To think DH should do more around the house?

[wonderings2]

Moaney post...sorry...

DH and I both work full time, I WFH & he works a 10 drive away. He earns about 20-30% more than me and I contribute a slightly lower percentage of my salary to shared pot. We have DD (5) who is in school a 1 1/2 miles away.

DH's jobs:

Puts DD to bed (I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read - he does the rest)
Takes DD to his Nans at the weekend for 2 hours so I get a "break"
Put the bins out
Go and see my Dad once a week (this takes 2 hours)
Cuts the grass in the summer
Sorts out car MoT's, services etc

My jobs:

Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food
All tidying and cleaning in the house
All washing and ironing, putting clothes away
All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family)
All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass.
Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)
Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.
From May to September he'll be out most Saturdays from lunch time until 8pm playing cricket.

Im so effing tired and worn down, I had a run of poor mental health last year and let the house get in a bit of a muddle (obviously everyone was fed and clothed and DD's room is always clean and tidy) but our bedroom especially got really bad & I dropped the haircuts, nails etc. I'm feeling much better now and gradually chipping away at everything but whenever I point out that he should help he just points out the bedroom and asks why he should bother?

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?

You've asked him repeatedly, pointed out the imbalance and...he just doesn't care does he.

As PPs have said, you need to stop doing everything for him. Cooking, laundry, his family admin and sex. None of it. Put half a load in the machine without his stuff if necessary. Cook your own food and sit down and eat it alone.

Tell him which days he needs to do the school run although I'm sure he won't and you'll end up doing it.

See a solicitor and make plans to leave. Show your children that this is not the way to live and be treated.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows

My standard response to this is that I have higher standards than most women I know so tough basically.

Exactly this. Men like this get on my wick!
OP my DH was brought up in a very traditional household where his DM waited on his DF hand and foot, however, my DH does not expect this from me (good job) and in actual fact probably does more housework than I do.

How about you quit doing for him? The bedroom belongs to both of you, he should do his share, if not more.

'If I've asked him to do the dishes I have to re-do them as they are filthy and doesn't look like they've been near a drop of water, every time I've asked to do anything it's always half arsed and I have to do it again anyway. I believe not only is he a lazy twat, he does it on purpose so I don't ask him'

This is weaponised incompetence!

It cannot be solved by getting a cleaner because the problem is his attitude towards you and your time. And women in general. Even when he takes the children, it is to another woman who will take care of them. No doubt while he sits.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows,
but dh, you don't do enough for our family. So improve or leave.

... he doesn't know any men that cook ...

DH's jobs: I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read
why do you do this? Stop doing this. He can do that.

My jobs: All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. Including … his family
stop doing that. They Re his responsibility.

All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
then stop doing the two ge can do.

Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc
stop doing that. He can do that.

just reallocating those jobs alone will free your mind and time. And do not remind him of them either.

Also I appreciate this isn't the point of the thread but:

DH's jobs: I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read

DD (just turned 4) has been selecting from the drawer and putting on her pjs and picking her own book without my help for months, if your DD is 5 she may be able to do this stuff herself.

I just put them all back on the other side of the sink where dirty ones go, and explain to him that washing dishes is not a achieved because they’ve gone through the sink, but when they are clean. I have sometimes put pots back several times before he finally cleans them properly, but that is rare these days. The jobs done when it’s done, and I’m not doing it for him.

I just put them all back on the other side of the sink where dirty ones go, and explain to him that washing dishes is not a achieved because they’ve gone through the sink, but when they are clean. I have sometimes put pots back several times before he finally cleans them properly, but that is rare these days. The jobs done when it’s done, and I’m not doing it for him.

I'm not sure I could ever have a meaningful relationship with a person that I had to treat like a child.

I understand that, but I feel he was worth the effort and I now have a mostly equal relationship where he does more meal planning, shopping, cooking than I do, picks up dc every night and does dinner bath, does tidying and washing and Christmas presents for his side of the family and makes food for social occasions and diy tasks. When I say it doesn’t often happen now, im ok with that because we both work full time in busy jobs and he gets up at 5 most mornings to do the pots from the night before and empty the dishwasher before heading to work. I am crap at getting anything done in the morning. Nobody is perfect and I’ve had some tough times but he’s worth keeping. He wouldn’t be if he hadn’t stepped up, no question about that.

@Codlingmoths you might think it was worth the effort but it's utterly embarrassing.

All the other things you say he' "does" like pick up the DCs etc is normal life and in no way making him "worth it". That's normal family life, no matter how hard he works or what time he gets up.

If he can't be arsed to do the pots the night before so chooses. to get up at 5 to do them (I'm glad you're now able to allow him to do this unsupervised, with only now and again having to tell him, he must do better)), that's on him.

Utterly unattractive and pathetic and no way could I have children with that man, my legs would clamp shut at the thought that I had to teach him to wash pots.

You chose badly, but I'm glad you feel your "work in progress" is worth it. Nothing you've said is about what he should be doing, not sure why you think that it makes him worth it? Low standards I suppose?

Did you use a sticker chart for an incentive or remove his screen time until he learnt?

No ones perfect of course but that's totally ridiculous!

🤮

You have a choice OP live like this , teach your child that a woman’s work is never done or divorce.
He doesn’t care enough to try .
You deserve much better