To think DH should do more around the house?

[wonderings2]

Moaney post...sorry...

DH and I both work full time, I WFH & he works a 10 drive away. He earns about 20-30% more than me and I contribute a slightly lower percentage of my salary to shared pot. We have DD (5) who is in school a 1 1/2 miles away.

DH's jobs:

Puts DD to bed (I set out the PJ's, sort a drink and book to read - he does the rest)
Takes DD to his Nans at the weekend for 2 hours so I get a "break"
Put the bins out
Go and see my Dad once a week (this takes 2 hours)
Cuts the grass in the summer
Sorts out car MoT's, services etc

My jobs:

Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food
All tidying and cleaning in the house
All washing and ironing, putting clothes away
All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family)
All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week)
All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass.
Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)
Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc

For three Saturdays in a row he sat on the sofa literally all day and watched TV while I tried to catch up with everything, I didn't stop all day cooking cleaning, washing ironing and he sat on the sofa and watched me.
From May to September he'll be out most Saturdays from lunch time until 8pm playing cricket.

Im so effing tired and worn down, I had a run of poor mental health last year and let the house get in a bit of a muddle (obviously everyone was fed and clothed and DD's room is always clean and tidy) but our bedroom especially got really bad & I dropped the haircuts, nails etc. I'm feeling much better now and gradually chipping away at everything but whenever I point out that he should help he just points out the bedroom and asks why he should bother?

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

I'm so torn because he can be kind and generous and is good Dad (aside from setting terrible example about the division of household labor) He would never admit it but he honestly thinks that the house and childcare is for women to do.

In all honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly and I know most women have to do more but is this really the norm? Am I just lazy and a terrible housewife because I cant keep on top of everything, do I just need to pull my big pants up and get on with it?

I'm sorry, but he is a sexist twat. You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to. I wouldn't, personally.

Think about your dd. What kind of future do you want for her? Bearing that in mind, what example do you want to set for her?

He thinks you have a nice life! Really? He obviously has a nice life. I'd love to have a wife and kids and do nothing but work. He's basing his 'you have a nice life' on HIS life and how nice HIS life is because you facilitate everything.

Tbh it sounds like you're at a stage now where you either out up with it as it is now, as he's never going to change, or you leave. Tbh I know which I'd rather do

Honestly I don’t think the housework should have anything to do with gender, it should just be whoever has the time/opportunity. I wfh 3 days a week and mid week I do the bulk of the housework but thats because I can pop a wash on during my lunch break, I can run the hoover round before I log on, can do the dishes while the kettle boils etc, I have more opportunity to do those things because I’m in the house. However on DH’s 1 wfh day he does exactly the same. On a weekend we both contribute equally as both have equal time, I genuinely cannot imagine DH sitting on the sofa watching me while I ran round cleaning the house that’s awful!

From your list:
Buy, prepare, cook and clean up the food

All tidying and cleaning in the house - give him the hoover on saturdays

All washing and ironing, putting clothes away 0 he needs to help and do his bit of this

All birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards and presents. (Including DD's, DD's friends & his family) just DROP THE ROPW - he looks after his family presents as of now.

All school runs (it would be possible for him to do a few week) - set up a rota and stick to it

All school activities, booking school meals, homework, school clubs, parent workshops etc (Christmas was bonkers as we know)

All other gardening that isn't cutting the grass. sod that for a game of soldiers - get someone in

Buy and sort DD;s clothes, donate old clothes buy school uniform (two weeks before she started he didn't even know what colour jumper she needed)

Order his mums food shop, make sure her phone is topped up, order her things on online and any admin etc - Again, he needs to do this. It's all set up, he takes over as of now.

Whenever I raise it (which I do all the time) he claims he does more than most men he knows, that he doesn't know any men that cook and that he's fed up of me having a go at him, hes tired after being at work all day, I cant possibly understand how stressful is job is sometimes etc etc

Right, stop asking, start TELLING!

Just because his mates are MORE CRAP than he is doesn't get him off the hook. Give him his family gifts stuff back, give him his mother back, and tell him he is doing school run 4 days a week.

If he is sat on his arse - give him the hoover and ask him to get on with it.

Remind him you said you would leave. Remind him HE PROMISED to help out and hasn't.

Stop washing his clothes

You could get a cleaner, but that is still letting him off the hook somehow. make sure he clears up crap before the cleaner comes

Tell him you can't have sex with a man child. Major ick.

I've had issues with OH.

I didnt work for about a year - lost my job and there were lots of projects to do with building etc so I just managed them.

As a result, i did everything, because otherwise I would have been bored.

I then got a job, OH then has semi retired and he still wafts about not doing much - so I throw a strop every so often, tell him to pitch in and tell him that resentment kills sex lives and if that is what he wants to do, crack on.

We're getting there.

But I don't and never have done any of that bollocks with gifting, his mother is awful and even he has nothing to do with her. he does what I ask, but nothing occurs to him unless I do. that is mental load that I am struggling with atm.but bit by bit I am getting there.

WE've been together 7 years tho, older etc, so different dynamic, but still similar feelings. Be strong little sister, you got this and you will sort it out one way or another

1. Is he truly so dimwitted that he doesn't know where his child's pyjamas are kept? How much "sorting" can a drink and a book be that he's incapable?
2. If he thinks it would be ok for his daughter to be treated like this one day, he's a shitty dad and she deserves better (he already thinks it's ok to treat your dads daughter this way so he's a shitty husband)
3. He's building his life of leisure on the back of your exhaustion and he genuinely doesn't give a fuck. So he's a shitty human.
4. Just stop it, woman! What do you care if he eats or has clean pants? You should care only as much as he cares about your belly and pants. So zero fucks, then.
5. And he can deal with his own mother, too.
6. This isn't a marriage, it's a life sentence. For your daughters if not your own sake, get bail.

Why do you think ‘women should do more’? Because he’s made you think that way. We split things and sometimes DH will do more and other times it will be me. I was unwell a few weeks ago, DH did the shopping, laundry, cooking and took care of me. I thanked him and he looked at me like I had grown an extra head and said ‘i’m a grown adult I can handle a home’. I’m always glad I married him.

I would stop doing anything for him. I wouldn't cook his food. I wouldn't do his laundry.

This is absolutely not ok and would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to do half the cleaning and he needs to cook half the dinners. You both work full time. Why are you expected to both work full time and be a housewife?

Honestly I wouldn't be ok with modeling this situation to my children.

"honestly I wouldn't ever expect everything to be divided fairly"

Erm why not? Yes everything should be divided fairly

If he doesn't get it in terms of tasks, ask him why he deserves more down time than you when you both work full time (i.e. the leisure gap). Why is it ok for him to sit on the sofa while you work yourself into the ground. Is this the behaviour of someone who loves and respects their life partner? If he insists on playing cricket in the summer I'd go out myself on the Sunday for exactly the same length of time as him.

Why do you allow this??

STOP doing shit for him. TELL him he is a lazy arsehole and he needs to pull his weight or else he can do 100% of housework, cooking and life admin, as a divorved man living alone.

Absolutely no chance in hell I'd do what you're doing while he lays on the sofa.

Set higher standards for yourself, you do not deserve to spend your one, precious life being a skivvy for a man child!

Why is he comparing his contribution with what random men allegedly do? He should compare it with what you do.

Getting a cleaner wont change him and it wont fix the problem of him being a disrespectful manbaby.

It will just delay the divorce!

At the end of the day, a woman will still be doing all the housework, reinforcing his ideas that cooking and cleaning are women's work!

Just stop doing stuff. Go on strike until he learns how to be a grown up don't facilitate this another day.

His attitude would be fine if you didn’t also work full time.

Yes, in a previous era you would have done everything at home, but you wouldn’t have worked either. Anyone who isn’t stupid can very clearly see that in a household with both parents working, the old-fashioned division of domestic duties just means the woman ends up with two jobs. How can he sit there letting you do everything? It’s mind-boggling.

I think you should consider therapy to untangle your chaotic childhood and why you have put up with this shit for so long. Perhaps couples therapy too. I agree with you it sounds like he thinks housework is nothing and therefore can just be squeezed in. Although tbh if it’s nothing surely he could just do it.

Get a cleaner. Stop ironing, ready meals three times a week and book yourself half a day out of the house - Saturday morning swim and sauna , yoga and coffee . He knows fine well he is not pulling his weight: asking him nicely is pointless. Seize power. Next time he’s looking for a bit if “special time” tell him sorry I’m so knackered from carrying you, you lazy shit, I’m too exhausted. He will only treat you like a doormat if you let him. He needs to pull his weight; he is not going you a favour. Alternatively go into the office every day.

I've been married for 26+ years to a man who cherishes, values, and respects me. Everyone deserves this. You will never have that and it's very, very sad. I'm 50 now and I can't imagine having to look back with sadness and regret over how I chose to live.

You need to switch focus to "we need equal leisure time, how do we make that happen?"

My DH is in his 70s now and we married in our 30s. He has always done the cooking and the food shopping. Even when I was a SAHM for 7 years. He was brought up by his Mum to cook, clean, change beds etc. So, I didn’t have to teach him

Both of our grown up DSs are the same when it comes to housework and other family chores. They are in their 30s, so your “D”H has no excuse at all!

Good luck, OP.

There is nothing ‘nice life’ about being exhausted, frazzled, burning out and slaving all day Saturday while someone who SUPPOSEDLY loves you lies on the sofa like a beached whale watching you stress and work. ‘No dear, you’ve got a great life, I’m stressed out of mind living with an entitled man and doing everything for our family.’
drop his mums admin now. Group message her with her and your dh on it: hi Doreen , just to let you know Dh is doing the food shop for you and other things from now on, we’ve had to shift around what we are each doing as I’m not really coping at the moment to be honest! He might need some training, you just have to tell him though!
and never ever think about it again. but point out very clearly that he is still only doing his own thing, it’s his mum, he hasn’t taken on a single thing FOR YOU, and he needs to.

i think you should take a week off on your own. Cheaper than a divorce after all. Leave a list of everything you do in a week and a photo of what the kitchen should look like.

Also, I don’t know any men who do as little as your dh. None. Our school and friend community is full of involved dads who cook shop clean tidy ferry kids here there and everywhere. My Dh is making my friends husbands hamburgers now after a bbq we had together, I regularly see another male friend on the train heading in to arrive at the office by 9:30 after we’ve both dropped our kids in various places. They are scout leaders, basketball coaches, school form signers who do a load of laundry every few days. Thats a modern dad. Yours is a dinosaur and you do not have to put up with that, for your health you must not, women can’t do the whole busy job and then everything at home. My 2yo is home sick this week- Dh did tues and Thurs and I am doing Wed and Fri.

Also, I don’t know any men who do as little as your dh.

I second this. This includes my father who is now in his 80s, my other elderly relatives and my grandfathers when they were alive.