To tell husband he is fat

[Howtosaythis]

Husband is very obese, having gained about 5 stone in the last decade (he's now 40). I am extremely worried about his health. He has a taste for very processed food, meat, beer, and fizzy drinks. He avoids fresh food and vegetables (if I serve them for dinner he will eat a mouthful then go make himself a ham sandwich) and flat-out refuses to exercise.

He has a family history of poor health. His mother has been pre-diabetic for many years and horrifyingly we're starting to see the impact of it and she is not well. We're all distraught. Going back several generations on his mother's side, a lot of family members have died of cancer, and I'm sure this puts my husband at higher risk.

He won't talk about it. He wants to change and sometimes I can see him trying to diet by replacing meals with cans of Coke (I wish I was joking). He loses a couple of kilos here and there but it's never sustained.

What can I do to help him? I'm silently beside myself thinking that he is taking himself to an early grave.

Gosh. Yes that makes it tough for him. Why not suggest a 5 year plan where he just loses a little bit each week with the view to losing 2 stone a year.
Break it down into doable lots.
Good luck to your dh.
Tell him that even strangers who will never meet him are offering virtual support.

You may be referring to yourself but honestly, this helps for us! When one of us have gotten into bad habits and ultimately ended up with weight gain / feeling sluggish ….. not having all the process and UPF in the house really helps. It’s sooooo easy to get into bad habits if the food is all within easy reach.

The weight gain coupled with his reluctance to talk about it and his generally inability to talk about his feelings tells me that there is something behind this OP. Food is a comfort he is excessively indulging in because something is missing from his life that either was there before and now isn't, or he had expected to be there by now and isn't.

How's your relationship? How did he take to having children and the changes that has on your lifestyle/budget? Has he maintained his friendships and hobbies that he had 10 years ago, or has he lost touch with them/stopped doing things he used to enjoy? How is work? How are finances?

I would guess he is pretty unhappy and/or stressed and/or lonely, and the eating is his emotionally illiterate way of treating those feelings. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you or the kids; just that there is something missing from his life which is affecting his mental health.

However I know what it's like being with a man who doesn't do talking, so won't tell you to ask him about it. But I would recommend you do a review of his life as if you were him, taking food out of it for a minute, and see if you can imagine what he mght be feeling the lack of.

A PT I could suggest but not a therapist as he's not a big one for discussing feelings.
The problem with that is it will a much deeper issue that just eating too much. CBT would probably help more than a PT of it was one or the other.

ive a similar issue with my dh. He has stacked on weight around his stomach and it is through pure greed. He will pop to the shop and eat a share bag of crisps every night. Ive raised it many times saying it is the worst place to carry excess weight as it creates so many risks. He also has a visible hernia he wont do anything about.

The best thing for this type of man is intermittent fasting. Men do really well on this as they don’t have to contend with hormones.
To start with he wouldn’t have to change what he eats just delay the eating and drink coffee or water until the first meal. He could then look at food choices in stages.
The book “Fast Feast Repeat” (Gin Stephen’s) is a good place to start.

Noone who is fat will be surprised or shocked to learn that fact, they know it better than anyone else. You don't need to tell him.

You could however approach it from the healthy eating angle and say you'd like to eat healthier as a family and lead that process.

It must be awful to live with someone destroying themselves like that. Health is so precious and not to be taken for granted. To be so careless with it and behave in a way that makes it worse feels totally reckless.

I don’t have any advice beyond repeating the others who say you must look at therapy, and offer you my sympathy.

Could he try keto? Meat and salami are fine, but he'd have to forego any carbs like sweets and pastry. He'd see quick results which may encourage him, too.

It's so hard for you, OP, because essentially it's him who has to come to the realisation by himself.

To lose weight and change your lifestyle, you have to want to. Really want to.

Those wants need to override the habits/urges/comfort in eating badly,

And it sounds like he doesn't really want to at the moment.

I think you can certainly have a frank discussion with him: "I'm worried about your health". And more than once.

And don't buy things in your weekly shop that are binge-worthy. If he wants the rubbish food, he can buy it himself.

Maybe an incremental process will eventually resonate and he'll come to the realisation himself?

I wouldn’t mention the word fat but you could talk to him and say you worry about his health and you’ll do anything to support him to improve it but at the end of the day the decision has to be his.

Has he had his 40 year old NHS heath check yet? They usually are quite frank about ones body health in those check ups. If one wants to ignore the advice given in those check ups then they are just daft in my opinion.

@Emily1583 he avoids the doctor and hasn't been for many years, not for the headaches or the dizziness or anything else that's happening which he hasn't mentioned.

I fell like I'm losing him.

Oh gosh OP this seems like a difficult situation.

May I ask if you eat healthily and exercise regularly? If so, keep it up and invite him along with you - hopefully eventually he will take it up himself.

You need to have a long and hard conversation with him. He's only 40 so he has time to make improvements. You need to tell him outright that at this rate, he's going to be dead years before you, and you/your DC will be facing years without him. He needs a wake up call at this point. He may very well be depressed or in a binge eating cycle - he may benefit from seeing a GP.

You can't really change him, only your attitude towards him. You could do more harm than good by trying to actively intervene. The van tuelken (sp.?) twins did a great podcast on this on BBC, see if you can track it down.

Do you have children together?

Your husband isn't acting very responsibly. Losing weight isn't easy for lots of people but it would be relatively easy for him as his diet and lifestyle is so poor. If he just ate the healthy meals you make, he'd see an improvement straight away.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I'd be having a serious conversation with him, that it's very uncomfortable living with someone on self destruct mode. That his diet isn't normal and it's painful and unattractive watching your husband take such poor care of himself.

He needs therapy. Replacing meals with coke is ludicrous, doesn't he see that? Sounds like he's in deep denial and perhaps needs a therapist on hand to help him see what he's doing and how it needs to change (or else he will suffer the consequences of poor health and relationship breakdown).

If you could even persuade him to drop the cans of fizzy drinks, he will definitely drop some weight and would be a good start. Would he switch to sparkling water with fresh lime or lemon juice -no cordials or bought flavoured water. Herbal teas would be good too as a substitute if he could find a few he likes.

Walking is great too if he could be persuaded to, start off with a 10 minute daily walk and increase it. He could do this during his lunch break.

Unfortunately, sugar is very addictive. But if you could not buy processed foods and stick to home made, it would help too.

Sorry I didn't see your message saying he won't access therapy. It's that ignorant attitude if his that is doing the damage. He's literally refusing to acknowledge he has feelings. Oh dear.

It's on him, OP. Not you. You can accept him and try to look past it or you can decide in time that you can't accept it and move forwards without him. Him changing is up to him alone unfortunately and he needs to take responsibility for that on a personal level, you can't do that for him.

He knows he's overweight but unless he gets motivated nothing will change. I know a couple of people who lost a lot of weight , both say they avoided weighing themselves and going to the Dr because it made denial of their problem easier. I don't want to be unkind Op but with his family history I'd get wills done and make sure he's insured. Maybe telling him why you need to do it might be the wake up call he needs

Unfortunately I don't think you 'telling him he's fat' will change anything. I was obese for 10+ years all my family tried to 'help' & 'intervene' but I was having none of it. Until one day it just clicked for me and I knew I wanted to change my lifestyle. Your DH has to really want to change.

I have been dealing with this - not to quite the same extent for 10 years. DH lost his dad in his 20’s and the weight piled on after that.

He is now 40 and only this year have I got him to start taking proper notice of what he eats, and he is amazed at how much he can actually eat and lose body fat when he is eating the right things.

I managed to get him to join a gym class twice a week a couple of years ago and whilst he isn’t making the progress there that he should, at least he is exercising now which will be a health benefit in the long term as long as he keeps enjoying it and showing up.

FIL (DH’s stepdad) had a heart attack completely out of the blue and died last week and it’s awful to say but I think it’s given him a bit of a kick up the arse. He has been out running this week which is new.

He already knows he’s fat, what would you pointing that out do aside from further humiliate him?

He really needs to attend that health check. Can't you ask a close relative to also pressure him to make that appointment? Sounds like to me knows he has a problem but doesn't want to hear it.

Well he isn't just fat, he is obese, has a family history of poor health and is currently well on his way to early onset diabetes, heart disease and a generally crap quality of life which will presumably involve the OP becoming a long term carer. I think the time for fluffy loving gentle language and avoiding the 'f' word has probably passed. Yes he knows he is fat but he is clearly in denial as to how acutely bad his health is. It is incredibly selfish for him to expect the OP to just accept a situation very far removed from what she thought the was signing up to when they got married.

You cannot change another adult human. Believe me I have tried for years! DH, about 15 years ago had to go on a course, said he looked at himself in the hotel mirror and was horrified. We have always done a lot of walking (dogs border collie) cycling, gardening. He started cycling to work 26 miles a day for 6 months,(did the London to Brighton) I did most of that, plus swimming and gym, and veggie. He still ate his diet,high in meat. My last 16 years at work, a Hyper acute stroke unit. He hates veg,most fruit,has a small orange daily. We shop together. He has health issues,is meant to eat very little meat. He swapped to diet coke. I don't drink coke or pepsi,to me it tastes like chemicals. I occasionally have a diet tonic water if I fancy a fizzy drink. His BP meds are increasing,he's been hospitalised on occasion.

There is not much you can do, is there? For people to have to lose weight they need to be intrinsically motivated, and he is not.

He knows how his weight is going to affect him. He knows this.

The only thing I can suggest is that, if you have not told him already, tell him how his weight affects YOU. How if affects you now, how it will affect you in the future. Really lay it down.

If that doesn't motivate him to change, then you need to consider your own future. Do you want to become his carer and early widow, especially knowing that he has chose this for you through his actions? If not, would you rather leave and start building up your own life again now, whilst you are still a bit younger?