To tell husband he is fat

[Howtosaythis]

Husband is very obese, having gained about 5 stone in the last decade (he's now 40). I am extremely worried about his health. He has a taste for very processed food, meat, beer, and fizzy drinks. He avoids fresh food and vegetables (if I serve them for dinner he will eat a mouthful then go make himself a ham sandwich) and flat-out refuses to exercise.

He has a family history of poor health. His mother has been pre-diabetic for many years and horrifyingly we're starting to see the impact of it and she is not well. We're all distraught. Going back several generations on his mother's side, a lot of family members have died of cancer, and I'm sure this puts my husband at higher risk.

He won't talk about it. He wants to change and sometimes I can see him trying to diet by replacing meals with cans of Coke (I wish I was joking). He loses a couple of kilos here and there but it's never sustained.

What can I do to help him? I'm silently beside myself thinking that he is taking himself to an early grave.

Personal trainer? Therapy? Dont buy crap so it isnt in the house?

He knows he is overweight so yes, you telling him 'you are fat' is both unreasonable and unkind. You can however chose loving gentle language to discuss options without judgement. Do you think you are capable of doing g that for someone you presumably love?

Don’t use the word fat but spell out to him your concerns about his health.

I’m here with DP. It’s not aesthetic for me, but I’m so worried about his health.

He used to be super fit and still eats like he did in his 20s when he was exercising hard four hours a day, six days a week. His job is now much more sedentary and he’s gained over 70kgs.

If I raise it, he agrees, but he just doesn’t have the will to do anything about it and avoids going to the GP because he knows they’ll say something.

No ideas, but share your worries and hopeful for suggestions!

OP for all the reasons you state and your worry, you are right to tell your husband.

This is no way to live and once he turns it around, he will feel so much better in himself.

@TwylaSands he buys the junk himself. A PT I could suggest but not a therapist as he's not a big one for discussing feelings.

@Hillrunning hopefully my whole post shows that I love him. I'm not going to be pointing ans name calling and laughing.

@Calvinlookingforhobbs thanks. I'm scared to try but maybe it'll work.

@MrsHughesPinny sorry to hear it. I hope he manages to get on top of it for both your sakes.

11stone?
Goodness. I can’t fathom that sort of gain.
Would your dh not start exercising again, he obviously enjoyed it once.
Fil’s neighbour literally walked his weight off, he started on short walks and eventually was walking for several hours.

@Peaceupatown I know! I just know that if he gets into it properly he'll wish he started so much earlier. But it's just convincing him to invest in it.

Do you do the food shopping for the household? If so, I find it better (for all
of us) to not buy any rubbish at all and therefore we just have treats etc when we’re out or might pick them up on a weekend. Buy extra fruit and nuts etc - if that’s all there is then they’ll be eaten!

@Tilleuil Yep. 10 years ago he was a Marine; it wasn’t so much that he enjoyed it as he had to do it! He’s now 165kg. The problem is that exercise—any exercise—hurts him and he says it’s humiliating. I love him to bits and still think he’s gorgeous but positive messaging isn’t helping and I would never say anything awful to him. I just wish he would find the will to tackle it before it’s too late, he’s only just 40.

Telling him he is fat will be so unhelpful. He will already know and and hint of shame based approach or judgement unfortunately will likely lead them to their current coping mechanism... which is food.

Is there room for discussion around meals (a ham sandwhich is okay for tea if its what he wants. Has he never eaten vegetables or are there ebgetables he used to enjoy for example? Can you come up with a list of acceptable meals together? I have a kid with restrictive eating and actually it surprised me that we could come up with some meals we both thought were okay ) you can say you want to help (and it's great you'll cook for him!!)

Gentle exercise - is there something that you could do together. Ballroom dancing? Walking to watch the sunset? Go visit national trust places ?

If it comes across as "I need you to do xyz to lose weight" it may unfortunately backfire. Simply as people struggling with weight are literally that- struggling with weight and feel the weight of judgement more. It's not like they will go "Oh I didn't know I was fat let me slim down"

It also takes time to lose weight and isn't at all easy so habit changes are more effective than random diets.

Good luck.

Do you have dc? Do you worry about setting them a good example? That’s the route I would take. Get them all (including Dh) involved in meal planning and shopping.

Don’t tell him he’s fat, tell him that you are scared of losing him.

@Peaceupatown I do the main shop but he works from home and often goes to get fast food and extra snacks for himself.

There is plenty of fruit and vegetables but he never touches them. He'd rather drive to the supermarket for a packet of salami then eat any kind of fruit.

Can you do something that doesn't focus on fat per se but focused on healthy eating. For example Zoe or Glucose Goddess. People can lose weight on this partly just because it makes them focus on what they are eating and avoid UPF?

We're not talking about an 8 year old. He's 40. You can't control what he buys and brings into the house.

Weight loss medication? It will cut out the desire for all that stuff and with men when they lose weight it falls off so he would see a very quick result and boost his motivation?

@AmazingLemonDrizzle it's not that he doesn't like any vegetables. There are plenty that he'll eat when we go to his parents' house for dinner. But it's just that normally he eats like a seven year old at a birthday party - he thinks, what is my favourite most indulgent food, and he goes for that. Balance is not a concept to him.

In terms of exercise, if the children beg him he'll sometimes (but not usually) come for a short walk with him. I should try harder, but he's worn me down.

I think you can mention his weight as part of your concerns around his health. But make it clear your primary concern is his health.

Say you are worried about the damage he is doing to his body with unhealthy diet and how the rapid increase of weight will not be doing his heart and joints any favours. I’m sure you have no intention of saying “you’re fat and gross”

Above all make it very clear you are worried that you will lose him to an early grave or he will fall seriously ill as he moves into what should be the second half of his life . He is your husband, he should care about the impact on you if he died early or gets very sick and at least agree to take some action to improve his health .

Can you both go for a walk every day for 20 minutes and build it up to 1 hour gradually?

Is there one unhealthy food he consumes a lot of that he is willing to cut out?

I know you said he doesn’t like therapy but at least raise the subject within and perhaps get to the root of why he is overeating. Is it boredom, anxiety, depression?

and would he consider going for tests to check his blood pressure, blood sugar levels etc? sometimes having a health professional spell out your state of health is the wake up call some people need.

@Anameisaname I've been reading up a lot on UPF food and he seems to have recognised it, but his interest was a passing phase and now he's back to his normal diet. He knows that processed red meat is a carcinogen and yet he eats it every day.

If you haven't made wills yet then you should get them sorted ASAP. Maybe, just maybe, contemplating his death will make him think about his life.

Stick to the message that you want him around for a long time and you're worried about him. Maybe focus on healthy eating and light exercise without aiming for a specific number on the scale.

I'd recommend reading the book The Obesity Code by Dr Jason Fung. It really helped me understand my own body and what targeted changes to make. He's got loads of videos on YouTube as well.

Get him to look at Team RH. Sounds like he needs some home truths.

So stupid. He's not her five year old, he's a grown adult more than capable of leaving the house and buying crap with his own money.

Nobody puts on this much weight absent-mindedly, by having a bit more treats than they should. A weight gain like this speaks to quite significantly disordered eating, and it's not happening because there's a packet hobnobs in the house. Source: my own healthy cupboards, enormously disordered eating and 4 stone weight gain.

@Saltandpeppero he was the picture of health, statistically at least, the last time he had a medical five years ago. Perfect BP, perfect cholesterol. But his BP is rising - I only know this because we have a home monitor and I saw his results when I checked my BP. It is borderline high. He refuses to discuss his weight or BP with me, like, absolutely refuses.

We've lost a few friends to heart attack or stroke over the last few years and I thought it might make him reassess his own lifestyle but he seems to have doubled down on eating absolute crap.

Yes, I get this from MIL - nice for the blame to be put on me …

OP, following with interest. Mine has sleep apnoea as well. Will not do anything about it. Has ignored the over 55 health check opportunity. Has not gone cycling for the best part of 2 years and spends every evening on the PlayStation.

He won’t come to slimming world with me and never asks how I’ve done that week - my sons ask and encourage, he doesn’t.

What can you do when they won’t do anything about it?