Overheard nanny speaking to DS

[AlmostCutMyHairToday]

Our 2.5yr DS had a meltdown this morning after we did the handover with a new-ish nanny (it's her third day). I was upstairs and could overhear her saying, sternly, not to cry and that mummy/daddy won't come unless he stops crying, mummy/daddy said they don't like it when he cries as it's too loud.

It makes me really sad and uncomfortable, and that's not the way we parent. During the interview we were clear about our parenting approach, and how we never say 'stop crying', etc. We accept all feelings and set boundaries around actions - eg being sad/angry is ok, but hitting is not, etc. We give him space to feel, let the meltdown run its course, and comfort him when he asks to be comforted. If it's a really bad meltdown we use distraction techniques. We don't threaten, we don't abandon, etc.

I'll be speaking to her later when I'm home, and things have calmed down, but I was wondering if anyone has tips on how best to approach this with her. I have had issues in the past with nannies saying they understand the gentle parenting approach, but then reverting to what they normally do/the parenting style they grew up with.

Am I being deluded to think it's possible to change someone's approach? Or has anyone had success with this? She's quite a bit older, and very experienced.

It's complicated by the fact that it's hard to find a nanny that speaks my native language (which we're trying to teach to DS), so would be tricky to replace her, but we will if she doesn't change.

This really confused me as well.

saying, sternly, not to cry and that mummy/daddy won't come unless he stops crying, mummy/daddy said they don't like it when he cries as it's too loud.

Hang on, so to stop toddlers thinking "they're in charge" we pay relative strangers to do the above?

Righto. Doesn't sound like a recipe for life long robust emotional and mental heath and secure attachement to me.

My personal view is that gentle parenting is gentle parenting: it isn’t gentle nannying or gentle teachers or gentle nursery workers.

Nannies can be more personal of course but I do think it does children good to have a range of approaches to behaviour (bar abusive of course.)

I think it’s fine to ask her not to but I’m unsure if you and DH were in the house and working at this point. Working from home with a young child there is very difficult for everybody I think.

I wouldnt have her nannying my child. With the language issue- one parent speaking it is ample and the priority should be someone empathetic.

I would find a different Nanny. You are not compatible in terms of parenting style. I was a nanny and I'd never talk to a child like this.

I think you would be better to make arrangements to parent yourself. When you get a nanny you are not getting a replacement you.

I think you have very clear ideas about what can and can't be said to your child and you are unlikely to find exactly that person. If you are around your child is going to cry until you come back. If you don't want the nanny to try and stop this then you need to be there too until the child no longer cares that you are there or not. Yes you want the nanny to be kind and caring of course but if your child non stop cries for you until you return that link between crying and your return needs changing.

What have you put in place for this situation? Do you want the nanny to call you back after a set amount of time trying x u or z first?

Get rid. She sounds awful.

You have to remember nanny is not a substitute for you. I agree an empathetic approach and genuine interest in your child is needed with firm but fair boundaries. I think from how she’s been with him, get rid but also examine your own expectations and boundaries too before you hire the next one

typo edit

Is your child neurodivergent? Do you mean an actual meltdown or a toddler tantrum?

A good nanny looking after 1 toddler should be capable of looking after your child and tailoring their approach to your extremely reasonable directions. Yes, it can be harder when the parents are around but if the nanny is kind, proactively engaging with and playing with the toddler then it shouldn’t be that hard to distract them from wanting mummy.

Sack her. That's no way to treat a child and if she's a professional she should know that.

I would have been going straight back in the house after hearing that! She's shouting at your two year old for crying, my child used To cry every morning at nursery drop off and id have been horrified of any of the staff behaved like this. I would be ditching her pronto.

Why did you not say anything there and then when you heard it?

Sounds like you need to get rid. It's not just going to be this one thing, it's her whole ethos.

She sounds awful! You can't teach empathy. Don't think you can change her by having a tactful conversation.

She doesn't sound a good fit for your parenting style, but I got red flags raised when I read

I have had issues in the past with nannies saying they understand the gentle parenting approach, but then reverting to what they normally do/the parenting style they grew up with.

It might be that you have older children who had nannies, but if not, and you've had issues with this in the past with other nannies, it sounds as if you are on nanny 3 as a minimum, for a still very young child. To me this might indicate unreasonable expectations on your part.

Honestly though, no one will care for your child exactly as you'd like 100% of the time. Heck, even I don't parent as I'd like 100% of the time. Having a nanny in the same house, that you can overhear is bound to be tricky. Their boundaries will be different. Their tolerances will be different for different things.

She should try to follow your general approach, but she's not going to be exactly like you in day to day reality.

So personally I wouldn't ditch her over a single comment overheard, and would instead see what she's like in general looking after your child.

I would ditch her. I think that is cruel and it would be totally unacceptable to me.

Yes but this isn’t whatever the alternative to gentle parenting is either. It’s vile to speak to a child that way - telling them mummy won’t come if you cry because she doesn’t like it. There’s firm and then there’s just fear-mongering.

Doesn’t matter if she’s a gentle parent or not. The nanny’s behaviour was cruel and unacceptable for any child.

If she’s threatening a 2.5 year old in order for them to stop crying it sounds like she absolutely doesn’t know what she’s doing. What threats does she have in store for your child not eating… for toilet accidents etc…

Get rid now.

It is the native language that is an issue in finding a nanny with your parenting style.
Finding someone with the same parenting style as you is not easy, and by insisting they have to know your native language you are majorly restricting the pool of candidates.

I think that was a really quite cruel thing to say and I would be furious and sacking her.

I am interested however as are some other posters - is this the third nanny you’ve had for the 2.5 yr old? If so while I don’t think you’re unreasonable here then I assume there are other aspects of working with you that are difficult. And a constant merry go round of carers really isn’t good for your son’s well-being.

I also think you’d be far better not focusing on the language - the child won’t learn English if all he hears is your native tongue. Surely it’s better to grow up bilingual? And easier to find a nanny that meets all other requirements…..

Well, presumably yes, hence the post!

I agree with everyone saying this sounds like not the right fit for your family, OP. FWIW I also agree with posters noting that it's rare that a nanny will completely reproduce your exact parenting style, and that's not always a bad thing, but the shouting and telling a 2.5yr old that they can't cry is a definite red flag for me!

Former nanny and I would never speak to a child that way. It would be a red flag to me as a mom.

That said if you've had 3+ nannies, that would be a red flag to me as a nanny.