To tell husband he is fat

[Howtosaythis]

Husband is very obese, having gained about 5 stone in the last decade (he's now 40). I am extremely worried about his health. He has a taste for very processed food, meat, beer, and fizzy drinks. He avoids fresh food and vegetables (if I serve them for dinner he will eat a mouthful then go make himself a ham sandwich) and flat-out refuses to exercise.

He has a family history of poor health. His mother has been pre-diabetic for many years and horrifyingly we're starting to see the impact of it and she is not well. We're all distraught. Going back several generations on his mother's side, a lot of family members have died of cancer, and I'm sure this puts my husband at higher risk.

He won't talk about it. He wants to change and sometimes I can see him trying to diet by replacing meals with cans of Coke (I wish I was joking). He loses a couple of kilos here and there but it's never sustained.

What can I do to help him? I'm silently beside myself thinking that he is taking himself to an early grave.

He knows that he is fat.

I’d maybe try a nutritionist op (maybe a bloke?) that your dh could go and see. My dh is much more responsive to someone else giving him advice than me saying the same thing! And he could obviously use some better information if he is using coke as a diet replacement!

Or a therapist. Food addiction is like any other in that it stops the sufferer from facing pain elsewhere in their life.

I just wanted to say that I really sympathise with what you said about always being the one to hold on to the reins and make the boring choices. And be constantly worried about your oh’s health. It really sucks x

It's the diet not the exercise that's the main concern now - would he see a dietitian?

He should have received a text message from Gp surgery inviting him for being eligible for a NHS health check up. I've just had one, It tests for lots of things, full blood count, cholesterol, diabetes etc. Get him to do the check up, that will flag anything up.

If he was drinking heavily, or smoking 40 a day, or gambling addictively, your choices would be much clearer, wouldn't they? You would be considering giving up on your marriage. Yet, in the same way as being in a relationship with an alcoholic or a gambler, this is having a massive impact on you and your DC. You say he might leave you because you get so angry, but you would never leave him - why not? What kind of a future do you have together? Will it just be the same but worse in ten years time? Can you bear that? Do you even have sex? It doesn't sound like he is able to change his behaviour, so maybe you should consider your own position and the future for your children. Sorry, but marriage to a self-destructive addict just seems like a disaster.

I think it's okay to be a bit blunt. If my DH puts on weight I tell him, I think he can be a bit head in the sand about it otherwise.

I think telling someone they are fat or anything similar is never going to go down well. Maybe you could approach it from the angle of helping hkm with something he wants to do anyway. Maybe you could put it this way: 'I have seen you are replacing some of your meals with coke. If you want to eat healthier or go on a diet is there something I can do?' And then talk about healthier meals, not keeping crap at home, exercising together.

Sorry you’re going through this OP. My OH had a similar attitude once he started WFH, including secretly ordering KFC as a mid-afternoon snack. I’m not mean or secretive so I was quite shocked when I found out and sad for him as to me it seemed a sign that he wasn’t happy in himself.

We had a really frank discussion and it was clear he was really ashamed of his attitude towards food and felt stuck. His whole family are obsessed with food and he grew up in a really unhealthy environment, both food wise and psychologically. Even now we try to visit PIL outside of mealtimes as the whole deciding what to have, who will make it, will we eat every scrap on the plate, will MIL be disappointed and have a tantrum (really!) is so stressful.

One practical thing that worked was deciding on a set of meals that he found enjoyable and healthy enough (not even super healthy just better than a takeaway at first) and setting a day for each meal. Knowing what he was having that day took the emotion out of it and mainly kept him from ordering something mid-afternoon as he would know what we’d planned to have.

This started him on a much better path towards taking more responsibility for what he eats and it’s been the catalyst for him deciding to join the gym and get out for walks.

However it was heartbreaking watching him in the bad years and no amount of conversations about health, weight, clothes not fitting, how he felt he looked in photos, got him to actively make a sustained change.

None of us want to see the person we love going irreversibly downhill and it’s awful to feel like a bystander. I really hope something gets through to your DH. 💐

Ultimately I think people have to come to these conclusions themselves, be it over eating, over drinking, inactive lifestyle etc

He sounds sad and demotivated - not wanting to talk about things, having to be begged to go on a walk etc, not joining you for meals...

Could you work on adding positivity and excitement and pleasure to both your lives so he has more motivation to eat well? Date nights with good food, nice sex, a walking holiday, time on hobbies, time outdoors together. You might find that weight loss and reduced blood pressure is a side effect of these anyway.

This is heartbreaking. Five stone! The example he's setting for your kids, the risks he's putting on himself which might mean they lose a parent young. Nobody has to be the absolute picture of health but he's killing himself slowly and you all have to sit back and watch. Just awful.

So I'm this scenario I am like your husband, and I understand his position but also yours.

I know I'm fat, and unhealthy but I'm not really in a frame of mind to change it even though I know I must.

If DH talked to me about it or tried to encourage changes tbh I wouldn't react well to it. I'm an adult and I know what to do but I don't feel able or ready to do it yet for various reasons. I don't want to be nagged or guilt tripped or shamed or embarrassed or pitied or criticised or patronised.

I've lost weight in the past because I decided I wanted to. Nobody else's opinions or encouragement or criticism make the tiniest bit of difference to me except making me want to avoid them.

There is only one thing I can think of that slightly helps me and might be worth considering if you can broach it somehow with him, which is the Change One Thing approach. I have many many bad eating habits which feel overwhelming and impossible to overhaul as a whole. But over the years I have tried to improve by changing small little things eg I ALWAYS had dessert after lunch and dinner and I changed that to just after dinner and eventually stopped that as well. Baby steps, but something is better than nothing.

Why tell him he's fat? It seems like he knows. Maybe he just needs some kind of support to start a healthy diet and exercise regime.

Sorry he has to do it himself, nothing you say will probably make a difference 😢 you can highlight his genetics 🧬 and see how he feels about it. But he's ultimately got to want to do it for him x

Is he depressed OP? This amount of weight gain indicates significant disordered eating. This must be so stressful and worrying for you :(
I would keep reiterating that you’re worried about his health and that he won’t see 50 if he keeps going - then say it again and again. Surely the thought of his DC losing their dad would get through to him? I realise ED is very complex but he needs to start somewhere moving a bit more and cutting this crap out of his diet. Sending love.

Don't tell him he's fat. He knows he is. It won't spark him to want to change, it will make him feel more shit about himself and hence less likely to want to prioritise himself and his health.

Your best bet is to tell him how worried you are about his health and him being unlikely to be around too long for the kids. These bigger picture conversations are more likely to kick him up the bum in a way that is motivating, rather than demoralising.

I do think you'd be in your rights to force a conversation about it, OP.

If he's a reader, see if you can get him to read Outlive by Dr Peter Attia. It may open his eyes.

So you think shaming him into trying to help himself is a good way to approach things? Sounds very motivational. I am 100% sure of the outrage that would ensue on here if someone’s husband called them fat.

People have to want to change these things for themselves for a positive reason, not because they’re fat.

Or if he's not a reader, maybe a podcast. I've listened to a few of the Zoë ones including one with this guy.

zoe.com/learn/podcast-longer-and-healthier-life

So what is your DH supposed to do, crack on as if there is no problem? I get you don't want to be nagged or guilt tripped or shamed or embarrassed or pitied or criticised or patronised. Nobody likes that. But you have put him in a really impossible position of watching the health of someone he loves deteriorate while almost being forbidden from helping you.

And no I'd never leave him, but honestly I am preparing for a lonely old age. If he doesn't die then he'll probably leave me as I get so angry about the situation (coupled with my general angsty personality)that I can be quite difficult to be with. I know it sounds very dramatic and I'd never say it to anyone IRL but that's how I feel.

This really jumped out me . You say you are difficult to deal with and that may or may not be true, but what about your husband? Do you not recognise that right now his unhealthy behaviours which he was spreading to the kids are difficult to deal with and that both he and the kids are very lucky to have you? Imagine how your kids would be living if you adopted his diet too?

He probably knows how you think and is taking your commitment for granted safe in the knowledge that you’ll continue to not only tolerate this but bite your lip for fear of pushing him away.

It seems as if you under-value yourself somewhat. Difficult personality or not it, sounds like you’re the one holding the family together and protecting your children’s health.

You need to demand far more of him. It’s Ok to want to stay, but you shouldn’t avoid having difficult conversations for fear of him leaving.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that it was my DH saying I was overweight that made me change. up to that point I was a bit head in the sand about it as it had crept on slowly.

And no I'd never leave him, but honestly I am preparing for a lonely old age. If he doesn't die then he'll probably leave me as I get so angry about the situation (coupled with my general angsty personality)that I can be quite difficult to be with. I know it sounds very dramatic and I'd never say it to anyone IRL but that's how I feel.

I don’t think you can do anything about your dh unless/until he is motivated to make changes himself. I don’t mean give up on him, you obviously love him, but he’s really not going to lose weight because someone else wants him to.
Knowing that he is an adult and responsible for himself I think you need to focus more on you, making sure you’re happy, and focusing on the good things about him. You don’t sound terribly happy in your posts, and that’s something that you can do something about.

@TheCadoganArms

It's a really impossible situation, I understand that. We don't discuss it, I don't know if he even wants to but he obviously knows me well enough to know that there is little point in him bringing it up with me.

I'm fat because I overeat for a whole host of reasons and him being upset / worried / angry etc anything at all frankly, makes no difference to how I feel or behave.

Clearly that is not something that can be understood by most people who haven't been in the grip of this sort of behaviour.

I'm not defending or justifying my POV, I don't need to. It's how I am at the moment and perhaps how other people with bad health habits feel.

The Op is asking what she can do to help her DH and I'm telling her honestly that I doubt she can do anything.

I know everyone is saying oh he knows he's fat, you'll just be upsetting him by pointing it out, but I honestly think plenty of people go into absolute denial about the amount of weight they've gained and think oh it's just a stone or two when it's in fact five or six, and they probably do need a bit of a wake-up call, especially if the gain is just due to them liking crap food or being overly fussy towards healthy food, rather than them having deep-seating emotional issues with food.

In the words of my overweight friend: 'Fat people know they are fat, they don't need telling. I've got a mirror.'

Realistically there is little anyone can do to help a person that is unwillingly to help themselves. He has to want to lose weight for himself. No amount of shaming or scaremongering will work, it could actually have the opposite effect.