Overheard nanny speaking to DS

[AlmostCutMyHairToday]

Our 2.5yr DS had a meltdown this morning after we did the handover with a new-ish nanny (it's her third day). I was upstairs and could overhear her saying, sternly, not to cry and that mummy/daddy won't come unless he stops crying, mummy/daddy said they don't like it when he cries as it's too loud.

It makes me really sad and uncomfortable, and that's not the way we parent. During the interview we were clear about our parenting approach, and how we never say 'stop crying', etc. We accept all feelings and set boundaries around actions - eg being sad/angry is ok, but hitting is not, etc. We give him space to feel, let the meltdown run its course, and comfort him when he asks to be comforted. If it's a really bad meltdown we use distraction techniques. We don't threaten, we don't abandon, etc.

I'll be speaking to her later when I'm home, and things have calmed down, but I was wondering if anyone has tips on how best to approach this with her. I have had issues in the past with nannies saying they understand the gentle parenting approach, but then reverting to what they normally do/the parenting style they grew up with.

Am I being deluded to think it's possible to change someone's approach? Or has anyone had success with this? She's quite a bit older, and very experienced.

It's complicated by the fact that it's hard to find a nanny that speaks my native language (which we're trying to teach to DS), so would be tricky to replace her, but we will if she doesn't change.

Could you approach Norland to ask whether they have a nanny on their books who could meet your particular needs?

https://www.norland.ac.uk/norland-agency/

Norland nannies are pretty old fashioned. OP is not looking for an old fashioned approach.

That's true. I was trying to think of a reputable agency which might be able to offer a nanny meeting the specific language requirement.

Which agency would you suggest?

She probably isn't a good fit for your parenting style and does sound like she isn't a great nanny. Just as a side note unless your ds is autistic they did not have a meltdown they had a tantrum. Please don't confuse the 2. They are very different things and need dealt with differently.

It would put my right off the nanny and think she's not the right fit for the family. Saying 'stop crying' is really poor. Doesn't sound like she put much effort into helping him with his emotions.

Couldn't agree more.

Demanding a child stifles their upset by making them feel ashamed and fearful mummy or daddy won't come because they don't approve. 😡 How dare she.

Making yourself not appear upset doesn't not mean you are not upset, it just means you've learnt to put out an acceptable front... Utterly useless for the child, might make the adults more comfortable because they don't have to see it.

For a 2 yo that's a big ask as well as a damaging response to upset. There is nothing constructive about it.
All you need to do is help them through the upset, and then, if needed, reflect on it in an age appropriate way. Be their safe harbour while the emotions pass through. It's not difficult.

I think it will be hard for her to change but I would be very clear about what is acceptable to you and not acceptable and let her know it's a deal breaker and see what she says.

Whilst I agree that meltdowns are different to tantrums, and it was likely a tantrum here, autism doesn't have a monopoly on meltdowns.

My eldest has many tantrums and one meltdown. They were very different. No autism.

My youngest has meltdowns frequently. Not autistic. She does however have a brain injury.

This is a side point though that maybe should be discussed elsewhere.

I would say the nanny is not a good fit for your family and your parenting approach and look for a new one.

The fact you have had so many nanny's possibly means you will need to compromise either with the language or the discipline approach.

I'm wondering if speakers of your native language typically have a more authoritarian approach to discipline and therefore finding someone who speaks the language and has the same approach to discipline may be tricky.

@AlmostCutMyHairToday

Which language are you teaching to your son, OP?

I wouldn't have liked that either! Finding a good nanny is like gold dust. I'm a sahm now because I've had quite a few and tbh if they are in sole charge you never know what really happens. Not all, but a lot. I worked PT so I could also hear what's going on at home and even the nicest and best nannies just had something an issue too. My very best nanny who absolutely adored my children thought it very normal to test whether food was hot or not by taking a lick of the baby's spoon and then putting it in her mouth 🤮. Never thought I needed to ask someone not to do that but apparently it was. The fact that your nanny did this loudly not bothered that you were home, makes me think that this is normal to her. It really makes you consider what may be normal to some and not acceptable to you, and what you don't know goes on while you weren't there. I wouldn't keep her just because she knows your native language.

Not the right fit for you.

As well as hqving a completely different approach to dealing with behaviour, invoking you as part of threat would have got my back up.

It’s one thing if she’d said that e.g. she doesn’t like the loud noise, but it’s particularly out of order to cast you as the bad guy.

And as an experienced nanny with a particular style she should have flagged this before you took her on.

I'm not a 'gentle parent' and there is absolutely no way I would say those things to any child.

I would have asked her to leave straight away.

This person outright lied to a child about what the parents" response to that child's distress would be. And they did it in order to make their own working day a tiny bit easier. This person has no business working with children.

You should fire her.

This is all kinds of wrong.

Same. I work with young children and would never do this, we would comfort and reassure that mummy will be back later for them and has just gone to do some jobs etc.

Well said

Forget the language bit. Find someone else.

I agree with a pp who says the entire ethos of this nanny is clear, and unacceptable.

If she would speak sharply and in those terms to the child when she thought you might be within earshot, what would she do when she knows you're nowhere near?

I have worked as a nanny - the handover is always tricky and the level of crying and general misery is unpredictable from one day to the next. Someone who is frustrated by crying, wailing, or screaming for mummy at handover time isn't as experienced as she says she is, takes the crying personally (interprets it as personal rejection), doesnt have confidence in her own ability to manage the situation and end up with a peaceful, happy, child (she panics, in other words), and doesn't appreciate that small children are doing the absolute best they can every minute of the day.

@mathanxiety you're so articulate, great post.

I think you need to find a nanny whose style you like rather than telling them what style you want them to have / use.

and when you hand your child over to another carer you need to let them be in charge. They will not do it exactly like you want. However, when you employ someone be careful to choose someone you like and trust. But don’t confuse that with thinking you can tell them how to do everything. That’s not how it works.

Fire her. She is obviously a bitch.

I'd fire her.

That’s horrible, Op! I hope you had a talk with her concerning this! Or are considering firing her,

This. VERY difficult to change old habits. Horrible that she shamed your poor dc. Wow. Also, I applaud you for gentle parenting; it’s not easy,
but you ARE doing the right thing ♥️

of showing basic respect? Your comment is moronic. It is possible to find caring, sensible adults to care for children you know. Besides, people who don’t rely on shaming kids are much more likely to have obedient kids. Just a thought.