or do a mini time in motion study - ie work out how many hours a week each of you put in - obviously it should be 50/50

My husband now cooks one day a week - its a start.

several of my friends husbands cook and the wives dont cook at all

Agree you need to show him this list. It doesn’t matter what he thinks other men do or don’t do. You, his wife, are tired and fed up. My DH and most of the DHs I know do a lot more than him. My DH also almost certainly works more hours than him. (Around 60 per week.) And I work a lot fewer than you as I’m only part time.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm?

Do you really,seriously believe this? Most women do NOT have to do more! Not ones in a loving partnership, at least.
He is a lazy, self centred arse who has gaslit you into believing you have to accept the drudgery while he swans about doing sweet FA

Also slightly off topic but I hate it when people mention salaries in these posts. It doesn’t matter if you earn less than him. You work the same hours.

That's an awful excuse that "most men don't do it". My husband does all the cooking and a lot of cleaning and we both work full time. I agree with all other comments, stop doing the stuff for him until he learns to be a grown up and do it himself.

Can you afford a cleaner? He can pay for it if he's not willing to do his part!

Sit him down with that list and ask him if he thinks it's fair.

If he argues or refuses to pull his weight I'd down tools for him and his mother.

If that had no impact I'd make plans to leave

You see your dad and you ditch all the stuff you do for his mum and all his presents as a start.

This 100%

Why is relaxing and down time more important than yours? , I’d be telling him that he either steps up or the marriage will end.

Do you really have to ask if you're being AIBU?

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.

What did you say to him on each of these Saturdays? Did you not tell him he was being a lazy arse & make a suggestion as to what he could do?

The level of martyrdom is crazy.

You're allowing yourself to be his skivvy, and it is absolutely not normal. It's like you're his mother, not his partner.

He is a lazy selfish shitbag. He is not a good dad, he's teaching his DD that her role is to be a pandering skivvy. You work full time, therefore housework should be fully 50/50. Time for a come to Jesus talk, and consequences if he doesn't step up. Yes, this is divorceworthy.

Also his deeply sexist attitude is appalling.

Men should do x, women should do y.

You are both working parents in a partnership. Who is a man or a woman is irrelevant.

There are too many lazy and selfish men around. My husband and I love each other so don't want the other one to be unhappy which means that we both try and ease the load from the other one. I haven't been well this week so have done a lot less than usual, when he's unwell next I'll do the same.

If the person who is supposed to love you the most is going to sit and watch you work your arse off and not offer to do any of it then maybe they don't love you as much as they should.

'I don't know any men that cook'. That's the equivalent of teens saying 'no one else's parents make them do chores!'

He does fuck all and I think you need to change your mindset a bit - you are even choosing a book and setting out pyjamas for him!

You say "In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more"...raise your expectations. You do not deserve to do someone else's share on top of your own, its absolutely reasonable to expect to only do your share, and women who expect this as a minimum have more chance of getting it

You also say he is kind and generous...he absolutely isn't! It's not 'kind' to give someone else 95% of your jobs so that you can relax more. It's not generous to nab 95% of the available leisure time, by forcing your partner to do all the work. It's unkind to basically call your partner a nag, when they tell you how tired you are, and its actually disrespectful to try and gaslight them that it's normal, and his weekend sat on his ass is somehow more stressful than your week working and doing EVERYTHING.

I think you need to seriously think about splitting up. Look into finance etc. Ultimately your life will be easier without having to look after another adult who doesn't contribute, snd you will have sime child free time to regroup and wont have to be around someone who disrespecta you and dismisses your feelings.

I'd start by telling him this is your last chance, you are pissed off enough about this to leave, its your relationship no one else's so what everyone else does is irrelevant and you're not happy, if you split he will have to do his own fucking cooking and laundry and chores if he wants to provide a good environment for his daughter to stay, and you will actually be better off in a practical sense by yourself. There will be no more chances, no reminders, you have the right to boundaries and if he doesn't like these he is welcome to leave but if he wants your relationship to continue he needs to do his share, without prompting or reminding or delaying or complaining and if he tries to gaslight you into believing that a fair split of Labour isn't 'normal' then you're not interested in being with him.

This. Don't do his mother's stuff, he should be doing that.
You should be arranging nice stuff for yourself, and getting a break just like he does. You are his wife, not the housekeeper! Be more selfish, he is.