To think DH should do more around the house?

[wonderings2]

Moaney post...sorry...

DH and I both work full time, I WFH & he works a 10 drive away. He earns about 20-30% more than me and I contribute a slightly lower percentage of my salary to shared pot. We have DD (5) who is in school a 1 1/2 miles away.

DH's jobs:

Puts DD to bed (I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read - he does the rest)
Takes DD to his Nans at the weekend for 2 hours so I get a "break"
Put the bins out
Go and see my Dad once a week (this takes 2 hours)
Cuts the grass in the summer
Sorts out car MoT's, services etc

My jobs:

Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food
All tidying and cleaning in the house
All washing and ironing, putting clothes away
All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family)
All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass.
Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)
Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.
From May to September he'll be out most Saturdays from lunch time until 8pm playing cricket.

Im so effing tired and worn down, I had a run of poor mental health last year and let the house get in a bit of a muddle (obviously everyone was fed and clothed and DD's room is always clean and tidy) but our bedroom especially got really bad & I dropped the haircuts, nails etc. I'm feeling much better now and gradually chipping away at everything but whenever I point out that he should help he just points out the bedroom and asks why he should bother?

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?

He is a lazy twat. Stop doing everything for him from now on.

Either that or tell him that if he is into traditional gender roles and. since you do everything at home, he can be in charge of earning money (which you will have free access to and equal say over, since he benefits equally from everything house and child related being done by you).

What a pathetic specimen (too stressful a job to do any tidying!)

I'm asking genuinely, how is it that you tolerate this kind of treatment? Did your childhood set you up to believe this is normal and ok? If so, you are condemning your daughter to the same future. This gross inequity will be her normal, too.

Your husband is fucking awful.

*I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?*

Don't delude yourself. A good dad would not treat his child's mother the way he is treating you.

He is awful. Being able to sit on the sofa and watch you clean up after him is so selfish. Leaving his family every Saturday for 6 hours to play cricket; unless he's getting paid for it, that would be a No. Do you get to have hobbies?

Honestly I think the love would be gone for me at this point but if you're willing to give him another chance, I would give him a list which splits everything 50/50 and give him one chance to engage with it.

If he doesn't, I'd leave him.

Would you want your daughter to end up in a relationship with someone like him?

I still don't understand why so many women put up with this sort of behaviour?!

Also he is not a 'good dad'. Yes your daughter loves him. But kids love shit parents as much as decent parents. I'm sure he had fun with her sometimes. But a good parent -

• takes their kid to school and picks them up
• stays at home with them when they are ill
• is a good role model
• facilitates a smooth family life
• happily spends time alone with their kids and can meet their basic needs - cook for them, do their washing, homework, etc as well as the 'fun' bits
• doesn't spend entire weekends sitting on their arse

Obviously, the first thing to do is stop doing stuff for his Mum and present buying for his family, let him get your DD’s pj’s books sorted, don’t do any laundry or ironing for him.

He’s actually not kind or generous or a good Dad when saying things like he does more than most men, he’s tired, etc. He is being lazy and disrespectful.

Pretty much, obviously it sounds bonkers now but I was only 19 when we met, I came from a family that was chaotic, money was always an issue, emotionally immature parents no stability in anything and he had a good job for his age, was always calm, stable, kind. He had the kind of childhood where his Dads PJ's and slippers were actually laid out for him 🙄so he thought it was normal. We moved in together relatively young and I just never managed to change things.

If I complain to my mum now she just says "well you have it far easier than I ever did" "Men are useless what do you expect" while DH comes from a working class family, we were "below" that really and mum makes it clear that I should be grateful that I'm not stuck in council flat with a bloke that doesn't work and gets stoned all day (very much the norm where I grew up) its made it clear I should consider myself as "done well"

Regarding the comments about getting a cleaner..... I didn't to return work until DD was nearly three, I went back four days a week and made him promise he would help around the house, obviously he didn't, I then went full time and again said I couldn't cope and I would arrange and pay for a cleaner - he was horrified, I pointed out that if he wasn't going to do it and he didn't think I should pay for someone else to do it, that only left me. In hindsight he just doesn't value housework enough to think anyone should be paid to do it and honestly cant understand why I cant do it all myself - it what women do after all 😤

But fuck it, I'm going to get a cleaner

Basically he wants to live in the 1950s but also wants you to work full time. He can't have it both ways. He is either the provider and your the home maker or your a team.

On a practical level this can be fixed to some extent with a cleaner and by you simply dropping tasks that are clearly his (like setting out the pjs and doing admin for his mum, presents for his family and his laundry). That would probably just about lighten the load enough for you to continue struggling on.

But even that wouldn’t fix the underlying problem, which is that your partner in life doesn’t respect you or care about your wellbeing. He doesn’t view you as equal to him and would rather watch you struggle and burnout than pick up his share of the load. Only he can change that and without a drastic change and an acknowledgment of the damage his selfishness has already caused I think this marriage will eventually drown in your hurt and resentment.

Thank you for all the suggestions, it was too much to put in one post but I've tried writing lists, using apps, I even did a survey on unpaid labor on the ONS website for both our workloads and sent him the results, I honestly don't think I'll get through to him.

I've threatened to leave and even mentioned that I had spoken to a mortgage advisor to see if I can buy him out of the house (I probably can- just) and although he did look a bit shocked he just says it would be cruel to to spilt the family up don't I realise what I nice life I could have ....

I know Im not BU really but when him and and my mum are always saying its not that bad, I should think myself lucky etc you start to doubt yourself. I knew I would get a honest answer here and you have all made me feel so much better - thank you 🙌

“ In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly”
Why why why? Who made him your boss?

Get a white board in your kitchen and every day write down a list of the jobs you’ve done and a list of the jobs he’s done so he can see with his eyes the imbalance.

Then after this you can start delegating the jobs under each of your names equally instead.

Defo get a cleaner ,it still seems really pants that he doesnt want to help you though.I think he seems to want a cosy wifey at home and benefits of a 21st c working wife as well!

My DH and I met at 20. His mom was sahp, and also would have in essence laid out slippers and pjs (not literally but in all sense of it). He highly values all the work she did for his dad and would regularly say she's the driving force behind their family unit. When we both worked he was 50:50 with me. Now I'm at home I do the majority of domestic stuff. But he's 50:50 as soon as he's finished working. Equal leisure time equal disposable cash. I'm not bragging (I am)* *but more to emphasise that you don't have to mirror your parents relationship. He can choose to respect all the effort his mother made and not just assume you're going to be the same.

Don't listen to your mum. Unfortunately, it's attitudes like hers that are the reason so many women land up in situations like yours.

Your H is a total waste of space. If he's really not willing to discuss it with you, then it seems to clear you have a basic disagreement about how things should operate in a relationship and I don't think that's sustainable most likely.

Step 1 - make it clear that everything to do with his family is now his job. How on earth did you get lumbered with all that? He needs to sort out his mum’s shopping and all presents.

Step 2-he deals with his laundry. Make it clear when the new regime is starting, and stick to it.

Start there and see how you go. I’d do that before I paid for a cleaner.

In fact that’s exactly what I have done, minus the online shop as PIL are perfectly capable of doing their own.

Op no wonder your mental health was in a bad place , with friends like your H and Mum who needs enemies!
You are starting to realise your H is not the good guy you thought- he’s a selfish mysognist.
Start playing by his rules.
Employ a cleaner
Dont do the extras like PJs etc - if he puts his child to bed he does everything
Dont do his mums shopping etc that’s his responsibility
Buy your shopping on line get it delivered , do what makes your life easier.
Start going out on a Saturday and let him parent. After all he’s not doing you a favour he’s just doing what dads do.
Stop doing his pack lunch
Let him do his own ironing or pay for an ironing service

If he has a tantrum good , let him see what grown ups have to do - care for themselves and their children.

Enough is enough OP . The mouse needs to roar no more!

He's a lazy git.

Have you thought of going on strike for a week? Only doing the bare minimum for you and DD. Otherwise chill on the sofa watching TV with him. See his reaction to that!

My DH earns a lot more, he's FT and I'm PT, and still does a lot more housework than me. He does it so I won't have to. He keeps the place tidy as he doesn't want me spending my free time cleaning and is always encouraging me to focus on my hobbies instead. He'll literally march me out of the kitchen then clean it himself. We also have a cleaner once a week, which he financially covers. Surely a good man wants his wife as stress free and happy as possible?

It's very sad that your DH doesn't care about your relaxation and mental health.

My DH is a generation older than yours, brought up in a traditional home, but he decided when he retired in his 50s to learn how to cook proper everyday meals rather than just bbq or show off meals.
Now he does at least 3 meals a week

We have a cleaner. I do a whizz around on Saturdays, sort the online shop and do the morning jobs like emptying the dishwasher and sorting the dog. I also do the ironing of dd's uniform and my stuff and my family admin

Dh does most of the driving including ferrying dd around to hobbies, the gardening, his family admin, he walks the dog more than me

We share:
Cooking and clear up
Family admin
Washing, drying, putting away.

I think it works out pretty even. We work similar hours and he earns more than me and wfh more than me but we don't take that into account as that's work time so we'll do a quick job at lunchtime but that's it.

We also share all money so making sure the bills are paid falls on us both equally. He wouldn't see me struggling while he's out having fun. We're a team!