Overheard nanny speaking to DS

[AlmostCutMyHairToday]

Our 2.5yr DS had a meltdown this morning after we did the handover with a new-ish nanny (it's her third day). I was upstairs and could overhear her saying, sternly, not to cry and that mummy/daddy won't come unless he stops crying, mummy/daddy said they don't like it when he cries as it's too loud.

It makes me really sad and uncomfortable, and that's not the way we parent. During the interview we were clear about our parenting approach, and how we never say 'stop crying', etc. We accept all feelings and set boundaries around actions - eg being sad/angry is ok, but hitting is not, etc. We give him space to feel, let the meltdown run its course, and comfort him when he asks to be comforted. If it's a really bad meltdown we use distraction techniques. We don't threaten, we don't abandon, etc.

I'll be speaking to her later when I'm home, and things have calmed down, but I was wondering if anyone has tips on how best to approach this with her. I have had issues in the past with nannies saying they understand the gentle parenting approach, but then reverting to what they normally do/the parenting style they grew up with.

Am I being deluded to think it's possible to change someone's approach? Or has anyone had success with this? She's quite a bit older, and very experienced.

It's complicated by the fact that it's hard to find a nanny that speaks my native language (which we're trying to teach to DS), so would be tricky to replace her, but we will if she doesn't change.

I doubt you will change her approach if she knew how you wanted her to be and has not done that as soon as day 3. The fact that she is telling your child that you and your partner have said this would not be acceptable for me. And I’d be concerned that this happened whilst you were still in the house - what is she going to be telling him when you are out?

I think if she is an older experienced nanny then she is likely to be fairly set in her ways. It sounds like she's not a good fit for your family.

I would find a new nanny. Wrt the language issue could you not have an English speaking nanny and you speak to DS in your native language? 1P1L works really well for a couple of families I know who are doing it.

Perhaps you could say that you inadvertantly heard her and that using being good for mummy/daddy as an incentive does not tend work well for that child and suggest some alternatives. Such as their favourite toy is xyz and suggesting to play with that or playing hide and seek or a biscuits later.
It may be that not knowing your child very well yet, she is still trying to figure out how to manage your child out of the mood. What works for one kid often doesn't work for another, you have to get to know them to know what works as an incentive/punishment.
I've used the line "Would your mum/dad like you doing that?" to misbehaving kids in playgrounds throwing sand or stones when I don't know the kid and can't figure out the parent.

You could also try to tactfully say that mummy/daddy don't tend to withhold affection as a punishment for them being naughty, because you miss them all day. So your child is going to suss fairly quickly anything they say along those lines is not true. But I'd probably get to know them more before trying to subtly get that across.

I would definitely address this. I also wouldn't limit your choice of nanny by language tbh.

Tell here and have a cctv around the house and tell her about that.

I've seen and am guilty of it, eg, say something to our children when they were younger now gradkids but it makes me uncomfortable when someone else said it, said something I did not like and now our grandkids parents at times say something to their children and I am not happy - its life. With a nanny, its building trust and it takes a split second to lose it all

If you overheard her saying things to your dc that you don’t like, why on earth didn’t you just go down there and then and explain what approach you’d prefer in that situation? The nanny was being somewhat harsh but you were being odd!

we never say 'stop crying', etc. We accept all feelings and set boundaries around actions - eg being sad/angry is ok.

We give him space to feel, let the meltdown run its course, and comfort him when he asks to be comforted.

If it's a really bad meltdown we use distraction techniques.

Is this a toddler we are talking about or a 38 year old man?

You heard what you heard, she's not a good fit. She doesn't get it, you feel uneasy for a reason. You might have to compromise in some area, maybe the language is a better compromise than this. Either way, find another.

I wouldn't let someone like that care for my child. She's old and experienced, you won't change her ways.

I would fire anyone who told my child that I wouldn't come to them because they were crying. Or that he wasn't allowed to be upset. Total dealbreaker.

What on earth are you on about.

I'd be sacking her, and finding a new nanny.
After 3 days she should remember what you said, she's clearly not right for the role!

Good luck finding a nanny that will accept that the toddler is in charge

@Lassiata What bit of @NotQuiteNorma post didnt you understand?

What was your ds having a meltdown about?

I suspect this is true. I was a sahm for many years and saw lots and lots of nannies. Two treated their charges as you and I would like OP. They were loving and gentle and interested in them.. they didn't sit in baby classes stuck to their phones, letting toddlers eat glitter and ignoring them for 1 1/2 hours except to send a staged photo to mummy.

In my opinion it is completely unacceptable to speak to a 2 and a half year old like that, particularly when he hasn't had chance to bond to her yet so will be feeling sad. Also, she must have known there was a chance you could overhear so clearly has no shame/qualms about her approach - and only 3 days in?!

It makes me really sad and uncomfortable

And how do you think your kid felt?! Go down and advocate for your child. V odd you just listened to it, wringing your hands and feeling 😥Boo hoo you.

And if you are 'trying' to teach your child your language, use your language with them all the time, it will be OK, you don't necessarily need the nanny to native speak.

I wouldn’t be able to trust her after what she said with you in the house. I dread to think what she’d say if you were out.

How many nannies have you had?

You both deserve someone more alignednwoth your styles. Ultimately you dont have to like your nanny but you do have to trust anyone looking after your child.

Our best and most gentle nannies were students who were studying to be play therapist. We advertised through the uni. This wouldn't work if you want a full time nanny or dont live near a training provider.

I'm a Nanny.

if I were you I'd have gone downstairs & asked her to leave. Thats not the way to speak to an upset 2 year old.

im older & experienced and some parenting these days isn't 'gentle' it's 'let them do as they please' and I won't work for those parents.

Her behaviour was unacceptable. Day 3, is very much still 'new' & she needs to be building a bond with him, not telling him to stop crying and what not about you.

you don't need a nanny who speaks your native language, one parent is enough - only use your native language with him.

look for someone who is going to care about him & his mental well being.

I’m an ex nanny and now a mum and I would suggest that you replace her at once-empathy cannot be taught ime, she sounds totally unsuitable to be looking after children.