Overheard nanny speaking to DS

[AlmostCutMyHairToday]

Our 2.5yr DS had a meltdown this morning after we did the handover with a new-ish nanny (it's her third day). I was upstairs and could overhear her saying, sternly, not to cry and that mummy/daddy won't come unless he stops crying, mummy/daddy said they don't like it when he cries as it's too loud.

It makes me really sad and uncomfortable, and that's not the way we parent. During the interview we were clear about our parenting approach, and how we never say 'stop crying', etc. We accept all feelings and set boundaries around actions - eg being sad/angry is ok, but hitting is not, etc. We give him space to feel, let the meltdown run its course, and comfort him when he asks to be comforted. If it's a really bad meltdown we use distraction techniques. We don't threaten, we don't abandon, etc.

I'll be speaking to her later when I'm home, and things have calmed down, but I was wondering if anyone has tips on how best to approach this with her. I have had issues in the past with nannies saying they understand the gentle parenting approach, but then reverting to what they normally do/the parenting style they grew up with.

Am I being deluded to think it's possible to change someone's approach? Or has anyone had success with this? She's quite a bit older, and very experienced.

It's complicated by the fact that it's hard to find a nanny that speaks my native language (which we're trying to teach to DS), so would be tricky to replace her, but we will if she doesn't change.

I’m also a former nanny and a “mature” woman, who wasn’t raised with gentle parenting, and I’d never in a million years say something like that to a toddler.

I had a bag of tricks for the morning separation, looking at fire engines on the street, blowing bubbles on the deck, looking for favourite teddy in the bedroom etc etc. My last little guy used to escort his mum to her home office as soon as I arrived, “you go a work now momma”.

I’d definitely discuss this with her and be clear about your expectations. However it sounds like she may not be the right fit for you.

Whenever I had an interview, I considered that I was also interviewing the family. I turned down lots of job opportunities because I didn’t think we were a good fit.

🤣🤣 Some might say a nanny setting appropriate boundaries is a good way to care for a child, perhaps better than a parent that let's the child do what they want when they want. Different strokes for different folks. This parent has a tiny toddler and has already had 3 nannies already. I guess that potentially says it all really.

What the nanny said was abusive, she lied and said the parents wouldn't come if the child was crying. The nanny was using emotional abuse.

The nanny wasn't setting boundaries, they were telling the child an emotionally frightening thing to scare them into stopping crying.

A boundary is something like 'if you don't let the other child have their turn on the slide I will take you home'.

Scaring a child to stop them crying is emotional control, not appropriate boundary setting.

Just sack her. Unacceptable way to speak to a child.

Exactly this. I worry for any child of an adult who thinks the way the nanny spoke to this child is ok.

Very good point! My 16 year old ADHD’er has had a massive meltdown this morning. I think it’s been brewing for a while, it was a huuuge one. Even at his age I let him get it out of his system and then hug him while he cries. 😢

I think this too (although I suspect most gentle parenting isn't parenting at all, but that's a different discussion). I'd be surprised if any professional childcare person used this approach, but if that's important to you OP and obviously you're paying for it then this is what I would start with as the requirement from a nanny, then look at other factors such as the language etc

Thanks all for your thoughts.

To clarify - during DS’s tantrum the nanny didn’t shout or loose her temper. But what she said was not right.

For those assuming we’ve gone through/pushed away loads of nannies - We’ve had 2 nannies, she’s our 3rd. The first was with us for a year and left for a full time job, and the second left suddenly due to caring needs, so we’ve had to find someone v quickly (we don’t have other help / can’t reduce work hours).
They both had different styles, and we would have been happy to continue with them as there was nothing major we clashed on. One of them really got the gentle parenting approach, the other didn’t really engage with it - I got the feeling it has a bit of a bad rep in her nanny circle as they see some bad examples of gentle parenting and just assume that’s what it is. It’s a shame they aren’t more open to looking into it, but to each their own!
At the end of the day, it does DS good to be exposed to different approaches. But I draw the line at fear mongering, and I don’t think this current nanny will be the right fit in the long run.

I did speak with her when I got home and made it clear how we do / don’t approach tantrums and boundary setting. She seemed very receptive to feedback, however I'm not 100% sure she fully gets it. We will monitor over the next few days, but also start searching for a replacement (widening the search to english speaking too!).

In our culture this approach used to be very normal - I grew up with threats/actual smacking with a wooden spoon - in the 80s/90s. And I still have to tell my mum not to tell DS to stop crying even though she says it in a 'nice way'.
So I think this nanny is just a bit old school. She seems very competent and responsible in a ‘get the job done’ kind of way, but to be honest we had a niggling doubt whether she'd be right for us. It’s been really hard finding someone, we had so much flakiness - people not showing up for interviews, people not replying/ghosting even after getting through the interview/reference stage when we were ready to confirm… so we were glad to find someone who seemed more responsible! Anyway, we'll monitor, and keep looking..!

This is a great shout! We had the BEST babysitter who's studying to be a play therapist. It was pretty amazing to see how she played with DS - he had an absolute ball, and just laughed all day.

Exactly what I was thinking!!!

I don't get your comment. Do you mean to say that a toddler doesn't deserve the same respect for their feelings as an adult?

Yup phones and nannies was a big thing in our local parks.

Isnt a meltdown just when things get too much emotionally; but a tantrum is intentional display of anger and frustration designed for effect or result ?

Perfectly sensible.

From a mothers point of view ' meltdowns' are best delt with more affection / hugs, not admonishment or threats.
So she should hold a hand and soothe. Say Im sorry youre sad. I will makke it better. Let me make it better

Get rid of her.

You will never be able to trust her.

I wouldn’t put up with it. I had to put DS in holiday club last summer for the first time (5yo). He really wasn’t enjoying it, especially the second week. One day, he wouldn’t stop crying and was asking for me. The staff told him they had phoned me but I couldn’t come and get him. I was furious that they’d lied to him, so I didn’t send him back.